Friday, May 13, 2011

The Best And Worst Mutant Powers

Everyone loves the X-Men. Not only are they instantly relatable to most teenagers and geeks (outcast kick ass mutants shunned by their peers) but who wouldn't want to be born with a freakish power that can be harnessed for good or evil, depending on your personal code of ethics and Marvel back story? In anticipation of the sure to be summer blockbuster X-Men First Class, let's take a look at the best and crappiest mutant powers.


Flying: I don't think there were any X-men who just straight up flew as a power except for Archangel, and he had wings that painfully protruded from his skin (I haven't read a comic in like 17 years though), but I think most mutants that could "fly" just kind of jumped really high or far. I'd like the power to fly without wings though. No more N train to the Danger Room for me, suckers.

Telepathy: This needs to be selective. I've seen like one full episode of True Blood, but I know Anna Paquin can hear people's thoughts and sometimes she hears them all at once. That would suck. I also don't really care to know what people think most of the time, I don't even like to read Facebook statuses. This would certainly come in handy more often than not though.

Teleporting: Nightcrawler was kind of a little French prick but his power to transport from place to place is definitely cool, especially for someone as lazy as me. Imagine going out drinking and then "boof", you're back at home eating White Castle without yelling at a Pakistani cab driver for 20 minutes . In the X-Men arcade game (top 5 Arcade game of all time) he could jump really fast all over the place too and that was pretty cool.

Wolverine's powers: Logan really lucked out. He not only was blessed with retractable steel that comes out of his fists to easily maim and kill any one who steps to him, but he also had that healing factor which basically made him indestructible. No wonder he's the most popular of X-men. Too bad he's played by this pansy.


Controlling the Weather: Storm is hot and all, but her power is kind of lame. Sure, she could stir up a twister every once in a while but in her day to day, she was just a prematurely white-haired chick who moped around waiting for someone to need an emergency rain shower.

Colossus's metal body: While Wolverine got the cool adamantium inside his skin, Colossus had to walk around all the time looking like a metal Klitschko brother.

Whatever powers those extra dudes had in that last X Men movie: You know the ones that Magneto put on the front line to get slaughtered that were played by the Chinese guy from Lost and AJ's girlfriend on the Sopranos? These guys make the Knicks B squad look formidable in comparison. I think one guy was really good at crossword puzzles, another might have been a master at remembering sitcom theme song lyrics. That's why they're the pawns, I guess (good call, Magneto).

Dazzler's Human disco ball powers: This was the result of a 1970's cross-promotion with a disco record company, marvel comics and cocaine. Dazzler was some club kid chick who had the power to make strobe lights without the use of a disco ball. She didn't make it into any of the movies, much to the disappointment of her loyal fans.

If any geeks out there know of mutant powers I missed (or you disagree with), feel free to point them out.


  1. Having a Ice Bridge on command is pretty lame too.

  2. Toad's jumping ability was pretty lame as well. The only reason he was remotely cool in the original movie was because they made him into a martial arts master. Otherwise, he could just jump really well. That's great if you want to get into basketball, but not so good for fighting.

  3. Yeah Toad might be one of the all time lamest comic book characters.

  4. I thought controlling the weather would be pretty cool.

  5. Yeah, I guess controlling the weather would be pretty cool depending on where you lived. Not really something you could use on a daily basis.

  6. Controlling the weather would only be a good power for a meteorologist. I wonder if Mr. G can do it.

  7. Or if you have tickets to a baseball game. Rain delays suck.

  8. I always thought the power to control plants was cool

  9. Wolverine's "claws" were naturally made from bone not steel, he was genetically altered by William Striker... Adamantium skeleton..