Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Stop Waiting In Line For Sneakers, You Idiots.

I've said many times that I will no longer wait in line for a few things that tend to generate huge lines in New York: hamburgers, pizza, burritos, roller coasters, movies and of course, sneakers. All those other things usually attract a line of white people that doesn't last longer than an hour, that is with one exception. SNEAKERS. Waiting on line for Nike's newest rerelease of a Jordan or Foamposite has been around for a while - "NEW fuscia snakeskin Jordan 4's on sale at midnight! - and will be for as long as Nike enjoys money and kids in the hood remain conformists but recently the "waiting in line for days" thing has spiraled helplessly out of control. You see it at Apple stores for the newest iphones, Best Buys for one day sales on tv's, and at Foot Lockers for the aforementioned perp shoes. What has happened to people? While technology has transformed our lives so that we can shop, meet potential romantic partners and basically live an entire life sitting on our asses in our homes, certain products still have people camping out for days like the government is handing out the antidote to a flesh eating disease. Case in point is this Friday's release of the All Star and NASA themed Foamposite Galaxys which has some wastes of life camped out since LAST SATURDAY to cop a pair. I'm here to tell you: you assholes are stupid.

I love sneakers as much as anyone (please check out the many perp shoe entries on this very blog) but there is no sensible reason for anyone to stand in line for longer than 10 minutes for a pair of sneakers. I get the need to meet the approval of your classmates, coworkers, fellow inmates, or just people on the subway, but you know what's really cool and makes people envious? SNEAKERS THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS. And you know who has those Jordans you waited in line for 3 days for? THE OTHER THOUSANDS OF ASSHOLES WHO WAITED IN THAT LINE! And thousands of other similarly minded idiots who have taken off from work (ha ha, just kidding) or cut school or violated their parole curfews to camp out in front of Foot Actions around the country just so they can have the same footwear as someone's baby. There's nothing remotely cool about that. 95% of the sneaker game is getting that exclusive that no one else has, not the same pair of kicks that your best friend's grandma will be rocking. That ain't fresh. That's just retarded. Any sneaker head worth his childhood Eastbay subscription knows the key to being "fresh to death" as the kids say, is exclusivity as well as an individual take on a style that everyone has. If you're wearing the exact same sneakers that everyone else has including their mothers, babies, baby mothers, fathers, grandfathers, dogs and cats, and pastors, you are NOT FRESH. You losers need to get your asses on line for a real job that wouldn't allow you to take off for a week to squat on Herald Square and then worry about finding a sneaker connect. There hasn't been this many annoying people in tents since Woodstock '99, Or Occupy Wall Street. For those of you who do have jobs, hurry up and get off that line because the Jalapeno poppers at Applebee's are not going to serve themslves. Get a life, you unoriginal swaggerless donkies.

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