Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Worst Sequels of All Time

If you're like the millions of people who took time out of their busy Memorial Day Weekends to watch the lazy piece of monkey shit that was The Hangover 2 (as I had the misfortune of doing), then you probably spent the next few hours racking your brain as to what sequel was actually worse than that mind numbing cash grab you just wasted 12 bucks on. (My original idea was Top 5 funnier ways to spend your time than watching The Hangover Part 2, but I didn't want to offend the Holocaust Museum by associating them with that movie). Sequels are always just attempts to squeeze more cash out of an existing fan base, but some are more blatant in their laziness than others. There's a reason number 2 is a nickname for shit. What are a few of the worst offenders?

Jaws 2

Most crappy sequels are the result of behind the scenes fuckery involving contractual obligations and other boring legalities. This one was no different, unfortunately for the legacy of the late Roy Scheider who was required by law to be in this stinker.

Halloween 2 and all it's sequels

The first Halloween is a classic for it's low-budget yet still scary as hell charm. As so often happens with sequels, the movies that followed the original got sillier and sillier and basically made anyone forget that there was ever a cool first movie (and don't even get me started on the Rob Zombie reboots). Same could be said for the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

Caddyshack 2

Maybe worse than a complete rehash of the original film is the sequel that can't get any of the original cast to participate. Chevy Chase is the only sucker back in this forgettable sequel, thrust upon the masses 8 years after the original Caddyshack. This was originally written to revolve around Rodney Dangerfield which, I imagine, would have made it a bit more tolerable.

Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World

Remember when Jurassic Park first came out? The animatronic dinosaurs were probably the coolest effect anyone had ever seen. Then a couple years later, this pile of T-Rex dung came out. The rare sequel that doesn't have the absence of the big name director to blame (along with the next movie on the list), the Lost World really went off the rails when it had T-Rex stomping around in suburban back-yards in San Diego. Also, why was Jeff Goldblum's daughter inexplicably black?

Godfather 3

The mother of all shitty sequels that all sequels to follow are judged against. While not a laughably awful movie (like, say Titanic 2 or something) when viewed in comparison to quite possibly the greatest 2 films of all time, it's a truly awful experience. From the death by poison cannoli, to the replacement of Robert Duvall with of all people George Hamilton, to the confusing plot involving killing the Pope (!), it's no wonder Coppola only makes a movie every 10 years and instead has dedicated his life to making wine that your uncle brings to birthday parties. One thing that this movie has in common with Hangover Part 2 is a horrible actor that makes you wonder "who is this person related to/and or banged to get this part?". In GF3's case, Coppola's own daughter put on one of the worst performances in movie history (Corleone with a valley girl accent) before becoming a respected, somewhat annoying director herself. In HO2, it's Brokeback/Crouching Tiger director Ang Lee's son who snuck his way in thanks to daddy's pull. Pacino might as well have been talking about this tacked on sequel when he said "They keep pulling me back in". Madon!

NBA Finals Preview: The Beginning of The End

We're back. I hope everyone had a lazy, BBQ filled weekend without too many annoying friends you didn't want to see or heartburn. Now, it's time for basketball again after what seems like weeks. The couple games every day that are played during the first 3 rounds really become a habit, then suddenly no games for 4 days and I feel like Pookie in New Jack City. "It just keeps calling me". I probably need some new hobbies.

Anyway, tonight finally brings game 1 of the NBA Finals or the beginning of the end for most haters out there. Championship rings have this strange aura about them, able to erase years of bad reputations. LeBron's already half way there since he's morphed into Mr. Clutch this postseason. What about the other guys who will be playing?

Point Guard:
Mike Bibby vs. Jason Kidd
8 years ago, if you would've taken a poll asking which marquee PG would still be leading their teams to finals in 2011, it may have been split between these two guys. Bibby was a young up and comer who had proven to be a clutch shooter with the Kings and Jason was already 30. No matter, Kidd is no longer the speedy passer he was, but is now a wily vet, 3-point shooting floor general and Mike Bibby is filling the requisite 5th player role. They might as well play 4 on 5.
Advantage: Mavs

Shooting Guard:
Dwyane Wade vs. Deshawn Stevenson/Jet Terry

I swear I have to say to myself "Dwhy-ane" every time I write that name. What's the deal, Mrs. Reverend Wade? I know you had a drug problem but damn. Deshawn starts for whatever reason, but Terry is probably Dallas's 2nd best scorer.
Advantage: Dwhy-ane and the Heat.

Small Forward:
LeBron vs. Shawn Marion

Damn, Dallas has a late 90's early 2000s all star team. Me and my brothers used to create teams on NBA Live 98 or whatever it was. If Dallas still had Steve Nash, this Mavs team could have definitely been one of them. I heard the Matrix has a reality show coming out after the season. I'd rather eat nails then watch that.
Advantage: Heat

Power Forward:
Chris Bosh vs. Dirk Nowitzki

Yeah, I guess I should take back all the RuPaul insults, Bosh has been money this spring. But he'll be facing off against the other player who everyone will be watching this series. Many people view this as Dirk's last stand (I'm not totally sure of that) but the way he's been playing, he looks to be on a mission.
Advantage: Mavs

Joel Anthony vs. Tyson Chandler

Tyson's gone from underrated to almost over-rated this playoffs. He does a serviceable job out there though and is 100 times better than Joel. The sarcastic MVP chants from the Miami crowd are actually pretty funny, though.
Advantage: Mavs

This is probably the clearest advantage for Dallas outside of the point guard match-up. Dallas' biggest strength this playoffs has been it's bench. Nicholas brother NBA Live all-star Peja and Terry lead the attack. My guess is Spoelstra will keep at least 2 of the big 3 out there at all times so as not to get too exposed (and that's what he's been doing most of these playoffs anyway) although Haslem and Mike Miller have been a spark lately.
Advantage: Mavs

Spoelstra vs. Rick Carlisle

A chimp could roll the ball out on the floor and coach this Miami squad on offense, but you have to give Spo' some credit for getting the Heat to play defense like they do. Carlisle has much more experience though so he has an edge like Derek Jeter.
Advantage: Mavs

Unbelievably, that leaves the Heat with only 2 clear cut advantages here. Shouldn't conventional sports wisdom tell us that the team concept will win out over those 2 guys? Well, throw your grampy's basketball book out the window, Bron and Wade are finishing what Jordan and then Kobe and Shaq started. It's a superstar league and Miami has twice as many of those as Dallas. To paraphrase a recently passed Gil Scott Heron, "The Revolution Will Be Televised". I'm part of the hater brigade this year (weird to be on the hater side after rooting for the Lakers the past 3 seasons) so I hope that I'm wrong like I have been all playoffs (plus Dallas has been so great as an underdog this playoffs I can't pick against them), but I think the end is near for the hater. Long live the king.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Bulls vs Heat Game 5 Recap: The Slow, Agonizing Death of The Haters

I was all ready to post about Wade having double the amount of turnovers as field goals, and having a picture of Kurt "Crazy Eyes Killah" Thomas up there, and then the Heat decided to ruin everyone's fun.

In a collapse that was equally as shocking as the Thunder's choke job vs. Dallas a couple nights ago, the Bulls totally fell apart and the Heat played about as perfectly as humanly possible. After a Ronnie Brewer three gave Chicago a 12 point lead with a little over 3 minutes left, it seemed to everyone that there would be a must win game 6 for both teams. Game 7 in Chicago Memorial Day evening would be tough for the Heat to pull off. This Heat team is on the verge of choking! Haters rejoice! Can't hold a 3-1 lead without your mommy holding your hand, LeBum?

And then they hit 9 straight shots and won the game.

While this game might be just as indicative of a young team unravelling as games 4 and 5 for the Thunder, what makes this type of win more monumental is the fact that everyone outside of South Beach (all those fools who were celebrating like they won the Super Bowl last night) is rooting against this team. A couple of folks might want to see OKC do well because of Durant or their underdog appeal, but no one really hates the Mavericks. Dirk Nowitzki is the most benign superstar and Jason Kidd might be an asshole off the court, but you'd be hard pressed to find a rabid Kidd hater these days. Dallas makes a comeback and it's a glorious moment that will be a part of playoff lore for years to come. Miami does the same and it feels like the bad guys are winning again. It's exciting for sure, but could a team win in a more agonizing fashion? The Heat were dead and resurrected in the span of 15 real time minutes. Have we reached a point where the haters are almost the victims of bad karma? Could all the anger and hatred directed at LeBron and the Heat all year be backfiring now? Should we just embrace the Heat as the future of professional sports? Probably not, but being a hater never felt so bad.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

1st Annual PTU Hater J Birthday Extravaganza

We talk a lot about athletes being heroes, but next Monday America will celebrate actual heroism, and commemorate the courage that so many of us lack. And it's also Memorial day. Of course, I'm speaking of Hater J's birthday. Since that other holiday is going on at the same time, the PTU forefathers honored this occasion a week early the only way we know how: with copious amounts of beer, football and omelets.

It all started at PTU favorite Hop Devil Grill, which most of the country remembers as the site of one of the most memorable moments in sports: M@d $cientist's record breaking taco eating. Having already shattered the former record for tacos devoured, M@d decided to tackle the second most revered mark in sporting history: Mimosas chugged. The exact number is unknown (the homeless guy we paid to keep count passed out from excitement around the 20s somewhere) but let's just say there may be a shortage of orange juice in the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

After breaking another long thought unbreakable record and polishing off our steak and eggs and Captain Lawrence Liquid Golds we all travelled to Hater J's birth place, the mythical town of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. As most anyone familiar with the tri-state area can tell you, Willy B. has gone from a "keeping it real" Brooklyn neighborhood, split (as so many NY neighborhoods are) between orthodox Jews and mostly Hispanic and Black residents to a hipster artist and yuppie playground. Hater J and many o.g. W'burg people can tell you the love/hate relationship this has created for them; on the one hand the neighborhood has lost most of it's character and many of those who were born there were priced out by condos and other yuppie signifiers, but on the other, crime is down and you can pretty much do anything you please in the street without fear of police harassment. For that reason, Williamsburg makes for a great Sunday afternoon to drink styrofoam cups of beer purchased at Turkey's Nest and walk the streets like you're in some lawless hipster Mad Max world. It's great.

So, styrofoam cups of Coors light in hand, the next phase of the Hater J birthday extravaganza was put into effect: the 1st annual PTU football game. A hush fell over the crowd of assorted amateur rock stars and photographers, Jewish children celebrating their birthdays, and old people sitting on benches as the two teams lined up for what would be an epic match-up of blogging goof balls. Bottle led the attack, firing darts to myself and the chugging king with Favre like precision. The teams battled back and forth before a bone-crunching, teeth shaking birthday boy block (I'm not sure if he or $cientist took more of the punishment) freed up Snoot for a ridiculous Devin Hester like kick off return touchdown. The Jews looked away from their balloon animals, the hipsters put down their American Spirits, and it seemed like this would be the play of the day. That is until, the M@d Mimosa Chugger turned back the clock, diving face first for a one handed, ham string pulling grab that would make Dwight Clark cry like a little girl. Snoot, Mr. D and the rest of the opposing team slunk to the sidelines in disbelief and the First Annual PTU Hater J birthday extravaganza came to a fittingly dramatic close. Oh, and we also ate pretzels.

Until next year, happy birthday Hater J.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Top 5 Simpsons Episodes

The Simpsons is now in it's (Jesus Christ) 22nd season, and we've come to a sad moment in time where the show has been terrible far longer than it was ever good. There's a whole generation of people who probably don't understand why Abe Simpson sounding old folks like myself quote dialogue and swear it used to actually be a great show. "I'm tellin' you whippersnappers, Family Guy stole from the Simpsons, get yer paws off me....". Even if it's difficult to remember, there were actually a few classic television seasons in Springfield. These are my top 5 episodes (maybe not the 5 best episodes, but my personal favorites):

5. "Duffless"-season 4

This episode really hits closer to home now that I can't imagine a life without beer. Baseball really is the most boring game without a beer. "My name is Otto, and I love to get blotto".

4. "Homer Badman"-Season 6

Dennis Franz as Homer is always funny.

3. "Homer's Enemy"- Season 8

Most hard-core Simpsons fans will tell you that the show had already begun to slip at this point (Who Shot Mr. Burns between season 6 and 7 is sometimes thought of as the "jump the shark" moment), but this controversial episode is one of my favorites. A main character dies every episode of South Park, and Family Guy pretty much slaughters entire countries each season, but in 1997 when this first aired, an animated prime time television show ending with a character's casket being lowered into the ground amidst an entire town laughing was pretty unheard of.

2. "Homer at the Bat"- Season 3

The best baseball related comedy this side of The Naked Gun, this episode has it all: An all-star lineup of guest MLB voices, Mr. Burns doing his best Steinbrenner (you heard me, hippy), and of course, Talkin' Softball.

1. "Last Exit to Springfield"-Season 4

This is my favorite episode, and this one about Homer becoming president of the union and then leading a strike at the power plant might just be the Best Simpsons Episode Ever. Every time I watch it I remember how many classic lines and bits are in it: Lisa needs braces/dental plan, "first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head", "The blurst of times", "I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style of the time" and on and on. Plus, Homer spinning on the ground making the Three Stooges noise will never not make me laugh.

Honorable mention: "A Star is Burns" from season 6 mostly for "I was saying Boo-urns" and Barney's short film.

If you Simpsons nerds have other favorites, let it be known.

Going Gaga

Trendy tunes aside, this whole trend of wearing a garbage bag in the shape of a duck is testing my nerves.

Where did you go to fashion school, Lady Gaga?

Who gave you a license to plagiarize, Nikki Minaj?

Even when Madonna rode in on her mighty steed from Michigan with a bad men’s haircut, 2 bucks, and shoulder pads, it was annoying.

I mean, I get it. You want to express yourself. But why should your self expression interfere with my blood pressure? In other words: I’m entitled to my opinion, and here it is: Stop wearing garbage claiming it is Art. It is not Art, it is Triteness. Albeit opportunistic, it’s the furthest thing from creativity that I’ve seen since Milli Vanilli.

Allow me to detract a moment from fashion and creativity (not so much the later) to talk about how Pop stars, in particular self described creative and strong women, use the gay community to their benefit.

The gay community has traditionally been loaded with creative and strong willed people. It has also generally been an oppressed minority throughout history. My take is that this very community is tapped by the likes of Cher, Madonna, Lady Gaga, etc. for their creative know-how. Heck, it even provides a scapegoat for when things go bad – a network of outcast you can turn to for support when the shit hits the fan, rather when your hits turn to shit and your fans flock to buy next big thing. And the gay community is more than willing to accept these types among there ranks to bring awareness and notoriety to their (sometimes) out-casted club.
I’m no RuPaul, but even I know when the gay community is being exploited in these situations. LIKE RuPaul though ~I gotta WORK~. PEACE! M-M out…

Bulls vs Heat Game 4 Recap: MIke Miller and The Heat Get The Monkey Off Their Back and Heat Fans are Retarded

Day before yesterday, I wrote how the Heat were turning the basketball world upside down and were going to stage their own 3-man revolution. Well, I guess Mike Miller took offense to that and decided he would show the world that there are actually other players on the Heat team who do occasionally throw the ball in the hoop. Miller was lights out in the 4th quarter, hitting all 4 of his shots, on a night when Dwyane Wade looked as bad as I'd ever seen him (despite his midnight shooting session the night before). While Udonis Haslem was a surprise contributor in game 2 due to his injuries, Miller has basically been non-existent all season and had pretty much been written off the key contributor list. If they can continue to get scoring from him, (which I doubt) Miami would be unstoppable. Still, the Heat were able to get something out of a guy they thought would be their biggest off-season addition outside of the big 3.

Before I say anything else about last night's contest, a word about Heat fans. They are stupid. And I mean that in every sense of the word. I'm sure there's a couple of real, knowledgable basketball fans (M@d $cientist included) who have been there since the Steve Smith and Brian Shaw days and behave themselves in a sensible manner, but for the most part, Heat fans are very stupid. They only show up when the team is winning (and even then they don't do so until late into the first quarter). The empty red and yellow seats in the AAA are so unsightly, that the team has begun putting white shirts ON THE SEATS. It's like the old joke about the sell out crowd in disguise as empty seats; Heat brass have resorted to literally dressing up seats as fans. I'd venture a guess that most of the hot girls and other tanned douche-bags in attendance couldn't pick Glen Rice out of a line-up let alone be able to claim being there since the beginning. I still remember the crowds in Miami being practically split down the middle between transplanted Knicks fans and Heat fans during the 90s so the fans in Miami have always been about as fair weather as..well, the weather.

Their basketball I.Q. is not the greatest either, as evidenced by the cheers of delight after LeBron did the Kevin Garnett block of a shot 5 seconds after a foul (even Steve Kerr got a chuckle out of that). Also, how about chanting about an actual player for the opposing team, instead of about a loudmouth TNT broadcaster like Barkley that no one pays attention to anyway? Maybe a clever chant like "Noah's a Fag"? If Joakim called a New York fan that on live tv, he'd be ducking D batteries on his way off the court. And while you're at it, ditch the t-shirt throwing thing. I understand most Heat pseudo-fans haven't been to many sporting events outside of wet t-shirt contests, but those towels and t-shirts are meant to be waved, twirled or worn, not tossed in the air like it's new year's eve after every win.

Now that I got my Hater J on, as for the game: The Bulls continued to struggle for long stretches on offense, partly due to great Heat D, and partly due to plain old missing shots. Rose was particularly awful for most of the game, and LeBron's defense on him at the end of the 4th and O.T. played a big part in that. Chicago has a slightly better chance than OKC being that they play 2 out of the next 3 at home (win game 5 and as they say, the pressure switches back to the Heat) but like the Western Conference Finals, Game 4 may have been the back breaker for the losing team. Both teams were a minute away from evening the series and now they're both a game away from vacations. The idiots will be celebrating soon.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Someone In the Mets Organization Makes Sense for Once

I don't know what's more surprising, that someone involved with the Mets finally said some things that made sense for a change, that the person who said them was Fred Wilpon or that there is a seeming public outcry (at least among many Mets fans) over these fairly innocent and very accurate words.

The offending comments were made during an uncharacteristically candid moment for the beleaguered Mets owner in a recent New Yorker article. Sitting in his luxury suite watching his awful creation piss away another game, Wilpon was understandably critical of the team he put together (the article was written early in the season when the Mets were almost unwatchable). What were these hideous insults that have Mets nation all up in arms?

1) David Wright is a good player but not a superstar
2) Jose Reyes is a dissapointment and wants (and will get somewhere else) "Carl Crawford" bread
3) The Mets over reacted to Carlos Beltran's ridiculous playoffs with the Astros by signing him for 20 years and a billion dollars.
4) The sky is blue.

He didn't actually come out and say that last one, but it's just as much of a truism as those other 3 statements. I suppose a lot of the Metropolitans' supporters are taking issue not just with what was said (even a Mets fan has some sense) but the fact that it was their usually quiet, clueless owner saying it to a magazine from the comfort of his luxury sky box instead of directly to the players or something like that. This is, of course, silly. The fact that Wilpon recognizes that this is a flawed team and is acknowledging it to anyone is a sign of things maybe moving in the right direction. At least he's not stubbornly holding onto the beliefs that every move the team he owns makes is a great one like some other idiot owners in New York. And while we're on the subject of New York owners, George Steinbrenner has practically achieved Saint hood for firing up his troops with remarks like these.

One of the arguments I've heard Mets fans (as well as Michael Kay and other impartial idiots) make as to why they're upset with this is that it will somehow
mess up the suddenly glorious team chemistry or offend the sensitive players who were criticized, as if a .500 team that hasn't won a playoff game in 5 years is some kind of fragile dynasty, that if disturbed might unravel. As Mets expert Snoot has been saying for some time, the worst possible thing that could happen to his beloved team is a false sense of security as the result of a mediocre season (kind of like the Knicks had in the early Isiah years) that would prevent the team from doing what it needs most: complete destruction and rebuilding. So, Mets fans, get a grip;Wilpon speaking up and admitting that the Mets suck might be a sign that he's catching on too.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Life In Ruin by Motown Marxist

A lot of physicists wonder what it would be like to travel through a black hole. There are many theories out there based on some good math that ultimately lead to some larger philosophical discussions. Yet no definitive description exists to explain the phenomena that occur in such dark and weird places in The Universe. One wonders if man could ever unravel such mysteries.

Many introspective questions are posed to try and wrap one's head around such a conundrum.
Questions like: What is it like to live in Detroit?
Words cannot completely describe the experience, but I'll try my best to explain.

Despite what the Karate Kid Remake starring Jayden Smith (The Bane of my existence) will make you think, Detroit has no White people. Furthermore, Detroit isn't even populated with Oreos.

Study the picture below. It's an artist representation of what a black hole would look like, if made visible.

The photo representation of a black hole is much like Detroit - it's the essence of ruin.
1. Destruction is most intense towards the center.
2. "Whiteness" is most concentrated just beyond the Event Horizon
3. The surrounding areas withhold a lot of natural beauty.

It looks like more of a warzone than Afghanistan circa 1979.

(Quick! Which one is Detroit?)

Well... kind of the same, but you get my point. Check out this captured footage of my pleasant stroll through the park.

The 1 policeman there REALLY made me feel safe amid the hundreds of drug dealers making sales in plain sight. Which brings me to my next point: Police.

The Police Force is racked with corruption and suffers from limited manpower.
It's so bad that the current Mayor of Detroit is giving serious consideration to combining the Police and Fire Departments. That's like wearing 100 lbs on equipment on a daily basis.


= A lot of Stuff

The only solution for such calamity is the reinstatement of Robocop.
For those of you who aren't familar:
Robocop = Robot + Cop = The ultimate form of law enforcement.

Hell, he could even help enforce the newly passed law that bans smoking in bars!

So a lot of people joke around with me that:
"You're the only person to move TO Detroit in the past ten years."
I don't have much to say to that. That's because I really think it's true.
As Hometown Hero Eminem once rapped, "There's a lot of truth in Jest."

Sorry... I couldn't help myself. Eminem songs are played here more on a per minute basis than Lady Gaga says something that sounds like something else I've already heard from some other 90's Pop Culture Icon from a Detroit Suburb (uh-huh-Madonna).

They even air songs that never get a proper single release. For all I know, they just play his albums on shuffle. That is, all radio stations except those random Country Music Stations that explicit state in their Radio Broadcast Stamps: "All The Music YOU LOVE, MINUS the Crappy Rap."
:::Begin Terribull song that talks about eating beans and loving The Jesus :::
Oh, Detroit! You just crack me up!

Detroit might not have much going for it at the moment for being a top U.S. City, and even though years of being the Mecca of the American Auto-Manufacturing Industry has created a gray overcast on the city comparable to that of Beijing, at least there are some pretty good places nearby to visit like Toronto, Chicago and the Great Lakes (we used to have sports teams to help but an average Tigers team isn't really cutting it).

P.S. Detroit, please consider changing you nickname from Dah D to something that sounds a little less like the slang word for a pile of feces.

Bulls vs Heat Game 3 Recap: Chris Bosh, LeBron and The Heat Revolutionize Basketball

Sometime in the very near future (like mid-June) we might be talking about "remember when we all thought the Heat weren't going to be able to beat the Celtics?" or "remember when we all thought the Bulls would dominate the Heat like they did in the regular season?" and maybe most surprisingly "remember when everyone thought Chris Bosh was a big pussy who didn't belong on the same court as the other two guys, and will get eaten alive by Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah?". Oh, how naive we all were. Chris Bosh (up there literally taking a back seat to LeBron) continued to be the best player on the court in this series (his one off game, the team won anyway), barely missing a shot after the first quarter and the Bulls continued to look awful offensively.

A lot of credit for Bosh's sudden manliness has gone to Boozer's pre-series dismissal of him, and you have to think there's some truth to that, since he's playing as aggressive as I've ever seen him play. Whatever the reason for his awakening, the Bulls better figure some way quick to stop him. Then again, once they figure Bosh out, there's those other 2 guys. If the Heat big 3 experiment has taught us anything this season, it's that you really can win with 3 guys. You don't need a superstar coach like Phil Jackson to manage the personalities, or a top-notch point guard to run the show, or even a Steve Kerr or Robert Horry clutch bomber. You get 2 of the greatest players of all time and a very good player and you might just win the whole damn thing. Take that, haters.

With every win, Miami is revolutionizing professional basketball. While that "We Did It" bullshit up there originally looked as appropriate as Bush's "Mission Accomplished" sign, it's beginning to look more and more like this team is going to win it all. Easily. Even if LeBron or Wade aren't Jordan (who's unparalleled greatness alongside Pippen gets most of the credit for those thinly talented Bulls team's success), and the supporting cast is still terrible, it doesn't mean a thing. If you stop LeBron, you have Wade, and if you stop him, you have Bosh. The odds of all 3 having off games is minuscule. All those experts who declared the Heat's struggles as justification for real team basketball are going to be proved wrong by the 3 player team that's too good for all of the old school "play the right way" teams or even any team that's ever picked up a basketball anywhere in the world. You're always taught that a team is only as good as the sum of it's parts, a team that plays together as a team with reasonable talent will beat the superstar laden team, etc, etc. The Heat are going to prove all of that mumbo jumbo to be loser talk; stuff coaches of weakling, ordinary teams tell their pedestrian, non-superstar players to get them to believe that the big bullies don't always win. After LeBron and Wade shove the Bulls' faces in the toilets, they'll move on to stuffing Nowitzki in a locker. Basketball will never be the same.

Friday, May 20, 2011

RIP Randy "Macho Man" Savage

The world lost another wrestler today, and most of us here at PTU (and almost any male ages 25-40) lost a Saturday afternoon childhood hero. When any pro wrestler dies, the first thought that comes to mind is always "had to be the steroids". Unfortunately, this is the sad truth about guys who pump their bodies full of substances and hit each other with chairs and tables for a living. It's a shame that a guy like this had to go out in a Jeep Wrangler headed for a tree, rather than during a flying elbow drop to the head of Ric Flair.

I, for one, am going to snap into a Slim Jim for lunch today in Randy's honor. OHHHH YEEEEEAHHHH.

RIP Macho Man

American I-Dull

Excuse my sad attempt for a Post headline, but I am upset over my babe getting kicked off American Idol last night. After Haley got the boot, the two rednecks (above) are all the remain. Snoot mentioned how I should move out to California and live with her, all the while getting by on her recording money. Sounds like a good plan.
Hot American Idol Chick: Bottle, you better take a nap after surfing all day so you have energy for yam-yam
Bottle: Sure, no worries.
These are the best I could find:

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Top 10 Movies That Only White People Like

Some movies are embraced by the entire country; people of all colors, age and ethnicity. And then there are movies like these. White people can't get enough of them but you're more likely to see a Nickelback album on a person of color's ipod than one of these in their DVD collection.

So, here's the PTU top 10 movies that were least likely to have someone yell at the screen while watching:

10) Juno

Some minority females may like this tale of a sassy white teenage girl who becomes pregnant and the ensuing hilarity that follows, but most Puerto Rican dudes only know of one Juno: "Ju know Juan from Fordham Road? That nigga owes me 50 dollars, man". Teen pregnancy just doesn't seem as funny when Belle and Sebastian aren't playing in the background.

9) Indiana Jones

This seems to be a controversial choice here at PTU, but resident Puerto Rican Hater J insists that no one in the Barrio gave a shit about Indy and his whip.

8) Rushmore

You could probably insert anything directed by Wes Anderson, but this movie about an annoying boarding school kid who looks to be about 32 definitely collected dust at the 125th st. Blockbuster.

7)Into the Wild

For some reason, many minorities find it hard to get wrapped up in a movie about a kid who graduates college and decides to burn his car and money and go hiking in the woods instead of accepting a high paying job.


Spawning an even whiter sitcom, this movie is on VHS in many white dad's collections and is usually ranked among the best comedies of all time. Only Alan Alda's presence could have increased it's whiteness.

5) Slapshot

White college kids and older white men love this wacky comedy about a minor league hockey team. A minority will join the Klan before queuing this up on Netflix.

4) Anything directed by Woody Allen

Woody catches some flak for not casting minorities in his films about New York, but only from other white people since no one of color has ever seen a Woody Allen film.

3) The Breakfast Club

Another controversial choice since many people in the hood caught this on WPIX 11 and might have liked it, but most white people love this movie more than their mothers.

2) Sideways

Birth of A Nation is more popular amongst minority audiences than this movie about two white men who decide to travel the country and visit wineries.

1)Star Wars

Beloved by all white people, but even the presence of Billy Dee can't get a brother to watch this. Amazingly, it is the most successful movie of all time, yet no minority ever bought a ticket to it (and to quote a Conan O'Brien joke, no one ever brought a date).

Any non-whites out there that love one of these movies, feel free to let it be known in the comments. Or if any white people beg to differ with one of these choices, I'd like proof of one of your minority friends enjoying one of these movies.

Worst Creepers of All-Time

When you're famous, women (and sometimes men) throw themselves at you everywhere you go. You would think, with all the money and power they possess, they would be able to have discreet affairs outside of their relationships. Well, the following celebs prove that this assumption is not always true.

5) Kobe Bryant
Kobe brought his wife Vanessa - once a skanky rap video model - from rags to riches, complete with a boob job, plenty of plastic surgery, and even an automatic Lambo (which he got specially made). Then, while in Colorado having knee surgery, he was accused of attempted rape by a 19 year old hotel worker. He eventually settled the case (by spending tons of $$$) and smoothed things over with his wife (even more $$). Who knew creeping could be so expensive?

4) Marv Albert
Marv's victim - a former lover - accused him of biting her several times on her back while he wore a wig and panties. They eventually settled the case, but not before Marv temporarily lost his job and became the laughing stock of America.

3) Hugh Grant
Grant, who was in a relationship with Elizabeth Hurley (one of the hottest chicks alive), was caught with a Hollywood prostitute named Divine Brown. He received two years probation and was required to attend an AIDS education program. How she got the name Divine is clearly a mystery. (Just look at the pics above.)

2) Eddie Murphy
Eddie, like Hugh Grant, was caught in his car with a Hollywood hooker. So why is he above Hugh in the rankings you ask? She was a MAN, BABY! Yes, Eddie was caught with a transvestite, which ultimately led to a divorce from his wife. Eddie claimed that he saw him/her on the corner and wanted to help, which his wife replied to by asking "well, why the hell did you let him get into the car?" Good question.

1) Arnold
Arnold went from marrying into American royalty to yamming the woman who cleans his toilets. Now I can somewhat understand if he gave into a moment of passion, looked himself in the mirror, and said "never again with this hippo". Yet, the fact that she ended up pregnant leads me to believe that this was an on-going affair. Yes, one of the most powerful men in the country went back for more with the resident turd-cleaner. Now he is stuck with a child from an unwanted pregnancy: Something that celebrity money can't undo. Kiss your marriage and political aspirations goodbye, Arnold.

Honorable Mention:

Bill Clinton - he went from his bitchy, lesbian-looking wife to some fat intern with sperm stains all over her dress. Worst of all, he got caught and had to go home to Hillary, who surely gave him hell. JFK (RIP) could have taught him a thing or two.

John Edwards - ran his campaign based on his strong integrity and family values. Then was caught fathering a bastard child. Not much of a surprise, considering how politicians and proselytizers are usually the ones doing the worst creeping.

Ray-J - while I'm not sure if he was actually creeping, he did go from the hottest chick in the world (Kim Kardashian) to some washed-up 80's singer (Whitney Houston) who spent the last 15 years smoking crack with this guy.

A-Rod: The Yankee I Dislike the Most

I really don't like A-Rod, which is funny, since I actually like many players on the team currently. I have a lot of respect the core three of Jeter, Posada, and Rivera, now in the twilight of their careers, despite recent events. Rivera is the best closer ever. It's too bad he's blown three blown saves against the Orioles. Despite that stat, his performance is on pace to roughly equal the quality of his performance last year.

I think Mark Teixiera is goofy looking motherf'er (I feel like him and John Lackey have to share the same horrible overbite genes), but he's a solid first baseman. He does insist on making nearly every play to 1B for an out more dramatic by scooping up the ball into a quasi-fist pump, holding up the glove to the Ump as if to say, "You see, I got." I remember making fun of Cano several years back for having a lot of errors at second base. That doesn't seem to be a problem any more. He's one of the best hitters on the team now, a superior player than the guy on my fantasy team five years ago.

Brett Gardner might be the fastest guy in the league. Too bad he struggles to get on base. Nick Swisher is my personal favorite. He's goofy, but so damn likable. I really enjoyed the Swishawk. I actually wish he was playing a little bit better. He's a strange and entertaining man. Check out his twitter feed if you into that sort of thing. I even like Joba, who looked terrible last time I saw him. I swear he got fatter. And if you type "Joba Chamberlain" into Google, Joba Chamberlain gains weight, Joba Chamberlain fat, and Joba Chamberlain overweight are suggested as possible searches. Looks like he's been hitting the buffet line a little more often than the training room. He's got a really touching story with his dad and all, but hasn't lived up to expectations. I guess he's doing better in the last few games. His ERA dropped to like 3.8, which is respectable.

Anyway, this post isn't about those guys. It's about A-Rod and why I don't like him. Now, I don't think that he's not a great player. I don't think that he's not one of the best hitters ever. I just don't like him. And it's hard to explain why I don't like him. It's not that I don't like him because he's not clutch. It's not that I don't like him because he's a Yankee, although I think slapping Bronson Arroyo's hand in 2004 didn't help. It's not like I don't like him because his life is way better than mine in many respects. I don't dislike him because of his divorce, potential cheating, or any other nonsense in his personal life. It's not about his stats, his ability as a player, or the life he leads as a result.

I don't like A-Rod because he seems like a douche. He just comes across that way. Maybe it's the occasionally frosted hair, those purple lips, or those hamburger helper mitts he wears. Maybe I dislike him because he's hopeless in love with himself. Remember that picture above. Nope, it's not Tiger Woods. It's A-Rod. Yeah, I suppressed it from my memory too, because he literally looks like he's saying to himself, "I'd do me. I'd go gay for me." Maybe it's that attitude. I'm not sure, but he just seems like a colossal douche. The guy's nickname can be literally translated to "a dick." That probably doesn't help. Maybe I just hate his face. I got into an argument with some girl who thought he was the hottest Yankee (No Homo. Note, a guy can say or do anything, as long as he says "No Homo" afterward or doesn't make eye contact.). I got it when chicks thought Jeter was hot. It made sense, but A-Rod just looks weird.

Jeter and Cano seem like alright guys. Maybe it's because they smile all the time. They project a quiet confidence that doesn't seem arrogant or indicative of insecurity. A-Rod, however, projects douche-ness constantly. Whether at bat, on the field, post-game, or in a commercial, A-Rod just oozes douche. Remember that Nike commercial with A-Rod training with a medicine ball? Yeah, I haven't bought a Nike product since seeing it. Nike sales probably slumped after it aired. Come to think of it I don't remember him being in any ads lately. It might be that he hasn't been in that many or it might be that he has so little charisma that I don't remember them.

Another reason I don't like A-Rod is that he does not seem that tough mentally. He's an extraordinarily talented athlete, but he comes across as very weak mentally. I feel like if he got cancer, he'd never play again. He doesn't seem like he would come back harder and stronger like Lance Armstrong (who may be a cheater) or Jon Lester. I just don't see it. He just seems like a whiny bitch. His career would be over. Yes, I realize that at his age, this comparison might not be fair, but I would feel the same way if he was ten years younger. And I don't think coming back from what I understand to be a relatively minor hip surgery proves otherwise.

I was reminded that I don't like A-Rod over the weekend when I saw him at bat with a big wad of sunflower seeds and what appeared to be like five pieces of gum. He looked like he had a dick in his mouth. I was somewhat concerned he could choke, but then I thought, "What an asshole. This guy is supposed to be focused on this at bat and he's got his mouth so full of crap he has to spit out sunflower seeds in between each pitch. Maybe he'd be hitting better if he wasn't so focused on what's in his mouth and was paying more attention to the game." Don't get me wrong, I liked the result, but I couldn't help thinking that he was being a lousy teammate and player there. Maybe I haven't seen enough tape of A-Rod. Maybe he does better with a dick's worth of crap in his mouth. I don't know, but I know I don't like him.