Why I Hate Vegans

I saw about ten minutes of Scott Pilgrim v. the World the other night. I haven't seen this movie, but apparently Scott has to defeat all this girl's ex-boyfriends before they can go out or something like that. Anyway, one of the boyfriends is a vegan, and being a vegan gives him psychic powers. Ridiculous I know. One of the characters explains this simply, "[B]eing vegan just makes you better than most people."

This scene goes to be very amusing, but it reminded me of how much I hate vegans. I hate vegans because they think they're better than everybody. Vegans think they are better than everybody because they don't eat animal flesh (including fish) or products derived from animals. True (or ethical) vegans won't even use products made from the exploitation of animals. For instance, I played softball with a vegan who refused to borrow a glove to play in the in-field because they were made of leather. This same guy had to give up drinking beer for a bit because he found out many beers are filtered through fish parts (He ended up finding beers that didn't do this eventually).

Vegans seem to think they are morally better because they don't consume or use products derived from the killing or exploitation of animals. I think the idea that you diet makes you a morally better person is crazy and offensive, unless we're talking the Jeffery Dahmer cannibal diet. If you believe that, you are a douche. Don't get me wrong; eat like a vegan because you think it healthier or something. That's fine by me, but if you start spouting off some holier than thou crap, I want to supersize your face.

I also hate vegans because they act like they're cooler than non-vegans. I think this is related to the moral superiority thing, but it's also a function of the whole vegan culture. Vegans have to go to vegan restaurants, and vegan food stores, and use vegan cookbooks, and hang out with other vegans, because what non-vegan wants to eat vegan if they don't have to. Becoming vegan is like becoming joining a cult. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle, like being a, sigh, hipster. They're part of this select group and you're not, so they're cooler than you. That just pisses me off.

Finally, I hate veganism because I think it captures a very naive and perhaps a very dangerous worldview. It distorts what nature is and conjures up some hippie nonsense about a harmonious and peaceful natural world. Nature is cutthroat. It's dog eat dog. Man has carved out his place in the world, but nature is just waiting to reclaim what man's staked out for his own. If you ever saw Life After People on the History Channel, you'll get what I mean.

Sure, there are some hot vegans, but they're batshit crazy. It's not worth it. Stay away. Don't go near them. If a girl tells you that she's a vegan, politely ask for the check and get the hell out of there. In my opinion, vegans are worse than hipsters, worse than hippies, and worse than communists.