Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Annoying Facebook Hell

Facebook. Everyone and (literally) their mother is on it by now, it's origin was the basis of an Oscar winning hit movie, it's available at your fingertips at a moment's notice, it pretty much has taken over the world. I absentmindedly check it throughout the day on my phone or computer, and I don't even know why. It's the strange instance where (and I know I'm not alone here) I get annoyed and frustrated just by scanning my "friends'" statuses. We all have those facebook friends, who you kind of know from that one class in 11th grade, or you met at a happy hour through an actual friend who you speak to in real life, that regularly post extremely obnoxious and self serving statements for the world to see. Like Dante's idea of Hell, there are many levels of annoying Facebook statuses (most of which I am probably guilty of, before you bring that up if you are FB friends with me).

First Level of Annoying:
The Humblebrag

Humble brag is a twitter term invented by somebody, and it is an extremely common occurence on Facebook. It's basically bragging about something about yourself disguised as being humble. For example:

"So gross! I guess this shirt makes my boobs look huge and these guys won't leave me alone! SMH!"

Yes, that is the classic humble brag. It's such a burden on this poor girl to be so attractive to men, and to have such large breasts. Boo hoo.

2nd Level: Food statuses

We all love food. M@d $cientist and I agree about nothing else in this world besides delicious food. Only thing is, looking at pictures of food is incredibly boring and uninteresting for the person not eating it. The cliched answer that everyone gives for why they hate Facebook and Twitter is "I don't care what you have for lunch" and it might be overused but it's true. Nobody cares. That creme brulee or crispy thai duck may seem like the greatest thing to ever happen to you at the apex of your hungry, boring life but, believe me, it's not compelling at all when viewed in a 3 inch box on your iphone with the caption "YUMMY I've died and gone to heaven!!!!". Maybe you could just die and do us all a favor.

3rd Level: Song Lyrics

I'm definitely guilty of doing this a couple times, but that only illustrates how damn tempting it is to post your favorite Led Zeppelin lyrics for the world to ponder and relish in how profound you are for picking out the one bar from the last Stephen Malkmus record that is SO YOU at the moment. Song lyrics are great, when sung by the artist who wrote them. A line here or there that captures your mood or is kinda funny is ok, I guess, but beware, copying and pasting the entire first verse of John Lennon's Imagine could get even John and Yoko to want to kick your ass.

4th Level: Statuses that begin "Dear..."

A particular favorite of females it appears, we all have friends who specialize in this type of status:

"Dear inanimate object (headache, subway, sandwich, pillow), I heart/hate/miss you so much. Love, annoying asshole you're regretting being friends with on Facebook".

I guess at some point this was cute and provided a funny, different spin on the usual "I have a headache" Facebook status, but now it's not so cute. It stopped being funny a long time ago, and has now become irritating and unbearable, like Entourage. Dear people who write these kind of statuses, please stop. Thank you. That is all.

5th Level: Political experts

Facebook is supposed to be a reflection of society and what people are thinking so it's to be expected that politics would creep in there sometimes. But, nothing is worse than the smarmy, know it all internet Rachel Maddow or Bill O' Reillys who simply MUST share his or her's disdain for Obama or the latest environmental or social injustice that HAS to be brought to the attention of the unenlightened simpletons who make up their internet friends. I'm not sure who's worse, the wanna be social crusader, the Harvey Milk of Facebook, who has to take up the cause for the downtrodden and abused by constantly posting links to the New York Times and reveling in his own do good liberal jerkoffness or the conservative blowhard dipshit who shows his own barely hidden racism and close mindedness by defacing your Facebook wall with all manner of xenophobic and ignorant tea party, Rush Limbaugh type garbage. Yeah, there's no right answer to that, they're both unbearable and should ctrl alt delete themselves. Jerkoffs.

The 6th Level: The guy or girl who's cooler than you

A wise man once said "don't act like you're too cool to be there if you're there". Unfortunately, there's a lot of unwise folks on Facebook who like to repeatedly tell you that they are cooler or smarter than you and you should be thankful to get a sentence or two a day from them to liven up your otherwise unsophisticated existence. For example, the twat who updates her Facebook to remind everyone that she is ashamed of her "friends" who like Jersey Shore. Or the douche who takes the time to go on Facebook and ask "who is Justin Bieber?" or something equally pretentious and insane instead of simply googling it. We're onto you Mr. and Mrs. hip intellectual facebook dickhead. At least you took the time out of your busy schedule of frequenting art museums and reading Tolstoy to grace us with your superior taste and intellect. Prick.

The Final Level:

The shameless self promoter. The bloggers who litter your wall with links to their sports and lists blog or tubmlr. Welcome to hell, suckers!

Honorable mention: The person who can't stop sharing pics of their baby, the person who does a running commentary of whatever show/sporting event/award show (I'm guilty again), the girls who do those stupid "breast cancer awareness" games (how exactly is posting your bra color making anyone aware of cancer if nobody even knows what it means?)


  1. How about the facebook person who tags you in pictures you aren't in?

  2. How about those constantly posting about how drunk they are? Even more cringe worthy if they're out of college and nearing their 30's.

    How about the philosophical assholes that post quotes that are supposed to somehow enlighten the rest of FB?

    How about the every hour status updater? Those that feel the need to share every detail of their life.

    And what about the unwarranted advice givers?

  3. I am guilty of many of these annoyances.



  5. Power, don't you know that using all caps makes people think you're yelling at people?

    And can you write some better blog entries?

    Throwing Up is a Good for Weight Loss;
    No Snacky Snacky: Peanuts Are a Hundred Calories Each;
    Sure Running Burns More Calories, But I'd Much Rather Starve Myself and Lift to Stay Cut
    kind of sucked, and made me sad.

  6. @ Mark, there's a lot more that I missed. We could probably write a book on annoying FB statuses. Why did you create this???

  7. I'm going to bed now, hope my headache goes away!


  9. Haha. Glad you take it all in stride.

  10. Every girl on FacebookSeptember 15, 2011 at 4:51 PM

    OMGGG I'm SOOOOOOOO Tired and hungry!!LOLOLO

  11. What about the complaints? FB sux because of upgrade X. Who gives a rat's ass, if you don't like it, sign out. On that note, the like button and the desire to have the dislike button. Oh my kid took a dump at 12, please click like. Give me a break.