Thursday, March 7, 2013

Old People Suck

Like many New Yorkers I live in an apartment building, and with that comes much stress and heartache. Chief among those annoyances is living within close proximity to other humans. Either Sartre or Woody Allen or someone said "Hell is other people" and no one understands that as well as people who live in New york city apartments. While all manner of other people have their annoying quirks, one of the worst types of people to cohabitate with is the elderly. Man, do old people suck. You may think that all old folks are cute, wise little fellas like the guy from Up, but in reality the majority of old people are bitter, angry coots who at this point in their life have nothing but time to yell at young people.

If you're wondering where this sudden hatred of old people has come from, (full disclosure time), this morning I had a run-in with the old crank who lives directly below me. He's a crusty, ancient Russian man who I'm sure lived through all manner of hardships back in his mother country and now takes out his bottled up rage and despair on the well-meaning blogger who lives above him. I feel bad that he had to wait on line for an entire afternoon for a loaf of bread when I spend most of my afternoons binge watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix and eating take out pad thai, but that's no excuse to scream at me in broken English first thing in the morning. I don't like people to tell me they love me when I first wake up, never mind yelling nonsense about not wearing shoes after midnight. If I wanted to be lectured on how loud I walk I would have stayed living at home, Boris! Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm the model neighbor. I'm barely home, and when I am I lay on my couch and watch NBA League Pass for 4 hours before shuffling to my bathroom and then my bedroom at 11:30. No parties, no screaming babies or pets, in fact I probably walk as little as humanly possible when I'm in my apartment. I'm practically a piece of furniture. I hope when I move out, a family of 15 insomniac circus performers moves in and tap dances and does aerobics all night long. If only this guy knew how good he has it.

That's my rant about old people.

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