Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The New Marvel Superheroes

The biggest news in geek world today (big enough to overshadow the Apple Icloud and the 5 or 6 super nerdy movies in theatres now) is the unveiling of the newest incarnation of Spiderman that Marvel is forcing on the 5 or 6 people who still care about such things. And the kicker here that has gotten some attention is Spiderman is a half black, half latino kid from Brooklyn. Confusing you say? Well, yes it is. Apparently, Marvel has two universes. The actual comic universe that we're all familiar with and then this wacky Ultimate universe where anything goes. Up is down, left is right, and beloved characters like Peter Parker are killed by the Green Goblin and temporarily replaced by black kids from Brooklyn. Since this is an alternate universe, it gives the writers freedom to do all the silly stuff they'd always wanted to with these characters without pissing off Stan Lee and the real life comic nerds too much, as well as providing positive role models and diversity that's sadly been missing from comics for too long.

Here at PTU, we've been treated to a sneak peek at some of the other ideas that Marvel has cooked up for their Ultimate lines. Check it out:

Chinese Captain America:
Hoping to capitalize on the big-screen success of the Captain, Marvel is unleashing this alternate version. Huang Lee (a nod to Stan), an I.T. consultant at Royal Bank of Canada by day, and patriotic defender of Justice by night and on his lunch breaks. There's already tremendous buzz about the 10 issue story arc involving Captain America's Xbox online adventures in which he plays Halo for 4 days straight.

Dominican Hulk:
Bruce Banner has died in a hang gliding accident, leaving the door open for a new Incredible Hulk: Junior Ramirez, a mild mannered bachata singer from Washington Heights, who accidentally eats a gamma ray infused platano becoming the Incredible Hulks. Que lo que!

Pakistani Iron Man:
Tony Stark is hit by lightning, meaning no one can save us but Ram Saraja, Jackson Height Dunkin Donuts owner and heir to the red and yellow iron suit. Far from the womanizing billionaire playboy that Tony Stark was, Pakistani Iron Man mostly hangs out at Flushing Meadows park and drives his family to Queens Center mall in a mini van. I'm not sure how exciting this new direction will be, honestly.

Down Syndrome Wolverine:
After Logan is hit by a bus, the X-men have to make room for Davey Martin, a 35 year old Bagel store employee with a heart of gold and Down's syndrome, who also was born with the adamantium bones and claws. While he might not have the dark wit of the previous Wolverine, he is really quite good at sudoku.

Stay tuned for more exciting super hero news in the weeks to come. Excelsior!


  1. I'm very excited to see the new Doctor Octopus, Octavio Koch, brilliant scientist and billionaire industrialist. He schemes to take Spider-Man's home through eminent as part of an economic re-development plan. He's also plotting to end social programs benefiting Spider-Man's family and earn himself huge tax cuts by utilizing numeous political action committees. Truly evil. Unfortunately, he doesn't have any robotic arms.

  2. I read that entire comment in the Simpsons comic book guy voice in my head. Worst post ever.

  3. Captain America doesn't have a day job, he collects welfare.