Hater J's NFL Week 2 Picks

Last week was helped by a solid Monday night. Let’s try to make this week better. Here go the picks…

Bears (+6.5) At some point, I have to admit that the Bears are a good defensive squad. I also have to come to terms with the fact that Matt Forte will catch 6+ passes for 75+ yards the first few weeks of the season and (don’t worry fantasy nerds, his numbers will drop and you’ll feel better about passing on him). A good team coming back home after a road loss rarely loses. I don’t think the Saints start 0-2 but I think the Bears’ “D” keeps them in this one.

Houston (-4) Miami just stinks at home and Houston needs to take advantage of another weak team before heading out to New Orleans.

Lions (-9) Matt Stafford limping on/off the field after every possession with a healthy Jahvid Best and a healthy Megatron is better than PTU favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick and his crew right? The Lions beat a good Bucs team on the road in muggy September. The Chiefs just suffered their worst home loss in about 20 years. I’m sipping the Kool-Aid for one more week. Go Lions.

Jags (+9) The Jags can’t play pass defense. Good thing for them, Mark Sanchez and the Jets can’t play pass offense. I can’t see the Jags winning this game by any stretch, but I can’t see the Jets and Sanchez blowing them out of the water. Jets fans, please don’t talk to me about Sanchez throwing for 300+ yards. You all know he sucked and just managed to make just enough plays down the stretch to win that game.

Bills (-3.5) The Amish Rifle is coming back home to play a team that is on a short week (Late Monday Night Game) and traveling three time zones. The Raiders will be hitting the “Snooze” button at kickoff.

Skins (-4) Cam Newton is bad and the Cards’ secondary is worse right? I have to believe that. Rex Grossman is serviceable. I expect him to have a big day at home against a bad Cards team.

Titans (+6) This has let down game written all over it. After playing lights out in a high energy/high emotion game, the Ravens go on the road to face a team that needs a win at home to keep pace with M@D’s expectations. I think the Titans’ offense will be better and expect Baltimore to be flat. Baltimore should still win, but the Titans can hang with them for a day.

Steelers (-14) A ridiculously high amount of points, and I’m still laying them. The Steelers need to make a statement after that embarrassment in Baltimore. Tavaris Jackson, you will not fool me again. The two people who read this, please don’t let me forget I said that.

Packers (-10) A week and a half of rest for Mr. Rodgers is just perfect for a huge day on the Cats. The Packers contain Cam and Bottle and Bagels can expect a ton of beer inspired messages bashing their new hero.

Vikings (-3) This game is a toss-up. I’m taking the more talented AP and the home field advantage in a game that may be a push.

Colts (+2.5) Two bad teams match up in what should be terrible. The home team is getting points, so I’ll take them. The NFL should issue apologies to whoever gets stuck with this as their regional game.

Pats (-7) The Pats love to run up scores, especially at home. The Chargers hate the East Coast and don’t start to play until late October. You have to take the Homeless Wizard and his Uggs sporting QB.

Broncos (-4) The Broncos can’t lose two straight at home. I also refuse to be suckered into picking the Bengals for anything.

Falcons (+2.5) The Falcons looked bad on the road, but the Bears may just be good at home. The Eagles looked good on the road, but that may be just because the NFC West is that bad. One big play on defense or offense will have the Atlanta crowd going nuts. I’m not sure Vick is ready for some playoff-type hostility.

Giants (-5.5) The Rams are banged up and were just outclassed by the Eagles after the first 4 minutes of the game. If the Giants are going to give me any hope of winning a bet with Snooty, they need to beat up an already beat up team in “The Swamp”.

Team Cam vs. The Rest of PTU

Much like the ongoing bet concerning PTU hero Kemba Walker that Hater J and I have, there's a new hero that has been embraced by the masses and inspired a friendly (not really) wager here at PTU. American treasure Cam Newton burst onto the scene last week, all but sealing his ticket to Canton with a stunning performance that came as no surprise to Bottle and I (team cam president and vice president) but still hasn't quite convinced the haters i.e. Hater J, M@d $cientist and Mr. D. of his greatness. So, the bet is as follows: If Cam matches Peyton Manning's single season total of 3739 yards, Bottle and I will write a personal blog post apology to the rest of the crew, as well as admitting that Cam is not the hero we thought he was and I will buy M@d the hero sandwich of his choice from his favorite sammich shop. If Cam inevitably gets to 3739 (which he'll probably do by week 8 or so by my estimation) then the haters will blog about how wrong they were for ever doubting C.N. and M@d will be photographed in his number 1 jersey alongside the caption "Cam is great and better than Peyton Manning". Stay tuned to see how this turns out.

Can Mariano Rivera Get Some Love?

Last night, a little past 1 in the morning Eastern time, Russell Martin threw Ichiro out attempting to steal second base and Mariano Rivera had completed his 600th save of his career. And over the next week or so, he will pass Trevor Hoffman for the most career saves in history. This is a tremendous achievement by the universally acknowledged greatest closer of all time, so why is it being met with the same excitement as the season finale of Rizzoli & Isles? Ok, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but in comparison to the unbelievable hype and excitement surrounding Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit, there's barely been a ripple in the media.

Part of this is probably because it's so inevitable that he would achieve this record (or stateau as some blogger types dub these kind of things). As I mentioned before, even the biggest Yankee hater douche bag has to admit that Mo is the greatest to ever be called a "closer". He's revolutionized the position with one pitch and is one of the main reasons that the Yanks have been so dominant since the mid 90s. Part of the reason this achievement is maybe being a little overlooked is the same reason that we don't really get too excited about Mariano's exploits during the season; We take him for granted. He's like airport security: The only time you hear about him is if he messes up.

I know football season is upon us, but I think we owe it to Mo to give him at least a fraction of the hoopla that surrounded DJ3K. When Enter Sandman starts up over these next couple of days, let's stop what we're doing and salute the only number 42 still playing. Let's get some MO602 t-shirts, and honor the greatest closer dead or alive.

Hats Off! Cowboys Fans Are The Worst People In the World

PTU's very own expert on all things snooty was at the wild Jets season opener Sunday. The game had it all: 4th quarter comebacks from double digit deficits, crazy game changing blocked punts returned for touchdowns, celebrities galore (the Jets are clearly the hot team in NY now for front running celebrities), Usher and if that's not enough, this was the 9/11 memorial game so there was even more importance placed on the contest than usual. Everyone was feeling pretty patriotic Sunday, except for one dickhead in a Cowboys jersey (and I don't mean Tony Romo).

By now, you may have seen the video of the brawl that took place in the stands on Sunday, and at first glance it seems like an ordinary Jets game. Liquored up civil service workers stomping each other after 12 hours of downing Coors lights and Jack Daniels in the parking lot. Ho hum. But, as more details emerged, we've all come to realize that there was much more to the story. For starters, that was a Jets fan getting the worst of the fracas from a 'Boys fan, and it's not a fist or even a bottle that's doing the most damage, it's a taser! (the fact that some asshole could easily slip a stun gun into the game on the most high security day of the year has caused a bit of controversy). And that's not just any old Jets fan from Massapequa getting tased, bro. It's a U.S. marine. It turns out, the fight was started over a matter of patriotism (or lack thereof). The un patriotic Cowboys fan refused to remove his hat or even stand for the Star Spangled banner, an offense that I've seen spark fights in mid April Yankee games, never mind the anniversary of the worst day in American history. The plot thickens (or gets stupider) as we now learn that the guy in question is the father of New York radio personality and Wendy Williams lackey Charlamagne tha God (that's really his name). C the G explains that his pops is a Jehovah's witness and therefore doesn't acknowledge our national anthem. I know they don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas and Michael Jackson grew up as one so they're definitely weird, but I didn't know about the Abdul Rauf aspect of the religion. Either way, no matter his religious affiliation, we do know of one allegiance that is proof that he's an idiot with no moral values: he's a Cowboys fan.

I'm sure there's a couple nice Cowboys fans out there, maybe someone who was born in Dallas that isn't an unbearable loudmouth, but for the most part, Cowboys fans are assholes. You've seen the guys that pack your local NEW YORK CITY bar to root for their boys. Depending on their age, they chose the blue and silver during their 90's dynasty or latched on to them during one of their other winning years, but regardless of when they chose to align themselves with the devil (Jerry Jones), the fact is they are terrible people. We shouldn't be surprised at the behavior of this guy at the game on Sunday. He was simply fulfilling his destiny as a member of the worst people in the world. How 'bout them Cowboys?

Annoying Facebook Hell

Facebook. Everyone and (literally) their mother is on it by now, it's origin was the basis of an Oscar winning hit movie, it's available at your fingertips at a moment's notice, it pretty much has taken over the world. I absentmindedly check it throughout the day on my phone or computer, and I don't even know why. It's the strange instance where (and I know I'm not alone here) I get annoyed and frustrated just by scanning my "friends'" statuses. We all have those facebook friends, who you kind of know from that one class in 11th grade, or you met at a happy hour through an actual friend who you speak to in real life, that regularly post extremely obnoxious and self serving statements for the world to see. Like Dante's idea of Hell, there are many levels of annoying Facebook statuses (most of which I am probably guilty of, before you bring that up if you are FB friends with me).

First Level of Annoying:
The Humblebrag

Humble brag is a twitter term invented by somebody, and it is an extremely common occurence on Facebook. It's basically bragging about something about yourself disguised as being humble. For example:

"So gross! I guess this shirt makes my boobs look huge and these guys won't leave me alone! SMH!"

Yes, that is the classic humble brag. It's such a burden on this poor girl to be so attractive to men, and to have such large breasts. Boo hoo.

2nd Level: Food statuses

We all love food. M@d $cientist and I agree about nothing else in this world besides delicious food. Only thing is, looking at pictures of food is incredibly boring and uninteresting for the person not eating it. The cliched answer that everyone gives for why they hate Facebook and Twitter is "I don't care what you have for lunch" and it might be overused but it's true. Nobody cares. That creme brulee or crispy thai duck may seem like the greatest thing to ever happen to you at the apex of your hungry, boring life but, believe me, it's not compelling at all when viewed in a 3 inch box on your iphone with the caption "YUMMY I've died and gone to heaven!!!!". Maybe you could just die and do us all a favor.

3rd Level: Song Lyrics

I'm definitely guilty of doing this a couple times, but that only illustrates how damn tempting it is to post your favorite Led Zeppelin lyrics for the world to ponder and relish in how profound you are for picking out the one bar from the last Stephen Malkmus record that is SO YOU at the moment. Song lyrics are great, when sung by the artist who wrote them. A line here or there that captures your mood or is kinda funny is ok, I guess, but beware, copying and pasting the entire first verse of John Lennon's Imagine could get even John and Yoko to want to kick your ass.

4th Level: Statuses that begin "Dear..."

A particular favorite of females it appears, we all have friends who specialize in this type of status:

"Dear inanimate object (headache, subway, sandwich, pillow), I heart/hate/miss you so much. Love, annoying asshole you're regretting being friends with on Facebook".

I guess at some point this was cute and provided a funny, different spin on the usual "I have a headache" Facebook status, but now it's not so cute. It stopped being funny a long time ago, and has now become irritating and unbearable, like Entourage. Dear people who write these kind of statuses, please stop. Thank you. That is all.

5th Level: Political experts

Facebook is supposed to be a reflection of society and what people are thinking so it's to be expected that politics would creep in there sometimes. But, nothing is worse than the smarmy, know it all internet Rachel Maddow or Bill O' Reillys who simply MUST share his or her's disdain for Obama or the latest environmental or social injustice that HAS to be brought to the attention of the unenlightened simpletons who make up their internet friends. I'm not sure who's worse, the wanna be social crusader, the Harvey Milk of Facebook, who has to take up the cause for the downtrodden and abused by constantly posting links to the New York Times and reveling in his own do good liberal jerkoffness or the conservative blowhard dipshit who shows his own barely hidden racism and close mindedness by defacing your Facebook wall with all manner of xenophobic and ignorant tea party, Rush Limbaugh type garbage. Yeah, there's no right answer to that, they're both unbearable and should ctrl alt delete themselves. Jerkoffs.

The 6th Level: The guy or girl who's cooler than you

A wise man once said "don't act like you're too cool to be there if you're there". Unfortunately, there's a lot of unwise folks on Facebook who like to repeatedly tell you that they are cooler or smarter than you and you should be thankful to get a sentence or two a day from them to liven up your otherwise unsophisticated existence. For example, the twat who updates her Facebook to remind everyone that she is ashamed of her "friends" who like Jersey Shore. Or the douche who takes the time to go on Facebook and ask "who is Justin Bieber?" or something equally pretentious and insane instead of simply googling it. We're onto you Mr. and Mrs. hip intellectual facebook dickhead. At least you took the time out of your busy schedule of frequenting art museums and reading Tolstoy to grace us with your superior taste and intellect. Prick.

The Final Level:

The shameless self promoter. The bloggers who litter your wall with links to their sports and lists blog or tubmlr. Welcome to hell, suckers!

Honorable mention: The person who can't stop sharing pics of their baby, the person who does a running commentary of whatever show/sporting event/award show (I'm guilty again), the girls who do those stupid "breast cancer awareness" games (how exactly is posting your bra color making anyone aware of cancer if nobody even knows what it means?)

Week 1 Picks Review

The Wins

Cowboys (+5) It was sweet to see Romo choke, awful to see Sanchez win, despite playing like junk. As a Giants fan this was the best possible result.

Ravens (-2) Looks like the Ravens took this one personal on covered easily. I don’t know if going for it on fourth down or the two point conversion are going to settle well. The November match up should be very interesting.

Lions (+1.5) Looks like I’ll have to sip the Kool-Aid one more week. Stafford limps off the field at the end of every series, but put up an impressive road opener that included over 300 yards and 2 TD’s to Megatron.

Bills (+6) Ryan Fitzpatrick throws 4 TD’s in Arrowhead and puts Bottle on notice. The Amish rifle and Harvard grad has my 3500+ pass yard prediction off to a good start.

Vikings (+9) The How long can Norv Turner keep a job with his team underperforming out of the gate every season? Marty Schottenheimer got fired after a 14-2 season and this underperforming moron keeps his gig?

Pats (-7) Last week I said, “The Pats also have a douche bag, homeless wizard for a head coach who loves running up scores on crap teams, inflating the numbers of the most P-Whipped QB this side of the Mississippi.” Mr. Bundchen supported these thoughts by airing out The Fish for 500+ yards and showing his Uggs commercial (not a very masculine line to chose to endorse).

Raiders (+3) Run DMC killed the Broncos last year and followed that up by running for 150 yards last night. Nice underdog win.

The Losses
Saints (+4) I didn’t think opening night and all the pressure could produce so many points. I was wrong and some bad short yardage plays didn’t help.

Giants (-3) Bad play calling and uninspired play on both sides of the ball. This should be enough for me to pick against these bums every week. However, I never seem to learn with my Giants.

Colts (+9) Exhibit “A” that Peyton Manning is the Most Valuable Player regardless of who wins the award at the end of the year. That was ugly.

Rams (+5) The Rams looked awesome for the first five minutes. That was about it.

Falcons (-3) I guess the Bears defense and Soldier Field were the two reasons I needed to pick against the Dirty Birds.

Browns (-6.5) Remind me to never pick the Browns laying more than a field goal…ever.

Seahawks (+5) Brutal. I cursed myself all game for actually picking Tavaris Jackson to do anything. Then something happened. Tavaris inexplicably had a huge moment cutting the deficit to two points and making my cover look awesome. I should have known not to get excited. Screw you Ted Ginn Junior...screw you.

The Pushes
Titans (+2) Kenny Britt and Hasselback got on the same page late in the game. Chris Johnson was a non factor. It’s not a good loss, but they showed a little life and some progress. It’s going to be interesting to see where this team goes.

Cards (-7) After saying, “I’m convinced Cam Newton is terrible and this entire Carolina team is going to be God awful,” the kid with fortune cookie looking ears throws for a rookie record. Arizona’s “D” is awful. Cam may not be as bad as I thought, but I have no way of telling. I expect a much different result and better gauge of where he is this week.

Season Record: 7-7-2

Inside The House of Namath: A Giants Fan Goes To A Jets Game And Harasses Usher

Over the summer I was lucky enough to get into the Legends Suite at Yankee Stadium so when I had the opportunity to attend the Jets-Dallas 9/11 game in one of the "Hertz Presidents Circle Suites" I jumped at the chance. I have to give the Yankees credit, at least they don't whore out every possible advertising opportunity  and end up with weird names like the Hertz Presidents Circle Suites

The topic of the Jets is a sometimes contentious one here at PTU so I should preface this post with the fact that I'm a die hard Giants fan but not as much of a Jets Hater as Hater J. I'm going to focus on some cool things in this part of the stadium that I usually don't get to see, but speaking of the game, the Jets didn't really win, Dallas just blew it as usual. Jerry Jones is never going to admit he made a mistake investing so much in Romo and the Cowboys are going to be stuck with him for a while. He has some talent, he is just the least clutch player ever.

In terms of the snootiness level, I'd have to say that the Yankees Legends Suite were a bit higher on the snoot scale. Here is a pic from the suite, which luckily our host stocked with beers, Patron, and Makers Mark.

While the guy who has this suite is primarily a Giants fan, he had some obligatory Jets fan artwork that will make Hater J cringe. Just take a look on the back wall in this picture and you will see what I mean. Would be really nice to be here when it is cold out since you can hide in the heated room and if you go out on he balcony they have heat lamps.

Last time in Yankee Stadium I obtained pictures of the fancy bathroom. Unfortunately this time the bathrooms weren't picture worthy and all I have is a picture of a flushing toilet which I will spare everyone from seeing.

Other then the Cowboys handing over the game much to the delight of Jets fans who already expect their team to win the Super Bowl, the highlight of the night was Usher sitting right below us. We thought about spilling beer on his head so we could get on TMZ but better judgement prevailed. Here is a pic of a typical Jets fan getting ready for the Super Bowl and another one of Usher looking up at us while in a drunken state we screamed some of his song lyrics at him.

I know this probably will probably make the Yankees fans embarrassed....

Apparently Usher is a Jets fan now, I'm guessing he probably hangs out with Mark Sanchez.

Here is one last picture to close the post out of Usher emailing PTU asking for us to do an interview, which we are working on.

Week 1 Picks

Like most of America, some members of the PTU crew (M@D, Bagels, and myself) have joined a “Pick ‘Em” pool. The rules are simple. Pick all the games in any given week using the point spread. I don’t make myself out to be an expert, but I do think I’m better than these two clowns. So here go my week one picks (omitting last night’s game, which I lost…stupid goal line last play).

Giants (-3 ) Why give points when five of your defensive starters are out? You do it because the Giants have won five straight against these bums and the Giants have too much offense for “The Skins” and Rex Gross-man. I also love seeing the legacy of Mike Shanahan deflate while Elway looks more and more like the greatest QB of his generation.

Cowboys (+5) I hate the Jets. I hate the Cowboys. I hate this game and having to pick it. This feels like a game where the Jets put me to sleep after too many beers with Uncle Frank and win with Sanchez putting up 150 yards on 11/20 passes.

Ravens (-2) Like many, I think the Steelers will win the division and will be waiting at home to play someone in the AFC Championship game. But I’m taking the Ravens here given it’s early in the year and the home team always seems to win this game (by a field goal).

Lions (+1.5) I’m drinking the Kool-Aid for one week. I like the Bucs (I have Mike Williams on one of my fantasy teams and I wanted to draft Josh Freeman) but if the Lions are ready to get that last playoff spot, it has to start somewhere.

Falcons (-3) If you can give me two good reasons to believe in the Bears’ O-Line or Jay Cutler, I’ll consider otherwise.

Bills (+6) Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like a guy I want to have a beer with, wouldn’t mind getting in a bar fight with, and someone who will secretly throw for over 3500 yards in Butthole, New York. The Chiefs overachieved last year and are primed for a let-down year. I can’t see them losing a home opener (Arrowhead is a huge homefield advantage) to a bad team, but wouldn’t be surprised. 6 points are too much.

Colts (+9) This isn’t a result of having faith in the “The Bearded One” a.k.a. Kerry Collins. It’s lack of faith that Houston (a perennial disappointment) can cover a huge spread and actually live up to an expectation.

Rams (+5) The Rams looked like a disciplined, overachieving team all last season. They showed the same discipline under Spagnolo this preseason and Sam Bradford looks like he’s ready to improve on a solid rookie year. Conversely, the Eagles have bench warmers claiming they are a “Dream Team” and Andy Reid has cost gamblers a ton of money with bad use of time out’s/challenges/overly aggressive play calling. I’ll take the disciplined home team getting points any day.

Browns (-6.5) The Bengals just had Ced Benson come back from jail (he should be ready for his standard 30 carries and 60 yards) and they are starting a “Ginger” QB. That’s enough to pick against them…I guess.

Titans (+2) I think The Bald Bomber and some “runaway from the cop’s speed” should be able to beat whatever inexperienced player the Jags start at QB.

Cards (-7) I’m not sold on Kolb just yet, but I’m convinced Cam Newton is terrible and this entire Carolina team is going to be God awful. One Arizona touchdown may be able to get you a push.

Seahawks (+5) Everyone knows the 49Ers are throwing this season to get Andrew Luck. They shouldn’t be favored again this year.

Vikings (+9) The Chargers seem to be 9+ points better than Vikings. But the Chargers don’t start playing until late October making me weary of the points.

Pats (-7) I was mad this was the Monday night opener. I was even more mad when I saw what the next game was. The Dolphins are not good. The Pats are. The Pats also have a douche bag, homeless wizard for a head coach who loves running up scores on crap teams, inflating the numbers of the most P-Whipped QB this side of the Mississippi.

Raiders (+3) Another crap MNF game. Unfortunately, I’ll probably place a small wager on this game and stay up until 1 in the morning watching and wondering, “Why does ESPN force me to watch this crap when there were so many other great games this week?” Run DMC killed the Broncos last year. That’s enough for me to take points.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Ladies, Gents, Children of all ages! The time has come for some FOOTBALL! Tonight's match up is The Saints of New Orleans vs The Packers of Green Bay. Rather then bore you with words on how much I love football and telling you how much you should love football, I am just going to break down the game.

Packers are going to win the game, here is why.

1. Saints defense is still Swiss Cheese, Rodgers and company will take advantage of that to the max.

2. Saints improved ground game is smoke and mirrors. The Saints will miss Reggie Bush more then they know. Teams use to have to game plan for him, now the Packers can just key in on the passing game and give Drew headaches all night.

3. Packers are at home. Short preseason + having to travel= not a good time for the Saints and their passing game that involves a lot of timing.

Even though you know the outcome, there is still plenty of reasons to watch the game. It will be exciting and its the only game in town. So put your feet up, grab some brews and chow down on your E.P.H. from Pete's and enjoy the game.

M@D out!

Sandwiches

Who doesn't love the sandwich? Nothing satisfies quite like it. That earl of sandwich who supposedly invented the sandwich should have a national holiday dedicated to him. What did people eat for lunch before he happened upon the greatest invention in the history of food and people? Here at the PTU offices we can't get enough of sandwiches, it's all we eat around here. What are the best sandwiches you ask? Can we explain each sandwich in list form in a sarcastic manner? Glad you asked.

Tuna Melt

I'm not the biggest tuna melt fan (that honor would belong to Bottle) but pretty much anything with melt in the title is delicious. Tuna on it's own is fantastic (especially with some celery bits) but melt some American cheese and you have culinary gold.

Philly Cheese Steak

There was a controversy this past week sparked by M@d $cientist's insane revelation that Roy Rogers used to make the best cheesesteak. This laughable assertion is obviously a product of nostalgia clouded judgment. That or M@d has been sniffing paint thinner. Either way, there is no denying actual Philly Cheese Steaks, be they from the tourist traps in Philly, or just the greasy version served up at Nathan's (don't sleep), Carl's or Zeke's Roast Beef in Bay Ridge. Something about the thin steakum type meat mixed with sliced onions, gooey cheese (cheese whiz if you're a Philly person) and enough grease to drown a midget just makes me happy. (I was in Philly this weekend but alas did not get a cheesesteak. I suck).

Turkey and Swiss

What? Are you too good for the simple things in life? It's nothing fancy and doesn't have the greasy, over indulgent appeal of the cheesesteak but there's something to be said for the classics. Turkey (honey turkey maybe), couple slices of swiss cheese, crisp lettuce and two tomato slices, with a little mayo on your bread of choice is a traditional lunch that will always be the right choice. Add a bag of Kettle Salt and Vinegar chips, and you're all set.

Eggplant Parmesan Hero


Funny story about eggplant parmesan heros. M@d $cientist is so in love with the EPH from Pete's in Bay Ridge, that he froze a bunch of them and packed them in his luggage for a trip to Vegas. Sure, there's plenty of other types of food in Sin City that you could eat, but nothing satisfies the urge for gooey parmesan cheese, breaded eggplant and rich tomato sauce like the hero from Pete's. It's that good.

Sausage or Bacon Egg and Cheese


As Kanye West once said "Why's everything that's sposed to be bad make me feel so good?". As you can tell by most of the entries in my dream team of sandwiches, I'm not really the health conscious type. This being the case, it should come as no surprise that I have a Saturday routine that involves tossing on a t shirt and stumbling to Steve's Bagels in a stupor, for either a sausage egg and cheese or bacon egg and cheese. There's certain things in life that will never go out of style or be comforting. Whatever pork you put in your sandwich, be it on a roll, a bagel, a mcmuffin (dear God yes), you melt some American cheese (a theme in these sandwiches) on there and you have the food equivalent of pure mdma pills. Salute.

Is The Situation Gay?

This season of Jersey Shore is moving right along, with the requisite Ronnie and Sam fighting, grenade smushing and belching. It's all as watchable as ever even if Gorilla Juice headed up Snookie isn't as much fun as single Snookie and most episodes spend way too much time on the cast being lost in Florence. One thing has kind of stuck out, though, to me at least. The Situation appears to be gay. He's not a flamboyant, flaming parade float type gay but he definitely shows signs of homoness. Let's investigate:

• He rarely sleeps with girls since the first season, usually coming up with excuses like the girl smells funny (one time this was due to a provolone prank from the other housemates), he'd rather talk to Snookie on the couch about his issues, he falls asleep, or some other nonsense that prevents him from finishing the deal.
• He's unnaturally obsessed with his looks. There's nothing wrong with caring about your appearance, but Mike takes it to another level of self worship. This might not make him gay, but he doesn't seem to be using his GTL commitment to land chicks other than one twin slut who slept with the entire house before landing in his bed.
• He likes to gossip and sabotage other people's relationships.
• He knocked himself out by banging his head into the wall instead of fighting another man.
• This picture.

Of course, All this doesn't mean that he's a fanook, but all signs point towards The Situation's espresso being a little sweeter than he lets on. Even if he doesn't actually prefer bragole, he has the tendencies of a very annoying, effeminate heterosexual. Stay tuned for further developments.

Who Will Win the 2011 American League MVP?

The baseball season is fast coming to a close and at this point there is still no clear cut MVP. Unlike previous seasons, no one is far and ahead above other players and there is no powerhouse team that is dominating the competition. The Red Sox and Yankees are battling for first place, as usual, with each team boasting at least one worthy MVP candidate. There are also a couple other nominees for the award this year scattered among those other teams in the league. As always, the winner will have to meet the standard criteria of dominance in at least (and preferably more) statistical category and should be a member of a winning team (this has not always been the case through out history, but barring a truly ridiculous season like the Texas A-Rod had in his MVP year, the MVP should be on a winning team). Who's on the short list this season?

• Curtis Granderson- The Yankee Centerfielder is making up for his disappointing first season in pinstripes with a ridiculous offensive year, on pace to possibly be the first player in forever to have 100 RBI, 40 Home Runs, 30 Stolen Bases and 10 triples. He's an absolute monster offensively and seems like a really nice guy (not that it matters).
• Adrian Gonzalez- Another recent addition to the Yankee-Sox rivalry, Gonzo has been hitting lights out this season. A shoe-in for the AL batting title (hitting a healthy .342), as well as the most consistent player on the Boston juggernaut who has barely lost this season aside from their early struggles and a couple hiccups here and there.
• Justin Verlander- I hesitate to award pitchers the MVP since they already have their own award, but Verlander's been so dominant that I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he took home the hardware this season. Virtually keeping the Tigers in the playoff hunt by himself (with some help from PTU hero Miguel Cabrera), Verlander is a no-hit threat almost every start, and he throws complete games like he's Doc Gooden in '86.
• Jose Bautista- This guy has really no chance of winning the MVP due to the fact that the Blue Jays kinda suck, and he cheats one of two ways (or both), but he's neck and neck with Granderson for the HR crown so you have to at least mention him. He burst onto the scene seemingly out of nowhere last season, crushing every pitch that came his way. The immediate thought (as always is these days) was that he was a juicer, but Toronto has also been known to cheat in subtler ways. The fact that his home to road homer ratio is so disparate only adds to the suspicion.
• Jacoby Ellsbury- No thanks.
• Dustin Pedroia- The scrappy little guy won it in 08, and he's putting up comparable numbers this season. While none of his numbers are very flashy, he's one of the leaders of the aforementioned never lose Sox so expect a lot of votes based on his "character" and such nonsense. That dominant photo above does make me like him a little bit more, but not much.

So, that's the list of nominees. Who's going to bring it home? I'm, of course, biased towards any Yankee so I'll say Granderson's historical season coupled with the fact that he's the most consistent player on a team battling for first place makes Curtis the feel-good MVP. Unfortunately, PTU doesn't qualify as a press credential so none of us have a vote (sorry M@D , you can't vote for Dante Bichette or Eddie Murray either) and I think the deck stacked with Red Sox players will result in the slow footed first baseman from Beantown being your 2011 American League MVP. The superior batting average and the likely first place finish for Boston is just too much to overcome. I'll settle for a World Series ring on Granderson's finger.