The Greatest Perp Shoes of All Time

Almost everything is debatable when it comes to rankings. Who's the best baseball team of all time? What's the best restaurant in New York? Greatest movie of all time? Only two things are absolutely number one on everyone's list, regardless of age, race or occupation. One is the undisputed greatest sneaker of all time. Ask any sneaker head worth a damn and they'll tell you it's the Black and Elephant print Jordan 3's, which were rereleased this past Black Friday to ridiculously long lines and immediately sold out everywhere from Foot Locker to Nike Town to wherever else perp shoes are sold. What makes these Jordans so great? I mean, look at them. They are certainly striking upon first glance, and would be so even if they came out tomorrow. Now picture being a sneaker consumer in 1988. MJ was still 3 years away from winning a championship and in some circles had a reputation similar to LeBron James (who was around 4 when these came out), that is a high scoring athletic beast who had yet to prove himself as a leader on the court who could lead his team to a title. Most sneakers at the time ran the gamut from boring to plain. Look at the Jordan 2s and how simple they were. Then BAM. Elephant print! On a sneaker. Along with the red accents to match the Bulls colors and the grey tongue, these sneakers were like nothing anyone had ever seen before. The first design from famed Nike and Jordan designer Tinker Hatfield (with a name like that could that guy do anything besides design Air Jordans?), the Jordan 3s were risky but so fresh looking,For the next 20 years they would be worn by everyone from the Fresh Prince to Basquiat, from Bushwick hipsters to Brownsville crack dealers, these may be the sleekest looking sneakers ever invented. They were released at the time in 3 different color ways and have since been rereleased in all types of funky color combos, but the black and elephant remains the gold standard.

The second thing that everyone can agree on is best flavor potato chip.It's barbecue.

Lamest Sneakers of All Time: Team Jordan

Michael Jordan was virtually flawless on the court. He could do things no one else could athletically, and his list of clutch shots would make even Reggie Miller seem pedestrian. Off the court, his sneakers are a world-wide phenomenon, each release an event in of itself, and the rereleases ensure people will be wearing Air Jordans for generations to come. However, off the court, the guy has possibly the worst eye for talent in NBA history and his Team Jordan brand of sneakers reflects this. As for the shoes, you know the ones I'm talking about: the awkward arab kids in gym class would wear them, and you can usually find them sold 2 for 50 dollars at the local D & D's. As cool and trendsetting as Air Jordans have been, an immediate sign that the wearer has a sense of what's cool (or at least is a Puerto Rican from Sunset Park), the Team Jordans immediately say about their owner: "I'm 45 years old and am trying to get back in shape so my wife will sleep with me" or "I shop at D&D's for my sneakers".

Besides being really lame sneakers, the team assembled by Michael to represent Team Jordan are as accurate an example of his keen eye for talent as his Wizards and Bobcats draft picks have been. While he got lucky with stud athletes like Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul and Carmelo Anthony, the other members of the team were more of the Kwame Brown draft pick variety. The past and present teams have included such future legends of the hardwood as: Ron Mercer, Derek Anderson, Bobby Simmons, Q Richardson and (lest we forget) JARED JEFFRIES. The inclusion of that asshole and PTU favorite is enough reason to never let Michael near a draft of any kind, in fact that might mean it's time to take his car keys away like your grandfather. Jordan couldn't pick an afro. He's got an eye for talent, but it's more like Peter Falk's right eye (RIP). If Michael were to order for the table at Red Lobster, he'd probably ask for no biscuits (try to wrap your head around that). The guys not good at making choices.

Perp Shoe of The Week (Jordan Edition)

I've been putting off posting Jordans as a perp shoe since I think it's well known that they're the perpiest of shoes ever created and I've tried to focus on slightly more obscure sneakers. Plus, I gave up on buying Jordans once they started to rerelease slightly altered versions just about every week. (Pink snakeskin?). Not to mention that sometime around my late teens and early 20's I decided I didn't want to be wearing the same sneakers as someone's 45 year old mother or baby. There was a time when I did actually stand on line in front of a Foot Locker like an old woman in the former Soviet Union waiting for bread (if you see a line of Puerto Ricans on 34th street either there's a Jordan release at Foot Action or an Aventura concert at the Garden). These Jordan 11's were not the first pair I stood on line like a jackass for, but they are without a doubt my favorites.

When Michael first broke out the white and black patent leather joints during the 96 playoff run (his first championship run post retirement), people were confused. What are those spats he's wearing? No one had ever seen patent leather used on a sneaker (now it's used on almost every Nike release). The fact that he was fined by the league for not wearing totally black playoff sneakers like the rest of the Bulls only added to the lore. They would eventually hit the market in the 3 standard (and only real) Jordan colors; White and black, White and Carolina blue, and (my favorite sneaker of all time) Chicago black and red. Sometime later, the "Space Jams" hit bootleg stores at the Fulton Street mall and other shady establishments (they have recently been released legitimately to eager Puerto Ricans on 34th street).