Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Jump Off The Tebow Bandwagon While You Still Can

Everyone here at PTU knows that Bottle has been a long time Tebow lover, along with our fellow blogger CAPTAIN POWER. If you've watched any of his recent games where he was able to eek out a win, you got to witness the announcers falling prey to Tebow fever. I fear this is also happening to some of our other PTU'ers, as even Mad has been impressed by Tebow lately. 

I'm here to tell you that you must resist the urge to jump on the Tebow bandwagon. Sure his team has rallied around him for some wins, but there are some key reasons this is short lived. 
  • It's actually the #1 ranked running game that has helped the Broncos win.
  • Yes Tebow is smart and reads the opposing defense well, but you can't say they win because of Tebow when their passing game is ranked #31. 
  • For the most part, Tebow's wins have come against poor teams. In particular many of these teams have a weak run defense, which matches up well for the Broncos. 

When the Broncos have to play a team with a strong run defense who have any type of offense, it's not going to go as well for them. I tried to make a bet with Bottle that Tebow won't win a playoff game in the next 5 years but he turned me down. Tebow may be fun to watch and he will win some games, but make sure you don't get caught on the Tebow wagon. 

It's About Time, Assholes

The NBA owners and players have finally reached a tentative agreement and that means there will be professional basketball this season. After weeks of hearing about the "nuclear winter" and the hopelessness that had swallowed the never ending talks between the asshole owners and even bigger asshole players, everything was solved. Yes, after close to 5 months of 18 hour days spent behind closed doors discussing God knows what, everything was wrapped up neatly early this past Saturday morning. Did the two sides finally meet in the middle? Were Derek Fisher's debating skills too much for David Stern's crew to bear? Did they finally get sick of ordering Chinese food every night? Most likely, it was none of those thing that resulted in the lockout coming to a glorious close: they finally came to their senses and realized they're all losing money. The players have missed one paycheck and were soon to miss another, and without the coveted Christmas games being played the NBA would lose their marquee day to shine. As I've said here before, Stern talks tough about pulling the plug on the entire season, and taking his ball and going home if his boys didn't play fair. But as we suspected it was all bull shit. Essentially, the two sides were playing a game of chicken as some of America waited impatiently. With the recent law suit the players brought against the owners, everyone came to their senses and said "ya know what? Let's go back to making ridiculous amounts of money again? Who are we kidding?".

What's really striking about this whole fiasco is the response of the players. Their tweets show that this wasn't the players raging against the machine. Half of them didn't even know what they were arguing about. Take this gem from labor expert LeBron James:

"Man I just got up not to long ago and see we have a deal! I feel like my kids on X-mas day! So juiced!! Excited for the fans that stayed patient with us! #NBAlove,"

Besides his ignorance of the difference between to and too, this doesn't seem like the response of someone who has been battling over complex economic issues for months. How about noted scholar Oklahoma City Thunder swingman James Harden? What was his take on the two sides finally coming to an agreement? He seems like an intelligent dude:

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. I feel like I just got drafted again."

Ok, so none of these guys could give two shits about BRI or revenue sharing, they just know they missed a paycheck and they want to play ball again. I guess that's something we could all relate to. No matter what the reasoning was for the two sides coming together, I'm just happy that I can stop pretending I care about NCAA basketball or hockey and get back to some NBA basketball this Christmas. Greedy assholes.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Giants vs Saints Preview

Tonight is a statement game for the Giants, they need this win to keep pace with the Dallas Cowboys, and gain confidence as they prepare for their match up with the Green Bay Packers. I look for the Giants to get into Drew Brees comfort zone and sack him at least 4 times. The Giant should win a close one in a dog fight 27 to 20.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods

Thanksgiving is a time of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, you have to deal with annoying relatives who you'd sooner spend a lifetime blocking from seeing your Facebook statuses than spend a dinner with, but there you are forced to make inane small talk about how you feel about your job for a good hour or so. Then, on the other hand, you have glorious food. Ah yes, thanksgiving food is about as good as it gets. I'm not sure if I love the stuff so much because it's only served once or twice a year or if it's just that gosh darn awesome. Either way, I feel like I could eat most of what's served on Thanksgiving every day for the rest of my life and would be content, even though that would mean I would never get my tryptophaned ass off the couch. What are the top 5?

5) Mashed Potatoes

The potato is one of those foods that's good in almost any form that it's prepared. Au gratin, baked, french fries, it's all fantastic. Mashed potatoes though, are a close second to baked potatoes as the very best type of potato (baked potatoes ability to be a vehicle for awesomeness like sour cream and bacon bits puts it over the top). Just make sure they're not too runny or chunky or you've fucked your whole holiday up.

4) Turkey with gravy

Turkey on its own is kind of a drag. It's dry and puts you to sleep while the Lions are still down by just one touchdown. But paired with gravy, it's delicious. Turkeys get so much attention around this time of year, but they're really nothing more than a vehicle for gravy. Stupid turkeys.

3) Pumpkin Pie

Apple pie might get all the love (the saying about being as American as, Jason Biggs banging it) but nothing beats a slice of pumpkin pie with some cool whip. It almost makes "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 100th time tolerable.

2) Cranberry Sauce

Some people don't like cranberry sauce. I don't understand those people since cranberry sauce is awesome. Whether sliced or in the sauce version with the little cranberries in it, it's one of the few times I don't mind sweet fruit (is cranberry a fruit?) mixed in with my meat.

1) Stuffing

Yup, stuffing. The shit that comes right out of the bird or the Stove Top kind. It doesn't matter what type of stuffing it is, that shit is crack. In the 90s there were these commercials that aired constantly that had a couple different premises: Some asshole would find a way to eat at his friends house because they were having Stove Top stuffing for dinner, and I guess their own mother was too stupid or had an alcohol problem and couldn't be bothered to provide her children with the stuffing they deserved. That mom was a real bitch. Another commercial involved two kids (one who was Hyde on That 70's Show) plotting to get their Stove Top fix. High five to stuffing! Stove Top also apparently came in a Pringles like can so you could feed your brood the stuffing they all love right out of the can. Just don't put any fruit or nuts in your stuffing, that's just gross.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Why do People Want to Vote for Someone as Dumb as They Are?

I'm not a very political person. I don't like to discuss politics as a rule, since I've come to realize that every person has their own ideals which they are not going to budge on, and there are no absolutes when it comes to personal politics. A person on the right of a topic will have just as many supporting statistics and arguments as the guy on the left. Something I do kind of enjoy, though, is people talking about politics, and the way that political campaigns are projected on the masses. As skeptical as I am of any one person changing the direction of society, I'm just as fascinated by the diehard liberal or right wing conservative. One aspect of political blindess that I find particularly stupid is the embracing of candidates who represent the "common man", ya know that regular joe who sounds just like you and me. He's not held down by fancy educations and elitist ideas, he's a real salt of the earth type fella. Like inexplicable republican hero Herman Cain.

Even someone like me who avoids CNN and MSNBC and Fox News like the plague can tell you the details of the ups and downs of Cain's campaign for President thus far. He used to be the head of a pizza company no one on the East coast has heard of, then skyrocketed to stardom seemingly overnight through folksy, crowd pleasing debate answers, has a catchy nonsensical "9 9 9" financial plan and has recently had more sexual harrasment charges than the Park Slope groper. He's apparently been around for a while, but I'd bet my Christmas bonus against anyone of you being able to pick him out of a lineup 4 months ago, let alone pegging him as the next leader of the free world. He's gone from token Black Republican to leader of the polls. How is ol' Horny Herman somehow leading the pack ahead of proven household name white guys in the GOP field? Well, he reminds a lot of voters of themselves. Not that most Republicans are middle aged black guys with wispy moustaches, but he's cast himself as the "anti-Beltway" candidate. A regular guy who just wants to get the Country back on track. Take his recent answer to an inquiry on Uzbekistan: Cain said he doesn't need to know about "uzi uzi becky becky stan stan". To him, that's some other country with a funny name that has no affect on the average American. When Letterman brought this up to Cain on Friday's appearance on the Late Show, he said something like "David, there's over 200 countries in the world. I can't know all of them". And then he went back into his "the American people want jobs, blah blah" bullshit and his 9 9 9 thing again. Why doesn't this cause people alarm? I'll be honest, I know nothing about Uzbekistan or most other "stans" but the difference is I'm not running for office. I wouldn't want someone like me running the country. I couldn't even run a fantasy football leauge. Why do so many people want someone just like them running the country? Wouldn't you want the absolute smartest person in charge of your country? Shouldn't he have at least a basic grasp of foreign affairs? Unfortunatelty, if you asked a great many voters, the answers to those questions would be "who gives a hoot? get off my lawn commie" or something like that, but believe me they don't care. Americans love someone they can identify with. One of the biggest criticisms of Obama is he's an out of touch liberal elitist who doesn't have the heart of the country , that is the hard working people of middle America, in his best interests. I don't want my President to look or sound anything like me. We're not all president material. The President should be an example of the best we have to offer in this country, when other countries think of America they should think of intelligence, strength and bravery not some shmuck who can't pronounce Uzbekistan and is proud of it. Woody Allen said he wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have him as a member, and I don't want to be part of a country that would have a President as dumb as I am.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Derek Fisher is an Asshole and Other Insights on the Lockout

Fuck Derek Fisher. Fuck him good. I'm not going to get into a philosophical argument on the merits of the NBA economic system, and how ridiculously unfair it may or may not be. All I know is the NBA season is just about cancelled. Nobody really cares, outside of myself and a handful of other people in this country, but it's looking like there will be no NBA season this year all because one group of millionaires can't agree on exactly how they want to split up millions of dollars with another group of millionaires. And that sucks.

The Knicks were actually a half way decent team last year. Not great, but a million times better than the D-league team level embarrassment that was trotted out for the beginning of this century. There was a little bit of hope that maybe we'd have a fun team to watch for the next couple of years, or at least until Amare Stoudemire's knees exploded and Carmelo Anthony got tired of losing to the Heat. But now we won't get to see the Knicks or any NBA team run around in shorts this year. Your NBA season is gone, America. All because these dickheads are so detached from reality that they've deluded themselves into thinking that their lives are anything but the ideal life for anybody. If you could go back in time and find any of these assholes as they shot jumpshots outside their housing project buildings or dusty middle of fucking no where basketball hoops that they would one day be running around playing that game they love for millions of dollars, I don't think one of them would say "I just hope we're given our fair share of the BRI. It's only right". They would do the normal thing for a person who grew up in abject poverty. Jump at the chance to play a game AS A CAREER. I think most people would play in the NBA FOR FREE. The tradeoff for being that one in a million lucky son of a bitch that gets to play professional sports is you keep your mouth shut and do as you're told. This isn't about what's right and wrong and fair or unfair. You're an NBA player. Be grateful, fucko. So Fuck Derek Fisher, Fuck Billy Hunter, Fuck the army of money hungry agents who would trade their grandmother for a bigger percentage of jersey profits. Fuck David Stern and the rest of his army of snake owners. Fuck those idiot players who stand behind Derek Fisher after every 28 hour negotiating session, the cavalcade of scrubs like Mo Evans, Etan Thomas and Rasual Butler. Fuck the Red Rocket, Matt Bonner and his red hair and awkward jump shot. Fuck all of you, assholes. May the NBA ban all of you for life and force you to do something else with your life, you ungrateful wastes of athletic ability and God given talent. Eat a dick.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Hater J's Week 10 Picks

Giants (+3.5) The 49ers have a great pass rush that typically forces QBs to make bad mistakes or matador sacks leading to more yards to keep drives alive . The thing is, Eli typically gets the ball out quickly and had a ton of practice against New England. If the Giants go up, do you think Alex Smith is going to beat them? You couple that with the "Eli rule" and this is an easier pick.

Eli Rule: Eli plays well when he gets more than 3 and awful when he gives more than three.

Pats (+1.5) Tom Brady played awful. The Pats defense was horrendous in the second half. All that and the Giants still needed a 2 minute drill to beat them. Tom isn't making those mistakes again, and I don't see Sanchez matching him.

Steelers (-3) The Bengals are the home team but the Steelers travel really well and there should be some Terrible Towel sightings. The Steelers are also sore after a tough loss and look to beat up on the Ginger Kid, Andy Dalton.

Chiefs (-3) If Tebow wins in the Black Hole and in Arrowhead on consecutive weeks, I'll be at church next Sunday. The Chiefs aren't going to stand for back to back beatdowns at home.

Jags (-3) You come off a bye week and you get to play the Colts. The Jags should send the schedule makers a nice Christmas gift.

Bills (+6) So we're down on the Bills after losing to a good defensive team that needed a win and up on the Cowboys after beating a bad team that they let hang around? Take the points.

Bucs (+3) The Texans have taken advantage of bad teams in a big way. Going on the road against a team that gets up for home games is a bit different than playing the likes of the Browns. Take the points.

Panthers (-2.5) The most exciting player on the field isn't Chris Johnson and isn't a Titan. The Titans just look more flat every week since losing Britt and Chris Johnson (the latter suits up, but he'd be better off faking an injury and letting Runger take the carries). Cam rarely wins, but you have to think Tennessee will roll over and let Cam do what he does.

Dolphins (-4.5) - Matt Moore versus John Beck. The Dolphins throw screen passes well and play decent defense. The Redskins do just about nothing well.

Falcons (PK) The Saints are just bad on the road and the Falcons are a solid home team.

Lions (+3) Okay Lions, you want to be taken seriously? Start by winning on the road in November. The Bears are coming off of a big win, on the road, and had a short week to prepare for a Lions team fresh off of a bye. Fat Boy Suh should be able to hit Cutler a few times and I find it hard to see how the Bears will keep up with the Lions' speed on tired legs.

Rams (+3) The rams can run and the passing offense looks better since the addition of Brandon Lloyd. What do the Browns do well?

Cards (+13) The Eagles win this game, but I refuse to lay 13+ points with a team that can't close games well. This feels like a back door cover.

Seahawks (+7) I'm chalking up Flacco's performance to getting up for the Steelers. I think he goes back to bad Flacco this week and we see the Hawks' defense keeping them in the game.

Vikings (+13.5) The Packers are the best team in football. Aaron Rodgers is playing incredible football and as a result, the defense plays super aggressive football and as a result, gives up a lot of big plays. A few big plays from "All Day" and a deep play or two from Ponder should keep this game within two TD's.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Top 5 Wiggers

A couple posts ago I compared Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky to poseurs like Vanilla Ice and Rick Ross. A$AP might be a trendsetter at imitating sizzurp drinking Southerners but the white guy acting black is a time honored tradition, and is undoubtedly the most common (and ridiculed) version of this phenomenon. Throughout history there's been kids (and adults) acting like they're straight outta the hood and who can blame them? People from the hood are tough and scary and really cool. Who are the top 5 wiggers in history?

5. Jesse Pinkman on Breaking Bad

Jesse's "Blaccent" is pretty bad. He mostly just says "bitch" and "yo" a lot but pretty much just sounds like a white dude. This is probably because the actor who portrays Jesse, Aaron Paul is really, really white in real life. Still, his ridiculous clothes (especially in the first couple seasons) that look like he's a 12 year old who lives on Staten Island make up for whatever he lacks in wigger language believability.

4. Channing Tatum

This guy has certainly cornered the market on angry, conflicted movie wiggers with a soft side. Check out his resume:

  • Coach Carter as the small forward with the temper problem.

  • A Guide to Remembering your Saints as Shia Labeouf's wild friend from the neighborhood with a temper and a way with baseball bats

  • The Fighter as a loner street fighter with a temper that befriends creepy Terrence Howard

and on and on it goes. Nobody captures the rage of an oppressed African American man stuck in the body of an Abercrombie model turned shitty actor like Channing.

3. Eminem

This is an obvious choice. He's probably the most recognizable wigger in the world, but Marshall actually has a lof of white tendencies (keeping him this high on the list). Even though all of his friends are black and he grabs his nuts a lot, he also likes to dress in drag and do borderline gay shit (or REALLY REALLY gay shit), used to live in a trailer park and does prank phone calls and the like. So his whiteness is balanced out by his rap career and wardrobe consisting of sweatpants and Air Maxes that looks straight out of TJ Maxx.

2. Jason Williams aka White Chocolate

One of the many Jason (or Jayson) Williamses to play in the NBA but the only fully white one and (ironically) the very blackest of any of them. As I've mentioned before, funny murderer Jayson Williams was a mullato who was like a Puerto Rican guy, and Duke superstar turned motorcycle accident victim and now ESPN commentator Jason "Jay" Williams was (like every other black player from Duke) the opposite of a wigger. Jason was the flashiest Caucasian NBA player since Pete Maravich and Bob Cousy, in fact, he might have been the white player with the most flava (or swag) ever. Cousy sure as hell never did this in a game. He also had a habit of wearing his hat sideways in locker room interviews, cussing out reporters and even was a high school teammate of Randy Moss. Don't get much blacker than that. He eventually toned down the flash under old fogey white man Hubie Brown and you'd be hard pressed to even see him throw a no look pass late in his career with the Grizzlies, Heat or Magic but we'll always have youtube clips of his days in Sacramento to remind us of what a trendsetting wigger White Chocolate truly was at one point.

1. Detective Holder on The Killing

The Killing is a truly awful show. Snoot and I watched it anyway, since we started watching it based off of AMC's reputation and figured it would eventually right the ship and make it worth our while. Of course, that didn't happen but it did introduce us and the rest of the world to a new breed of wigger. The white trashy former drug addict (I don't remember if what drug is ever specified on the show, but I'll assume meth) and pretty decent cop. He's also the first wigger I can think of to not be played as a joke (the Swedish actor who plays Holder might have based his idea of American police solely on Eminem videos or the Staten Island Mall); even Jesse's wardrobe and "bitch" and "yo"'s are kinda tongue in cheek. Holder is who he is, and the only recognition of his wiggerdom comes when his partner says he dresses like Justin Bieber. We've finally come to a moment in our history that a white man can act like he's a black guy from the hood and it's just an incidental part of his back story and not something to be ridiculed. So remember, Chad and Trevor in Fort Lauderdale, it gets better. It really does.

Honorable mentions:

Justin Bieber- Besides his style of dress and blaccent, he's got baby mama issues.

Robin Thicke- Son of the whitest man in the world, TV dad Alan Thicke, has some serious soul.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

An Asteroid passed by earth yesterday

If you didn't notice, that's good. That means we are still alive.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Hater J's Week 9 Picks

Jets (+2) - I usually like to find reasons to pick against the Jets, but I can't find any reason (other than my hatred for Sanchez) to pick against them. They're off a bye week, play great defense, and have been running the ball well. The Bills can't stop the run, the Jets can shut down Jackson/Amish Rifle, and the Bills are due for a let down.

Giants (+9) - You were warned to avoid these Giants last week. Following the "play to the level of competition" theory, this is the week to jump back on the wagon. The Pats don't lose at home and they don't lose back to back. But with the point spread, what does that matter? This Giants team saw the Steelers throw a ton underneath and exploit that weak Pats secondary. The Giants have enough guys to do exactly that and keep this game inside of a touchdown.

Falcons (-7) - The Colts are playing hard, too bad effort is meaningless after kindergarten. The Falcons can use a win here to pick up some ground on the Saints and start their post bye week season on a good foot.

Bucs (+8.5) - Maybe the Saints are just awesome at home and suck everywhere else. Maybe they just don't fare well against certain teams that run up the gut. Or maybe just certain teams have their number. With all those maybes, I'll take the points.

Texans (-11) - The Browns are awful on offense. They are also playing another road game and their running game is a mess. I don't trust Colt McCoy to jump start this offense, and the Texans want to keep rolling. Lay the points.

Chiefs (-4.5) - This line should be higher. The Dolphins overachieved against an underachieving Giants team. The Chiefs are also on a short week after an emotional Monday night game, but they were home and are also home for this one. Arrowhead will swallow Matt Moore in a blow out.

49ers (-3.5) - This feels like a trap game. The 49ers going west to east, the Redskins just got blown out and come back home...typically a reason to take the points. I'm not doing it though. The 49ers are focused and well coached. They'll continue to win games they're supposed to.

Seahawks (+11.5) - I can't stand Tavaris and can't believe I'm picking the Seahawks. Tony Romo doesn't go up field, the Hawks have played good defense, and Sidney Rice is starting to get in rhythm. More than enough to take the double digit points.

Raiders (-8) - Tebow is horrific. Carson Palmer isn't off the hook here, but the running game behind him is legit. How many more atrocities do we have to see until the Tebow idiots just shut up?

Titans (-3) - The Bengals just had a nice road win. Winning on the road in back to back games may be too much to ask out of a rookie QB.

Cards (-2) - Kevin Kolb hasn't been much better than a back up. If he were playing, you'd give the 2 points, there is no reason why you shouldn't if Skelton is starting.

Packers (-5.5) - Phillip Rivers has thrown 4 more picks than TD's. The Packers look to expand that gap Sunday.

Steelers (-3) - The home team always wins this game. The Ravens' offense (Joe Flacco) stinks. The Steelers are playing well and remember week 1 very well.

Bears (+8) - The Eagles are the best in the NFC East now? Who knew that it only took whipping on a cruddy Cowboys team that dropped passes that hit them in the helmet for us to make that leap? I'm not buying...yet. The Bears run well and had an extra week to prepare for this offense. The Eagles don't stop the run and Vick will get hit. I'll take the points.

For Those Who Watch On Saturday: LSU +5, Nebraska -17.5, Stanford -21, Utah +3.5, Houston -27.5

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Is ASAP Rocky Any Different From Vanilla Ice?

Hip hop trends these days move swiftly and mysteriously. In the past (old man alert) rappers would develop underground followings through hustle and (usually) acquired industry connections via mixtapes from the usual tastemaker djs, most of whom resided in New York, and for the most part based on talent. With the new millenium, came a new breed of rapper and the method of getting buzz went beyond just rapping a freestyle on DJ Clue's monday night show on Hot 97 and landing a song at the end of a Kay Slay tape. 50 Cent ushered in the mixtape era, releasing cds that were more like albums and the trend of rapping new songs over other people's beats. With the presence of the internet growing larger every second, though, a new type of rapper has emerged: One that isn't all that talented but has the type of buzz that used to be reserved for underground beasts who tore up every guest appearance or radio freestyle they touched (think Canibus or DMX). Enter a 21 year old kid from Harlem with a Texas fetish named ASAP Rocky.

ASAP, not at all to be confused with mumbly white people rapper Aesop Rock, is probably the most talked about new rapper out, and just this past Monday released his first highly anticipated mixtape to mostly positive reviews and internet drooling. He pretty much came out of nowhere, appearing sporadically on the rap blogs and Pitchfork since this spring. Mysteriously dropping a video or mp3, mostly inspiring people to say "who's this kid from Harlem that raps like Lil Flip?". And I'll admit, I kind of dig his music. The beats are ambient, drugged out stuff that i like and he's a decent enough southern rapper, but the one thing that I can't get past as I listen to LiveLoveASAP is this kid is a fraud. If we call out people like Vanilla Ice or any of the other rappers who are found to be living a lie, why not this guy? Being a white person who acts black is one of the most ridiculed characters in existence, mostly due to the idea that it's someone trying to be something they're not in order to look cool. The word poser comes to mind. ASAP admits he loves Texas although HE'S NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE. He just knows what he sees on tv in rap videos and hears in the sizzurp soaked UGK albums. Sound familiar? . Rick Ross gets lampooned by many rap fans for his former life as corrections officer, and rightfully so, but is that so much different than a dude from Harlem who's never been in the state of Texas that imitates the drawling sound of someone who was born in Port Arthur? One difference might be that ASAP isn't intentionally deceiving anyone. He says he's from Harlem pretty much on every track but he's still adopted a persona that is not authentic to who he is as a person. Hip hop used to be a culture that valued authenticity over anything else. Remember keeping it real (the real term not PTU's adopted version of drunken athletes with crappy cars)? I'll admit I'm a little biased since New York isn't the center of the hiphop world anymore, and the death of regionalism has always been a pet peeve of most of us at PTU. I know I sound 1000 years old but the ascension of the internet and social networks as the primary means of communication and entertainment for the youth these days is to blame for kids who grew up in New York that root for the Patriots and rappers that were born in Harlem that pretend to be from down south. We live in a global village where you can pick and choose what area you want dress like, sound like, and what teams to root for regardless of your actual hometown. I'm not saying that's wrong, really, but if we're going to clown Vanilla Ice and Rick Ross for living a lie what about the fake country boy and his styrofoam cup of lean, ASAP?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

PTU Guide to Republicans by Snoot and Bagels: Part 1 of 2

This is a PTU two part political special.

During a conversation today Johnny Bagels made a distinction regarding the types of Republicans working in his office, noting that they were "old money sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans". It was at this point that we realized we both enjoy fitting people into narrowly defined political stereotypes. Here is the official PTU Guide to Republicans (don't worry, we hate on all sides equally. Democrats will be coming soon).

Old Money Sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans
These guys are a dying breed (there are no women in this group). They have a ton of money and like being isolated from the proletariat. Not usually loud and flashy, they hate most people and keep to themselves unless inside the confines of their elite clubs. Kind of guys that talk PC in public and then run to the Yacht club to bash minorities while drinking 30 year old scotch. Usually involved in some type of business that either destroys the environment or kills people like oil or defense contract work.

Prime Examples: Koch Brothers, Dick Cheney.

Crazy Fires Of Hell Bible Belt Republicans
This group has gotten popular in recent months due to publicity for candidates likes Michelle Bachmann. Rather then worry about things like the economy or the wars we have going on, their main goal is ruin the lives of gay people, pretend their kids won't have sex until marriage (Mrs. Palin), and argue that God made people out of Play-Dough. A great quote from Michelle sums it all up" Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that."

Prime Examples: Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum.

Good Old Racist Republicans
No one typifies this group more then gold old Strom Thurmond. He is best known for doing everything he could to hold down those pesky minorities during his long career, at least when he wasn't getting his black maid knocked up at 16. At least because of his good Christian heart he passed her some money under the table. More recently, Pat Buchanan has stepped into the spotlight as the new leader of this group with his new book. Among other things, he longs for the joy and tranquility of segregation "Back then, black and white lived apart, went to different schools and churches, played on different playgrounds, and went to different restaurants, bars, theaters, and soda fountains. But we shared a country and ture. We were one nation. We were Americans.
Prime Examples: Strom Thurmond, Pat Buchanan

New Money Hedge Fund Asshole Republicans

Perhaps the most reviled breed of Republican, and often the spawn of William F. Buckley Republicans. When the elite send their kids into finance training at an early age to groom them for dominance, this is what you get. They don't really share in any of the ideals or care about social issues, they just have no empathy for other humans and want to make sure the government doesn't take any of their money. They are often at odds with the Fires of Hell Republicans because they spend their one night off getting bottle service at whatever snooty club is the flavor of the week after which they bang lots of chicks who are in town for a modeling gig. Despite their sometimes awful appearance, they usually land a hot trophy wife and put her up in a nice house in the suburbs while banging their admins back in city.

Prime Examples: Steve Cohen, This Guy

Civil Service Workers and Old Italian and Irish Republicans

Not as offensive (to me at least) as the old money or racist redneck sect of the GOP but maybe the most prevalent type in the outer boroughs. These are the guys who probably shouldn't vote Republican if they really thought about it (why do they care if millionaires pay more taxes?), some are even in unions but they just can't get past the thought of voting the same way as a long haired hippie from Bushwick. Usually, these guys work as cops or for Sanitation and enjoy good ol' fashioned red blooded American activities like watching the NFL on Sundays at Bean Post, eating steak and being weary of foreigners. There's a lot of crossover here with the old white guys who used to dominate New York (they hang out in a lot of the same places and work the same jobs), the Italians and Irish who remember when Brooklyn wasn't full of camel jockeys and hipster artist types. They don't understand why silly brown people can't pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make enough money to buy a house in Dyker Heights like their immigrant grandparents did. They would vote for a pile of laundry before they voted for someone named Barack Obama.

Prime Examples: Bay Ridge and Long Island Cops. Danny Aiello.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Marrying Kim Kardashian: Good Career Move or Just Stupid?

The PTU staff is divided over quite a few things (baseball team allegiances, Wall Street protesters, Cam Newton, organic donuts) but maybe nothing inspires spirited (sometimes violent) debate in the PTU offices as Kim Kardashian. A couple of us think she's the hottest girl to walk the planet while the others consider her nothing more than a plastic whore with a saggy ass. A few days ago, Hater J and I almost came to E-blows over the merits of marrying Kim K. This isn't a question of "would you bang her?" or anything like that. Even the staunchest Kardashian opponent wouldn't kick her out of the bed. But moving past that, is the decision to wife her a wise business move or something only a sucker with an NBA contract would do? With the tragic news that has the nation in mourning today that Kim and Kris's wedded bliss has come to an abrupt end, let's face the question that's on every one's mind. To wife or not to wife Kim Kardashian?

The answer for me lies in how successful your athletic career is at the moment. For a guy like Reggie Bush - already an established name at the beginning of his professional career at the time of his hook up with KK - didn't need to put a ring on it to give himself a boost. And even after breaking up with her, he's maintained a decent career with a few lame endorsements despite playing in Hell. But for her most recent ex, Kris Humphries? This was a gold mine for him, a veritable cash cow. Think about it. He might be guilty of trying to change a hoe into a housewife but you had no idea who this ass clown was before he started dating Kimmy. I watched approximately 300 hours of NBA basketball a week before the lockout, and I was a bit fuzzy on the guy before he came to New Jersey. He has career numbers below those of Benoit Benjamin and the offensive touch of a man with artificial limbs. He was the ultimate nobody on a team that nobody cares about (even in their own home state). Can name recognition possibly be a bad thing for a guy this mind numbingly mediocre? No way. He also had his best statistical season by far last year, which could either be attributed to his new found fame and hot girlfriend or could just be another case of a guy playing great in a contract year. Either way, K Hump is now a household name, and not even in sports watching households, but all of your wives and girlfriends and mothers and sisters who read US weekly and watch E! know this guy. They don't know anyone else on the Nets but they know him. And even more than that, he's going to gain sympathy from being left by a fame hungry witch that most women are already on the fence about.

Of course, being recognized by housewives and sisters doesn't translate into fame and fortune or success on the court. But hitching your wagons to a famous train these days is the best option for a borderline athlete, even if it's a crazy train. Kardashian could be looking to match her hero Elizabeth Taylor's marriage mark, and at least he'll always be the first in that long, sad line. If that's not enough, then there's always Dancing with the Stars or Basketball Husbands. It's better than being Benoit Benjamin.