Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Perps vs The Upright Citizens
And here's the line-up:
Point Guard: Damon Stoudamire has the marijuana convictions, and Iverson is a fellow perp-with-neck-tattoo, but Delonte West emerged on top. His 2010 conviction, when he was caught, (Desperado-style) with two handguns, a shotgun, and a large knife inside a guitar case, clearly won him the starting role. To boot, he also had sex with a teammate's (Lebron's) mother.
Shooting Guard: Arenas, having brought guns into the locker room and pointed them at a teammate, was an early consideration. Yet, King Perp, Isaiah "Easy" Rider, easily took the starting role, with 12 convictions between 2006 and 2008. From kidnapping, to cocaine possession, to grand theft, hes done it all. Quickly awarded team captain.
Small Forward: Artest was the popular pick for this position, but his former teammate and keeping-it-real expert Stephen Jackson ultimately won the starting job. Both thoroughly enjoy jumping into the stands to beat up fans, and while Artest does have a criminal record (including multiple domestic violence charges), Jackon earned the nod on the strength of his legendary 2006 conviction. After making it rain in an Indianapolis strip club, Jackson and his friend "Dino" got into a gun fight in the parking lot, which resulted in Jackson assaulting a man with a deformed arm and ultimately returning to practice the next day with some stitches in his lip.
Power Forward: Besides his sexual assault case and multiple DUI's, Zack Randolph made the team based on one distinction: he's knee-deep in the cane.. yeahhhhhh... Allegedly acting as a drug kingpin WHILE PLAYING IN THE NBA, Randolph's unique ability to perp multi-task makes him invaluable. Also was seen in a strip club while on bereavement leave from the team.
Center: While the Birdman was suspended from the league for a long span, any random bum can smoke some crack and get in trouble. A murder rap, on the other hand, gets you respect. Jayson Williams reportedly used the excuse that the gun went off on its own and shot a guest in his home. Sure. Williams also has the requisite DUI convictions along with an assault rap for punching a hick in the face in a North Carolina bar.
Coach Isiah Thomas, responsible for an 11.6 million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit (one of the largest in US history), knows a thing or two about being a perp. Will he have his team ready to play? We'll see.
The Upright Citizen's line-up comes tomorrow....