Thursday, April 5, 2012

There's No Allergies In Baseball; Leave our Peanuts Alone

Opening day is now finally officially here (we won't count last week's games in Japan or last night's game in Rainbow City). Cue up the organ, pour a frosty 11 dollar brew and grab a bag of peanuts and a hot dog and let's play ball! Wait, we can't have peanuts anymore at a baseball game? Thankfully, it hasn't gotten to that point yet but this season the Mets and Yankees will have peanut free sections to protect those poor babies who suffer from allergies to that silent shelled killer. You may have heard about the hundred or so people who have died from peanuts over the years so the NY teams are joining many other sissy major league teams in providing these safe havens. Well, all I can say to that is GROW UP YOU PUSSIES. The song says "buy me some PEANUTS and cracker jacks". It's an accepted part of the tradition of baseball. If you risk a painful death by sitting around someone eating a peanut, first of all, your life really sucks and secondly, stay the hell home and watch the game on YES in your nut free home. Listen to The Civil Wars and drink coconut milk while root root rooting for the home team, you fussy little troll. We're trying to get our peanut on here. Charles Darwin no doubt had the peanut allergy sufferers in mind when he fleshed out his natural selection theory. The fittest will be enjoying a bag of Planters and a Heineken while the allergic waste away in their segregated, pretentious peanut free zone. I hope they die and go to peanut hell, where Mr Peanut pokes you with his cane and forces nutter butters down your throat for eternity. It starts with one roped off section, next the entire stadium will be peanutless, and then where does it all end? No hot dogs for the pork averse? Only soy ice cream served in little helmets? That peanuts guy who works in the bleachers that looks like Pedro Martinez and throws behind the back passes to customers will be out of work. Where does it stop?? Even if you can't eat nuts, grow some and quit complaining.

Anyway, play ball and let's go Yankees! See you at the ballpark.

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