Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Don't Blame Beer. The Red Sox Just Sucked

There's been a bit of a non story floating around since last week regarding the Boston Red Sox and their wild drinking ways. As anyone who's half glanced at this blog before can tell you, we are no friend of Boston and it's sports teams, in particular the Red Sox. But we do love beer. And beer is not the problem with the 2011 Boston Red Sox nor is it the reason that they played like a Parkville team in September. As that t-shirt they sell outside of Yankee Stadium says: the Red Sox were never cursed, they just sucked for 86 years. And similarly, the Red Sox weren't drunk in September, they just sucked.

Sucked really bad. But it's not beer's fault. I wouldn't expect pitchers on their off days to not drink beer, in fact I'm surprised all of baseball doesn't crack open a six pack in the dugout. As Homer Simpson once realized, baseball without beer is a really boring game. If Lester and whoever else wants to open a beer while they sit in the bullpen more power to them, can you imagine sitting there for 3 or 4 hours (if it's a Yanks vs. Sox game more like 5) stone sober. It's not like Papelbon was funneling Coors cans in the locker room before he's called out to pitch and make that retarded face (though maybe drinking would explain the face), these are guys who aren't pitching for at least another day. I think we can allow them a Heineken while they sit on their asses like the rest of us. Not to incriminate myself, but I have maybe once or twice had a beer or an entire mini bottle of Hennessy while at work. Did this hinder my job performance? Absolutely, but I'm not going to say baseball players can't have the same fun I did. They weren't going all Don Draper, sucking down entire bottles of scotch and looking longingly out their windows. No, they had a beer or two and maybe some Popeye's chicken and sat in the dugout. And let us not forget that the revered 2004 team, the one that can do no wrong, those plucky "idiots" that reversed the curse. They said themselves in their 30 for 30 documentary that they took shots of Jack Daniels before games. And this was the starting lineup who had to get up and bat. But their drinking was just part of that loose, fun atmosphere that stood in contrast to the big, bad boring Yankees. Those little scamps! It's just an example of how winning colors people's perceptions. Fun loving Nick Swisher is just what the stiff Yankee lineup needs in 09 when they're winning. When they lose, he's a light hitting bum who doesn't take his job seriously like the old Yankees did. Like the cliche says, winning cures all.

So, Boston Globe and people of New England and the rest of Red Sox Nation, criticize the Sox for playing some of the sloppiest, error filled baseball this side of the Bad News Bears. Or for not hitting in big spots for an entire month. Or for letting big leads slip away time and time again. But don't blame beer for your team simply sucking.

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