Sunday, June 26, 2011

Weapon of the Week: Made from The Best Stuff On Earth

Disclaimer: PTU, Johnny Bagels or any of PTU's contributors or advertisers do not condone violence but do love the great taste of Snapple products.

We've all been in this situation before: The inconsiderate perp driving the Acura to the right of you decides to cut you off without once thinking about your rightful place as the alpha dog of the street. You can:

A) Swallow your pride and anger like a spineless pussy, not say anything and take it out later on your child, spouse or dog.

B) Honk your horn at this jerk, drive up alongside and flip the bird at him then drive off muttering to yourself how lucky he is that he's in that car and you're not within ass whipping distance of each other.

C) Grab the nearest weapon and make him wish he would've used that Metrocard that morning.

All the real G's know the correct answer is C. You won't be able to look at yourself in the mirror if this guy isn't taught some manners, but driving with a real weapon like a gun, boxcutter or nunchukas is frowned upon by the boys in blue. What to do? Grab that empty kiwi strawberry bottle in the cup holder next to your change and make like Randy Johnson is what you do, tough guy. That fat lady might have seemed jovial and friendly enough on TV but, believe me, she was no joke. What might seem like a tasty, refreshing alternative to Arizona or Lipton is actually a sweet and sometimes sour tool of destruction with a whimsical, ambiguously truthful trivia fact on each cap about penguins or Zamboni machines.

The violent uses of Wendy's favorite beverage are as plentiful as the real fruit flavors in every sip. If your enemy is silly enough to get out of the safety of his vehicle, simply run up to him and smack him across the face like the tangy flavors of Mango Madness smack your taste buds. Or, break the bottle in half and get all stabby. Your mark isn't budging from his vehicle or your simply a fan of the old reliable drive-by? Not a problem, the Diet Plum-a-granate will save you some calories along with providing you a quick make-shift projectile that will break the windshield or window of any poor sap's car speeding frantically away. You think Billy Bad-ass in the next lane might think twice about passing you the next time? You can bet your Snapple-loving ass. The old fashioned type? Grab a classic Lemon Iced Tea (Peach is for women), and quench your thirst for revenge. You'll be glad you did.


  1. Peach Iced Tea is the bomb and you know it.

  2. Raspberry is good once in a while.

  3. Bagels, you cannot continue to miss our therapy sessions.

  4. Cranberry Raspberry is my favorite. Peach is lame.

  5. I actually saw two guys fighting in the street with snapple bottles today that's where this came from, I haven't actually done this. We can cancel our session today.