Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Can We All Stop Saying Helen Mirren is So Damn Sexy?

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but there's certain women who everyone can agree on being the standard bearers for hotness in our current society. Every year when People magazine or Maxim or whoever releases their top 50 sexiest people, the usual suspects make the list (granted, this changes every few years depending on career trajectories and other factors but for the most part, you know who's making the cut). Occasionally, though, these lists of the ultimate sex objects, the most desirable females on the planet, sometimes try to get too cute or inclusive and we end up with some odd choices. Case in point: Helen freaking Mirren.

I'm not hating on Helen, she's a very attractive older woman, maybe the most attractive woman over 60 alive today. But have you ever been hanging out having a couple beers with a friend, who said "you know who I want to bang so bad? Jesus, that old lady who played Queen Elizabeth in that movie my girlfriend made us rent. OH MY GOD, SHE IS HOT"? If this has happened to you, you should probably ask him to stop being such a sarcastic asshole or you should stop hanging out with your grandpa so much. Mirren turned 66 last week and, God bless her, she's in tremendous shape for someone who was born during World War II, but the most SEXY WOMAN IN THE WORLD??? Jennifer Lopez being named sexiest woman by People Magazine was met with snickers for being too old and she's 20 years younger. It's nice that British society can see past age and all that, but these stupid polls aren't graded on a curve. What's the point of the poll unless it's representative of how people actually feel? Why not ask who's the sexiest left handed woman or hottest French Canadian? And this isn't just a British polling anomaly (where many of their women look like this). No, our very own Esquire Magazine (the authority on sexy women and what watch to wear with a seersucker suit), ran this piece a little while back. And now, an LA Fitness poll said she had the best body IN THE WORLD. It's the media equivalent of telling your buddy's grandmother she should be on Dancing With The Stars because she can still do the Charleston at weddings and say with a chuckle to her "if I weren't already married...". After Helen Mirren leaves the room, can we all go back to talking about the hot bridesmaid who had one too many shots of Jameson though? Sexiest woman over 60 is a bit like best dunker in an all white basketball league or best black swimmer; it's a small field. But we over rate any elder who doesn't look like Jessica Tandy as somehow sexier than Mila Kunis. One reason for this is (as Hater J pointed out) women want to be equal with men in everything, and one way is defeating the "double standard" that feminists are always going on about, that is that men age well and they don't. If it's good enough for Richard Gere, why not us? Sorry, sister, I'm all for gender equality, but facts are facts. It's also a coping mechanism for women, that if Mirren can be foxy waaay past 50, so can they. And that's true, but it doesn't make you better than the pretty, young things. Yao Ming was a great Chinese basketball player (the best ever) but I wouldn't over rate him as the best basketball player ever.

I'm fine with Helen Mirren: sexiest woman in the world (for an old broad), but if the parentheses are missing than I no longer take any stock in meaningless polls conducted by British newspapers I've never heard of. I never thought I'd see that day.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. My cpu went ballistic and i ended up deleting the above, which read:

    The reason older men have been considered sexy is because women generally seem to agree with it. Natural selection dictates that I like women with vitality, as it dictates that women should like men that will provide stability.

    Women can't seem to understand that men are more shallow than they are, and I say that without shame, because let's face it: beauty, for the most part, is not skin deep.

  3. yea but you'll die sooner

  4. Men die sooner because we want to.

  5. Yeah, sucks to be a woman.

  6. Fuck you Sean Connery!