Thursday, March 28, 2013

Hater's Holiday! The Heat Finally Lose!

Call out sick today, streak through the streets, break some car windows, punch a stranger in the face! It's a celebration for haters everywhere, as well as for those that embrace all that is right and just in the world. The Miami Heat have finally lost a game! These past two months have been a non-stop barrage of LeBron worship and general fawning over the greatness that is the Miami Heat. You couldn't turn on ESPN or read a sports related blog without incessant chatter over everything that is wonderful about the Heat. And I hated it. I dreaded even watching Sportscenter and not just for the incredibly lame jokes the anchors tell. I kind of understand how those Americans stuck in Iran felt in Argo. The Heat juggernaut held all of us haters hostage for nearly 2 months! But now we can breathe easy. It's beginning to almost feel like Spring in the tri-state area:  the sky is blue, the sun is shining, girls are starting to wear skirts and there's a great big L next to the Heat's name in the sports section.

Enjoy it for now, fellow haters. While the taste of defeat is sweet, alas it is short lived. The Heat are still a dominant team, and I know I wasn't the only person who felt like Miami would still pull a win out of their ass even when they were down 9 with 2 minutes left. And they were a defensive rebound away from having a chance to make it a one possession game with about a minute left but Carlos Boozer (who made some great and some really, really stupid plays last night) scored on a put back to seal it. They've shown they're on another level when they really focus and it's a scary thing for every other team and fan base in the NBA. But, there's a slight glimmer of hope that the haters can take solace in. The short-handed Bulls who started Nazr Mohammed in place of Joakim Noah (ugh) and still without D Rose pushed the Heat around a bit and frustrated LeBron, so much so that he committed his first flagrant foul since 2007 (which oddly enough was on Wade back when James was with the Cavs) on a elbow to the chest of Boozer. It was strange to see, the usually unflappable LeBron losing his cool like that. That's usually the stuff that mere mortal hot heads like Carmelo pull. But the Bulls pushed, bumped and even tackled (see the photo above) LeBron all night and provided a blueprint for other teams to maybe have a chance against Miami. Much like the bad boy Pistons employed the "Jordan Rules" which was little more than just sending 3 of their goons to assault MJ on every drive to the basket, Chicago basically let Bron and the Heat know that if they were going to beat them it would hurt. But oh does it feel good to be a hater today. Enjoy it for now, my comrades in Heat Hate. We might not like LeBron when he's angry.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Old People Suck

Like many New Yorkers I live in an apartment building, and with that comes much stress and heartache. Chief among those annoyances is living within close proximity to other humans. Either Sartre or Woody Allen or someone said "Hell is other people" and no one understands that as well as people who live in New york city apartments. While all manner of other people have their annoying quirks, one of the worst types of people to cohabitate with is the elderly. Man, do old people suck. You may think that all old folks are cute, wise little fellas like the guy from Up, but in reality the majority of old people are bitter, angry coots who at this point in their life have nothing but time to yell at young people.

If you're wondering where this sudden hatred of old people has come from, (full disclosure time), this morning I had a run-in with the old crank who lives directly below me. He's a crusty, ancient Russian man who I'm sure lived through all manner of hardships back in his mother country and now takes out his bottled up rage and despair on the well-meaning blogger who lives above him. I feel bad that he had to wait on line for an entire afternoon for a loaf of bread when I spend most of my afternoons binge watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix and eating take out pad thai, but that's no excuse to scream at me in broken English first thing in the morning. I don't like people to tell me they love me when I first wake up, never mind yelling nonsense about not wearing shoes after midnight. If I wanted to be lectured on how loud I walk I would have stayed living at home, Boris! Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm the model neighbor. I'm barely home, and when I am I lay on my couch and watch NBA League Pass for 4 hours before shuffling to my bathroom and then my bedroom at 11:30. No parties, no screaming babies or pets, in fact I probably walk as little as humanly possible when I'm in my apartment. I'm practically a piece of furniture. I hope when I move out, a family of 15 insomniac circus performers moves in and tap dances and does aerobics all night long. If only this guy knew how good he has it.

That's my rant about old people.