Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A PTU Tribute To Sriracha Sauce

I've long been a fan of the Sriracha sauce pictured above (apparently there are actually different kinds) but recently I've been spreading the gospel. If you haven't tried the sauce contained in the bottle above and you don't have bleeding ulcers, you need to find a bottle right away. Don't be deterred by the fact that this is sometimes referred to as "cock sauce", it tastes good trust me.

BORING HISTORY: The sauce is derived from a recipe that originated in the Thai Coastal city of Si Racha, hence the name. The Thai versions of the sauce are typically different from the cock sauce we know and love in the U.S., with a typical profile that is sweeter, tangier, and thinner. The cock sauce formula shown above was created by David Tran, founder of Huy Fong Foods in China.

More importantly, this sauce can make anything taste good. In particular if you are pretending to be healthy and eat boring egg whites in the morning, there is nothing better than applying heaping amounts of this sauce to add some heat and flavor (just be careful how much you add if you want to enjoy your 11am trip to the bathroom). As Motown Marxist pointed out via the blog, cock sauce is also really great at making crappy take-out Chinese food full of fatty meat pieces taste somewhat edible.

With this post, PTU names Sriracha Sauce the OFFICIAL SAUCE OF PTU! I'm not sure what that gets them, but I think we just wanted to express our love for this sauce.

Fights I would love to see

I just finished watching Skip Bayless on ESPN, and of course watching him made me angry.This post is a manifestation  of my anger.

5. First fight I would love to see is Bear vs Shark
Both of these animals dominate their prospective territories. The Shark rules the ocean, the Bear rules the forest. The best place for these two animals to have this epic showdown would be in outer space

Outcome: Who cares? Its a bear vs a shark in outer space I would be f'ing awesome.

4.Pete Rose vs Thurman Munson

I never saw Pete Rose or Thurman Munson play, but the highlight of Pete Rose destroying Ray Fosse in the 1970 All-Star game and ending his career ,made me wish that there was a catcher out there that Rose should fight. Munson should be that man to fight for the honor of all catchers out there. Outcome: Munson just overpowers Rose, but Rose secretly wagers a million on himself losing hence why Munson just destroys him.

3. Mike Tyson vs Lyle Alzado

Two men on two different types of crazy. Alzado fueled by Roids, Tyson fueled by his personal demons. Whatever venue hold this match would just explode. Outcome: This match would most likely end both Tyson and Alzado killing each other.

2. Bruce Lee vs .Royce Gracie
Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris who is the modern day version of bad ass, Royce Gracie beat everybody and everything in every weight class when the UFC first started out. He may have not put it on the map but he gave it a face. When I saw him beat boxers, 400lb guys, and basically everything they threw at him I often wondered how bad Bruce Lee would have beaten him. Bruce Lee is legendary and basically "Unreal Bro". Without Bruce Lee there would be no Royce Gracie, Jackie Chan, or any other Martial Artist you enjoy watching. Outcome Bruce Lee distracts Royce with his yells and just plainly knocks him out.

1. Skip Bayless vs Stephen A. Smith in a steel cage.
First of all I feel like these two have already fought , at some point off camera these guys must have tried to kill each other.
Skip Bayless is paid to make me and everybody else angry, he is a paid to hate, could be the worst kind of hater since he most likely doesn't believe half of the things that come out of his mouth. Stephen on the other hand must be paid by the volume of his voice, I never seen a person scream or raise his voice for no reason like he does. Unfortunately the type of spin that these two provide is entertaining hence why they are paid and on tv, but please ESPN when you are done using these clowns nothing would make me happier then seeing these two try to kill each other in a steel cage Outcome: Skip Bayless most likely has no heart, Stephan probably has too much of it. Stephen dominates Bayless in what would be the most entertaining fight that I would love to see.

These are the fights I would pay and love to see, got a better match up? Please let me know with your comments

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

ESPN's NBA Countdown Crew Is The Worst

Despite the ugly play, thuggish players, and general bad feelings that it tends to generate, PTU loves the NBA. We can't get enough. Unfortunately, that means we also have to sit through the television equivalent of the special ed class putting on a school play. ESPN's game analysts and play by play guys are just ok. Van Gundy kisses LeBron's ass like he's Maverick Carter, and Doris Burke's husky tones are a little off putting, but for the most part none of them are Tom Tolbert annoying. But if you stick around after the second quarter buzzer or decide to check out what's going on in the locker rooms pre game, you're in for a train wreck of epic proportions. Whose idea was it to not have any people with actual television experience host this garbage? Stuart Scott pops up for the Finals coverage ("oh yeah this one guy you might have heard of, uh, his name is LeBron James. Kid might be a decent player one day") but up until then you get this cast of characters:

  • Magic Johnson: Hall of famer who probably can't spell HIV

  • Michael Wilbon: Annoying Chicago journalist who is only tolerable on PTI because he's paired up with a whiny, loudmouth Jewish Stephen A Smith.

  • Jon Barry: A guy whose broadcasting abilities pale in comparison to his storied athletic career

  • Chris Broussard: An albino shit-head with a lot of "sources" but the analysis abilities of a 4th grade girl.

These guys usually throw around some bullshit analysis like "Dwyane Wade and LeBron James are the best duo in the open court" or "These Celtics know how to win" or something similarly boring. Their constant star sucking off is annoying but things really take a turn for the worse when these clowns try to narrate highlights. Hoo boy, is this a hoot. Listening to Magic Johnson trying to read off a teleprompter while trying to sound natural is something to behold. You can practically smell his brain beginning to explode with each attempt to pronounce "Sefolosha". Actually just the words "free throw" sound like he's reading Chinese for the first time. The aforementioned Wilbon gives his Lupica lite moralizing, all the while retaining his Chicago homer card, and Jon Barry takes every chance he can get to criticize the stars who are much, much, much better players than he ever was. His brother Brent does a less annoying job in the minor leagues on NBA TV. Then you have Chris Broussard. At some point ESPN decided to just give any guy who's ever written a column on their own position in front of the camera, if not their own half hour show. The Sports Reporters was one thing, but now we're forced to watch idiots who were print journalists for a reason moving their mouths on television. I never thought I'd miss Stuart Scott's faux ghetto Drake quoting and corny jokes but at least he can read a teleprompter. Broussard serves one purpose at the Worldwide leader, and that's reading text messages he recieves from free agent players' agents. Why is he pretending to be a basketball expert? The Inside the NBA crew might be goofy but at least TNT's guys make sense sometimes and they have the one professional in Ernie Johnson to keep the peace. Somebody please get Trey Wingo on the phone or someone. Watching this is almost as tortuous as having to pick between Boston and Miami to win the East.

Friday, May 25, 2012

This Date in PTU History: The Dunk

I had a lot of posters on my childhood bedroom's wall as I'm sure you all did. One was a free poster of Greg Anthony in Reebok pumps and jeans that was given out at MSG his rookie season, another was Barry Bonds hitting a home run pre-steroids (my father is inexplicably still a Giants fan even though they abandoned him when he was 5). I also strangely had 2 Barkley posters even though I never even really liked him that much (one is a play on Phoenix entitled Desert Storm, get it? and the other is the awesome Godzilla vs Barkley poster), and one was Raphael, but the very best poster I had was The Dunk. All Knicks fans know what dunk I'm talking about. The pinnacle of John Starks' life. The coronation of Starks as bag boy turned basketball hero. The Knicks were ahead by 3 at the time, looking to put a stranglehold on the hated Bulls. Starks held the ball above the three point line on the ride side and waited for Ewing to come out and set a screen on the ever annoying BJ Armstrong and his mouth guard. The Knicks ran this play 75% of the time (their other play was dumping it directly to Ewing in the post) so of course the Bulls knew it was coming. Armstrong braced himself for the pick, but Starks seeing BJ's shift went away from the screen (something Kobe and Wade do a lot today) and drove baseline. Horace Grant and ex Knick Bill Cartwright went to meet Starks at the rim, but he exploded over them and threw it down with his off hand. The dunk has taken on a mythical quality, with most fans remembering it as bigger than it was. If you took an informal poll at the Village Pourhouse tonight of people in their late 20s or 30s who identify as Knicks fans you'd hear a lot of things that are less than true, such as: the Knicks were down by 1 and the dunk won the game, the dunk came at the buzzer or with less than 10 seconds left, the dunk happened in game 7, and the biggest lie that has been associated with The Dunk, it happened over Jordan. In reality, Jordan was barely in the play, but he happened to make his way into that poster that hung on my bedroom door so why not throw him in the story. It also made it easy for hacks like Lupica to write how "this wasn't just Starks dunking on one player, but the entire Bulls team and the entire state of Illinois, lifting our spirits and hearts, etc". A lot of times people say it seems like just yesterday but, shit, this really does feel like a hundred years ago.

The date was May 25th (today's date) 1993. Wu Tang had just released their first album, Jurassic Park would come out in two months , M@d $cientist was still in high school and the Knicks were 2 games up on the world champion Bulls. There wasn't any Facebook or Twitter back then (most people didn't even have computers yet) so the reaction was limited to phone calls to your friends and high fives in the cafeteria the next day. Most Garden historians and people who have been covering the Knicks for decades say it was the loudest the arena has ever been, and the only close second would be L.J.'s 4 point play. The ground literally shakes when 20,000 people all jump up and down at the same time. It must have been ridiculous to be there. We know what happened from there. The Bulls would win the next two games, including a 52 point game by Jordan on Memorial Day rebounding from 3 sub par games, Charles Smith would miss 4 shots from close range and the Knicks would never beat Jordan's Bulls or win a championship. Starks now works for the Knicks in some made up title like community relations guru or something, the Bulls would win another 4 titles and Jurassic Park made a ton of money. My poster didn't last the trip from my dorm room but Knicks fans will always remember the one day when we got one up on Jordan and the Bulls, John Starks was a hero and we were primed to win the first championship in 20 years. What fools we all were.

Enjoy your Memorial Day, everyone!

Western Conference Finals Preview: These Aren't your Father's Spurs

The NBA playoffs have been slogging along, and while we may have had a severe lack of drama, buzzer beaters, exciting offense, and generally competent basketball we have had a lot of....defense? I guess. Well, if you're still watching hoops this Spring and haven't instead started watching hockey or Storage Wars or something, we should be gearing up for a decent conference finals. Other than the 8th seeded Sixers lucking into a second round matchup with the elderly Celtics, things have gone boringly according to plan. Last year, the Mavericks surprised everyone by stomping through the playoffs and the Grizzlies were an even more surprising 8th seed, but this year everything's gone according to plan. Thankfully for us, though, that means the 4 best remaining teams in the East and West will most likely be battling it out in the league's Final Four, as it should always be really.

The Spurs and Thunder don't tip off until Sunday, but I can tell you now that this will be the best series of the 2012 playoffs thus far. And that's weird for me to say since I've been conditioned to thoroughly hate and be bored by every San Antonio Spurs playoff series since Tim Duncan was drafted (with the exception of the 99 Finals since I was far too invested to be bored). The Spurs are boring is a trope of the playoffs as ingrained as "a series doesn't start until a home team loses" or "the winner of game 1 always wins the series" or "That new show on TBS is going to blow". But now the Spurs are actually a high scoring team, and almost fun to watch. Poppovich continues to prove his COTY worthiness by getting guys like Kawhi Leonard, Danny Green and even Stephen Jackson to play winning ball. I'm not as in love with them as Bill Simmons but I wouldn't be surprised if they win the whole damn thing this year.

The Thunder, on the other hand, are no surprise to anyone. I think we all knew they would be a great team and fun to watch by now. They have probably the best player in the league, a dynamic point/shooting guard, the best bench player, maybe the best defender. They're stacked. The Lakers learned this last series, losing in a quick 5 games (although 2 of those were choked away by L.A.) but the Spurs should be a tougher challenge for the ThunderS. The matchups here are mostly favorable towards OKC, you would think, but the ThunderS have shown they can occasionally go through jump shooting droughts and Westbrook is liable to throw up a JR Smith like shooting outing at any time. The Spurs are disciplined veterans who never lose their cool. Will the freakish athleticism and college like crowd push OKC to a series victory? I say yes. As great as the Spurs are playing, I think this is Durant's turn this year and the young legs of the Thunders will carry them to victory over the old Spurs, regardless of how much their style of play has been beautified. It will be close, hard fought, and compelling, full of clutch shots and precision offense. Basically the opposite of what we've seen from the 2012 playoffs. So enjoy it, America. After 2 rounds of the Sixers, Pacers, Grizzlies, missed shots and scores in the 70s, You've earned it.

Thunders in 7.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Miami Heat I can fix all your problems (See Below)

Do you have under performing super stars?
Do these super stars fight with their current coach?
Are these players unmotivated ?

Well have I got the answer for you......
See Below

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Every Man in Hollywood is Gay

The tabloids and blogs have had a field day these past two weeks over some new "Travolta is gay" accusations that have since been refuted and charges dropped but where there's smoke there's fire and all that. It's still scandalous and shocking for most people. Well, not as much that he's gay as he sexually harassed some masseuses, but the fact that Travolta is gay doesn't really surprise anyone. He's been dogged by the rumors since Saturday Night Fever, and to be honest it's much more surprising that so many male actors in Hollywood are supposed to be heterosexual. As forward thinking and liberal as tinsel town is thought to be, it still has a lot of old school ingrained thinking. Namely, that gay actors will never be able to lead a movie in though 80% of the people working behind the scenes are gay. And they're probably right. As Hater J rightfully pointed out, the old James Dean "Guys want to be like him, girls want to be with him" adage wouldn't apply if James Dean was shacking up with Errol Flynn or something. How is it possible, though, that every theatre major you knew growing up, and almost every guy who acted in plays in high school is openly gay, but professional actors are all straight as an arrow? Are the gay actors not good enough? Do they all suddenly stop being gay once they graduate from Oberlin and get married? No way. Even allowing for some deviations, you have to imagine that 50% of the big name actors today are gay or in the very least bi. In 2012, acting is thought of as sort of gay, so imagine when most of your favorite actors decided to pick up the craft. That we don't hear more scandalous stories involving felt up masseuses is amazing. Besides the occasional "down low" rumor on Gawker every now and then, you'd probably think that the Screen Actors Guild is straighter than the NRA. Why haven't more actors come out as gay since they all campaign for gay rights? It all comes down to money, and being a bankable star. As much as movie stars like to portray themselves as "artistes", they're in it for the dough just like you or I would be. Just look at how many serious actors only do commercials overseas. What they're really worried about is their image as "movie stars" in America, personal integrity be damned. If they can get a million yen to promote a Japanese grape soda and (most) Americans won't see it, sign Leonardo DiCaprio up! He's all in. Why not keep your personal life in the closet then in exchange for courtside Lakers seats and more money than he could ever spend on beat up beat up baseball caps? The only guys who are openly gay fall into one of two categories: flamboyant Nathan Lane types or British. Where's everyone else?

Now contrary to the title of this post, I'm not really trying to imply that everyone of your favorite actors is gay. But in this day and age where the President of the United States and even Jay-Z can come out in support of gay rights, isn't it a little strange that there aren't more openly gay Americans in a profession that, frankly, attracts a lot of gay men? I guess only their masseuses know for sure.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

LeBron James Is No MVP

LeBron James is not the 2011-2012 MVP.  In a physically taxing, strike shortened season, he managed an impressive 27 points, 8 boards, and 6 assists a night while pitching in nearly 38 minutes.  Those are fantastic numbers, but the MVP award should not be given solely on someone’s statistical achievements.  It is not as simple as a scoring title; there are intangible dimensions, like leadership, that should be considered.

Could you imagine a world where Robert Parish was quoted as saying that Kevin McHale should be the closer and K.C. Jones affirmed that at the start of the season, but Bird still won MVP?  Or how about Michael Jordan hoisting up another MVP award in a season where he gladly floated around the three point line, detached from the offense every close game, and just let Scottie finish up fourth quarters?  MVP awards provide a snapshot of what happened on the court in addition to what happened on the stats sheet. 

The 2011-2012 MVP voters had an opportunity to send a message to basket ball fans 30 years from now.  A message that said, “Numbers show that LBJ had a freak year, but he wasn’t the MVP.  He wasn’t the emotional leader of his team.  He wasn’t the closer on his team.  To boot, not one person on his team regarded him as such.”

A much better argument could be made for Chris Paul.  CP3 dropped 20 a night and added 9 dimes and just shy of three steals.  Anyone who stayed up late to watch “Lob City” saw how he meant everything to that team’s success.  Despite a terrible coach, Paul led a crew of swingmen to a 22% increase in win percentage by directing every bit of traffic on offense and defense.  Getting guys involved when they needed to be and taking over when he had to.  There is a reason why with 2 minutes left in a 5 point game, most NBA fans just feel Paul is going to win his squad the game, and most wonder if LeBron will even be noticeable.  That’s an argument no one will understand 30 years from now.  Thanks, MVP voters.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Knicks 2012 Year In Review: The Craziest Season Ever

Well, that was certainly something else. Now that we have a chance to catch our breath and reflect a little on this clusterfuck of an abbreviated Knicks season, it really sinks in just how crazy it all was. Every season in New York is wild, but I've never seen one that was basically four mini seasons. These past two seasons are the first seasons that the Knicks were competitive during the era of the social networks, and every game took on almost an NFL Sunday type "every game counts" feeling, heightened by the condensed schedule. Let's look back at this season month by month.


The NBA lockout mercifully comes to an end thanksgiving weekend, much to the delight of myself and millions of black people. A short training camp and really short preseason is announced.

Fan base- Mildly excited


The Knicks win an up and down Christmas matinee at home against the Paul Pierceless Celtics. Carmelo almost singlehandedly brings the team back and hits the game winning free throws on a questionable call. I give up on the team during a third quarter run by the Celtics and play Xbox. Iman Shumpert tweaks his knee in a harbinger of things to come.

Fanbase- excited.


The Knicks limp to a listless, miserable start characterized by awful back to back home losses to the Raptors and the Bobcats (who would eventually go on to have the worst winning percentage in NBA history). Mid-month, the Knicks decide not to release seldom used point guard Jeremy Lin. The Harvard grad Asian-American plays a few productive minutes in a loss at Houston. He'll be heard from again.

Fanbase- near suicidal


Lin plays a couple unproductive minutes in a loss at Boston. The next night (the third of a back to back to back) Mike D'Antoni grasping at straws decides to give Lin a shot. Hey, nothing else has worked to this point. He immediately takes over the Garden with an array of three point plays and jumpers. Someone should come up with a hashtag for this phenomenon. Two days later, lightning strikes again as Lin dominates Devin Harris and the Jazz, including a ridiculous three point buzzer beater and the Knicks win despite Carmelo pulling up lame on an alley oop pass. And so Linsanity is born. Before it's over, the Knicks will win 6 games in a row (including a Friday night game against Kobe), Mike D'Antoni's job is saved (for now), Amare's brother will die, Amar'e will tattoo a tear drop, everyone will think Carmelo is the worst thing since AIDS, an ESPN headline writer will be fired and the NBA has about 2 billion more fans. Boneheaded perp JR Smith will sign with the team after he is released from China and immediately becomes a more erratic, dumber John Starks. Little used journey man Steve Novak also becomes a fan favorite. The players go from reviled by the fans to beloved. Even Jared Jeffries gets routinely cheered by the Garden crowd. On February 20th, Carmelo returns and the Knicks predictably lay an egg at home against a fired up Deron Williams. The Knicks will then go on to alternate wins and losses for the last week of the season. Change is coming again....

Fanbase- Deliriously excited and exhausted. Also a little confused.


The Knicks lose 7 in a row. Knicks fans and the media want blood. Carmelo Anthony is fingered as the culprit for the death of Linsanity. His boogie woogie style and negro gyrating and isolation plays have sapped the joy out of the world's most famous arena. After another loss to the Bulls, D'Antoni resigns. Knicks fans rejoice and in Mike Woodson's first game the Knicks beat the even more dysfunctional Blazers by a million points. Woodsanity is born. Lin hurts his knee in a blowout win against the Pistons, the severity of which would be of some controversy. At first, it was said to only be a strain that would cost him a couple games. But, before a Saturday night game against the Cavs, the team announces that Lin will have surgery and will most likely be out for the season. The timing of this announcement is a little fishy, as it came right after the deadline for season tickets to be purchased. Hmm. Anyway, the Knicks go on to win 10 of their first 12 under Woodson to finish the month with a winning record despite another injury suffered by Amar'e.

Fanbase- Back to delirious excitement


The Knickerbockers kick off the month by blowing a huge lead at Indiana. Panic begins to set in amongst the fan base. The panic is tempered by a dominating win at the dysfunctional Magic, followed by the game of year. Melo scores 41 against the Bulls, including the game tying and winning three pointers. Three night later, the Knicks beat the annoying Bucks in what was up to that point the biggest game of the season. Amar'e returns in a game against Cleveland and the Knicks promptly get blown out by the terrible Cavs (a game that would come back to haunt them). Electing not to rest his players and tank the season, Woodson leads the Knicks to a 36-30 record. One game better than the 8th spot, and one worse than the 6th. This means that if the Knicks had lost one of those games during the Linsanity or Woodsanity streak that they usually wouldn't have won, or won the stupid game at Cleveland or vs Toronto, Charlotte or New Orleans, they would have faced either the hurting Bulls or mediocre Pacers. Instead, they end up with the worst possible matchup- the hated Miami Heat.

Fan Base- Cautiously Optimistic


The Knicks have a disastrous first game in Miami. They're dominated in nearly every facet of the game, Melo sucks, Shumpert tears his ACL and LeBron acts like a bitch. The second game is better, but they still lose by double figures. Amar'e open hands the glass case holding a fire extinguisher, injuring his hand and creating a lot of funny photoshops. PTU creates a new column in his honor. Tyson Chandler is named defensive player of the year. Hater J and Johnny Bagels grossly overpay for two tickets to game 3 at the Garden in hopes of seeing one of the all time great moments of glorious New York sports history, but instead witness the Knicks fall behind 3-0. To make matters worse, they sit in front of the world's most annoying Miami Heat fan (and that's saying something). The Knicks bounce back in game 4, behind a gutsy performance from Stoudemire and some big shots from Carmelo, breaking their 11 year drought. Baron Davis endures one of the most gruesome knee injuries in history. It all ends Wednesday night in Miami, however, as the Knicks go quietly into the night.

Fan base- frustrated, yet strangely content.

In summary, that's two coaches, 4 starting point guards, a bonafide worldwide phenomenon, Melo booed, the defensive player of the year, Novakane, Melo cheered, fire extinguishers, aaaaashooole, and finally defeat. The craziest, most up and down season in Knicks history.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Top 5 Crackhead Athletes

To quote another Dave Chappelle character, Cocaine is one helluva drug. And so is crack (or so I've heard). We all know that crack is wack, but some of our greatest athletes have enjoyed a toke off the pipe from time to time. In every case, it no doubt affected their careers and lives negatively but who are we to judge? We all have our addictions that are slowly killing us; smoking, sex, Indian food. Whatever your poison is, none of us could play at half of the level that these guys did sober as a judge, never mind while battling substance abuse. Craaaack.

5) Shawn Kemp

As far as I know, Shawn only dabbled in cocaine and not in it's poorer cousin, but we had to have at least one basketball player on this list. Imagine if the Reign man had played in today's NBA, with his ridiculous highlights and with Twitter and YouTube. He probably would be married to Lady Gaga right now or something. Instead, he developed a "booger sugar" habit, got as fat as Betty Draper and had a million babies. That's probably better than being married to Lady Gaga I guess.

4) Josh Hamilton

The man known as "The Natural" because of his seemingly innate ability to hit a baseball really far and he's White, is tearing up the majors these days, most notably with his ridiculous 4 home run, 18 RBI game last night against the O's. What if's are dangerous, but what if he'd spent his early twenties as a productive player instead of sucking the glass pipe and stealing chicken fingers or whatever it was he was doing. He'd probably finish his career with 900 home runs and go down as the greatest player ever. Even so, he's still well on his way to the HOF, but we'll never know.

3) Darryl Strawberry

Despite his own battle with the rock, Darryl was available to resurrect his career with the other New York baseball team. Before winning a Series with the Yanks, though, Strawberry was one of the brightest young stars in the game with the Mets. His career took many different turns including cancer, but it's a toss up between his crack head status or his NY playing career being his lasting legacy. Either way, Daaaaarylllll is another sad case of wasted talent.

2) Doc Gooden

I could have probably just made this list "THE 1986 NEW YORK METS" and been done with it, but that would be boring. Gary Sheffield's cousin was one of the fastest rising phenoms in sports history (look at his numbers, he had more complete games his rookie season than an entire roster would today), yet also had his career derailed by blow and it's many forms. Eventually, he'd also find his way to redemption with the Yankees before messing up his life a couple more times. Now, he seems sober, I guess, and recently made the talk show circuit with his book about his wild days (including the story of how he was doing lines in a Long Island housing project during the Mets' victory parade).

1) Lawrence Taylor

If we just did a list of the top 5 greatest New York athletes of all time period, L.T. might top the list, which makes it all the more impressive that he could also top this list of crack heads. Of all the sports, I would think football would lend itself most to the crack head lifestyle. You take a couple hits before kickoff and run around like a maniac, ready to rip the heads off of your opponent. I'm surprised more players haven't tried some crack before games. At the very least, it would ease the pain of having a 350 pound man jam his helmet into your shoulder blade. L.T. lived fast, with lots of drugs and hookers, and he's still around to tell the tales as well as have sex with hookers. Lawrence Taylor, the number one crackhead athlete of all time.

Have a drug problem , check out this book

Monday, May 7, 2012

Knicks Finally End the Losing Streak

The nightmare is finally over. The Knicks have broken their ridiculous playoff win drought and have also avoided being swept for the second straight season. Yes, they're only delaying the inevitable but not even rooting for your team because you "know" they're going to lose is for pussies and Jets fans. For one day the Knicks can say they are winners thanks to dominating play by Carmelo and surprisingly effective play by that dumbass Amar'e, (who I now take back everything I've ever said about). It almost ended as one of the most heartbreaking losses in Knicks history, and would have made Amar'e and in particular Carmelo the goat instead of the GOAT that he wants to be, but thankfully D Wade's rushed three pointer was off the mark. So what does this mean for the franchise? Nothing and everything. It means almost nothing as to the series outcome. I fully expect the Heat to slam the door shut in Miami on Wednesday, but it means a whole lot for the franchise and it's players. As sad as it sounds for the expectations of the fans and the front office, one win means Mike Woodson will almost certainly be given the full time gig, it means Amar'e's reputation will probably survive the "extinguisher" with a solid, gutsy performance. So will Carmelo's reputation (barring a complete no show in the next game). If Wade's shot goes in, we'd all be talking about his 1 out of 3 from the line in the last minute rather than his 41 points that saved the season.

Most of all, though, one win means Knicks fans finally got to see a playoff win for the first time since before LeBron had his prom, before Blacky had lost his virginity, even before Facebook existed. Shit, Myspace wasn't even a thing yet. In the grand scheme of the NBA playoffs, one measly victory means almost nothing. But we beleaguered Knicks fans will take whatever we can get, until this series ends and we can go back to being complaining, miserable human beings again. Before, the only bright spot of this week had been shouting "AAAAAASHOOOOOLLEEE" at the top of our lungs at LeBron. It's been 11 years since Sprewell, Camby, Childs and the rest won a game. That's 11 years of Marbury, Isiah, Curry, and an army of sucky players sapped the energy from the fan base. That's the difference between lost in 5, and being swept on your own homecourt. One win is enough for now.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Top 6 Samuel L. Jackson Cameos

You probably heard there's a movie coming out on Friday called The Avengers. It's the culmination of basically every Marvel superhero movie that's come out in the past 4 or 5 years. It's going to be awesome and make 8 zillion dollars in it's first weekend. You're going to talk about it this weekend with someone guaranteed even if you're just saying "ehh I don't know, Thor was pretty lame, I don't think I'm going to see it". But you will talk about it. And we don't know if it'll be really cool like the first Iron Man, or not so great like I heard Thor was, but I'll definitely think about it in between the mass of sporting events this weekend. One thing we do know about it is it will feature Samuel L. Jackson as black Nick Fury, a guy who already cameoed in the other Marvel movies leading up to this. Sam's made like 38 thousand movies, and maybe 10 of them have been really good, but he is the master of the memorable cameo, popping up in all sorts of movies for a few minutes and then either disappearing or dying. What were his top 6 motherfuckin cameos? (6 because I couldn't settle on 5).

6) Kill Bill

Sam's a Tarantino favorite, along with Michael Madsen and Uma Thurman's feet. He's starred in or cameoed in almost every flick that Q.T. has directed (including an uncredited voiceover in Inglorious Basterds). In this one, he just pops up for a second playing the guitar, but it was a welcome surprise.

5) Coming to America
Sam is so awesome in this as a deranged stick up man who attempts to rob McDowell's. This performance falls into his early crackhead stage, which was also on display in Jungle Fever. He is eventually taken down by Akeem and Semi and called a rhinoceros pizzle or something but not before turning in one of his most ripping cameos.

4)Iron Man

The Avengers was still years away, but fanboys were first introduced to the idea that there would be a movie at all with Sam's quick cameo at the end of the credits as Nick Fury and millions of comic book geeks lost their friggin' minds.

3) Goodfellas

This might be more than a cameo, I suppose, since he actually has a couple lines and a name, but Stacks was one of those "guy who shows up and promptly dies" characters that I mentioned earlier. Dying in your tighty whiteys after a night with one of your bitches is embarrassing but there are certainly worse ways to go than Joe Pesci pumping 6 shots into your head in slow motion. "You're gonna be late for your own funeral".

2) The Other Guys

This slightly underrated Will Ferrell movie from a couple years ago is great for about an hour and change before devolving into a kind of lame action movie, but until then it's vintage Ferrell. And it also includes one of the best SLJ cameos, although he actually was a large part of the marketing campaign, making his early demise alongside The Rock so funny. "Let's do this".

1) Deep Blue Sea

This movie is pretty forgettable besides LL Cool J's soundtrack song that featured an amazing chorus (DEEPEST! BLUEST! MY HAT IS LIKE A SHARK'S FIN!!!) and Sam's cameo and second straight early demise on this list. After delivering a stirring monologue, he's promptly eaten by a shark. Now that I think of it, I could have made this list top 5 Sam Jackson death scenes, since he dies in almost every movie he's in. Stay tuned for that list coming soon.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Defense for Amare Stoudemire

I have heard about Stoudemire's Dumb Foolery all day and it just got me thinking. He was trying to send a message to his team. The Knicks are down 2-0 to the defending eastern conference champs and as a captain he only took 9 shoots. NINE shots, compared to Mello's 26. I understand that Mello is our best player, but the Knicks need balance on offense and defense. The Heat have 3 amazing players who also play defense, but if they only have to focus on Mello , then its an EMERGENCY! I think this is the point Stoudemire was trying to make by breaking the glass on a fire extinguisher, granted not all went according to plan, the point he tried to get across made him look like a Dumbass, but that is how the media is spinning it. I bet before he smashed that glass he was hooting and hollering about the urgency his team needs now, not in game 4.

Amare I know what you were trying to do, I forgive you and I know the statement you made in that locker room will show in the Knicks next game.

Knicks 90- Heat 89

See you at the garden.

NY Dumbass Hall of Fame: Amar'e Stoudemire

Today's as good a day as any to introduce a new feature at PTU: the New York Dumbass Hall of Fame. New York sports has seen some truly stupid athletes throughout the years, from John Starks to Plaxico to the Mets, but we have to begin with our inaugural inductee: Amar'e "Glass Joe" Stoudemire. As everyone's heard, he followed up last night's invisible performance vs Miami with one of the more idiotic moves in sports history, punching the glass case to a fire extinguisher out of frustration and possibly ending his season. That's next level stupidity, some real Kevin Brown type shit. Does this mean the Knicks season is over? It was probably over already anyway, and it's been proven that Carmelo plays better when Amar'e's not around, so I'm not shedding any tears for his loss. Our 100 million dollar man, however, has now proven that not only does he have a weak body, but his brain is also made out of pudding. Figures that one time the Knicks put up some fight in this series, it's against a fire extinguisher. I actually liked Amar'e last season; he put the team on his back (and in the process probably ran himself into the ground) and brought life back to the Garden for the first time in seemingly ages, but since the arrival of Melo he's been at best a less than complimentary player and at worst an outright liability on the court. There's been thesises written about why Amar'e can't play defense or grab rebounds. Is it because he played for D'Antoni for so long? Did he put on too much muscle? Is it the off the court distractions? Maybe Amar'e just suc'ks at defense. Maybe he's just la'zy. And we all know that he is definitely stu'pid. His corn rows must have been wound too tight, cutting off whatever oxygen he had going to that pea brain of his. And now he's done for the season most likely, but at least we know that he is capable of hitting the glass.

Amar'e, welcome to the PTU NY Dumbass Hall of Fame.