Monday, June 4, 2012

Adam Sandler Sucks.

Recently, Kristen Wiig became the Saturday Night Live cast member to leave 30 Rock for greener pastures in Hollywood. It's been a pretty safe bet in the past as everyone from Mike Myers to Will Ferrell has gone on to be ridiculously successful and wealthy. Maybe the biggest success story, however, has been Adam Sandler. And I have no idea why. Compared to guys like Ferrell or even Dana Carvey, Sandler is a talentless bum. His goofy voices were funny when I was 13 but looking back now, Billy Madison (his "best" movie I guess) isn't even that great. Take a look at this asshole's IMDB. It reads like your annoying cousin's dvd collection (that's because it is). Alongside ok when you're high as shit movies like Happy Gilmore and Waterboy are affronts to humanity like Mr Deeds, Just Go With It, Click and Lil Nicky. And those are his better movies of the past decade. Let's spare ourselves by not spending too much time dwelling on Grown ups and (Dear God) Jack and Jill. We should just ignore these films ever existed. I'd rather swallow poison than watch Adam Sandler in drag. He also somehow managed to turn a movie starring Chris Rock and Salma Hayek's boobs into an unwatchable mess. The team of Sandler and Kevin James is the most deadly combination since lack of sleep and bath salts. Just how did Sandler become A-list?

I'll admit I used to enjoy his goofy songs on SNL, as well as some of his characters from his comedy albums that Bottle had on scratched up CD's in his parent's house. Billy Madison couldn't prepare us for the eventual juggernaut that he would become, forming his own production company to wreak havoc on the world with such turds as Paul Blart Mall Cop, and the miserable Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. But he's not a comedian who fell from grace or lost his edge like Eddie Murphy (or at the rate he's going) Chris Rock even. He's never really been anything more than a guy who makes funny voices. He appeals to the lowest denominator, which also happens to be the highest percentage of ticket buying Americans. Occasionally, Sandler's shown some promise in roles where he tried to stretch a little (Punch Drunk Love, uh, that's it) but he'll always come back to his bread and butter: really, really dumb movies aimed at 13 year olds or chick flicks with Drew Barrymore. If you go by box office receipts, he's the king of comedy. If you go by actually, ya know, laughing, though, he's as funny as a plane crash (and not the funny kind). But, as long as people keep buying tickets, Sandler will keep putting out the crap (the same crap that he parodied in the very unfunny Funny People). Father's Day weekend, you can watch Sandler in an R rated comedy for the first time in a while alongside an embarrassed Andy Samberg (who also just left SNL) in That's My Boy, a movie that looks so bad it will probably make more money than the Avengers. So enjoy it, America. You asked for it.

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