Monday, October 3, 2011
PTU Douchiest Neighborhoods in Brooklyn Power Rankings
L magazine, that pocket sized authority on all things hip and pretentious, recently ran their feature on the Brooklyn Neighborhood power rankings. I quickly glanced at it, so I'm not sure what their ranking system was. As opposed to New York magazine (which is also hip and pretentious but at least journalistically thorough) who had a complicated metric system to break down the order of their neighborhood rankings, L seems to just have ranked these in descending order from "where most of their art school classmates are moving" to "where most of their art school classmates are moving out of" to finally "where no one they would be caught dead speaking to would step foot in" aka Brownsville. Taking our inspiration from them, PTU proudly presents the Douchiest Neighborhoods in Brooklyn Power Rankings.
5. Park Slope
Park Slope held down the distinction as the first BK neighborhood to really make it for many years. By make it, I mean make it insufferable for normal Brooklynites to walk through without feeling like they've been transported to a land of yuppie couples, faux bohemian types (fauxhemian?) and of course, strollers. It's kind of a cliche now to make fun of Park Slope's stroller infestation (it's been parodied on at least 2 HBO comedies) but it doesn't make it any less true and annoying for us single bozos who hate children.
4. Bay Ridge
Sorry, Bay Ridge. We here at PTU have kind of a love hate relationship with you (M@d $cientist, you may want to skip ahead). You're still the most affordable safe neighborhood in Brooklyn, and you still provide so many memories for all of us. But you also are home to at least 3 active terror cells and some of the most douchiest fuck sticks this side of the Jersey Shore. Which is worse: the degenerate Arabs who wish they were Puerto Rican and while away their years on this Earth by hanging out in front of car services and McDonalds, hoping to one day grow up to be the next home-grown Jihadist just like their dirtbag parents or the spray tanned asshole with the Pauly D haircut and the Ed Hardy wardrobe that works out 9 times a week to stand around in Salty Dog and score blowjobs from Guidette nursing students? It's a toss-up for sure.
Bushwick was always regarded as one of those neighborhoods that you didn't want to wander through at any time, both for the local gang bangers or the Hasidic population. But over the past few years, those reviled hipsters have invaded East Williamsburg, bringing with them higher rents that their disappointed fathers will pay and the kind of "cool" buzz that gives unemployed organic smoothie makers a hard on in their skinny jeans. Bushwick Bill must be so ashamed.
2. Vinegar Hill
I'm not sure where this is, but it's called Vinegar Hill.
That's right, the reigning champion of douchery, the Muhammad Ali of entitled hipsters, and the biggest reason that Brooklyn style is now considered to be something that looks like this: Williamsburg (or the even douchier nickname Billy Burg). With apologies to Hater J, who lived there pre-hippie takeover, Williamsburg has a couple things going for it; decent bars and restaurants, proximity to Manhattan. But it all pales in comparison to the extreme douche baggery that is on display every day in W'burg. Porkpie hat wearing pussies debating the works of Proust over PBR's and Hasidic Jews double parking make for one of the more annoying experiences you can have in New York. There once was a time that Brooklyn wasn't known for layabout artists and other similar morons, but now you can't separate the two. Brooklyn is hipster douches and there's nothing you can do about it besides write snarky, hate filled blog posts. 2 Broke Girls looks really annoying, too.
DUMBO (douchey acronym), Carrol Gardens (sorry Bottle, but kinda douchey), Sunset Park (perp douches), Brooklyn Heights (rich douches).