Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Did you all feel that? If you're in New York or the D.C. area, you probably did. It wasn't quite an earthquake, or at least stand in a doorway and pray to Christ that he will forget about your sins type quake, but enough to scare the crap out of most of us pussies on the East coast. It wasn't really all out disaster, but enough for us New Yorkers to do an Angel Pagan in our pants or at the very least, update our facebook status to something witty and topical like "EARTHQUAKE IN NYYYY????? DID YOU FEEL THAT???". No wonder those folks on the West coast stay smoking potent chronic. You have to worry about marauding gang bangers, stray bullets from Raiders games, and (as we have now tasted) the EARTHQUAKE. However, don't get too comfy in your east coast attitude. "What do we have to worry about? That's it?? Fugghedaboutit". This is only the beginning, there will be more quakes, plagues and other natural disasters of biblical proportions in the near future. So be prepared. What do you need to do to make sure that you're not caught with your proverbial pants down, or even worse literally with your pants down when the next quake brings our city to it's knees?

Don't Panic
Like being face to face with a grizzly bear or sitting across from a pantless homeless person on the F train, the number one key to surviving an epic quake is not to panic. That means, suppress your inner desire to run around screaming like a woman and man up. You're stoic calm in the face of doom will put your co-workers at ease and we all know that nothing turns a woman on more than a man who can stay stone faced and composed despite the Earth's ripping apart. No ass like earthquake ass.

Have an Escape Route
One thing I realized after the little tremor was I have no idea what to do in case of an actual earthquake. Growing up the list of things that I was afraid of killing me were probably more like

  • Being robbed

  • Being stabbed

  • Being stabbed and then robbed

  • Getting hit by a train

  • The comedian Earthquake

  • AIDS

and then maybe number 75 on the list was an earthquake. Unfortunately, times have changed so it's important that you pay attention to that weird fire marshall who explains to your office building where the fire exits are, and not just focus on the free bagels that they provide.

Get yourself right with your enemies
Now that you know life is fragile, get yourself right with those who you've wronged through out your life. You probably thought you had all the time in the world to apologize to your former BFF turned mortal enemy. Well, get over it and apologize because your days are numbered. While you're at it, pick a religion because you'll want someone to pray to as the world crumbles around you.

Get Rid of All Contraband
If Curb Your Enthusiasm has taught us anything (and it has) it's that you need a trusted friend (maybe the one you just made up with after the last step) who will rid your home of all pornography and other contraband in case of emergency. Let's face it, you may think you have some forward thinking parents and friends who couldn't care less about your personal business but I wouldn't want to see the look on any mother's face when they see Black Rod, White Bod in their baby boy's sock drawer. That person should also be on call to get rid of all drug paraphernalia and other embarrassing/illegal items in your apartment in case you are seriously injured in the big one.

Wear clean underwear
Self explanatory.

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