Thursday, June 14, 2012
Who Wins a Fight Between Drake and Chris Brown?
Recently, M@d $cientist posted about fights he would like to see including a bear and a shark in outer space. Meanwhile, in reality, there has been a serious beef brewing between two of the most hated (and loved) guys in hip hop. Everyone's favorite Canadian Jew rapper Drake has recently been Twitter tussling with everyone's favorite woman beating punk Chris Brown, and it's recently erupted into bottle throwing cat fighting. All this reportedly over Rhianna, who every day seems to fall faster into cracked out Linsday Lohan territory . I'll admit the alleged first shot that is Drake's "I'm still fucking Rhianna" note is extremely badass but that doesn't take away from the fact that neither of these guys will probably ever have an actual fight. Who would win if these two were to ever let their entourages take a day off and really shoot a fair one? Let's break it down.
Both of these guys main strength is the ability to be simultaneously misognystic and loved by women at the same time. Drake's recently had lyrics like "she could have a grammy, I'll still treat her ass like a nominee" and Chris Brown punches women in the face. This ability doesn't really translate to street fighting though. Still, Drake has seemingly never been in a fight in his life (unless he got into at the craft service table on the set of Degrassi) and we KNOW CB can throw a punch. Also, Brown stands nearly 6-4 and is very athletic. Drake played a basketball player on Nickelodeon, but by all accounts is as athletic as every other Jewish Canadian. That is, not very. This isn't to say that Chris Brown would mop the floor with Wheelchair Jimmy. On the contrary, I think this would be a fairly even fight with neither participant landing many blows, and some occasional wrestling on the ground. In the end, Chris Brown wins an ugly, feminine fight. This will never happen because their vast entourages, agents, label heads, and hanger ons will ensure that these two are never in the same room again, close enough to scratch each other's eyes out. And even if they were, as tough as they talk on twitter, both of these douche bags would most likely prefer to say they're sorry, curl up with the latest sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, and have a cup of green tea than actually fight. I'd still rather see the shark and the bear.