Friday, February 3, 2012

A Guide to Hanging Out For the Super Bowl

It's finally almost here. I can say without a trace of sarcasm that the Super Bowl is better than Christmas for me these days. Christmas was awesome when I was a kid and just raked in the goodies without a care in the world, but now it's all stress and spending money that we don't really have to buy people things they don't really need. The Super Bowl, on the other hand, is the GREATEST DAY OF THE YEAR no matter your age, race or class (unless you don't have a TV or friends I guess). And it's awesome every year, but it's even more kick-ass when a New York team is involved. So this year should be even more of a glorious day to be a human since the G-men are involved. The only downside to the hometown team playing in the biggest sporting event in the world is finding a place to watch the game. Most bars will be charging an arm and a leg to set foot on their premises and eat a chicken finger, and trying to find that right mix of Giants fans and non annoying friends is a real hassle. Perhaps you should consult this stupid guide to hanging out for the Super Bowl

If you're going to a bar, make sure it's a Giants bar. This might seem obvious, but the number of transplanted folks from all those other places has resulted in there being a bar dedicated to every single professional and college team you can think of (besides the Nets). The last thing you want to do is end up somewhere like Professor Thom's because it sounds like a place where intelligent folks gather to catch a beer and watch some football, and then find yourself surrounded by Massholes named Kevin and Sully who jerk off to Tom Brady's Gillette ads every night.

If you're staying home, make sure you have the right foods in place. Stay away from the buffet with all types of gourmet dinner and snooty hors douvres. Stick to the basics: chips, dip and salsa, possibly pizza or EPH, lots of different types of beer and liquour and of course THE BIG SANDWICH. There are but only so many instances in life that you are face to face with evidence of a higher being who has created beautiful things for his children to enjoy. A big sandwich isn't really that unless you're some kind of a fat bastard but it's pretty fun to eat something that's as tall as you. Plus, it's a good excuse to remember that Simpsons episode.

Don't have any children around (if possible). This may be difficult to avoid. If you're the one throwing the party and you have a couple rugrats, there's not really anything you can do about it. But there will be gambling, alcohol consumption, adult language, drug use and fornication (what kind of Super Bowl parties do YOU go to?) and other things that children should not be a part of. Finding a sitter may be tough but if possible, tell Grandma she has a little visitor this week and spare us all the crying, puking and shitting themselves while we try to enjoy the big game. Besides, if you have friends like us, there will be plenty of that going on already.

Don't have any douchebags around (if possible). This one is also difficult to avoid, and may be totally out of your control. You can ensure your guest list will be d-bag free but you can't be so positive your friends won't bring their asshole significant others or douchey stragglers who weren't invited to other parties (with good reason). You know the type: talk during the game at the worst times, comment pretentiously about how they don't understand football or how lame every commercial is ("that was great") or they're the type of douche who knows WAY too much about football. Fucker got Red Zone on Fios last year and now he's Tom Friggin' Landry. Try not to have him around but if you're usually that guy, don't be that guy.

So, everyone enjoy the game. Get shitfaced and eat too many nachos and hopefully you had the foresight to use one of your vacation days Monday.

My prediction: Giants 35 Patriots 24.

Let's gooooo.

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