Friday, June 29, 2012

The Truth About Obamacare

Motown Marxist, hope you aren't offended....Also, I'm putting aside my own views here and attempting to lay this out as objectively as possible.

By now you are probably already sick to your stomach hearing people get all melodramatic over the recent SCOTUS decision on "Obamacare". The truth is that this ruling doesn't mean anything has been decided and it will take years for all of this to play out. Johnny Bagels has commented that people don't even want to have a logical argument about what we should do but instead want to cry and cheer like they are watching a Yankees-Red Sox game. I agree, enough with all of that, it's time to boil this down to the fundamental question we need to answer as a society:

"How do we handle poor (sometimes because they are lazy) people who show up sick and don't have money or insurance". The way I see it, we have three choices.

A) If they have no money or insurance, they are denied medical care unless a doctor decides to provide services for free. If they happen to end up dying, we have to accept that.
B) Even though it sucks and isn't fair we pool resources and extend health care benefits to everyone....including lazy slobs who smoke crack
C) Provide a very basic crappy level of health care to poor people so we don't feel too bad..basically what we do now.

None of these options are great, but logically these are the choices since healthcare isn't free and there will always be people who are in the gutter with no money and no insurance. It would be interesting to see what would happen if we had an open vote on these choices. Instead we can continue to hear annoying diatribes that make this into an emotional issue rather than an important logical decision for society.

A PTU Salute to WFAN

The idea that there was ever a time without sports radio is crazy to most of us. For as long as any of us at PTU can remember, 660 on the AM dial has been nothing but middle aged men yakking about New York sports. Any extended trip in a car with your father or a stop in a pizzeria for a slice was accompanied by a WFAN host arguing with a caller. You had Steve Somers and his creepy uncle vibe late afternoons with Russ Salzberg (who would later take his sweaters to UPN/My9 News), Bill "you had no idea I was black until I worked on MSG" Daughtry in the evenings, Mike and the Mad Dog all the damn afternoon along with John Minko and 20/20 sports updates and Don Imus before the world hated him and his cowboy hat in the morning. World spanning NBC sports anchor Len Berman was an original host, as was HBO boxing guy Jim Lampley and Greg Gumbel. Mike Breen and Clyde Frazier did the Knicks games (one a national announcer now and the other the coolest man in the world), and of course the Fan has been the home of the Mets for decades now (Let's go Mets! F.A.N.) It all seems commonplace now but in the late 80s it was revolutionary. Today, it's a formula that's been replicated all over the country. Two assholes sit in a studio for 4 hours taking calls like this:

Host: Vinnie in Bayside on the line, how ya doin Vinnie?

Vinnie: How ya doin, Mike? First time, long time. I wanna talk about the Mets.

It's really simple but that kind of exchange didn't exist until July 1st, 1987. Now you have nationally syndicated shows, and every city has at least one station dedicated to talking about their sports teams. Sports fans are almost all obsessive, and we don't go a day without talking about some type of sport for at least a couple minutes, be it on e-mail, text, social media or even sometimes in person. Blogs like this wouldn't exist without people's insatiable appetites for all things sports (ok this blog would probably still exist) but it's hard to fathom that there was ever a period in this country during which people thought there wouldn't be a market for that kind of stuff. For better or worse (probably for better), WFAN blazed the trail for the round the clock sports culture. A lot of the voices have changed but it's still the same basic format and Vinnie is still mad at the Mets. I'm going to get a slice of pizza this weekend and listen to the bickering.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Top 5 Hottest Female Athletes

You may have heard the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", probably as some ugly person's Facebook status. That's true, as one person's "hottest girl ever" is another's "fat, plastic cow" (often known as the Kim Kardashian theory). Even more important than the beholder, though, is the setting that the person is placed. For example, that one girl in your office who everyone drools over wouldn't get a second look walking through Manhattan. She's "office hot". This phenomenon translates to the world of sports as well. It's a well known fact that most female athletes at the professional (or at least televised) level are testosterone packed freaks of nature, and are decidedly unhot. Any woman who doesn't look like Jim Carrey's amazon character on In Living Color is suddenly deemed "so hot!" by us horny male viewers. You're going to see a prime example of this over the next couple months as we'll be forced to hear how ridiculously hot Lolo Jones is, the 29 year old virgin Olympic athlete, who is basically the definition of "athlete hot". She's built like Michael Johnson but does have some pretty eyes. Still, she's already reached over rated status, and the Olympics haven't even started. There are a few female athletes who would be hot anywhere though.

5) Maria Sharapova

A mainstay for years on people's hottest female athletes list, Sharapova is still keeping her spot in the top 5 alive. While Anna Kournikova was undoubtedly hotter (and still is) Code 73.4 of the Pervy Sports Fan Blogger sanctions (and Mr D) forbids us from adding her to this list since she hasn't been an active athlete for many years and now mostly lays on the beach with Enrique Iglesias, Sharapova is still a winning player. The fact that she's married to Sasha Vujacic detracts from her hotness a little though.

4)Danica Patrick

While slightly overrated because she can drive a car better than most dudes, and is surrounded by rednecks, Danica is still hot. It seems like she tries to overcompensate for constantly being in a helmet with the Go Daddy commercials and swimsuit modeling, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she could get it.

3) Jennie Finch

While some (like Hater J) might think she looks like a random white chick you could pick up at Off The Wagon after a pitcher of Coors Light and some chicken wings, you can't deny that she is one of the hottest athletes ever. It helps that the majority of softball playing women look like this but I think you could stack her up against any group of 9 chicks and she would still stand out.

2) Natalie Gulbis

On the totem pole of hot female athletes sports golf is somewhere at the bottom (with a few exceptions), next to field hockey and bowling but there's one golfer who catches our eye, and not because she wears pants like Chi Chi Rodriguez. No, it's because she has big ol' boobs and stretches like that. Fun Fact: That pic has been Snoot's screensaver on his computer for the past 3 years.

1)Malia Jones

Ok, so technically Malia is a model as well as being a surfer, so she barely counts as a professional athlete, but why don't you try coming up with 5 really hot female athletes? It's like picking the 5 best shows on BET, or the 5 most interesting things to do in Staten Island. So we're going to stick with a surfer/model as number one. Any excuse to post pics of her is fine with me.

Monday, June 25, 2012

PTU Summer Movie Preview

Ok, so summer technically started last week, appropriately on a day that approached 100 degrees in the shade in NY, and the summer movie season started around Memorial Day, but there's still a lot of popcorn to be popped in the next 2 months and change. Movies released at this time are notorious for being, well, garbage, but at the very least the theatre will be air conditioned. You've probably already seen the Avengers, but will anything come close to making as much as scratch as that movie did? Let's take a look at a couple of flicks that will be making noise at your local multiplex/arthouse/African guy's sheet on Atlantic Avenue during the dog days.

The Amazing Spiderman

I was as big a Spiderman fan as there could be growing up, at least until they did all that business with the clones and Peter Parker's parents, and Aunt May died, etc. I was a big fan of the first two Sam Raimi directed Spider movies, but I'm a little skeptical about this one (that's not an official clip from the movie above). Franchise reboots are nothing new, of course, and Marvel had some luck with the Hulk reboot a little while ago. But the first Hulk movie was a piece of shit, so it was more of a Ed Norton starring do-over than anything else. Starting a franchise over that was already a success seems pointless (although I know what the point is). I'll probably still see this, but am not really too excited about it.

The Expendables 2

Once you get past the stunt casting of having every action star ever besides Steven Seagal in one movie blowing shit up for nearly 2 hours, you were left feeling kinda empty. Maybe it was the fact that the plot was thin, or the acting was Dolph Lundgrenish. Or maybe it was just that Chuck Norris wasn't in it. This movie's going to be awesome on HBO on a Sunday when you're hung over.

Magic Mike

With the release of this movie and the world domination of 50 Shades of Grey, horny girls are so in right now. If your girlfriend or wife told you she didn't want to see this, she's a liar and not to be trusted, break up with her tomorrow. This movies going to make 8 zillion dollars this weekend, and maybe 12 of those dollars will be from a straight guy, who only accidentally bought a ticket because he thought it was called Magic vs Mike the story of the 91 NBA Finals. It won't matter if no guys want to see this though, because unlike horny dudes, who prefer to be horny by themselves and watch women strip on computers lest they be met with a thousand judging eyes, and shame wash over them, women will go see this movie in PACKS. It's going to be girl's night out at the AMC. And since it probably cost 30 bucks to make, it's going to be a huge success for Stephen Soderbergh, Channing Tatum and the rest. Never underestimate the buying power of the horny woman.

The Watch

Funny story about The Watch. It was originally called Neighborhood Watch until actual neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman shot Trayvon Martin. Ok, it's not funny at all, but the movie looks like it could have it's moments. With a cast like Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill and Ben Stiller there's bound to be a few LOL moments. And at least Adam Sandler's not in it.

To Rome With Love

Woody Allen's latest continues his Europe fetish. I love Woody (no homo) but as any one who's ever seen The Curse of The Jade Scorpion can tell you, his output over the past 20 or so years has been spotty. Recently, he's had more luck with the European set films. There are still a few clunkers in there, but Match Point was cool (even if it was just a remake of Crimes and Misdemeanors without the comedy) and Midnight in Paris was his biggest commercial success ever, as well as critically loved. Will To Rome be more vintage Woody or another dud? I could see Jesse Eisenberg doing a neurotic Woody impression all movie being annoying (also Roberto Benigni is in this), but reviews have been mostly positive.

The Dark Knight Rises

You know you're going to see this. Don't even front.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Why Did The Killing Suck So Much?

We watch a lot of tv at the PTU offices (with the exception of Bottle). The 15 inch monitors that hover over all of our desks as we toil away at crafting that perfect post that will touch the hearts and minds of millions are always tuned into the latest in sports and tv shows. One such show that Snoot and I began watching last year was AMC's The Killing. AMC has developed a reputation as the basic cable home for quality, thought provoking and kick-ass drama but, for many reasons, The Killing sucks. Big time. And it started out so promising too.

Based on a Swedish show, the premise revolved around the murder of a teenage girl, the ensuing investigation and the aftershocks felt by the surrounding community as well as the girl's grieving family. It was set in a very dreary, and very, very rainy Seattle, employed a cast of great actors and had a seemingly fool proof dramatic gimmick. So what the hell happened? How'd show runner Veena Sud and her writers fumble what seems like such an easy touchdown of a show? As only worthwhile character Holder once said: "It starts at the top!"

  • Head writer Veena Sud seemed to think of this show as above most procedural crime shows (i.e. CSI, NCIS, Law & Order) and would use this as a defense whenever people would point out that her show didn't, ya know, make sense, or the mystery just wasn't interesting. She also used this refrain in response to the uproar over last season's finale. Instead of coming through on their promise to reveal Rosie Larsen's killer, they instead pulled some BS about Holder suddenly becoming corrupt (a plot line that was quickly abandoned). The whole "this isn't your normal tv show" was just a cop out to avoid things like a sensible plot or an entertaining storyline. It would sometimes almost be deep, or touch on something a little deeper than the normal cop show, but would then instead spend 45 minutes on a subplot that had nothing to do with anything like female circumcision or this guy.

  • There were waaaaay too many red herrings. This is well documented by the snarky bloggy types, but every fucking episode ended with an ultra dramatic montage, with that ever increasingly nervous music that just screams "hurry up and get to next week's plot point, Mad Men is almost on". They'd close up on exactly who looked like must have been the culprit....and then the next week of course it wasn't them for some insanely stupid reason. Of course, you have to keep them guessing but after the 18th tiime this happened, it was just silly.

  • The show was too unrealistic for even television standards. You have to suspend your disbelief whenever you're watching a fictional movie or show, but this show might as well have had fairies riding unicorns trying to crack the case. Again, some of the show's few defenders will argue that this was a pulpy show not meant to be taken all that serious. Except it also tried to be a serious show, with ultra realistic values (again with the "not your normal tv show") but also wanted to be a wacky, out there show when it couldn't come up with any better, plausible ideas.

  • The writers were just lazy. Really, really lazy. Kind of like how lazy I'm being writing these couple sentences.

  • The one saving grace of the show was top 5 wigger Detective Holder, who was almost always the high point of the hour. Here's hoping that Joel Kinneman finds a new home on a much better show in the not too distant future.

    Monday, June 18, 2012

    Don't Blame The Refs: The Thunder Are Killing Themselves

    It's a common practice of haters such as ourselves to try to find a reason, any reason, that the target of our hate is succeeding. In the case of PTU whipping boy, LeBron James, the thought of his actually winning a championship could send any basketball fan scrambling for a Kennedy assassination level conspiracy theory. The most common theory is the fix is in and the refs are going to make sure the Heat win a title. I think this is baloney. Big market teams (and the teams that get the highest ratings) do sometimes get a boost from the officials. There's been a couple games in the past 10 years that appeared to show blatant favoritism towards a team like the Lakers, but I believe that there's a greater chance that Tupac is tanning on the beach on an island somewhere than David Stern called the officials into his office and said "Make sure the Heat get the majority of the calls in this series. And for God sakes, get Durant off the court however you can!". Let's say the NBA does occasionally conspire to fix games for the sake of argument. Even if they worked to get a particular team in the Finals (and it would be the Lakers not the Thunder playing the Heat if they did), once that team was there, the most important thing would be to prolong the series. The league does not benefit from one team winning a series in 5. They would also not purposely put the third biggest superstar on the bench, as some people have implied, through manipulated foul calls. The Finals have been marketed by the league as Magic vs Bird 2.0. They wouldn't then purposely get Magic in foul trouble. The fact of the matter is Kevin Durant has committed dumb fouls throughout the series.

    Are some of these fouls a little ticky tack? Sure. But I can't see a scenario in which the NBA would mandate it's referees to take one of the best players off the court in a Finals series. Of the four fouls in the video, the worst call is probably the first. A jab step and a shoulder used to clear some space that Durant and LeBron do all the time. A bad call, maybe, but not sinister if you ask me. The other calls are all legit; a hold as LeBron goes around a screen, a hand across the face of Bron on a layup, and leaving his feet on a Wade layup. All of these could probably have been no calls, but could also have been avoided by KD.

    Even if all of these fouls were to get him off the floor in key moments, and the Heat took a lot more free throws, the Thunder really shot themselves in the foot through other dumb mistakes that were not contingent on the officials. Namely, back to back fouls on Heat three pointers (of which the Heat hit all 6 shots) that trimmed a 10 point lead to 4 in about 2 minutes of game time towards the end of the third. Even with the sloppy play on defense and offense by the Thunder they were still within striking distance, but again beat themselves by doing something that was beyond the referee's control: missing foul shots in the fourth quarter. Had they knocked down their shots, not made silly turnovers and stayed composed in crunch time (something that they have mostly been able to do throughout the playoffs), OKC would have won by a few points and the conspiracy theorists could go back to investigating the draft lottery (which actually is fixed) or something until tomorrow night. The truth is the Thunder didn't make enough winning plays, and in a turn of events even more painful for us haters, the Heat did.


    Congrats to us.

    Friday, June 15, 2012

    Sorry That Your Breastfeeding Makes Us Act Weird

    Breast feeding is a big topic these days. First, there was the wacky Time cover with the toddler hanging off his mother's breast, and now there are the military women who are under fire for some questionable photos, and by questionable I mean really kind of weird (see above). As a mature adult, on behalf of the male species, let me just say: I'm sorry, ladies, but boobs make us act weird. I know it's in keeping with the neo feminist ideals to view breast feeding as as natural as a sunset, and if people are either creeped out or curious about it then they are neanderthals or sexists (or both), but we have been conditioned to look at boobs a certain way. When they come out of your shirts, we look at them. Bring a baby into the equation, and that creates problems. We want to look but then it is just gross and weird. To expect people not to feel a little funny about women just whipping out their breasts on the train or in a crowded Applebees is expecting a lot more of American people than I think is fair. Say what you want about how society has brainwashed people into looking at nursing as weird or whatever, but it is what it is. Recently, I read an article with a feminist bent that was supposedly exposing the unbelievably horrible new fetish that is "men peeping on women breast feeding". The author disgustedly detailed how these degenerates were using hidden video cameras to capture co workers breast feeding. THEY GET OFF ON INFANTS DRINKING MILK!!! While it's true that those guys are sick pervs who should be punished and I'm not apologizing for them, I guarantee they just wanted to see their co worker pop her boob out of her shirt. And that's the problem we will always have with public breast feeding. Women (especially mothers) see it as a natural loving act between a mother and child (which it is), and everyone else just sees your titty out.

    Things Bottle Says Are THE BOMB

    If you know PTU's LeBron lover Bottle, you know he has a favorite saying: "Such and such" is THE BOMB. Over time, he has assigned this description to many different things. Here's a quick list:

    Iced Coffee
    LeBron James
    The band Best Coast
    Milk of Magnesia
    Kate Upton
    Tom Brady
    New Orleans
    Taco Tuesdays
    Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
    Hippie Tang
    Chinese food in Park Slope
    Hot coffee
    Thailand (particularly the Phuket Islands)
    Obscure documentaries
    Jewish girls
    Craft beer
    Organic donuts
    Brooklyn Cyclones games
    Laying in grass

    If I missed anything, feel free to add whatever else it is that Bottle thinks is THE BOMB in the comments.

    Thursday, June 14, 2012

    Who Wins a Fight Between Drake and Chris Brown?

    Recently, M@d $cientist posted about fights he would like to see including a bear and a shark in outer space. Meanwhile, in reality, there has been a serious beef brewing between two of the most hated (and loved) guys in hip hop. Everyone's favorite Canadian Jew rapper Drake has recently been Twitter tussling with everyone's favorite woman beating punk Chris Brown, and it's recently erupted into bottle throwing cat fighting. All this reportedly over Rhianna, who every day seems to fall faster into cracked out Linsday Lohan territory . I'll admit the alleged first shot that is Drake's "I'm still fucking Rhianna" note is extremely badass but that doesn't take away from the fact that neither of these guys will probably ever have an actual fight. Who would win if these two were to ever let their entourages take a day off and really shoot a fair one? Let's break it down.

    Both of these guys main strength is the ability to be simultaneously misognystic and loved by women at the same time. Drake's recently had lyrics like "she could have a grammy, I'll still treat her ass like a nominee" and Chris Brown punches women in the face. This ability doesn't really translate to street fighting though. Still, Drake has seemingly never been in a fight in his life (unless he got into at the craft service table on the set of Degrassi) and we KNOW CB can throw a punch. Also, Brown stands nearly 6-4 and is very athletic. Drake played a basketball player on Nickelodeon, but by all accounts is as athletic as every other Jewish Canadian. That is, not very. This isn't to say that Chris Brown would mop the floor with Wheelchair Jimmy. On the contrary, I think this would be a fairly even fight with neither participant landing many blows, and some occasional wrestling on the ground. In the end, Chris Brown wins an ugly, feminine fight. This will never happen because their vast entourages, agents, label heads, and hanger ons will ensure that these two are never in the same room again, close enough to scratch each other's eyes out. And even if they were, as tough as they talk on twitter, both of these douche bags would most likely prefer to say they're sorry, curl up with the latest sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, and have a cup of green tea than actually fight. I'd still rather see the shark and the bear.

    Wednesday, June 13, 2012

    Top 5 Marv Albert Calls

    Happy belated Birthday, Marv Albert! It's sure been a tumultuous career for Marvelous. The voice of the Knicks for over 30 years (including their only 2 championships) was fired twice by MSG, first for biting on his hoes (to quote Cam'ron) and then, after being rehired, was then fired again for speaking his mind about the terrible team that the Knicks had become. Despite those bumps in the road, Marv's been the unmistakable voice for so many big NBA moments (along with a host of other sports). He coined the phrases "on fire", and "from downtown" among many others. You might have read Complex's extremely lame list today, replete with errors, and corny jokes, written in that way that only Complex can. These are the real top 5 Marv Albert broadcasting moments. Yes!

    5) Reggie's 25 point 4th Quarter

    All of the moments on this list are impossible to separate from Marv's calls. You can't think of Reggie's spike baiting performance in the 94 ECF without hearing "From waaay downtown" along with Matt Guokas's stunned "look at this shot!". "And once again, has something to say in the direction of Spike Lee". Nobody does drama better than Marv.

    4) Jordan's Shrug

    One of the biggest mistakes the NBA has made in the past 25 years (besides thinking that owning one of it's teams would be a good idea) is letting it's partnership with NBC end. ABC and ESPN are ok (aside from their studio commentators) but nothing can match the NBA on NBC for sheer nostalgic joy. Just the first couple notes of John Tesh's theme music and I'm a little happier. The NBA on NBC heyday also coincided with the Jordan (and PTU) 90s heyday. And Marv was a part of much of Jordan's signature plays. The shrug might have been the signature Marv/Jordan call if not for....

    3) A spec-TAC-ular move

    .....this move by his Airness. Even though the switch to his left hand was kind of unnecessary (he claims he saw Sam Perkins about to put his hand up but could Sam Perkins ever block Michael's shot?)it's still one of the iconic Jordan moments made even more so by Marv's call. This Finals was the changing of the guard, from Magic and Bird's 80s to Michael's 90s.

    2) The Dunk

    I've already written extensively on "the dunk" so I'm not going to say much about it except it was a great moment and Marv said just enough about it without overdoing it. "The rocking".

    1) "Here Comes Willis"

    That Complex didn't have this high on their list is a crime. I assume it's because most of their writers are in their early twenties or really stupid (or both) or do busy drooling over the Yeezy 2's to actually remember that this might be the biggest moment in NY basketball of all time, and Marv's call was a part of it. It's one of those cheesy moments that you think only happens in movies, and that you probably wouldn't see today. If Willis Reed were thinking about playing, David Aldridge would tweet it at 4 pm and it would lose some impact. Back then, Marv was the only messenger and he played the role well.

    Championships Are Over Rated

    The NBA Finals are here. Tomorrow, the Finals are under way in OKC and we're already hearing all of the usual championship hype. Who's going to step up, who's going to shrivel under pressure, what legacies will be created and which will be tarnished forever? But while championship rings are of course an important symbol of a great career (you have to have done something right to win one), they are also undoubtedly over rated in regards to a player's success. Whenever the topic of greatest players ever is brought up, it always comes back to the rings. Kobe fans can throw that in the face of the haters, "he's got 5 rings, bro!". Gretzky's worshippers can tell you how unreal his number of rings are, Jeter supporters always have the hardware argument to fall back on, and people in the Bill Russell is the greatest basketball player ever camp love that picture of him rocking his rings on every finger like he's Slick Rick. But while those are undeniably among the greatest to ever lace up sneakers, cleats and skates, does not having a ring mean a player's career was a complete bust? Of course not. Barkley, Ewing, Reggie Miller, Karl Malone, the list goes on and on of great players who don't have rings and who's reputations have taken hits because of it. Ewing leads the Knicks in nearly every statistical category possible but there's a large portion of Knicks fans who will list him behind Willis Reed or Clyde Frazier on the all time Knicks list because he wasn't ever able to win in June. That's crazy. Is Nazr Mohammed a better former Knicks center because he has a ring (and may get another this season) and Ewing doesn't? Robert Horry and Steve Kerr were very good role players who hit a ton of big shots (hence the nickname Big shot Bob) but the fact that they were a part of 9 straight championships from 1994-2003 shouldn't overshadow that they were not even all star worthy players. They hit huge shots but also were just really, really lucky to ride the coat tails of some of the greatest players ever. If not for Jordan, Pippen, Olajuwon, Kobe, Shaq and Duncan, Robert Horry and Steve Kerr would be Cedric Ceballos and Tim Legler. That one piece of jewelry causes most people to over rate a player's worth even if winning a championship requires a huge amount of factors to fall into place just right. A couple bounces one way or the other and we view Barkley as a top 5 all time player, rather than a second tier superstar who's good for a funny quote. There is no shame in falling just short against the greatest athlete of all time. Those guys on the previous list just happened to be born around the same time as MJ.

    This isn't to say that we should disregard championships altogether as measuring sticks. In certain cases, a player's failure to deliver in the clutch or lack of a competitive instinct (we're looking at you, LeBron and Karl Malone) were/are symbolized by their empty mantles (well, I guess they have MVP trophies and other things that billions of dollars can buy you but no ring). But, we shouldn't let the magical ring overpower a player's entire career in either direction. In a couple weeks, LeBron could very well win one, and then everything will be forgiven. Or Derek Fisher could suddenly have as many rings as Jordan and Nazr Mohammed could have as many as Olajuwon. Only a fool would put those guys in the same class simply because of their jewelry collection, but are they any more "winning guys" than the players who weren't in the right place at the right time? We'll never know, but let's not let championships over rate, or under rate, athletes'legacies.

    Tuesday, June 12, 2012

    NBA Finals Preview: Like Night and Day

    The Oklahoma City Thunders may not be the NBA's number one choice to represent the Western conference (that would be the Lakers) but Scottie Brooks' boys should make most basketball fans excited. After all, this is the rare "play the right way" team that is really fun to watch. They're not the Anti-Heat but they're pretty close. Just about all of their main players are home-grown talent, still playing for the squad that drafted them (even if they were known by a different name at the time) the exception being veterans Derek Fisher and Kendrick Perkins, who may own the second ugliest jump shot in the league next to Jared Jeffries. But the trio of Durant, Westbrook and Harden (along with possibly the best defensive player in the league, all apologies to Tyson Chandler) carry the team, and this "our guys" mentality is only enhanced by the fact that Oklahoma City has literally nothing else to do right now. There are no other pro teams who play there, and Sooners football and basketball is a ways away. It's all they got, and the crowds at Chesapeake energy center (that's what it's called) reflect this type of giddy atmosphere. The Heat on the other hand, may have the worst fans in sports. While Lakers fans are often derided as being more about being seen than actually rooting for the Lakers, Heat fans take this kind of front running, attention seeking to another level. When the Heat are bad, the sight of thousands of empty, yellow seats is common place, and when they're good, you still see lots of empty seats next to the plastic surgeons and plastic surgery enthusiasts. Notorious front runners, you can even see their fickle nature from quarter to quarter. If the Heat are down by a few points, instead of rallying their team to victory like a good fan base would, they sit on their hands or just leave. The Thunder fans stand for the entire second half most games. Can you imagine Heat fans pushing their team to a win when they're down by 15 like Thunder fans did in game 6 vs the Spurs? Never.

    So the fans are polar opposites, as is how the teams were assembled, and so are their team leaders. Durant is a quiet, by all accounts humble dude who only has tattoos where nobody can see them and announced his re signing with the team that drafted him via Twitter. LeBron is LeBron. Temperaments aside, they have very different games as well. Bron preferring to either bulldoze his way to the rim (when he feels like it) or shoot midrange jumpers. Durant has almost unlimited range as well as occasional outbursts at the rim, but he couldn't physically overpower anyone. Who will become a first time champion this season? I really have no idea, but I'd put my money on the Thunder. They're deeper, playing at a more consistenly high level, and less beat up. It also seems like it's destined to be their time. They knocked off the Mavs, Lakers and Spurs and can now knock off the Heat, teams that accounted for 10 of the last 12 championships. It's Durant's turn.

    Thunder in 7

    Friday, June 8, 2012

    LeBron James: Not Who We Thought He Was?

    June 7th will forever be known as a national day of mourning for haters everywhere. Fly your "LeBron sucks" shirts at half staff, and let's have a moment of silence for Skip Bayless, who's trying so gosh darn hard to still be the supreme hater. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Similarly to how a 2010 NBA Finals game 7 can make Kobe worshippers like myself question the guys "clutchness", 2012 ECF game 6 just messed up every LeBron haters' game. He didn't just have a good game in one of the biggest contests of his career. He absolutely DOMINATED the Celtics. 45, 15 and 5. 30 in the first half when he tore the Celtics and their fans' hearts out. And these weren't garbage time stat padding points he put up. In fact, in garbage time he was content to pass, mostly, and then sat with 3 minutes left and a comfortable Heat lead. Every time the Celtics sniffed a comeback he hit another tough jumper in a Celtic face. And he kept hitting jumpers all night. This wasn't the LeBron that picked up garbage baskets off layups and free throws off dubious foul calls. He didn't even take that many threes. It was 20 footer after 20 footer, 19 out of 27 shots to be exact, with a few free throws tossed in for good measure. Everyone knows we've been as merciless in our ridicule of the "King" and his vagina since the inception of this little blog, but I have to give him props for coming through the way he did. All a hater can hope for is a return to normalcy tomorrow night in Miami, so we can all get back to making fun of this guy. Usually after a unconscious offensive game like last night, a player will come back to Earth the following game. Heat fans might wish that he had done this one game later. After all, I've been suckered into thinking the haters were dead before.

    Thursday, June 7, 2012

    PTU Religion Hall of Shame

    This morning I read a disturbing NYDN article which sparked the idea for this list. While I'm not an atheist and I'm not going to get into the merits of religion, many religions certainly have really crazy rules and practices, which in any other context would seem completely insane. Being equal opportunity haters here at PTU we won't focus on any one religion, although since we mostly know Catholics and Jews they feature most prominently on the list. There are so many crazy things to chose from but these are the ones that stood out.

    5) No Cursing
    This seems to be a stupid rule all religions have but only your grandmother follows. Here is something someone made up when they wrote the bible: Ephesians 4:29 tells us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

    As a prime example of this sin, here is the NEW KANYE WEST MERCY VIDEO (it also helps get us hits).

    4) No Masturbating
    Seriously? Most religions (except some Protestants) seem to forbid this, although I couldn't find any specific holy scriptures addressing the issue. If there was ever a rule that should be broken, this is probably it. My best evidence is found here in some nerd paper called Sonographic observation of in utero fetal "masturbation". If god made humans and we get this going before we are even born in my mind this activity is fully sanctioned, end of story.

    3) Don't eat Shellfish
    This one is pretty confusing growing up in an Italian household since every Christmas we seem to eat lobster and shrimp in honor of Jesus. Apparently some guy named Leviticus worked for the beef lobby and got this clause inserted in the bible "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you".

    2) Your wife can't grab the balls of a guy mugging her husband
    I have to thank crazy list site for coming up with this one. Apparently there is some concern that if your wife squeezes the balls of some guy attacking her husband she is being inappropriate.

    Deuteronomy 25:11-12 "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity." What a whore your wife is, you are being attacked and she is trying to grab some guys balls! (okay the bible didn't say that last part).

    1) Drinking the blood from newly circumcised penises 
    Seriously WTF!! This is the story we were talking about this morning that spurred the idea for this post. Apparently one sect of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish people has an ancient ritual where they suck the blood out of the wound after a circumcision. I have to think some sick weirdo came up with this ritual thousands of years ago, because I can't imagine any logical way this would please God.

    Top 5 Subway Series Moments (as told by a Met hater)

    The Yankees and the Mets are both in striking distance of first place within their respective divisions. So it sets up a big series this weekend with the crosstown rivals. It's been a while since both teams have been good at the same time, mostly because the Mets sucked so bad. So to get you ready for this weekend, here are my top 5 subway series moments.

    1. October 30, 2000. Light hitting utility infielder, Luis Sojo, gets the game winning and World Series winning single off Al Leiter. Yankees fans have bragging rights for the rest of their life.

    2. July 8, 2000. After a career of tormenting now known steroid freak Roger Clemens with his bat, Clemens decides it times to get even and plunks the metrosexual Mike Piazza in the head. The sight of a motionless Piazza just warms my heart. And just to make sure that Piazza didn't think that was an accident, Clemens flings a broken bat at Piazza in game 2 of the aforementioned World Series that year in a game he dominated.

    3. June 13, 2009. Known to Mets fan as the Luis Castillo game, Castillo drops the third out on a popup to second. He turned what would have been a rousing victory into a crushing defeat.

    4. June 26-28, 2009. The Yankees come into Citi field for the first time and promptly sweep the Mets. Rivera gets his 500th save and also gets his first career rbi.

    5. July 8, 2000. In a true "subway series", the Yankees and the Mets play a day night double header in both stadiums. The Yankees sweep both games and former Mets flameout Doc Gooden gets the win in the day game.

    Wednesday, June 6, 2012

    NEW Kanye West Mercy Video

    Say what you want about Kanye West. He's an attention seeking prick, he dresses funny, he's generally an asshole...oh wait, that's LeBron. Well, there's a lot of stuff you could say about Yeezy too, but one thing you can't take away from him is he at least tries to be original and make bold music and videos. I wasn't feeling Mercy all that much at first but it definitely grew on me. It's kind of scary sounding in a weird, menacing sort of way and the video matches that sound I think. I picture more girls and drugs when I hear this but you can probably find that in other videos.

    Monday, June 4, 2012

    Adam Sandler Sucks.

    Recently, Kristen Wiig became the Saturday Night Live cast member to leave 30 Rock for greener pastures in Hollywood. It's been a pretty safe bet in the past as everyone from Mike Myers to Will Ferrell has gone on to be ridiculously successful and wealthy. Maybe the biggest success story, however, has been Adam Sandler. And I have no idea why. Compared to guys like Ferrell or even Dana Carvey, Sandler is a talentless bum. His goofy voices were funny when I was 13 but looking back now, Billy Madison (his "best" movie I guess) isn't even that great. Take a look at this asshole's IMDB. It reads like your annoying cousin's dvd collection (that's because it is). Alongside ok when you're high as shit movies like Happy Gilmore and Waterboy are affronts to humanity like Mr Deeds, Just Go With It, Click and Lil Nicky. And those are his better movies of the past decade. Let's spare ourselves by not spending too much time dwelling on Grown ups and (Dear God) Jack and Jill. We should just ignore these films ever existed. I'd rather swallow poison than watch Adam Sandler in drag. He also somehow managed to turn a movie starring Chris Rock and Salma Hayek's boobs into an unwatchable mess. The team of Sandler and Kevin James is the most deadly combination since lack of sleep and bath salts. Just how did Sandler become A-list?

    I'll admit I used to enjoy his goofy songs on SNL, as well as some of his characters from his comedy albums that Bottle had on scratched up CD's in his parent's house. Billy Madison couldn't prepare us for the eventual juggernaut that he would become, forming his own production company to wreak havoc on the world with such turds as Paul Blart Mall Cop, and the miserable Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. But he's not a comedian who fell from grace or lost his edge like Eddie Murphy (or at the rate he's going) Chris Rock even. He's never really been anything more than a guy who makes funny voices. He appeals to the lowest denominator, which also happens to be the highest percentage of ticket buying Americans. Occasionally, Sandler's shown some promise in roles where he tried to stretch a little (Punch Drunk Love, uh, that's it) but he'll always come back to his bread and butter: really, really dumb movies aimed at 13 year olds or chick flicks with Drew Barrymore. If you go by box office receipts, he's the king of comedy. If you go by actually, ya know, laughing, though, he's as funny as a plane crash (and not the funny kind). But, as long as people keep buying tickets, Sandler will keep putting out the crap (the same crap that he parodied in the very unfunny Funny People). Father's Day weekend, you can watch Sandler in an R rated comedy for the first time in a while alongside an embarrassed Andy Samberg (who also just left SNL) in That's My Boy, a movie that looks so bad it will probably make more money than the Avengers. So enjoy it, America. You asked for it.

    Saturday, June 2, 2012

    The End is Near!

    The Mayans were right. 2012 will be the end of the world. How do I know? Besides the awful movie with John Cusack that was made a couple years ago, take a look at the following signs.

    1. Earthquakes in Italy.
    2. After a strong start to the year, the stock market has cratered the last two months. Who needs money anyway when we will be bartering liquor and food in the near future?
    3. Flesh eating zombies make their first appearance. The guy on the left ate the guy on the right's face.
    4. A Mets pitcher finally throws a no hitter. After 51 years in existence and many near misses and 17 former Mets pitchers pitching no hitters, Santana finally does the deed.