Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods

Thanksgiving is a time of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, you have to deal with annoying relatives who you'd sooner spend a lifetime blocking from seeing your Facebook statuses than spend a dinner with, but there you are forced to make inane small talk about how you feel about your job for a good hour or so. Then, on the other hand, you have glorious food. Ah yes, thanksgiving food is about as good as it gets. I'm not sure if I love the stuff so much because it's only served once or twice a year or if it's just that gosh darn awesome. Either way, I feel like I could eat most of what's served on Thanksgiving every day for the rest of my life and would be content, even though that would mean I would never get my tryptophaned ass off the couch. What are the top 5?

5) Mashed Potatoes

The potato is one of those foods that's good in almost any form that it's prepared. Au gratin, baked, french fries, it's all fantastic. Mashed potatoes though, are a close second to baked potatoes as the very best type of potato (baked potatoes ability to be a vehicle for awesomeness like sour cream and bacon bits puts it over the top). Just make sure they're not too runny or chunky or you've fucked your whole holiday up.

4) Turkey with gravy

Turkey on its own is kind of a drag. It's dry and puts you to sleep while the Lions are still down by just one touchdown. But paired with gravy, it's delicious. Turkeys get so much attention around this time of year, but they're really nothing more than a vehicle for gravy. Stupid turkeys.

3) Pumpkin Pie

Apple pie might get all the love (the saying about being as American as, Jason Biggs banging it) but nothing beats a slice of pumpkin pie with some cool whip. It almost makes "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 100th time tolerable.

2) Cranberry Sauce

Some people don't like cranberry sauce. I don't understand those people since cranberry sauce is awesome. Whether sliced or in the sauce version with the little cranberries in it, it's one of the few times I don't mind sweet fruit (is cranberry a fruit?) mixed in with my meat.

1) Stuffing

Yup, stuffing. The shit that comes right out of the bird or the Stove Top kind. It doesn't matter what type of stuffing it is, that shit is crack. In the 90s there were these commercials that aired constantly that had a couple different premises: Some asshole would find a way to eat at his friends house because they were having Stove Top stuffing for dinner, and I guess their own mother was too stupid or had an alcohol problem and couldn't be bothered to provide her children with the stuffing they deserved. That mom was a real bitch. Another commercial involved two kids (one who was Hyde on That 70's Show) plotting to get their Stove Top fix. High five to stuffing! Stove Top also apparently came in a Pringles like can so you could feed your brood the stuffing they all love right out of the can. Just don't put any fruit or nuts in your stuffing, that's just gross.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


  1. Gravy belongs in its own food group, and there's nothing that says "I hate my kids" than feeding them Stove Top Stuffing. It's truly awful.

  2. I dislike cranberry sauce. Might as well put jelly on your turkey.

  3. You don't put the cranberry sauce on the turkey. Eat it on the side, it's awesome.

  4. @bagels so you just put it on your plate? You don't eat it?

  5. Cranberry sauce needs to be used as a condiment. Put it on everything.

  6. I think i said "eat it on the side", anon.

  7. Johnny Bagels & SnootNovember 29, 2011 at 10:07 AM

    We had sweet and sour turkey smothered in grape juice.

  8. Sweet and sour turkey would be amazing.

  9. Stuffing really is the best, but someone needs to make an experimental sweet and sour turkey.