Thursday, July 14, 2011

Single Malt Scotch: The Adult (and Snooty) Way To Get Twasted

You may have seen a sign or heard in passing, “Wine, it’s how classy people get wasted.” The truth is that, getting wasted on wine is exclusive to the following people and/or occasions:

-Fancy Fun Boys
-Old school Italians who are convinced that the propane they try and pass as red or white wine that they fermented in their garages/basements is the best thing ever created
-Dudes having a steak dinner for an event like a birthday party or bachelor party
-Dudes who are wifed up for the night and having wine with their chick

So what is a dude left to do when he’s pushing or past 30? What happens when shotgunning PBR’s or funneling Bud Light is no longer socially acceptable? What other options do you have when drinking 20 beers a Saturday night starts to make you fat? Jack and Coke aint gonna cut it (unless you’re a fan of the mother of all hangovers, due in part to the fact that with that Jack, you also had 12 cokes). Ordering a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, or worse…Pinot Grigio, at the bar makes you look like a massive pussy. What is a dude to do?

The answer is simple. Drink single malt Scotch. Now that may sound super snooty (because it is) but it doesn’t have to be as expensive, intimidating, or exclusive as you think and there are benefits. The main benefit being hangovers. As we get older, the hangovers get worse. Drinking Scotch can curb that. You don't drink single malt Scotch with soda or something that elevates the severity of the hangover. You also don't chug Scotch, limiting the intake and ultimately, the hangover. All of that crap said, here are some bottle suggestions to get you started (make sure you drink them in a glencairin glass, snifter, or wine glass).

– Glenmorangie the Original (10 year old) – This retails for around 36 bucks and about 30 bucks at a discount store. It’s a very solid whiskey for a 10 year old and pretty reasonably priced.
– Highland Park 12 year old – This retails for about 47 bucks and can go down as low as 40 bucks at a discount shop. It’s a better whiskey than the Glenmorangie original, but you’ll drop a few more coins for a difference you may not really be able to distinguish when you’re just starting out.
– Balvenie Double Wood 12 year old – Retails for 50 bucks, can get to 42 at a discount shop. It is aged in oak barrels and finished in Sherry casks. For those of you interested in a sweeter finish on your whiskey…give it a shot. This is a Snooty favorite, he likes double wood.


  1. I like the Lionel Hutz pic. "sweetest of the brown liquors".

  2. He's a bourbon man, but I found the pic suiting. If you want to try a good bourbon, try Black Maple Hill.

    Also, before aging the Scotch in oak barrels, the barrels are usually cured with bourbon.