Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Worst Sequels of All Time
If you're like the millions of people who took time out of their busy Memorial Day Weekends to watch the lazy piece of monkey shit that was The Hangover 2 (as I had the misfortune of doing), then you probably spent the next few hours racking your brain as to what sequel was actually worse than that mind numbing cash grab you just wasted 12 bucks on. (My original idea was Top 5 funnier ways to spend your time than watching The Hangover Part 2, but I didn't want to offend the Holocaust Museum by associating them with that movie). Sequels are always just attempts to squeeze more cash out of an existing fan base, but some are more blatant in their laziness than others. There's a reason number 2 is a nickname for shit. What are a few of the worst offenders?
Most crappy sequels are the result of behind the scenes fuckery involving contractual obligations and other boring legalities. This one was no different, unfortunately for the legacy of the late Roy Scheider who was required by law to be in this stinker.
Halloween 2 and all it's sequels
The first Halloween is a classic for it's low-budget yet still scary as hell charm. As so often happens with sequels, the movies that followed the original got sillier and sillier and basically made anyone forget that there was ever a cool first movie (and don't even get me started on the Rob Zombie reboots). Same could be said for the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.
Maybe worse than a complete rehash of the original film is the sequel that can't get any of the original cast to participate. Chevy Chase is the only sucker back in this forgettable sequel, thrust upon the masses 8 years after the original Caddyshack. This was originally written to revolve around Rodney Dangerfield which, I imagine, would have made it a bit more tolerable.
Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World
Remember when Jurassic Park first came out? The animatronic dinosaurs were probably the coolest effect anyone had ever seen. Then a couple years later, this pile of T-Rex dung came out. The rare sequel that doesn't have the absence of the big name director to blame (along with the next movie on the list), the Lost World really went off the rails when it had T-Rex stomping around in suburban back-yards in San Diego. Also, why was Jeff Goldblum's daughter inexplicably black?
The mother of all shitty sequels that all sequels to follow are judged against. While not a laughably awful movie (like, say Titanic 2 or something) when viewed in comparison to quite possibly the greatest 2 films of all time, it's a truly awful experience. From the death by poison cannoli, to the replacement of Robert Duvall with of all people George Hamilton, to the confusing plot involving killing the Pope (!), it's no wonder Coppola only makes a movie every 10 years and instead has dedicated his life to making wine that your uncle brings to birthday parties. One thing that this movie has in common with Hangover Part 2 is a horrible actor that makes you wonder "who is this person related to/and or banged to get this part?". In GF3's case, Coppola's own daughter put on one of the worst performances in movie history (Corleone with a valley girl accent) before becoming a respected, somewhat annoying director herself. In HO2, it's Brokeback/Crouching Tiger director Ang Lee's son who snuck his way in thanks to daddy's pull. Pacino might as well have been talking about this tacked on sequel when he said "They keep pulling me back in". Madon!