Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Perps vs The Upright Citizens

And here's the line-up:


Point Guard: Damon Stoudamire has the marijuana convictions, and Iverson is a fellow perp-with-neck-tattoo, but Delonte West emerged on top. His 2010 conviction, when he was caught, (Desperado-style) with two handguns, a shotgun, and a large knife inside a guitar case, clearly won him the starting role. To boot, he also had sex with a teammate's (Lebron's) mother.

Shooting Guard: Arenas, having brought guns into the locker room and pointed them at a teammate, was an early consideration. Yet, King Perp, Isaiah "Easy" Rider, easily took the starting role, with 12 convictions between 2006 and 2008. From kidnapping, to cocaine possession, to grand theft, hes done it all. Quickly awarded team captain.

Small Forward: Artest was the popular pick for this position, but his former teammate and keeping-it-real expert Stephen Jackson ultimately won the starting job. Both thoroughly enjoy jumping into the stands to beat up fans, and while Artest does have a criminal record (including multiple domestic violence charges), Jackon earned the nod on the strength of his legendary 2006 conviction. After making it rain in an Indianapolis strip club, Jackson and his friend "Dino" got into a gun fight in the parking lot, which resulted in Jackson assaulting a man with a deformed arm and ultimately returning to practice the next day with some stitches in his lip.

Power Forward: Besides his sexual assault case and multiple DUI's, Zack Randolph made the team based on one distinction: he's knee-deep in the cane.. yeahhhhhh... Allegedly acting as a drug kingpin WHILE PLAYING IN THE NBA, Randolph's unique ability to perp multi-task makes him invaluable. Also was seen in a strip club while on bereavement leave from the team.

Center: While the Birdman was suspended from the league for a long span, any random bum can smoke some crack and get in trouble. A murder rap, on the other hand, gets you respect. Jayson Williams reportedly used the excuse that the gun went off on its own and shot a guest in his home. Sure. Williams also has the requisite DUI convictions along with an assault rap for punching a hick in the face in a North Carolina bar.

Coach Isiah Thomas, responsible for an 11.6 million dollar sexual harassment lawsuit (one of the largest in US history), knows a thing or two about being a perp. Will he have his team ready to play? We'll see.

The Upright Citizen's line-up comes tomorrow....


  1. They have to come out on the court to "Soul Survivor" featuring PTU's keeping it real rapper of choice, right?


  2. Latrell SprewellMay 4, 2011 at 5:02 PM

    I complained about making 14.6 mil, and said I was "insulted" by a 3 year 21 mil offer at 34 and let the world know "I got a family to feed" all while wearing a crazy haircut.

    Prior to my 68 game NBA suspension for choking out Carlissimo I:

    -Had a fight with with Byron Houston who was 6'5" 250lbs at the time (about 50 lbs heavier than me...but I aint never scared)
    -After a fight with Jerome Kersey, I came back came back with a 2x4, threatned to kill him, and then threatned to come back with a gun

    Can I at least get some coaching consideration for this team?

  3. Damn, Sprewell was a strong candidate. Maybe he's the 6th man.

  4. Wasn't it Sprewell who broke his fist while punching someone on a booze cruise?

  5. What about me?

  6. From Vernon Maxwell's Wikipedia page:

    1995: In a game at Portland on February 6, he ran into the stands to punch a fan, later claiming the fan had heckled him over his wife's miscarriage (which was denied). The NBA suspended him for 10 games and fined him $20,000.[5]
    1995: Feigning a hamstring injury, he was given a leave of absence after the 1st game of the playoffs. Maxwell later admitted he was frustrated with not playing; the incident was hyped as Maxwell being disgruntled at the team's recent acquisition of Hall-of-Fame guard Clyde Drexler. His actions led to the Rockets ending his tenure with them.[6]
    1997: Maxwell was ordered to pay a woman $592,000 for knowingly infecting her with herpes.[7]
    2009: Maxwell was arrested in Florida for violation of probation charges related to failing to pay child support.[8]

  7. Assistant head coaches, Vernon Maxwell and Latrell Sprewell