Tuesday, May 29, 2012

ESPN's NBA Countdown Crew Is The Worst

Despite the ugly play, thuggish players, and general bad feelings that it tends to generate, PTU loves the NBA. We can't get enough. Unfortunately, that means we also have to sit through the television equivalent of the special ed class putting on a school play. ESPN's game analysts and play by play guys are just ok. Van Gundy kisses LeBron's ass like he's Maverick Carter, and Doris Burke's husky tones are a little off putting, but for the most part none of them are Tom Tolbert annoying. But if you stick around after the second quarter buzzer or decide to check out what's going on in the locker rooms pre game, you're in for a train wreck of epic proportions. Whose idea was it to not have any people with actual television experience host this garbage? Stuart Scott pops up for the Finals coverage ("oh yeah this one guy you might have heard of, uh, his name is LeBron James. Kid might be a decent player one day") but up until then you get this cast of characters:

  • Magic Johnson: Hall of famer who probably can't spell HIV

  • Michael Wilbon: Annoying Chicago journalist who is only tolerable on PTI because he's paired up with a whiny, loudmouth Jewish Stephen A Smith.

  • Jon Barry: A guy whose broadcasting abilities pale in comparison to his storied athletic career

  • Chris Broussard: An albino shit-head with a lot of "sources" but the analysis abilities of a 4th grade girl.

These guys usually throw around some bullshit analysis like "Dwyane Wade and LeBron James are the best duo in the open court" or "These Celtics know how to win" or something similarly boring. Their constant star sucking off is annoying but things really take a turn for the worse when these clowns try to narrate highlights. Hoo boy, is this a hoot. Listening to Magic Johnson trying to read off a teleprompter while trying to sound natural is something to behold. You can practically smell his brain beginning to explode with each attempt to pronounce "Sefolosha". Actually just the words "free throw" sound like he's reading Chinese for the first time. The aforementioned Wilbon gives his Lupica lite moralizing, all the while retaining his Chicago homer card, and Jon Barry takes every chance he can get to criticize the stars who are much, much, much better players than he ever was. His brother Brent does a less annoying job in the minor leagues on NBA TV. Then you have Chris Broussard. At some point ESPN decided to just give any guy who's ever written a column on ESPN.com their own position in front of the camera, if not their own half hour show. The Sports Reporters was one thing, but now we're forced to watch idiots who were print journalists for a reason moving their mouths on television. I never thought I'd miss Stuart Scott's faux ghetto Drake quoting and corny jokes but at least he can read a teleprompter. Broussard serves one purpose at the Worldwide leader, and that's reading text messages he recieves from free agent players' agents. Why is he pretending to be a basketball expert? The Inside the NBA crew might be goofy but at least TNT's guys make sense sometimes and they have the one professional in Ernie Johnson to keep the peace. Somebody please get Trey Wingo on the phone or someone. Watching this is almost as tortuous as having to pick between Boston and Miami to win the East.

1 comment:

  1. What's going to happen if the Heat meet the Spurs? Will Broussard change his "there is no team that can beat Miami with LeBron and Wade playing this way" to "asking LeBron and Wade to sustain that level of play is too much to ask"