Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Top 5 Murderer Athletes

One time Laker Javaris Crittenton was back in the news again this week, and again it was for something thuggish. He may have been little more than a footnote in Laker history as the guy who was traded for Pau Gasol along with Pau's brother Marc, if not for his love for guns. You might remember him as the other party involved in the Gilbert Arenas locker room mess a couple years back, and with this week's news it seems like he's not just into flashing steel to scare boo-ray playing team-mates but he knows how to use his weapon as well. Of course, here in America everyone is innocent until proven guilty and these are just alleged charges against Javaris, but there have been many athletes through out the years who are actual soulless, cold blooded killers. Let's take a look at a handful of homicidal professional athletes:

5) Rae Carruth

Rae was only convicted of conspiracy to murder his pregnant stripper girlfriend, but even though he didn't actually pull the trigger, hiring a mentally unstable goon to shoot at your girlfriend to avoid child support payments, then sitting in the drivers seat as he shot at her, and then hiding in a trunk for 3 days to evade police makes you a murderer in my book. That hiding in the trunk part is one of the dumber moves by a fugitive of the law of any kind, whether he played sports for a living or is just your run of the mill baby mother slayer.

4) Jayson Williams

For much of the 90s, Jayson Williams was a wise cracking, rebounding class clown for St.Johns and then the Nets. Just take a look at that Slam cover up there; if you had to guess which of those fools would eventually catch a murder charge he would be your fourth guess after the guy with the warped alien head, the Mormon making the tough wigger face at the camera, and Kerry Kittles (Kendall Gill doesn't look very murderous). Williams was the funniest of any of the guys named Jayson (or Jason) Williams to ever play in the NBA, and he was more like the funny Puerto Rican guy at your job that sometimes drinks too much at Christmas parties and tells dirty jokes that make people uncomfortable. Unfortunately for Jayson and his wife, his drunken party jokes got a little too wild at the "Who Knew?" Estate in New Jersey and he ended up killing his driver while doing TRICKS WITH A SHOTGUN. Who knew?

3) Robert Rozier

I wasn't really familiar with Rozier's story until M@d $cientist told me about him in my research for this post. He didn't have a long professional athletic career, but he might be the craziest and most dangerous person to ever play in the NFL (and that's saying something in a league that's employed Hershel Walker, Pacman Jones, Mark Gastineau, Lawrence Phillips, Lawrence Taylor as well as other homicidal maniacs who will appear later on this list). After an unremarkable six games in the league, Rozier messed his career up by using drugs and committing petty crimes before eventually joining a radical cult founded by Yahweh Ben Yahweh. Under the inappropriate name "Temple of Love", Rozier and the rest of the kooky followers promoted their silly agenda about the original black man and their higher level of knowledge and understanding of self by MURDERING AS MANY WHITE PEOPLE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. OJ doesn't have shit on this guy when it comes to murdering white people.

2)Hiroshi Ogawa

Yeah, I'd never heard of him either. But he belongs on this list as much as anyone despite his anonymity in America. Ogawa, a one time player and assistant coach for the Chiba Lotte Marines of Japan's Pacific league seen above with Bobby Valentine, had some money problems later in life. In order to solve this issue he didn't call the Money Tree, or seek employment in the States like some of his counterparts. He attempted to rob a 67 year old woman, and then pushed her down a flight of stairs, put her in his trunk in a steel coffin and dumped the car into a river, earning him about 1.75 million yen and a spot on PTU's murderer's row.

1) OJ Simpson

The Babe Ruth of murderous athletes, no man has become more synonymous with murder than Orenthal James Simpson. The one time USC and Buffalo Bills star turned Hertz spokesman and actor (his role in Naked Gun is great, and his SNL hosting is available on Netflix if you like to see murderers act in sketches with Bill Murray) briefly became the most famous fugitive from the law and eventually became the most famous defendant in sports and maybe US history. The crime he was accused of was grisly, maybe not to the degree of the previous two guys on the list, but there's never been a sports figure who was as prominent a figure as OJ was who ended up being on trial for murder. We all know what happened from there, the country was obsessed with his trial for months, turning everyone involved into celebrities, from the lawyers on both sides (Johnny Cochran and Kim Kardashian's father amongst others) to goof ball witnesses like OJ's layabout stoner housemate Kato Kaelin and ex ballers like AC Cowlings, and eventually it all ended in a televised Not Guilty verdict resulting in outrage by most and celebrations by some. I remember a tv being wheeled into my 8th grade social studies class so we could all see this live. 35 8th graders were very happy that a man was found not guilty of slitting his ex wife and her lover's throat. Not sure why. No one's doing cartwheels in the street now as OJ sits in a jail cell for an unrelated incident involving some of his memorabilia and a hotel room, most likely contemplating karma or something.

Congratulations, Juice. The number one PTU murdering athlete.


  1. Robert Rozier is a scary dude, please don't kill me Mr Rozier.