Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Things To Do on a January Sunday if you’re a Marxist

It’s that time of year when men who are “not into sports” hide away in their [legitimate] man-caves, albeit feeling illegitimate as a man. I should know, I've traditionally counted myself among their ranks.

It’s easy to spot one of us by The 3 tell-tale signs:
  1. Shows up to the bar/party during an important and tense part of the game and thinks the silence indicates someone important just died.
  2. Orders/Encourages shots before halftime.
  3. Misuses valuable commercial-break time to try and have conversation about how much he hates the Kardashians. (This is actually 3 things in 1)
Here are some suggestions for the downtrodden
  1. Plan a romantic Valentine’s Day
  2. Go to the gym
  3. Work on a hobby
  4. Take the girlfriend…
…WAIT… Something does NOT feel right about this list…

Here are REALISTIC suggestions for the downtrodden
1. Host a Gameday party. 

No one will look at you weird for not knowing that the whos-a-whats are playing the what-cha-call-its during the AFC Championship because you’re catering to their nutritional vices

Play re-runs of Game of Thrones after the game/between games. 

2. Learn to roll a cigar to impress them later.

3. Play a video game. 
Host a TECMO-Bowl Tournament with the teams that will be playing that day.

4. Go Snowboarding.

5. Make up ridiculous facts that will inevitably start conversation. 

My personal favorite:
Did you know that the Miami Dolphins were named after Dolph Lundgren?

6. Last, but not least: Place Money on a game!
If you’re a highly adaptive rascal like me 
(how else can a Communist survive in America?),
you might consider betting on a game to get into it. Trust me. 
!This even works with golf! 
There’s no better motivator to learn something than thought of the mob leaving a horsehead on your newly purchased Temper-pedic.

!!!Oh, wait!!! What’s this???
A slight variant on this is to bet your girlfriend’s money to get her into watching the game as well. 

Side note:
Although there might be better ways to get your fling/girlfriend/spouse into a game, 
I wouldn’t know any of them. 
I don't wish to know of any of them either.
I’ve seen what happens to men who dabble in the dark arts.

Some of you may be thinking: 
“Marx, what if I’m someone who doesn't like any of those things listed like: partying, socializing, playing video games, joking around, or taking a mobster's money?”

My response to the Capitalist who says that would be: DUDE! Get a life.

Marxist. Out.

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