Friday, November 11, 2011

Top 5 Wiggers

A couple posts ago I compared Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky to poseurs like Vanilla Ice and Rick Ross. A$AP might be a trendsetter at imitating sizzurp drinking Southerners but the white guy acting black is a time honored tradition, and is undoubtedly the most common (and ridiculed) version of this phenomenon. Throughout history there's been kids (and adults) acting like they're straight outta the hood and who can blame them? People from the hood are tough and scary and really cool. Who are the top 5 wiggers in history?

5. Jesse Pinkman on Breaking Bad

Jesse's "Blaccent" is pretty bad. He mostly just says "bitch" and "yo" a lot but pretty much just sounds like a white dude. This is probably because the actor who portrays Jesse, Aaron Paul is really, really white in real life. Still, his ridiculous clothes (especially in the first couple seasons) that look like he's a 12 year old who lives on Staten Island make up for whatever he lacks in wigger language believability.

4. Channing Tatum

This guy has certainly cornered the market on angry, conflicted movie wiggers with a soft side. Check out his resume:

  • Coach Carter as the small forward with the temper problem.

  • A Guide to Remembering your Saints as Shia Labeouf's wild friend from the neighborhood with a temper and a way with baseball bats

  • The Fighter as a loner street fighter with a temper that befriends creepy Terrence Howard

and on and on it goes. Nobody captures the rage of an oppressed African American man stuck in the body of an Abercrombie model turned shitty actor like Channing.

3. Eminem

This is an obvious choice. He's probably the most recognizable wigger in the world, but Marshall actually has a lof of white tendencies (keeping him this high on the list). Even though all of his friends are black and he grabs his nuts a lot, he also likes to dress in drag and do borderline gay shit (or REALLY REALLY gay shit), used to live in a trailer park and does prank phone calls and the like. So his whiteness is balanced out by his rap career and wardrobe consisting of sweatpants and Air Maxes that looks straight out of TJ Maxx.

2. Jason Williams aka White Chocolate

One of the many Jason (or Jayson) Williamses to play in the NBA but the only fully white one and (ironically) the very blackest of any of them. As I've mentioned before, funny murderer Jayson Williams was a mullato who was like a Puerto Rican guy, and Duke superstar turned motorcycle accident victim and now ESPN commentator Jason "Jay" Williams was (like every other black player from Duke) the opposite of a wigger. Jason was the flashiest Caucasian NBA player since Pete Maravich and Bob Cousy, in fact, he might have been the white player with the most flava (or swag) ever. Cousy sure as hell never did this in a game. He also had a habit of wearing his hat sideways in locker room interviews, cussing out reporters and even was a high school teammate of Randy Moss. Don't get much blacker than that. He eventually toned down the flash under old fogey white man Hubie Brown and you'd be hard pressed to even see him throw a no look pass late in his career with the Grizzlies, Heat or Magic but we'll always have youtube clips of his days in Sacramento to remind us of what a trendsetting wigger White Chocolate truly was at one point.

1. Detective Holder on The Killing

The Killing is a truly awful show. Snoot and I watched it anyway, since we started watching it based off of AMC's reputation and figured it would eventually right the ship and make it worth our while. Of course, that didn't happen but it did introduce us and the rest of the world to a new breed of wigger. The white trashy former drug addict (I don't remember if what drug is ever specified on the show, but I'll assume meth) and pretty decent cop. He's also the first wigger I can think of to not be played as a joke (the Swedish actor who plays Holder might have based his idea of American police solely on Eminem videos or the Staten Island Mall); even Jesse's wardrobe and "bitch" and "yo"'s are kinda tongue in cheek. Holder is who he is, and the only recognition of his wiggerdom comes when his partner says he dresses like Justin Bieber. We've finally come to a moment in our history that a white man can act like he's a black guy from the hood and it's just an incidental part of his back story and not something to be ridiculed. So remember, Chad and Trevor in Fort Lauderdale, it gets better. It really does.

Honorable mentions:

Justin Bieber- Besides his style of dress and blaccent, he's got baby mama issues.

Robin Thicke- Son of the whitest man in the world, TV dad Alan Thicke, has some serious soul.


  1. Robin Thicke is also married to a black woman for additional cred

  2. what about Justin Timberlake?? He actually corn rowed his hair...

  3. Yeah Justin was pretty wiggerish at one poor but he's toned it down a lot. He definitely deserves an honorable mention though.

  4. Eminem deserves a pass for talent. At least his first 2 albums were good and he pissed off the right people.