Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You Magnificent Bastards:The Greatest Illegitimate Children Ever

The big, shocking news of the week is Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are splitting up , reportedly over his shenanigans with the help. Even more shocking than the fact that Arnie was a man-whore (his appetite for tang is well documented) is the fact that he fathered a child with said maid. Any time someone knocks up their mistress it's shocking, but when it's the action star former California governor it's doubly shocking, and the fact that juice-head even had working sperm is triply shocking.

But the mini-terminator shouldn't be too worried about his future as the most famous bastard child in recent memory. Plenty of children born out of wedlock have gone onto great things through out history. Here's a small handful in no particular order:

Macauley Culkin

I guess his life didn't turn out all that great (he eventually divorced his parents) but he did gain fame at a very early age and recently dated Mila Kunis. It's ironic that his most famous role was as a kid abandoned by his parents. Anyway,

Oprah Winfrey

The big O's horrible, abuse filled childhood is well known at this point. She was born to a crack addict mother who beat her with broomsticks and so on. She's now the second most influential person in the world next to Lady Gaga according to someone who is much, much less rich than Oprah.

Shaquille O'Neal

Probably not too much of a shocker here, but the Diesel didn't know his biological pops growing up. That army dude who showed up to all the early Finals games was actually his step father. I imagine he took a lot of his anger towards his drug addict father out on Todd Maccullough.

Leonardo DaVinci

You may know him, as most historians do, as the inspiration for a ninja turtle, but Leo's life didn't start out so rosey. Born illegitimately to a notary, DaVinci went on to be the most famous of Renaissance painters. I'm sure stuff like this went down all the time in 16th century Italy (those old guidos were some freaks), but Davinci is an inspiration nonetheless.

Bo Jackson:

Doesn't belong alongside Davinci or some of the other greats you say? Bo was a freakish athlete who was able to excel at two professional sports and spawned some of the greatest sneakers any perp could hope to own. Bo didn't know his father, but Bo knows everything else.

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