Bottle Got It Wrong

I disagree with Bottle’s picks (shocker)….

In The AL

MVP – Robbie Cano (A-Rod isn’t the best player on his own team…how can he be MVP?)

Cy Young – Jon Lester (He’s very good, and I painfully tip my hat)

East – Yanks – They bring back the same team that struggled against Lee in the ALCS (less Andy Pettite). You can almost see them trading Banuelos for a quality lefty to fill in that 2nd/3rd spot. There is no pressure, a better rotation than credited, and better bullpen than rival Red Sox.

Wildcard – Red Sox - They made some great signings to make up for the losses of Martinez and Beltre…but the issues they had last year haven’t really been addressed. Papelbon is still closing games and that’s not a good thing.

Central – White Sox - They made a great push last year and have good young arms. I see Pavano taking his big payday and doing a “Pavano” this year and mailing it in sometime in the next 2 weeks.

West – Texas - You could have picked almost anyone in the West and had an argument given its fairly wide open. But picking Seattle is sort of like picking the handicapped kid for a pickup basketball game. It’s a nice thought, makes them feel good about themselves, but you don’t really expect for it to translate into a win for you.

Yanks beat White Sox

Sox beat Rangers

Yanks beat Sox

In The NL

MVP – Albert Pujols (makes a case for mo’ money)

Cy Young – Clayton Kershaw (he’ll settle down after a loss tonight)

East – Phillies ARGUABLY best staff in baseball…remember that San Fran can still pitch. They should win the division easily.

Central – Reds – They have the most keeping it real second basemen in the game, last year’s MVP, and a dude who throws over 100 MPH. I’m in

Wild Card – St. Louis They have good pitching and although they lost Wainwright, they still have a good enough rotation to compete. If Pujols is going to win the MVP...they need to get into the playoffs.

West – Giants They still can’t score runs, but not many in the West can. All they have to do is make the playoffs. No one wants to face this team there.

Giants beat Reds

Phillies beat Cards

Giants beat Phillies

And in the highest rated WS of all time – Yanks beat Giants

Perp Shoe of The Week (Jordan Edition)

I've been putting off posting Jordans as a perp shoe since I think it's well known that they're the perpiest of shoes ever created and I've tried to focus on slightly more obscure sneakers. Plus, I gave up on buying Jordans once they started to rerelease slightly altered versions just about every week. (Pink snakeskin?). Not to mention that sometime around my late teens and early 20's I decided I didn't want to be wearing the same sneakers as someone's 45 year old mother or baby. There was a time when I did actually stand on line in front of a Foot Locker like an old woman in the former Soviet Union waiting for bread (if you see a line of Puerto Ricans on 34th street either there's a Jordan release at Foot Action or an Aventura concert at the Garden). These Jordan 11's were not the first pair I stood on line like a jackass for, but they are without a doubt my favorites.

When Michael first broke out the white and black patent leather joints during the 96 playoff run (his first championship run post retirement), people were confused. What are those spats he's wearing? No one had ever seen patent leather used on a sneaker (now it's used on almost every Nike release). The fact that he was fined by the league for not wearing totally black playoff sneakers like the rest of the Bulls only added to the lore. They would eventually hit the market in the 3 standard (and only real) Jordan colors; White and black, White and Carolina blue, and (my favorite sneaker of all time) Chicago black and red. Sometime later, the "Space Jams" hit bootleg stores at the Fulton Street mall and other shady establishments (they have recently been released legitimately to eager Puerto Ricans on 34th street).

2011 Baseball Predictions

Yeah, big surprise. The team that spent a crapload of money to sign a bunch of all-star pitchers is going to beat the rest of the league. The other team that spent zillions of dollars, the Red Sox, will come in second. Eighty percent of the teams will have no shot at all, with their puny salaries which amount to roughly what the Yankees spend on cleaning supplies. Anyway, here's how the 2011 season will play out:

AL Playoff Teams:

Red Sox
Twins
Seattle
Yankees (Wild Card)

NL Playoff Teams:

Phillies
San Fran
Cubs
Cincinnati (Wild Card)

Red Sox over Seattle, Twins over Yankees
Red Sox over Twins

Philly over Cincy, Cubs over San Fran
Phillies over Cubs

Philly over Red Sox

MVPs:

Pujols
A-Rod

Cy Young:

Roy Halladay
Buchholz

You can count on it.

Baseball Betting Time

It’s baseball season! For the degenerate gambling community that means 180+ days of opportunity to give your hard earned money to the bookies. Throughout the season, I will try and pick a few games and based on pitching matchups and team history. I will rarely pick a heavy favorite given they are too expensive. An example would be the Cards -200 tonight. For those new to gambling, that means you have to put down 200 to win 100 in that game…a bit expensive unless you want to parlay it with another game. With all of that said, here are my picks for tonight…

Yanks (-145) Tigers – I typically stay away from Yanks games. Partly because I’m a fan and my judgment may be clouded, but mostly because Yankee fans and front runners come out in droves to bet on them, often screwing up the line making the Yanks “expensive”. Today isn’t one of those days. Sabathia and the underdog Yanks have a little to prove and the gambling community is still in awe of how awesome Justin Verlander has looked. Reasons for taking the Yanks are as follows:

CC is an animal at home posting an 11-2 record at the Stadium last season -In his last three starts versus the Tigers, he is 2-1. All of those starts come against Verlander. The one loss comes from a bad outing in Detroit where he allowed 6 runs. The two wins were at the Stadium. He pitched 7 innings in both those games allowing a total of two runs while racking up a total of 13K’s

Giants (-110) Dodgers – It’s an even line with two great young pitchers facing up against each other in an opener. Tim Lincecum has pitched very well against the Dodgers (5-1 with a 1.19 WHIP). It’s also worth noting The Freak’s teams are 7-2 in games he starts against the Dodgers. When you add those solid numbers with the fact that Timmay is way too much of a stoner to give a crap about pitching a nationally televised season opener, you start warming up to the idea of placing a moderate wager on the boy.

As for the other dugout, Kershaw is an impressive young lefty with some gaudy numbers against the Giants. In his 5 starts against the Giants he has posted a 1.46 ERA, 6K’s/game, and a 0.83 WHIP. However, he has only one win to show for those efforts and his team is 3-2 in those games. As for opening day jitters, Kershaw pitched the Dodger home opener last season in a 4-3 loss to the Pirates and failed to get out of the 5th inning.

Scrappy Underdog Yankees vs. Detroit Tigers Preview

Although the weather in New York doesn't feel like it, spring is officially here and that means that baseball is upon us. I'm not going to wax poetic like Lupica, and get all sappy about how opening day is so beautiful because it's a new beginning for every team, fathers and sons are brought together, and maybe for one day, just one day, we all have a little (sniffle) hope. Seriously, it's just a day when most of us will be keeping an eye on one more window at the bottom of our work screens and maybe taking an extra half hour at lunch.

Weepy middle-aged men aside, opening day is fun. A baseball game on every night for 6 to 7 months is always welcome. Today, the marquee teams get the preview treatment from MLB starting with the suddenly AL East underdog Yankees this afternooon. The Red Sox lineup is stacked this season (although their pitching may be a shade below the Yanks) and everyone seems to be picking them to win the East, which is a weird position for the Bombers to be in, for sure. They'll look to start proving the haters wrong today at the Stadium with slimmed down C.C. Sabathia facing off against Justin Verlander and the Tigers (barring a rain-out).

The Tigers lead off with one-time Yankee prospect Austin Jackson and have a decent line-up that includes Red Sox cast off Victor Martinez at DH and one-time PTU Keeping it Real candidate and all-around drunken mess Miguel Cabrera. They're by no means a power house though and would appear to be a perfect team for the Yanks to open up against.

Meanwhile, the Yankees finally made the decision to have Gardner in the lead off spot over Jeter. This would seem to be the right choice for the long run. Brett was a step slow during spring training (for him) and on at least one occasion, failed to score on hit balls that he would have easily scored on in seasons past. If fully healthy though, Gardner is the perfect dangerous lead off batter.

We'll also be keeping an eye on Posada in his first season as DH. It will probably hurt him a little to see Russell Martin trotting out and handing the ball to C.C. after all the opening days that he was a part of, but hopefully he'll be able to embrace his new role. With Pettite gone, this year and next season may be the final seasons that the old guard (now down to three) will still be major contributors. I can't imagine Jeter, Jorge, and Mo having too much left in the tank in 2013, so this could be the beginning of the end (for real this time).

Anyway, baseball's back. So get used to looking up at the tv for the next 7 months and seeing a game on. Play Ball!

Nobody Likes The Asian Guy

Disclaimer: The stereotypes in this post are all jokes (even if they're all true).

It's sad but true. There's fetishes for everything, people have certain "types" that they're into spanning every race, color, creed, size, shape and occupation. But nobody has any love for the Asian guy.

The Asian girl gets more love than she knows what to do with. Black and white guys are lining up by the truck load for a crack at some Mushu Pork. I would say "Asian girl" is probably the number one fetish for non-Asian dudes. They can't get enough. I think it has to do with their reputation for being submissive and lack of body hair (but I could be wrong). Everyone loves the "exotic" looks of Asian girls, yellow fever is practically an epidemic. Just take a random survey of Asian girls and their partners walking through the city on any given day. You'll see more white guys than a Dave Matthews concert. Lots of girls have "things" for Latinos, black dudes, etc. No one has an Asian guy thing. If you see a white girl with an Asian guy, he's probably doing her taxes or something.

It probably stems from the old stereotypes, Asian guys aren't seen as sexy or handsome by most of America. They're always the nerd or villain in the movies we grew up watching, never the jock or hero. Girls like the athlete, not the ping pong player. They love accents, but not like the guy in that pic up there. Oh yeah, and then there's that other stereotype (I tell everyone I'm Chinese from the waist up). Most Asian guys I know don't want to come off as racist, and I have no problem with interracial dating (I wouldn't be here without it), but it's easy to see why all those black women in those Tyler Perry movies that I've never seen get so pissed at seeing black men getting snatched up by white girls. All the hot Asian chicks are with whitey.

So where does that leave the lonely Asian guy? Well, if you haven't noticed, yellow's in. For a little while last year, the top 2 artists on the Billboard top 100 were Asian for the first time. Never mind that those two artists were Far East Movement and Bruno Mars, it's still something. At least 1 and a half of the guys in Black Eyed Peas are Filipino. The number 1 boxer in the world is Asian. It's almost cool to be Asian now. I think if you're reading this and you're Asian, go out and find the first white girl you can find while the getting's good. Let's start eliminating the stereotypes one Becky at a time. It will make your ancestors proud. And if she resists at first, just tell her you're in Far East Movement. We all look the same to them anyway.

Kemba Walker Highlights

Knicks vs Nets Preview

Tonight is the first meeting between the Hudson River rivals since the big trades. Both teams have been pathetic lately, but at least the Nets have had the excuse of Deron Williams sitting out with a bad wrist. You know Prokhorov's guys want this game badly tonight, so Deron was told play or something bad might happen. "Wrist hurt? What is wrist hurt? You play or you die".

Knicks win a closer game than it should be tonight.

So, here's mascots playing hockey....

LeBron Hides?

In what has to be a first for professional sports, an uninjured player skipped the starting line-up introductions. Not a big deal, unless you consider that the player was LeBron James and the starting line-up introductions were in Cleveland. This wasn't your every day, average game between two teams with disparate records at the end of March. The majority of fans who attended the game were there just to boo LeBron (and cheer on the Cavs secondly). The starting lineups were part of the main attraction for this game, and whatever excuse Bron has for hiding in the locker room is going to come off as lame (especially since he said he was in the rest room). Once again, whoever's advising LeBum really needs to reconsider their career. Even if it's not that big of a deal, don't you think you'd want to show how tough you are and withstand the boos from all of those fans who cheered you for so long? Maybe LeBron really has accepted his villain role, and the best way to combat 20,000 people who curse out you and your mother is to not even give them the satisfaction. Or maybe he was just taking a dump (I guess he is allowed that). Or maybe he just punked out.

Either way, the Cavs put on a good show for their long suffering fans, nearly blowing a 23 point lead (Mike Bibby led the charge for Miami hitting a ton of 3s)and withstanding a strange call at the end of the third quarter in which the refs awarded a 60 footer to Bron that came after the buzzer because the clock started early instead of just giving them a do-over. Still, the Cavs hung tough behind their scrappy group of no-names and the new Ocho Cinco (Baron Davis) and overcame Bron's triple double. Good for them and good for Cleveland. They still got their boos in at the end of the game.

Here's video of the subtle throat slit hand gesture Bron made at someone in the crowd last night as the Heat began their third quarter rally. Not sure who it's directed at (could have been one of his friends or family members if he has any left in the Ohio area) but there it is.

Beef Song of the Week

14. Not Rich and Still Lying-50 Cent dissing The Game (2005)
This guy again. Compton's The Game had become a star thanks to Dr. Dre beats and 50 choruses during the height of G-unit's dominance in the early 2000's (or whatever you want to call that decade), but, as usually happens with rappers, things soured between the Game and G-unit. In true WWE fashion, Game and 50 went from friends to enemies because Game didn't distance himself far enough from Ja Rule and Fat Joe..or something like that. Either way, they were very angry at each other, Game launched his G-uNOT campaign, songs were made accusing each other of being snitches and or strippers (maybe true), or being on corny 90s dating shows (very true), etc. They briefly and publicly patched things up for their, I kid you not, G-unity charity but that was probably just for show (Game doesn't look too happy in that pic up there). In the end, people were shot outside of Hot 97 and these guys still don't like each other very much.

By this point, 50 had beefed with so many industry people, and recorded so many beef songs, that he had to get a little creative. After you've made fun of someone's career, family, rap sales, criminal history (or lack thereof) there's no where to go but imitate them in a funny voice. Curtis doesn't say all that much here, but it's the only diss song I know of where someone just rapped as the person they're dissing. And he actually sounds a lot like Game. That alone earns inclusion in the top 20. Also some decent shit-talking by 50 at the end, but not his best. Still, the entire track is vintage "I'm too rich to even think of a song dissing you" 50. (Below, you can see Game on "Change of Heart" in a funny shirt. He chose to stay together, she had a change of heart).

Best Line: "Didn't you say you woke up out the coma 2001? Well, your brother says you were never in a coma. Didn't you say you were in a gang? Well, your brother says you were never in a gang"

Heat vs. Cavs Preview

Guess who's back? Eh, it's just LeBron. Tonight, the Heat return to Cleveland for Peppino's second game in front of his former fans with about a millionth of the hype that accompanied his first game there way back in early December. That night, there were stories of elevated security around the court, possible death threats, a ridiculous TNT opening montage, and eventually a sad reminder to the people of Cleveland of why they were all so sad he left in the first place.

That game was a turning point for both teams. Way back then, the Heat were going through something similar to what the Knicks are now, looking all unsure and sloppy on the court, losing at home to teams like Indiana, and inspiring Hater J and Skip Bayless (In the Knicks' case, it's Bottle and Peter Vescey) and everyone else who loved to hate them. Meanwhile, the Cavs were the scrappy scorned team, who maybe could fight their way into the playoffs. That is, until 5 minutes into the game. The Heat ran away with it, and LeBron could have had 50 if it weren't such a blowout. Since then, the Heat went on a huge run through December, and despite some issues in close games and vs. winning teams, they've been a pretty good team, while the Cavs were historically bad. Definite buzz kill. The game wasn't even nationally televised until it got the fan vote on NBA TV (which Miami gets every week the Lakers aren't playing).

Last month, Cleveland traded away Mo Williams and a couple others, and most of the rest of the guys who played with LeCabron are sitting on the bench in street clothes. If the first game was like bumping into the ex-girlfriend who left you for some douche bag (or like going to her wedding, like the devastated Mo said) then tonight's game is more like losing your job and being evicted, and your ex-wife driving by your box on the side of the highway in her Lexus (the Heat aren't quite Bentleys). The Cavs are truly putrid (except when they play the Knicks), which I suppose only adds to LeBron's unlikeableness. Hometown kid seeks his fortune by the beach with his spoiled friends, and comes back around a couple times a year to kick some dirt in his old friends' faces. When you see what remained in Cleveland, though, we can blame him but I guess we should all be able to understand the thought process behind it. It's still fun to call him names, though.

I think this game will be closer than the last, but still have the same end result.

Perpmelo finally does something

Congratulations Knicks fans, Stephon Marbury's back in town, so is Jared Jeffries, and soon we'll have Isiah Thomas coaching the team again (once D'Antoni is unfairly run out of town). We can relive the last 15 years of toture, hurray! What a great trade!

Stephon Marbury... oh wait, I meant... Carmelo Anthony finally contributed down the stretch of a close game after whining and complaining like a prima donna for the last 2 weeks. After hitting a game-winner his first week with the team, Knicks fans were likely thinking that this was a sign of good things to come. Not quite. Primarily due to the crappy Perpmelo trade, the Knicks have fallen to 7th in the East, behind the Sixers (ugh), and are now in place to face the Celtics in the first round of the playoffs. They've got a good chance.... NOT.

I heard Jerome James had a good game at the park the other day. Hey Knicks, why not bring him back too? Thanks a lot Perpmelo.

PTU Keeping it Real Hall of Fame Nominee: Crazy Horse 40's

While writing about the Snooty beer of the week, I got nostalgic about some of the keeping it real beer I used to enjoy prior to high class beverages like Ommegang. One stands out as being the king of keeping it real beer: the Crazy Horse 40 ounce.

Crazy Horse was that special type of 40 that would put even heavy hitters like OE to shame. Sure you had Big Bear as the cheapest 40 and Colt 45 as the classic standby, but NOTHING got the job done like Crazy Horse. We used to notice that no two bottles of Crazy Horse were ever the same, and you could tell how good one would taste by seeing how much white residue was settled at the bottom of the bottle. Although the alcohol content was similar to other 40's, there was something special about Crazy Horse that would really get you twasted.

Unfortunately, much like the St. Johns Redmen, political correctness caught up with Crazy Horse, eventually leading to it's demise. Nice piece of trivia according to "Modern Drunkard Magazine":

“In compensation for this insult and defamation to the spirit of Crazy Horse, G. Heileman Brewing Company, one of the early brewers of Crazy Horse, settled a lawsuit with a group of Native Americans by apologizing and compensating them with seven race horses, 32 Pendleton blankets, braids of tobacco and sweet grass."


Guess this wasn't enough to save the most keeping it real 40 of all time.....RIP CRAZY HORSE 40's.

PTU Snooty Beer of the Week: Inaugural Edition

For the inaugural edition of Snooty beer of the week I'm going with one of my all time favorites, Three Philosophers from Ommegang. Keep in mind that for this PTU award, the beer should fall into a snooty category, so we will leave out some beers that might do well in a "keeping it real" beer category.

When I first graduated from drinking Labatt Ice during college, Ommegang was one of the first breweries that got my attention with some great snooty Belgian style beers. I believe the first time I came across this beer (and lots of others) was at this hole in the wall on Bleecker Street.

You can go to the Ommegang website here if you want to read all the technical brewing details, but here are the basics: It is basically a strong Belgian style ale mixed with some cherry lambic for a little sweetness. It will also knock you on your ass while you are drinking  it due to it's 9.8% ABV content. If you really want to step it up, this beer is also available in a limited edition cave aged edition as well. If you like beer with flavor but a little bit of sweetness to counter the bitterness (and also like to get drunk), this beer is for you.

Knicks vs. Magic Preview

Not much more to be said about the Knicks' struggles that hasn't already been said. Plus, this is like the 5th preview I've written about a team playing the Magic, who the Knicks are playing for the second time this week. This time it's the make-up for the game that was postponed when it didn't just feel like the sky was falling at the Garden.

So, here's a video of a girl awkwardly singing the Outhere brothers' Boom Boom Boom....

The Ugliest Team Collapses Ever

" The ship be sinkin'."

Michal "Sugar" Ray Richardson, the super talented yet even more super cocaine addicted, scorer for the 1980's Knicks and Nets couldn't have said it any better. He might have been talking about the 1980's Knicks misfortunes (or even his own life and career) Side note: We could dedicate an entire blog just to Sugar Ray; he followed that quote up with "the sky's the limit" and once got in hot water for talking about his "big-time jew lawyers" but he just as well could be talking about the new-look Knicks. Regardless of the fact that it will take time to gel, as the team keeps reminding us, and we all knew this team wouldn't perform at a championship level as presently constituted, there's no denying that the Knicks have been downright putrid as of late. And what once seemed like an insurmountable lead in the playoff race (if that's what you want to call it) has shrunk to a too close for comfort 4.5 games with 9 to play. If I were a betting man (and I am) I'd still put money on the Knicks limping in as a disappointing 7th or 8th seed, but who would have even thought we'd be having this discussion this late in the season? It's not without precedent, for sure.

Since we're all in a doomsday kind of mode, let's take a look (in no particular order) at the very worst team end of season nosedives (not playoff series or single game collapses but teams blowing huge leads in the standings) :

The 1978 Red Sox
Maybe the most famous of ships to be sinkin' (at least around these parts) and is best remembered for Bucky Dent's home run in Fenway on the last day of the season to put the cherry on top of the Sox's squandering of a 14.5 game July lead in the pennant race. The sweetness of this is cancelled out by 2004 (but we won't speak of that). Tyrone Hill ugly (if you're a Sox fan).

The 2007 and 2008 Mets
Another one that is both fondly and regretfully remembered in New York, the Mets somehow put together two of the more awful collapses in sports history in their final two seasons at Shea Stadium. Blowing 7.5 and 3.5 game September leads to their arch rival Phillies made a minor celebrity out of this guy, losing the final game ever in Shea to wrap up their second straight September swoon. Teresa Weatherspoon Ugly.

The 1964 Phillies
This should make the Snoots of the world feel a little better. The not so fighting Phils blew a 6.5 game lead over the Cardinals with 12 games to play. That's Jared Jeffries ugly.

The 1987 San Diego Chargers
This one doesn't get as much recognition for ugliness, but when you start an NFL season 8 and 1, you have to find a new level of suckiness in order to miss the playoffs as the Chargers did in this strike shortened season. Even the Jets would have trouble doing that. Marshan Lynch ugly.

So where would the 2011 Knicks find themselves on the ugly collapse rating if they were to somehow blow their lead to the Bobcats or Bucks or St. Anselm's or some other comparably terrible team? I'd say DJ Mbenga ugly, Jason Kidd's son ugly. Really, really ugly. We all knew that they weren't going to win it all this season (and probably wouldn't even win a series) and I'm still behind the idea that the trade was a positive as this is not a finished product. But not even making the playoffs after all the hoopla surrounding the Carmelo trade would be an unmitigated disaster and would erase all the good will that was felt around here for the past 4 or 5 months. Mike D'Antoni would be hung in effigy in Times Square, Carmelo's reputation would be forever tarnished and Spike Lee would probably jump off the Brooklyn Bridge (so maybe it wouldn't be a total loss). Worst of all, Bottle would be proven right. The Knicks better get their shit together.

Ridiculous NBA Game-Winner of the Weekend

Just thought I would post this crazy finish from Friday night that actually wasn't in a college game. This provides the answer to the age old question "can a player score 4 points in 9 tenths of a second without hitting a 3?".

PTU Dog House

Jared Jeffries

A long, long time ago Dr. James Naismith nailed two peach baskets up about 10 feet from the floor and created the game of basket ball which would eventually evolve over the years into the sport we all know and love so much. About 90 years later, Jared Jeffries (seen above making his trademark face) was born and Dr. Naismith has been rolling over in his grave ever since, as a talentless waste of life would pervert his creation for years to come.

Jared is to basketball what Malaria is to Africa. When Jared shoots the ball, statues of the virgin Mary cry tears of blood. Jared has the game of an autistic dwarf and the looks of a gay giraffe with Down Syndrome. To call him a bum is offensive to homeless people.

To make matters even worse, coaches inexplicably love this poor excuse for an athlete. He's always said to be a great locker room guy, which I assume means he's really good at picking up towels and jockstraps since he surely is not anyone's idea of a good basketball player. Now in his second go-round ruining the Knicks, JJ has proven that he has not picked up a single skill in his 9 year reign of terror called an NBA career, besides standing in front of more talented athletes to draw charges and generally looking like a cross between Swizz Beatz and mushmouth. How he ever won Mr. Basketball as an Indiana high-schooler is beyond me, unless it was meant to be sarcastic. Averaging 1 point and 3 rebounds per game as a Knick this season, the perpetually slack-jawed Jeffries is well on his way to another kick in the groin of a season.

We might as well name the PTU Dog House after Jared Jeffries. Just take a look at the video evidence below.

Jared, go to hell.

The Battle For Uptown Supremacy

For a city long considered the "mecca" of basketball, New York hasn't had a tremendous number of home-grown stars in recent years. While you can find a hoop every couple of city blocks, the southern states have taken over as, by and large, the main source of talent. There's a lot of theories as to the lack of New Yorkers who make it at the highest levels of hoops, be it the all flash/no fundamental games that some seem to label NY players with, or the fact that players from other areas shoot better (our rims have no nets), but whatever the reasoning, our city has been severely underrepresented in both the pro and college ranks for a while now. I'm sure this bothers absolutely no one outside of New York, since they all think we're self-absorbed douche bags to begin with.

Well, for one night at least, the country will be watching three of the Big Apple's own douche bags: Harlem's Lamont "Momo" Jones and Bronx bred Kevin Parrom for Arizona vs. (PTU favorite) Uconn's Kemba Walker of the Soundview projects in the BX, in the elite 8 tonight.

Harlem and the Bronx, besides being geographically close, have some other similarities. While Harlem may be a little flashier (c'mon, Momo Jones just sounds like the name of a 1970's pimp) residents of the two uptown areas tend to pride themselves in their swagger (people from outside of the tri-state, and even some within might call it cocky). And you can see that quality in all three of these guys. Maybe this cocky attitude is part of the reason you don't see as many NY players make it as it can border on uncoachable arrogance, but for our purposes we'll think of it as swagger.

Team mates when they played together at traditional NY basketball powerhouse Rice High School, BFF's Jones and Walker should know each other's games pretty well, but don't expect to see the two best buddies guard each other much (Jeremy Lamb or Shabazz Napier will be on Momo. Shabazz vs. Momo might be the ultimate first name matchup). You might, however, see one-time St. Raymond's star Parrom take a crack at slowing down Kemba. Perhaps that wording isn't how he should be instructed to guard Kemba though, since he has been known to punch people in the face.

Whoever wins tonight, it will be nice to see some New York born ballers get a little shine for once. Hopefully, these three have careers that are more Artest and Odom than Omar Cook and Felipe Lopez. Oh yeah, and some other guy who's not from New York plays for Arizona too but who cares about him?

A Case for Sam Bowie

Why doesn't anyone like me? I feel so worthless...

Contrary to public opinion, the Blazers actually made the right decision by drafting Bowie with the #2 pick in the 1984 NBA draft. Hakeem went with the #1 pick, so he wasn't available. MJ was still on the board when the Blazers were drafting, but, since they had drafted Drexler the year before (who plays the same position), they weren't able to take him.

The 1984 Blazers team had their franchise player at SG (Drexler), and two very good forwards (Mychal Thompson and Kiki Vandwedhe) who averaged 18.4 and 22.4, respectively. The next pick taken, after Bowie, was Sam Perkins. Before Bowie suffered multiple injuries he was playing at a higher level that Sam Smooth. And besides, Perkins had a pretty mediocre career overall. The #4 pick, after Perkins, was Charles Barkley. The strength of the Blazers team was at their forward positions, so taking Chuck wouldn't have made sense. The Blazers were looking for a center. With Bowie at 7'1, they had seemingly found the piece to complete their team.

After the first 4 picks, there were TONS of scrubs taken. If not for Jordan and Hakeem (which is a huge "if not"), this would have been remembered as a very weak draft.

Sam was on his way to becoming a very good player before he was sidelined with multiple injuries. In 89' he was averaging 14.7 points, 10.1 rebounds, 1.8 blocks, and was known as one of the best defensive players in the league. If not for injuries, he may have been a 20/10 player and one of the best defensive centers of his era (exluding Hakeem, of course).

Sam feels very lonely.... be nice to him, he wasn't that bad....

Super Sperm Shoes Now Available On PTU

PTU has absolutely no control over who advertises on our site (well only a very small amount of control). Earlier today I was surprised to see Super Sperm Shoes being advertised here, so I snapped a screenshot of this ad in case any of our readers missed it. Any ideas on what they mean by saying these shoes are the "Rx for Pain"??

PTU Fantasy Baseball Draft; Live from the Slob Den

Break out the UTZ pretzel sticks, put the Milwaukee's Best on ice, and tell the girlfriends to "find something else to do tonight, toots", it's time for everyone's favorite combination of nerdiness and sports fanaticism: The Fantasy Baseball Draft!

Tonight, live from an undisclosed location in Brooklyn, the 1st annual PTU Slob Den fantasy baseball draft. So many questions that need answering: Who will snag this year's steal of the draft Tom Brady style and who will be this year's Portland Trailblazers and take a Sam Bowie? Will Snoot and M@d Scientist refuse to draft Yankees on principle? What's that smell?

Stay tuned for live updates. (That's not actually us in that picture even if that looks mysteriously like the back of M@d Scientist's head).

UPDATE: Wow. I never realized how boring one of these things is. On the bright side, numerous Spumoni Garden pies were eaten and Snoot provided Sapporo 22s. I read two entire issues of Rolling Stone in an effort to stay awake. Snookie really let herself go since 09 and John Mellencamp is reinventing his sound.

We Like Sports

For everyone who says that we post about sports too much:

Savior of Fountain Day

Unfortunately, SUNY Albany's time honored tradition of Fountain Day has been cancelled this year, because dozens of out of town college kids rioted and destroyed a city block. The dean of the school decided it was fitting to cancel a school sanctioned event because of the behavior of students and non-students at non-school sanctioned events off of school property.

Now, no one will slice open their foot this year on some broken glass. Nor will anyone swim in the fountain like it's a pool for retarded people. It makes me sad, very very sad. It should make you sad too, very very sad. But don't kill yourself just yet.

Forty-one year old student, Chris Schewe, has devised a solution. After smoking weed, he decided he decided to protest this gross miscarriage of justice by chaining himself to one of the fountain pipes. This is truly a courageous act in light of the anticipated high of 35 and low of 21 degrees forecast for this weekend. Chris will brave the elements for three days while the campus remains fairly empty over the weekend, although anyone needing to use the computer lab will have the opportunity to witness his bravery.

This isn't the first time, Chris has sprung into action either. He previously threatened a hunger strike over comments made by Glenn Beck. Chris is truly an inspiration. You can clearly see students smiling as they admire Chris's heroism. Witness his bravery in the photos posted at the link and smile along with them.

Knicks Vs. Bucks Preview

What else to say about the Knicks? Knee-jerk reactions about the trade aside, they have looked awful for the past 2 weeks. Even if we can all tell ourselves that these sorts of things take time and they may or may not be better in the future, the fact is they have been painful to watch (especially in the fourth quarter).

Their last game against tonight's opponent, the Bangos, they switched it around and laid an egg in the first quarter before playing catch-up for the rest of the game and eventually falling short. That's 2 out of 3 for Milwaukee vs. New York this season, 1 and 1 since the Shelden Williams trade. Why do the Bucks have the Knicks number, yet struggle against nearly every other team? Their strengths are in the same positions that the Knicks are weakest defensively, center and point guard. Billups (and before him, Felton) can't keep up with Brandon Jennings and they have no answer for the big Aussie in the middle. Combine that with ridiculous 3 point shooting in the 3 games and the Knicks were in for long nights. Amare and the rest should come out with a sense of urgency tonight though.

That being said, I predict the Knicks will finally win a game tonight and at least crawl back to .500, both in the head to head match up with the Bucks as well as on the season.

Kemba Does It Again

The month of Kemba continued tonight, as he once again turned in a dominant performance on a big stage. Scoring 36 points to lead the Huskies into the Elite 8, Walker had his entire repertoire on display, scoring inside and out and all over San Diego State. Even more impressive was the timing of his scoring, pouring in 19 straight for UCONN when they needed it most, turning a small second half deficit into a lead.

Like so many great scorers before him, Kemba used his opponent's trash talk as motivation. The Aztecs were leading by 4, when San Diego State's Jamaal Franklin knocked him over with an intentional bump. Then, it was Kemba time. He went to work, hitting jumpers from all over the court (along with a couple slick inside moves) to put the game away. While he may have tired a little towards the end (missing his final 3 attempts) his teammate Jeremy Lamb picked up the slack hitting a huge shot, before getting a steal, assisted on a dunk and dunk of his own to finish off San Diego State.

So Kemba's ridiculous run continues for another few days at least, and whether or not his game is NBA ready is inconsequential. What he's been doing since the Big East tournament (and what really started in Hawaii in November) is bringing an NBA atmosphere to NCAA games. Even though everyone pays attention to college sports around this time every year, there aren't too many one name players who could be considered the face of the sport. Right now, it's Kemba and Jimmer (and now just Kemba). For better or worse, his offensive domination dictates isolation offenses (particularly late in games) that are common in the pros as opposed to the fundamental team game that most college teams play, which I'm sure will not make College ball purists happy. Want further proof of Kemba's popularity? Check out the cable info for the game and see which other games' description begins with a player's name (or look at our most popular posts). Marketing personalities of specific players as opposed to emphasis on teams is a decidedly David Sternian NBA strategy that is bleeding into college sports too and Kemba's leading the way.

So before we all debate his future or his negative impact on the game, let's just enjoy the greatness for a little while. Hater J, that picture up there is for you.

Why Obama sucks

I know I have written about Obama recently, but I wanted to add one more post about why I'm frustrated with our a-hole president.

Obama has claimed to have an anti-war stance for quite some time. First he wins the Nobel Peace Prize (*which, since it was founded by a Swede and is adminstered in Norway, is really just a way for super-liberal Scandivians to support a cause they want and provide some financial backing) for speaking out on nuclear disarmament. Meanwhile, the only reason he made those speeches was because of a political move against Iran, who Israel is justifably scared of.

Also, he has made many Middle East ass-kissing speeches over the last few years, mainly to distance his administration from the approach that Bush had taken in the past. Then, upon first opportunity, he sends troops into a area where we shouldn't be getting involved, simply to install a presence in an oil-rich (general) area. Sound familiar? Meanwhile, Bahrian is being invaded by Saudi Arabia but we choose to do nothing because we're about humanitarian issues, not oil. Yeah right.

It just bugs me that the first chance we get to bomb a country, in an instance when we don't truly need to get involved, Obama sends our Air Force out without a second thought. With so many issues at home that need to be taken care of, there is no justification for this stupid mission.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually believe that W would have done a better job as president over the last few weeks. Instead of wasting time in gathering some multi-lateral hippie coalition (and still ignoring Congress), Bush would have went in first thing and spoke openly about the need to oust Gaddafi. Obama still says Gaddafi doesn't need to go because the UN resolution doesn't support it. Then why did we bomb his compound the first day the No-Fly Zone was established? And how can you say Gaddafi has nothing to do with this? That he doesn't have to go? Obama has done the same thing Bush would have, expect that he wasted time and took some hippie, liberal methods that are supposed to create some ethical justification. Yeah right. This guy really sucks; and this is coming from a liberal.

PTU Movie Review: Animal Kingdom

I had been meaning to watch this one for some time now, but extenuating circumstances have kept my Netflix Queue clogged up for a while. Critically acclaimed and award winning Australian crime drama sounds right up my alley, so I was kind of excited to see what all the fuss was about.

Revolving around a close-knit family of criminals (the term "crime family" would suggest a very different type of movie) who as the film begins, welcome two new additions; the creepy on-the-run lunatic Uncle Pope and the recently orphaned, quiet teenager Josh (who is the main protagonist). It's established early on that their armed robbery crew act has begun to wear thin on the local police force, eventually leading to a war between the family and the police, as well as a modest body count.

There's a good deal to like here. Adam Arkapow's cinematography is top-notch as the film looks great, and the praise for Jackie Weaver's performance as the scheming mother was warranted. The Uncle Pope character is maybe the creepiest uncle in film history, and he comes off as unhinged but not over-the-top through out. There were some genuinely surprising moments (especially early on) as well.

But, to me at least, there was something missing. The film has all the familiar indie film staples: a less than linear structure, loads of quiet, contemplative scenes of people staring solemnly into space, and a lack of any real visceral action, without the depth that would have to accompany them to create a worthwhile work of art that it seems to aspire to be. This leads to one of my biggest gripes with indie art-house type films. Sometimes, film makers try so hard to not come off as showy or be accused of making noisy, shallow action flicks, that they overcompensate with unrealistic performances and just plain boring scenes strung together in really cool lighting. In trying not to over act, a lot of performances are under acted to the point that everyone walks around like an emotionless zombie. There has to be a middle ground between loud, ADHD paced Guy Ritchie films and something that works better as a visual than a complete film . It's almost like certain directors are afraid that if a film actually entertains then it can't be considered high art.

Case in point, there's a scene (without giving anything away) that involves a main character deliberately crashing his car into another character, who is being driven in a friends' car. The reaction from the driver is complete silence. There are a number of scenes with similar muted reactions that just seem ridiculously contrived. It was pointed out to me that this might be an attempt at showing how the background characters are just props in this family's world or some other existensial themes, but it just comes off as forced in a film that seems to value realism. And that sounds like a load of bullshit anyway.

I have no problem with deliberately paced, introspective films. I even watch movies without guns in them sometimes. But there has to be some kind of either interesting character development or emotional depth or the whole thing just comes off as a barely there, fantasy world. Unfortunately, Animal Kingdom lacks either of those qualities. It's David Mirchod's debut, so maybe his next film will improve upon this, or maybe I'm just not the target audience for this type of stuff. Maybe I'll rent Die Hard instead.

I give it 2 out of 4 bagels

Who Will Be Chosen As the Weak Link in the Yankees' Rotation?

The Knicks are falling fast in the standings and the sun is still out when most of us get out of work. That can only mean one thing: baseball season is right around the corner. Unfortunately for Yankee fans, the pitching rotation is still up in the air at this late date. We all know C.C. will be the ace, and A.J. and Hughes will round out the next two spots, but as anyone who's picked up a Daily News over the past 2 months can attest, with the retirement of Andy Pettite (this time it's for real) that elusive 4th and 5th starter are still TBA.

The potential nominees for either break out surprise of the season, or most likely to be sent back down to double A mid-season are:

• probably washed up Freddy Garcia
• Used to be washed up but maybe making a miraculous comeback (to hear the Yanks tell it) Bartolo Colon
• Cool name and showed flashes of good stuff Ivan Nova
• One time Joba replacement Sergio Mitre

None of these names should strike fear in the hearts of the Red Sox or Rays but there's always the hope that your end of the rotation will provide that spark that can carry your season.


Nova was decent in his first season in pinstripes (he was 1-2 with a 1.45 WHIP), and he's the youngest of this crew at 24, but I'm not sure if the Yankees want to add an unknown commodity to their already shaky rotation. A.J. is literally all over the place at times, so it seems imperative that you hand the ball to a steady veteran (or at least a reliable 6 inning guy) rather than a possibly nervous youngster like Ivan. That being said, he's been lights out in Tampa (1.29 ERA) and looks to be a front-runner for the 5th spot right now.

Mitre has never been great as a starter, but he's been a serviceable fill-in at times, not walking a lot of batters and occasionally giving them some good innings. But again, this is not a guy who I would be happy to see taking the mound in a must-win September game the day after A.J. got smacked around. By all accounts, he's had a decent spring, but that doesn't always translate to regular season success. Expect him to either be a middle inning guy with Joba or pitching at a minor league park near you very soon.

So far, Colon seems to be the surprise of spring training, and Yankee management have been raving about his location and fastball. They're talking about his missing the majority of the past 2 seasons as a good thing, that it helped him regain strength in his arm, and he's refreshed this year. This all seems like little more than wishful thinking to me, as the downside to missing lengthy periods of time in sports is you just don't have the stamina to last an entire season. Bartolo may be great for a month or two but I would expect him to fall apart during the summer months (not to mention he never really seemed to be in the best physical shape to begin with). Still, he's been impressive as hell thus far, so I'd expect to see the one-time Cy Young winner getting a spot.


This would leave Freddy Garcia as the odd man out. The 36 year old "chief" started off strong in spring training, but his last 2 awful outings have most likely done him in. Despite his resurgence with the White Sox last season, age seems to have caught up with Freddy. I would like to see him turn it around and maybe garner a roster spot, but all indications seem to dispute that.

So, Yankee fans, meet your new pitching rotation: 2 fat guys, a crazy redneck, a 23 year old Dominican and Phil Hughes. Could be worse I guess. Play Ball!

Perp Shoes of the Week

The last two perp shoe entry endorsers (Grant Hill and Barry Sanders) proved that you needn't be an actual perp to inspire a classic perp sneaker. This week's perp shoe is another example, the Diamond Furies and the Ken Griffey Jr. Air Max that were worn by none other than Ken Griffey Jr.Although many of his best moments came against the Yanks, Jr.'s still one of my all time favorite players. Blessed with the smoothest swing I've ever seen in person, Griffey was the total package during his years with Seattle and his sneakers were also phenomenal. The Griffey air maxes have somehow become the most popular perp shoes in all of New York city over the past couple of years. Ride the 4 train for a half hour and I guarantee you will see at least 2 kids with some version of them. Maybe the only nike reissue that looks almost as good as the original (these black and red Cinncinati versions).

Shut The Hell Up, Geno

If you follow women's basketball, you may have seen Geno Auriemma whining after last night's UConn game. I'm kidding of course, no one follows that crap, but if you were watching Sportscenter last night or this morning, you might have heard his bitching in the background while you ate your Frosted Flakes and waited for the top ten plays or whatever. Geno seems to be pretty pissed that the arena was only half filled to see his lady Huskies beat up on another sad sack team and advance to the Sweet Sixteen. You know where there's always a packed house, Geno? A UCONN MEN"S BASKETBALL GAME. Or any men's basketball game for that matter (except maybe the Nets). I know I sound terribly chauvinistic, but the reason nobody wants to watch Geno's team play is not because they're spoiled by success, it's that women's basketball is just not that much fun to watch, no matter how hard ESPN and David Stern may try to sell it.

There has to be something wrong with a sport that allows one team to win 90 games in a row. Maybe there were sell-out crowds to see that, but that was more to see the sideshow of a team that never loses. Once that streak was over, there's nothing to see any more but a team that dominates a boring sport. It's like watching the Globetrotters beat the Washington Generals every night without the actual entertaining plays. People could set up lawn chairs at their local park and watch 5' 7" players run back door plays and not dunk, but it gets old after a while.

If Geno really wanted to prove his worth, he'd accept an offer with a men's team instead of running up scores in the ladies league. I saw the piece that HBO Real Sports did on Auriemma and he addressed that point, saying that the critics of his arrogance who question why he stays where he is just don't understand the sport, and that he could succeed in the men's game if he wanted. Do it Geno, then you'd have plenty of people in the stands to watch you. In the meantime, just shut the hell up.

Javale McGee Almost Makes the Wizards Watchable

The Wizards are unbelievably awful, almost setting records for road losses, getting blown out on a nightly basis by everyone in the league and rapidly losing any type of fan base. But, at least they have one young, super athletic player who consistently makes the highlights and almost makes their games watchable. No, not John Wall. Javale McGee, the freakish athlete who maybe got robbed at the Dunk contest.

For my brother who lives in D.C., don't feel too bad. Your Wizards are terrible, but this is some sick stuff Javale is doing (especially that block).

Pull Your Pants Up

In one of the perpiest sports stories in recent memory, Cowboys Wide Receiver Dez Bryant was issued a warning from police for a public disturbance that stemmed from him and his boys wearing their pants too low at a mall. Allegedly, the authorities were notified when Dez and his crew refused to pull up their pants. Seriously.

There's definitely a question as to the validity of a law policing an individuals' choice of wardrobe (unless his Jimmy Johnson was showing) but I can respect both side's points of view here. There is a growing trend around the country of local laws issueing fines if someone's boxers are showing, and while this might seem to some people like racial profiling or an infringement on their personal liberties, the bottom line is it just looks bad. C'mon man, you're a grown adult. I've never met a woman that likes that look and whitey is going to look at you as a thug. Pull your damn pants up.

Knicks vs. Magic Preview

Frankly, I'm sick of writing the same things about the Knicks' struggles since the trade. We all know what they have to do and the excuses for them not doing it, yada yada.

So, here's a guy falling out of his chair....

Breaking News: Elizabeth Taylor Not Dead Already, Dies

In what is sure to be a shock to millions of movie-loving fans around the world; Elizabeth Taylor was still alive yesterday.

That's right, file this under strange but true, but Taylor was not dead yet contrary to popular belief. Devoted fans of the beloved actress were quoted as saying "Really? You don't say".

RIP Elizabeth Taylor.

Mike D'Antoni Has To Go

I like Mike D’Antoni. In a dark time of Knicks’ basketball, he brought his mustache along with an entertaining style of basketball to the Garden. It all made a very bad Knicks team at least a little fun to watch…but Mike’s time is up. As Mikey D’s track record has proven, entertainment usually translates to a bunch of points and a bunch of disappointing losses.

With the recent losses, the Knicks have shown a lack of offensive continuity. They have also continued their futility on the defensive end of the ball and seem to forget all things intangible (rebound anyone). The result has been a string of bad losses (much like the beginning of the season). If the Knicks want to compete for more than a playoff spot, there needs to be a change in the offense and a change in the "offense comes second to nothing".

The addition of Melo means you have to create an offense where both he and Amare can coexist. Melo’s strength isn’t in playing the move and spacing game D’Antoni preaches. His game can be likened to Kobe and the role Kobe plays in the Triangle. He can be on the ball, dish when the defense collapses or shoot when he’s alone in the post or has space to shoot facing the basket. With that considered, there also needs to be at least a basic commitment to some defense. Every team/player goes through stretches where baskets are hard to come by. What keeps great teams in those games is their ability to play some defense and keep things a little close (all things the Knicks have struggled to do recently making these loses look so bad). D’Antoni seems either incapable or unwilling of making those offensive/defensive adjustments, meaning he has to go. Maybe this Melo move was a secret sneaky move to get him out of his job by The Snake (Isaiah Thomas) and James Dolan.

I suggested Ewing as a possibility in a recent post. Another option mentioned by Bill Simmons is have Phil come back to where it started and try and win a ring like his old coach/idol Red (a move I would endorse but seems unlikely). Anyone have any other names to throw in the hat?