Is Eli Top 5?

We do a lot of lists on here (mostly because Blacky loves them so much) but we're not the only ones. Sports fans are constantly keeping a running tally in their head of who's in the top tier of athletes at their sport. Ask any fan who's a little more than casual and he could tell you off the top of his head the top 5 or 10 players at any position, with a little variation depending on team allegiances or if the fan in question is trying to be a little show offy and throw out some obscure player, but there's a general sense of who belongs on the list. I know because I had the same conversation last Thursday while watching the first preseason game of the year at the Slob Den (preseason games leave a lot of time for conversation) and I've had this argument probably 700 times, or however many games that I've watched with people. Next to who's the hottest girl, what are we ordering to eat and who belongs in the Hall of Fame, it's what I talk about most with other dudes when watching sports. Unfortunately, Eli Manning never creeps into the top 5 during these debates.

He's taking a little heat in the papers and on local sports radio over his assertion that he's as good as Tom Brady and belongs in the top 5. I don't have a problem with him saying this, since he was just answering a reporter's question. It wasn't like he called a press conference to claim his greatness. And like he later told WFAN, what is he supposed to say? "Aw shucks, nah I suck, Tom Brady would kick my ass". I could actually hear him saying that, but I'm glad he stuck up for himself and showed some balls for once. Unfortunately, these types of leading questions get even the most modest country boy in trouble. And we all remember the flak that Stephon Marbury caught for saying he felt he was the best to a reporter's question a few years ago. However, by the unscientific findings of the Slob Den, Eli's number 7 or 8 when talking about top 10 QB's currently in the NFL (and we are all more or less Giants fans). The list that we came up with.

1. His brother
2. Brady
3. Brees
4. Vick
5. Rogers
6. Rivers

Then we can put Eli at 7, and that's even a stretch. I'm not sure if we could put him ahead of Roethlisberger (despite what a douche he is) and Matt Ryan and Schaub are creeping up on Eli as well.

Either way, lay off Eli. He's led a team to one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history, and despite his various screw-ups in recent seasons (that slide against Philly last season being one of the worst) and his somewhat high interception count last year (a good many of those were due to receiver butter fingers) he's still in the top tier of play callers, albeit not the very highest tier. Glad to see him showing a little life as the Giants have been kicked around by everyone before the season even starts. Top 10 isn't all that bad anyway.

Say Uncle!

In this time of political strife, wide-spread financial turmoil and cataclysmic global change, it's important that we here at PTU stay on top of the beating pulse of what's current and topical. So, of course I'm going to return from a week long hiatus with what's on everyone's mind:

A list of the best uncles of all time!

Being an uncle is awesome. Whether you're a real uncle to one of your brother or sister's kids or your just such a close family friend you become an unofficial uncle, or you're just some creepy guy who hangs out at the mall with silly bands for all your "nieces and nephews", being an uncle is so much better than being an actual parent. You get the satisfaction of being a parent without all that messy responsibility and upbringing stuff. Just show up every other weekend with a new Xbox game and you're the coolest uncle of all time. Who made the definitive PTU lis of the top uncles of all time? If you think we've run out of ideas for worthy blog posts, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Uncle Leo (see above)
Jerry's annoying uncle who always seemed to turn up at the wrong time was the classic nebbishy old Jew who provided Seinfeld with grief whenever he came on screen. Sadly, the actor who played Leo died a few years ago.

Uncle Junior

Tony's uncle Corrado was probably my favorite character on The Sopranos for the first 3 seasons, he had that great old timey gangster dialogue (My nephew is a cunt hair away from being the boss of all of New Jersey and I am that cunt hair) that was delivered perfectly by veteran actor and New Yorker Dominic Chianese (Johnny Ola from Godfather 2, and he looked old back then). Unfortunately, his character eventually became a demented old bat, shuffling around in his slippers and generally being a sad, old man before eventually shooting Tony during one particularly demented episode. Realistic, I suppose, but a waste of a great character and uncle.


Uncle Buck

The late John Candy is another in the long line of overweight comedians who met an untimely death. While not as universally revered as John Belushi or even Chris Farley, the big guy had his fair share of classics. This might not be one of them, but I still laugh at the comment that my friend's brother once made during the GIANT PANCAKE eating sequence : "This wasn't even part of the script. They just filmed Candy eating breakfast". Looking back at that movie poster, and Jesus Christ that is scary! That looks like the original version of Funny Games. What's in that suitcase, Buck? Macaulay Culkin was in this movie too, just a year before he conquered the world with Home Alone.

Uncle Ralph McDaniels


Tri State area hip hop heads will remember Ralph McDaniels (better known as Uncle Ralph) as the host of late night (and sometimes afternoon) cable-access staple Video Music Box. Back when videos actually meant something to people, and not everyone had cable tv, (you could get it on channel 25 without cable), the Music Box was the go to place for the latest in rap videos, grainy live performances at the Tunnel and interviews with your favorite (and not so favorite) rappity rap rappers. Uncle Ralph has put it down on Hot 97 and various other NY radio stations for years as well. Middle finger to 106 and Park.

Hater J's Uncle Frank (photo not available)
You guys out there probably don't know him, but you probably wish you did. This guy is awesome. Although he's well past 40 (maybe 50) he still comes out to any big or not so big occasion and kicks it with the youngins. Beer pong, funnels, car bombs: you name it, and Uncle Frank will kick your ass in it. He also has a pool at his house and eats little blog reading punks like you for breakfast. That and fiber rich corn muffins. Salute!

Uncle Murda


If you like violent, misogynistic, police hating, godless rap (and who doesn't?), then OH HENRY, do we have the guy for you. Devoid of any redeeming value or social commentary, Brooklyn rapper Uncle Murda is about as self explanatory as that name. He raps about murder (as you can see by the tag line to that mixtape up there: Head shots for everyone!). You know how every family has that one uncle, who's kind of strange and maybe drinks too much Bud Lights at Christmas time and he likes to murder people who snitch to the police on him and run trains on project bitches? Yeah, he's like that guy. He's since changed his name to the slightly more marketable Uncle M but he'll always be Murda in our hearts.

Uncle Phil


Back before Will Smith was a Scientology leaning, Oscar winning, child exploiting douche bag he was a rapper turned actor. For much of the 90s you could see Will in all sorts of wacky colors and classic perp shoes as Will Smith, delinquent nephew to big, bougie Phillip Banks on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. After his mom got scared after one little fight (kind of an overreaction if you ask me) Will went to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air where he lived with hot valley girl Hillary, also hot Tatyana Ali, and another Uncle, uncle Tom, Carlton and his Polo sweaters. Uncle Phil was the man though, he might have moved out the hood with Aunt Viv but he was still gangsta, just ask DJ Jazzy Jeff, who was tossed out of the mansion almost every episode. Apparently, the actor who played the big judge is gay and confined to a wheelchair now.

Honorable mentions to those goofy uncles on Full House (Uncle Joey was such a dick), Uncle Fester and Peter Parker's Uncle Ben, who had to die in order for us to have Spiderman to enjoy.

I was gone for a while but I'm back, so stay tuned for more hard hitting and informative posts like this one.

Lame Suburban Crime Blotter Update

Since moving out to the suburbs I always find the local crime blotter to be a good source of amusing reading. Maybe it's because this stuff wouldn't even get reported in Brooklyn (at least in keeping it real Brooklyn). All of this reminds me of the time when I lived in CT and three cop cars searched for me because I slammed a door at the drunk burger spot at 2am.

Anyway, here are some of my favorites, courtesy of he Nassau County Police Blotter:

• On July 7 around 10 p.m., a suspect in his mid-teens attempted to buy beer at the Fresh Break located at 2736 Merrick Road in Bellmore. When a worker refused, the suspect took a Slurpee on the way out of the store. When worker confronted the suspect, the suspect gave back the Slurpee. According to police, the suspect has stolen items in the past. 
• On July 29 around 1:55 a.m., five unknown suspects stole beer from the Rite Stop on Newbridge Road.
• Sometime between July 22 and July 25, unknown suspect(s) spraying shaving cream on a 1993 Ford at Woodmont Sports Complex in Wantagh. The shaving cream was also sprayed inside the gas tank, causing the vehicle's engine to seize. (I'm thinking the engine seized because this was an 18 year old Ford).
• A flower pot at Napoli Marble and Granite on 3501 Merrick Rd., Seaford was reported damaged between July 30 and 31.
• On Aug. 3, a police officer observed two suspicious males on bicycles near a BP Gas Station on Central Avenue. During the interview, the suspects stated they stole the bicycles earlier that day. Suspects showed the officers what house they stole it from and the victim identified his property.
• On June 4, it was reported that damage was done to a brick light stanchion on Sally Court. (Try calling the NYPD to report damage to your light stanchion)
• On Argyle Road, a complainant observed a group of youths hanging out, then heard commotion outside his residence and saw a subject stepping onto and over his 2006 white Chevy causing damage. This happened on June 4.

Which States Really Benefit From Federal Government Spending?

Football is only in preseason mode and I'm a Mets fan so that only leaves politics and lists to talk about. Given recent events, I've started watching multiple episodes of Man vs. Wild so I can be prepared for the collapse of the modern economy and the end of our civilization as we know it. Until everything falls apart, it's still fun to look at some of the facts and figures about how our government wastes money.

Now to the interesting chart that is based on data from the non-partisan Tax Foundation. To be fair, this chart only includes data from 2005 since the foundation hasn't had the funds to update it (go figure).

This chart represents all the states for which there was a Senatorial election during 2010 AND the state in question gets back more federal money than they pay out in federal taxes. If we assume that a Republican victory was a statement regarding voters interest in a smaller federal government with less federal spending, isn't it interesting that voters in states with a net influx of cash from D.C. voted this way? Curiously, if we look at all the states that pay out more in federal taxes then they get back in spending, Republicans only won about 1/3 of the available seats in the Senate.

So what the hell does this mean? Do people in these states really want to stop getting back their "subsidy" from other states? A great example of this is Sarah Palin's state of Alaska. While it doesn't appear in this chart since there wasn't a Senatorial election in 2010, Alaska ranks number 3 in terms of taking in more money then they pay out to the federal government. In 2005, the federal government spent $1.84 in Alaska for every $1 dollar in federal taxes paid out. So when Palin talks about making government smaller, I'm guessing she is all for giving up this subsidy for her home state? In all seriousness, maybe that is a good idea, but I'm going to wager that most of the heated conservatives in these states don't understand the implications of what they are supporting.

I know this is only a small part of a very complex issue that I've oversimplified quite a bit. However, when you lay the data out this way, it may not be what you expect....

Have You Seen My Bagels?

Johnny Bagels is missing. It’s been five days since his last post. The PTU faithful are stoically staring silently at everyone’s favorite blog about all things Sports, Politics, New York, Unemployment and Lists awaiting a new blog entry from PTU’s most prolific contributor and administrator. I myself am beginning to worry.

Bagels is known for publishing a new blog entry almost every weekday. With no new entries on Friday and Monday, PTU readers were clamoring for fresh commentary on sports and cutting edge lists on Tuesday morning. With nothing new to sate their appetite for lists, PTU readers are beginning to demand answers. Questions swirl around Bagel's disappearance. Where might he be? What might have happened to him? Who is responsible? Does he have any unpublished material? This PTU contributor suspects foul play, but not necessarily murder. Potential suspects abound and unfortunately include some PTU contributors who may have become jealous of Bagel’s penchant for plentiful and powerful prose.

PTU hopes for Bagels safe return and asks anyone with information concerning his whereabouts or in possession of unpublished blog posts to please contact PTU immediately. Blog contributors are standing by. Bottle and Apple are also reported missing.

Are You Ready For Some (Preseason) Football?

The temperatures are dropping to manageable 70something degree conditions, those annoying back to school sales commercials are beginning to air and the Mets are out of the playoff race. That can only mean one thing: the NFL is back! Yes, it was a little shaky there for a while, but all is right with the world again because the NFL players and owners settled their petty differences and we thankfully have at least one major sport to keep us busy this winter. And it all starts tonight with a preseason matchup between the Chargers and the Seahawks. Preseason games are usually pretty boring after the first half (sometimes even before that) but as starved as everyone is for football right now, it could be footage of Philip Rivers tossing a nerf ball around the driveway with his son and we'd cancel dinner plans tonight. After the long summer of heat waves and lockouts, we finally have some football to watch. Get that 12 pack of Milwaukee's Best from Duane Reade, a couple of Eggplant Parmesan heros (if you're M@d $cientist or myself) and enjoy until the 4th quarter when the third stringers are on the field and you can switch to Jersey Shore. Let's get it on!

A.J. Go Away

Another start another no win for A.J. Burnett. Although last night's start wasn't that bad statistically, it's a record Yankees fans are all too familiar with. Burnett keeps it close for about 5 innings while running his pitch count up in the process. He then implodes, walks a bunch of people and gives up a bunch of runs while muttering things to himself as he trots off the mound. Basically, last night's start is about the best you can expect from Burnett these days. The worse is when he can't qualify for a win when staked to a 13-1 lead.

The solution to me is simple. With 5 other quality starters, you send Burnett down to work on his issues in Triple A. Or you send him to the disabled list with a phantom injury. The two pitchers who are being mentioned as rotation cuts are Hughes and Nova because Burnett is the veteran with a huge contract. However, Girardi has shown once you outlived your usefulness he won't hesitate to bench you (see Jorge). And Burnett's record was never that good to begin with, especially with the Yankees. He's had a couple dominant April stretches, and that's it. I would take the promise and potential of the two young pitchers than the slop that A.J. is throwing. And lastly, Burnett should be demoted just for that awful new haircut.

Happy Birthday, John Starks; We Love/Hate you

Today is grocery worker turned Knicks hero/goat John Starks' 46th birthday. The majority of people in the world (outside of the tri-state) are probably indifferent to Starks, but only remember two things about him: his dunk against the Bulls and his terrible game 7 of the NBA Finals. That's really all you need to know about Starks, actually. That, and he was basically a loser who couldn't crack an NBA lineup to save his life, drifting from rinky dink basketball leagues like the CBA and various training camps to eventually the ever popular "grocery bagger" storyline. He was basically Kurt Warner without the talent, wife with the lesbian haircut and of course, the championship ring.

Most Knicks fans have a love/hate relationship with number 3 or they just hate him. A lot of New Yorkers, like my brother and M@d $cientist, listed John as their favorite Knicks for years. We always heard about how he embodied everything that New Yorkers stood for. He was tough, wouldn't back down from anyone (he fought with Jordan and literally butted heads with the hated Reggie Miller) and made up for what he lacked in talent with hard work and grit. Most New York area basketball people will tell you that the Knicks fans will put up with losing as long as you work hard doing it. Lazy bums like the Knicks pre Amare and Carmelo were examples of the opposite type of player; the guy who collected a huge check but didn't earn it on the court, and Knicks fans showed their anger. Starks never had anything handed to him and worked his way to eventually being an all-star one season, the year after his shining moment in game 2 against the Bulls (I still have the poster of "the Dunk" somewhere in my parents' house). But, at the same time, Starks was an example of the type of guy who could make you scream and hurl Snapple bottles at the tv screen. Hot headed and impulsive, he'd sometimes ruin games with his temper (check out Ewing and Oakley's reactions to the Miller head butt if you can find video of it) or his relentless three point gunning. If he felt shown up by another player or he made a couple threes, you knew that the ball was going up every time it touched his hands, for better or worse. He also fed off his own bottled up energy so much, that he would sometimes psych himself out of games. Case in point: the Game 6 against Miami in 1997 that took place after half of the Knicks team was suspended for wandering off the bench, John was so jacked up off the energy of the crowd and all the hoopla, he dribbled the ball off his foot the first two times he touched the ball. This is probably what happened in game 7, and frankly, the guy deserves some hate for it. Whatever being clutch means or if it exists, we can all agree that being calm under pressure is something that all great players needed and John just didn't have it. It's unfair to expect a guy from Oklahoma who worked at the local Safeway to be the Pippen to Ewing's Jordan, but most Knicks fans would have settled for a Steve Kerr at least.

So, if you clicked on PTU today and saw that ridiculous Slam cover (sorry if I overuse the Slam covers, but there just so god damn awesome) you either said "That son of a bitch Starks! I'll never forgive him!" or said "It's Starks birthday? Who cares?"...wait, let me start over. You probably don't care either way about Starks's birthday but you most likely feel one of two ways about the guy: he's the biggest asshole ever, who ruined your youth and if he could have shot 30% in the biggest game of his life, the Knicks would have a championship in your lifetime, or you remember him as a hero of your childhood who overcame the odds and provided a great memory and poster for your bedroom. Either way, the guy is now a Knicks lifer (he works some made-up job title for the Knicks now) and we wish him a happy 46th.

Seriously, though, 2 FOR 18?!?!?!?

Hip Hip: The Sad Last Days of Jorge Posada

Jorge Posada was the back page story after another Yankees Red Sox game this past weekend. Earlier in the season, the cranky old Yankee overshadowed anemic Yankee offense as well as Snoot's brush with high society, when he threw a hissy fit over being dropped in the batting order (this despite his truly awful numbers at the time). Sunday, Jorge behaved himself, but his removal from the lineup entirely dominated the back pages, and once again got the heat off of a miserable Yankee loss (Eduardo Nunez should be particularly grateful). I defended Georgie back in the Spring, and I'm still a huge fan of the guy. Unfortunately, it appears that time has claimed another victim, kicking and screaming his way to mediocrity or worse.

Posada has always been a bit of the grumpy type. Even when things were going so well for the Yankees, there were stories about his occasional grumbling. Just ask A.J. Burnett about Jorge's temperament. But he's also been part of that core 4 (now 3 and soon to be 2) that is so legendary around here. He's a pretty classy guy, who goes about his business with little fanfare, never showing anyone up. Totally fits the mold of the 90s Yankee, the business like winner. But now it looks like his final season or 2 will be endless games of tug of war between Girardi and Posada. As I've mentioned before, the two have kind of a contentious relationship. Girardi still sees Posada as the snot nosed kid who took his job and Posada can't get past the fact that he's taking orders from a former equal (I'm speculating here, but it's probably true). So, instead of the glorious ride into the sunset that was the last seasons of Bernie Williams, Paul O'Neill, Andy Pettite and soon to be Derek Jeter (Mr. D not withstanding) and Mariano Rivera, we'll be treated to endless shots of the moping Posada on the bench while newcomers like Russell Martin and Eric Chavez replace him in nationally televised games against Boston. Frankly, it's a sad product of being a catcher that they don't usually age too gracefully. Even all time greats like Ivan Rodriguez and Mike Piazza were (or are) shells of their former selves, either barely batting above .200 or awkwardly playing first base. Posada's not being mistreated here (although Girardi has to be aware that scheduling his lineup changes around Red Sox series might draw a little attention) since he's been awful lately. It's a little sad, though, to see one of the important pieces of the Yankees dynasty reduced to an unproductive old man sitting on the bench, especially amidst the love fest that Jeter's experienced this season. Posada's always been a fairly dignified guy, and let's hope his last games as a player will see him retain a little of that dignity.

Manhattan Mini Storage Ads Reviewed

If you've had the privilege of taking the subway in New York city over the past 8 or 9 years then you're probably familiar with a particular storage company even though you've never stored a damn thing in one of their units. Manhattan Mini Storage has cornered the market on sometimes funny, often political, always everywhere subway ads. Even if you don't know exactly what they're selling, those familiar ads have burrowed their way into your subconscious. The BIG BLOCK LETTERS and an abstract picture of something related to whatever the theme of the ad is, and that now familiar logo alongside the 29$, free move. What truly sets MMS apart from other local ads on the trains and through out the city is the willingness to push their political agenda whenever they can. I'm pretty liberal (I guess) and I find most of these kind of annoying. While most companies try to stay as bipartisan as possible in order to not alienate any potential customers, MMS knows they can get away with it in liberal Manhattan, while at the same time portraying a hip, edgy quality. Let's take a look at a handful of the more memorable ads to grace the N train and piss off your conservative friends and family.


Probably the most striking of the MMS ads, this particular one wasn't confined to the iron horse, but was actually a giant billboard overlooking the West Side of Manhattan. Again, these guys really don't give a fuck about normal marketing strategies. Advertising 101 would tell you: "Illegal abortion involving coat hangers is not an image that will help sell your product" (unless you were selling illegal abortions I guess). It is a clever visual joke (the coat hanger works doubly for the closet space reference and the abortion thing) but on the annoyingly liberal meter this one still scores extremely high.

5 rusty coat hangers out of 5



Some of these seem like relics from an ancient civilization where government bashing was the norm for snarky hip types. This particular ad was pretty lame. For one thing, the opposite of narrow isn't liberal, and they're mixing metaphors like a motherfucker here.The I heart Halliburton button is also annoying. If you didn't understand who Cheney meant, then you probably won't get the allusion to that. One of the worst ads in the collection, as he was one of the worst Vice Presidents of all time (see what I did there?)

2 out of 5 Water Boarders




Another tenuous analogy involving the Bush administration and how shitty your closet space is. Not very creative, but as annoying to a conservative New Yorker as Rachel Maddow. The manila folder with "war secrets" is a nice douchey touch.

1 Michael Moore baseball cap out of 5



This one's very recent and topical. You may have heard that the gay types had wanted to get hitched but some fuddy duddies in Washington wanted to rain on their gay parades. This ad is kinda straightforward but not as controversial as some of the others. It conveys the message that I think most people agree with these days: Why is it anyone's business if someone wants to marry a dude? Gay marriage doesn't affect you. These are the new school MMS ads that shun the message related image in the background for plain block yellow letters over a blue background, so no two guys on a wedding cake or anything to really hammer home the point.

4 out of 5 Lady Gaga t-shirts



Another new school entry, this one's gotta hurt for any long suffering fan of New York's most shitted on team. Imagine the rage that something like this must inspire in the beleaguered Mets fan on his way home on the 7 train from another ugly loss against the Marlins or some other minor league team. The last thing you need is to be mocked by the subway advertisements that usually provide you with such joy and comfort. At least Dr Zizmore never makes fun of your crappy fashion sense.

3 out of 5 Ike Davis Bobblehead dolls.




And finally, maybe the least political of any of Manhattan Mini Storage's ad lineup, but the one that basically sums up their attitude. Nothing says obnoxious liberal hipster like a kickball trophy, except a joke about the kickball trophy falling on your baby. I'm no stranger to cruel humor, so the baby thing doesn't really bother me (yeah, I laugh at dead babies), but the kickball trophy really turns my stomach.

5 out of 5 vegan barbecue restaurants

Worst Tattoos Ever

The tattoo is a funny thing. What was once considered either a sign of toughness or gang affiliation is now as common as a pair of blue jeans. But, for something so permanent, many people make some awful decisions on what to put on their body for life (or at least until very painful surgery). With fat blowhard Rex Ryan once again making the papers for something other than saying something stupid (although he did that too), we thought it was a good time to take a look at some of the most misguided decisions ever made in a tattoo parlor that didn't involve scoring crystal meth from an undercover agent posing as a tattoo artist.


The Game's Butterfly tat:

There are many things that are annoying about Compton rapper and one-time G-unit member turned G-unit enemy, The Game: He can't rap two lines without name-dropping another rapper or Dr. Dre, he's a proud member of the Bloods and never shuts up about it, he was on lame 90s dating show Change of Heart, and on and on. Possibly, the cheesiest thing he ever did, though, was tattoo a butterfly ON HIS FACE. Yeah, butterfly tattoos aren't gangsta, my mother could tell you that. To make matters worse, instead of owning up to it, and saying "screw it, I'm so tough I will walk around with a 15 year old girl's first ankle tattoo on my cheek, and what?", he almost immediately had it changed to a red 5 point star (a Blood symbol) and eventually the Dodgers logo. Nice try, asshole.

Richard Jefferson's RJ tattoo:

If you've ever heard the Spurs small forward speak, you know he's about as corny as Uncle Joey from Full House, but in case you haven't, just take a look at his left shoulder. Cut it out. It's bad enough that homeboy was so unimaginative, he just threw his own initials on his body, but it looks like he copied it off of a 5th grader's trapper keeper, complete with the basketball in the R and the super lame "explosion" lines around the letters. R.J. comes across as pillow soft (he was raised by missionaries) but the tattoo that looks like the cover to a Judy Blume novel only confirms things.

Gucci Mane's Ice Cream Cone face tat (see above):
Gucci ain't no sucker. He's in and out of jail more often than DMX and did time for murdering one of Young Jeezy's goons over a song. I guess with street cred like that, you can tattoo whatever the hell you want on yourself, but that ice cream cone could make even the most hardened southern thug seem as soft as Fudgie the Whale. Gucci's whole shtick involves cold stuff (his catchprase is BRRRRRR) so it kind of makes sense in a warped sort of way, in I guess the same way that this cover makes sense. GUCCI!

Deshawn Stevenson's Abe Lincoln:

When I first saw mediocre at best Mavs shooting guard DeShawn Stevenson's throat tattoo I thought it was mediocre at best. I figured he must hail from a rough city named Lincoln or his zip code had a 5 in it, or he's a civil war historian. Naaah, he just likes Lincoln because he freed the slaves. Black civil rights leaders like Martin Luther King Jr. or Malcolm X are so played out, after all. Never mind Abe probably gave two shits about black people, and probably secretly told monkey jokes behind their back (this is almost definitely true). I just can't wait until LeBron gets that John Wilkes Booth on his neck.

Kobe's Branding:

Less a tattoo than a branding on his arm from his put upon wife (that whole rape thing) Kobe's tattoo isn't really all that bad stylistically, but the meaning behind it is as bad as it gets. After that Colorado incident, Kobe pulled out all the stops to get his wife not to leave with half his fortune. He bought her a Lamborghini, which he paid extra to be automatic, he cried at press conferences and he got this big doofy tat on his arm of his wife's name with a crown. Yeah, you can tell most whipped guys by the fact that they're carrying their wife's purse or they're at a John Mayer concert with her, but nothing beats permanent ink on your arm of her name with a crown atop it to really stress the fact that your balls have been permanently put in a jar and placed on your woman's mantle. Damn you, Colorado hotel manager for being so enticing!

Tom Arnold's Roseanne:

Imagine sleeping with Roseanne Barr in the late 80s. Her big, sweaty rolls of fat rubbed up against you, the imprint from the stretch waist band on her acid wash mom jeans still visible, her nasally screech drilling a hole in your brain. Now, imagine you wanted to remember this occasion for eternity, and tattoo that fat face on your chest. Needless to say, Tom Arnold has admitted to a massive drug problem in the late 80s.

Mike Tyson's Tribal face tattoo:

Mike is a trendsetter. Before face tattoos were all the rage among rappers and basketball players, they were strictly the domain of the worst of society; crank addicts and gang bangers, you didn't want to run into someone with a face tattoo in broad daylight, never mind a dark alley somewhere. Mike's tattoo has opened the flood gates for awful tats, it's so iconic it's even been parodied in shitty movies that Mike made cameo appearances in and was basically the cherry on top of the shit show sundae that Tyson has become.

The Origin of The High Five: Gay Baseball Players and Tommy Lasorda

Certain things we take for granted as existing forever, even though obviously everything has some type of origin. Saying God Bless you after a sneeze, shaking hands upon meeting someone, or even the kiss on the cheek are all little social interactions that we don't even think twice about, but somebody had to be the first to do it. One such phenomenon is the high-five. From cool to corny to ironically cool to corny again to whatever it is now, you can't deny the high-five's presence. But you probably never thought for a second about who the hell was the first jerk to throw his hand up in the air for another jerk to give an open palm to as a sign of unbridled exuberance. Lord knows I haven't. Just seems like one of those things that's always been since the dawn of time. Imagine my shock when reading the newest issue of the otherwise waste of dead trees that is ESPN the Magazine (I was forced into a subscription after signing up for ESPN insider to read the second half of John Hollinger's stupid stats), and seeing this article investigating the pioneer of the high five. There seems to be a little bit of controversy; there's a good number of athletes who are trying to lay claim to being the originator of the five, ranging from nobodies on obscure college basketball teams from the 70s to greats like Magic Johnson (Magic may have helped popularize the high five with the Showtime Lakers teams, but most people doubt he was the first). The article eventually settles on the prevailing theory regarding the inventor of the high five (at least using Wiki research): Glenn Burke of the L.A. Dodgers.

I wasn't familiar with Burke's story before this article but I must say it's chock full of surprising tidbits, and since nobody in their right minds reads ESPN the magazine, I'll summarize. As the story goes, the Dodgers were on their way to becoming the first team to have 4 players with 30 home runs in a season. Burke, a light hitting outfielder(to put it mildly) was waiting on deck after teammate Dusty Baker jacked his 30th, and in the ensuing excitement, thrust his hand skyward for his teammate who (also caught up in the moment) did all he could think of and slapped Burke's palm as hard as he could; and thus began the high five. This story is surprising enough (I would have thought the high five dated back at least to the 50s or 60s), but becomes really crazy when you learn the back story of high fivin' Glenn Burke. Not only was he a celebration innovator, he was also the first out gay baseball player. Yeah, I didn't know there was ever one of those either. Supposedly, his somewhat open homosexual ways (it's implied that most of his teammates knew) were what forced the talented Burke out of baseball, to never be spoken of again outside of lame magazines and sports blogs. Not only did Burke lead a fairly open gay lifestyle (he is said to have frequented West Hollywood gay clubs in drag during his playing days) but he is also rumored to have carried on an affair with Tommy LaSorda Jr. of all people. This didn't sit well with the old paisan, who to this day denies that his son (who died of AIDS) was even a homosexual, let alone involved in gay trysts with one of his players. The ESPN article hints that it was Burke's lifestyle that forced him out of L.A. and eventually landed him in Billy Martin's doghouse in Oakland (Billy would address him as faggot on occasion, if he spoke to him at all). But, his lasting legacy will always be the high five.

So there you have it. The high five, that favorite expression of frat boy excitement during beer pong or any sporting event, the classic macho celebration and all around non threatening gesture of sportsmanship, and the national punchline for movies like Borat or Puddy on Seinfeld...was first practiced by a gay baseball player you never heard of in the late 70s. Now that I think of it, high fiving is pretty gay.