Monday, May 16, 2011

The PTU End of the World Bucket List

The end of the world is this Saturday around 6 p.m. (Eastern time, I presume. Jesus would totally be a New Yorker). What with the busy work schedules and social calendars of so many of us though, it's hard to accomplish everything you wanted while inhabiting the mortal world, before the millennial rapture. It's going to get pretty damn busy on Earth over the next 700 years, with all the tribulation dealings going on. So, before you line up for your mark of the beast bar-code and prepare yourself for an eternity of either damnation or bliss alongside Christ, what do you still need to scratch off the ol' New York bucket list?:

1) Gamble your life savings at the Belmont Race Track:

As previously chronicled on this very blog, M@d $cientist, Captain Power and two other guys made a pilgrimage to the holy grail of racing, the Kentucky Derby last week. They came back with wondrous stories, a carton of Newports (at half the cost of New York City prices) and not one STD to speak of. All in all, it sounded pretty boring. Beat the biblical blues, and hit up Belmont race track in Long Island instead. Before our Savior brings his wrath to those who have forsaken him, you have to experience at least once tall boys of Heineken on the LIRR ride over and then a couple hours alongside degenerates straight out of a Bukowski novel. Might as well let Junior's college fund go now for the thrill of the gamble.

2) Visit The Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria, Queens:

This may sound like one of the worst ways to spend your last week as member of a functioning modern society, but this place is really cool. Formerly a much smaller wing of the Astoria Kaufman studios next door, this newly renovated museum features a ridiculously large collection of movie memorabilia, from the Linda Blair head used in The Exorcist to the original script for Taxi Driver to Natalie Portman's prosthetic legs in Black Swan. The second floor also has some 3-d installations that would be especially mind-blowing on mushrooms.

3) Marry your significant other/ or divorce your Wife/Husband:

Might as well get this out of the way. No one wants to die alone, so get married already, what are you waiting for? If you're already married, get a divorce, it's run it's course already.

4) Run a Half Marathon in a major NYC park:

Most people I know seem to have already done this, but if you haven't why not push yourself like Prefontaine? Seems like one thing you'd want to accomplish before it's too late. In heaven, everyone already has a perfect body, so running seems like a waste of time, and if you're stuck down here, you'll be busy doing other things I'm sure.

5) Run a 5 on 5 full court game at "the cage" on West 4th:

Although it's been immortalized in the classic video game NBA Street, and is a tourist attraction for hoops fans worldwide, the competition here is not all that great on most days. Stumble by on your way from Peculiar pub and you can get a little run in before the leagues hold their games. Even if it's the end of the world you probably don't want to try your luck at Rucker park.

5) Have wild, unprotected sex with strangers.

6) Eat like a fatass:

Hit up the Waffle and Dinges food truck in Park Slope and on occasion, Midtown Manhattan; Eat an entire Peanut Butter and Jelly cupcake from CRUMBS; Have a burger and a couple of beers at Lugers. Eat an entire square pie from L&B's to the face; You'll only have your earthly body for another couple days anyway, might as well abuse it while you can.

7) Burn down your junior high school:

Wait until no one's there. You don't need senseless murders on your record before Christ opens the books on you, but you know you've dreamt of this.

See you on the other side!


  1. I would add:

    1) Start a blog based on random emails with your friends

    2) Run down the street naked

    3) Watch all 3 Godfather movies in order in one sitting

    4) Cross the border into North Korea and see how long before you get captured.

  2. I think you did all of those except four.