Perp Fashion of The Week: Jansport Strings

I did a post a while back about reappropriated perp fashion, the first being North Face jackets that were originally designed for rich white people to not catch colds when hiking up mountains and doing other white things but were eventually the uniform for minorities hanging out in front of Bodegas in Brooklyn. This week's installment of Reappropriated perp fashion centers on a phenomenon that was unique to the New York area in the early to mid 90s: Jansport strings.

What exactly made a backpack marketed towards yuppie outdoorsman (take a look at that ad) a staple of urban middle school toughness? You could start with the strings. Readers from outside the tri-state might find this odd, but anyone who attended junior high in one of the 5 boros can attest to the fact that Jansport strings were something like tattooed tear drops in prison: the more you had the tougher sumbitch you were. Stealing Jansport strings was something of a bloodsport that only the toughest of special needs student would participate in. It got to the point that some kids would burn the end of their strings so as to ward off would be string thieves. Future larcenous thugs would perfect the craft to the point that they could come up behind unsuspecting marks (usually those nerds who actually had books in their book bags and not just firecrackers and porn) and pilfer a string or two without ever rousing suspicion. These pint sized pick pockets could then strut around the school yard with up to 30 multicolored strings looped around the back pouch zipper of their Jansport. The delinquent with the most strings was the D-bo of recess, on par with the clean up hitter in punch ball and the kid who had a cousin that worked at Foot Locker. There were other ways to adorn your Jansport, of course, like paws or tags with whiteout but nothing as memorable as the strings. Legend has it that there was a thinner string inside the main string that you could remove using a needle or straightened out paper clip to add to an already impressive collection of string.

Tell someone from out of town or a kid in school now about this strange '90s trend and they'll probably laugh at you, but the Jansport string craze will go down in New York history as one of the greatest perp fashions of all time.

PTU 2011 Childhood Sugar Water Championship

Today a few of us at PTU were arguing about the best childhood sugar drinks. Apparently these types of memories can conjure up some powerful emotions since we really got into it. With this in mind I decided to put together a championship bracket that will be decided by our faithful PTU family. Here is a brief overview of the match-ups:

Kool-Aid (#1) vs. Tropical Fantasy (#8):
Realistically many of you may not even know what Tropical Fantasy is but I ran out of crappy drinks. Everyone knows that Kool-Aid can't lose in the first round anyway.

Capri Sun (#2) vs. Tang (#7):
Capri Sun has a really strong line-up of flavors which make it a formidable foe. Outside shot of an upset due to nostalgia for Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid) making Tang commercials.



Hi-C (#3) vs. Misc Iced Tea (#6)
Hi-C comes in strong with a line-up that includes ecto-cooler. Hi-C also seems to have a lot of support among other PTU members. Misc Iced Tea is going to have a tough time unless you have good memories of drinking it at bottle's house as a kid.

Hawaiian Punch (#4) vs. Quarter Water (#5)
The closest battle of the bunch. Does Hawaiian punch win on the strength of that little red head guy that looks like Carrot Top, or does nostalgia for drinking the blue quarter drink all summer while playing handball win out...

It's time for you to comment on who you think should move forward to the next round to settle this once and for all.

Classic 80s Commercial of The Week

Who doesn't love nostalgia? I, for one, can't get enough of it. Does my love of things of the past mean that I had a great childhood that I look upon fondly or am I just dissatisfied with my current life and need to constantly live in the simpler days of my youth? Let's try not to think about it and instead focus on something we can all get behind: cheesy 80s commercials. We all remember these from the Saturday morning lineup of Ninja Turtles (second straight Turtles mention for me) and Garfield and Friends, or the Disney Afternoon and GI Joe after school that you enjoyed with your Capri Sun and Social Studies homework. Most of these commercials flood your mind with good memories like Snoot's basement will be flooded with rain water this weekend. A couple of these haunted your nightmares as a child and will probably bring back those horrible memories that you tried to block out, just like Snoot will be trying to block the rushing rain water from ruining his carpet this weekend. This commercial is one of those:



Did you piss your pants yet? It looks a little goofy now, but the somewhat cheesy effects don't diminish the horror one bit in my opinion. This was made in the late eighties/early 90s when the crack epidemic in New York City was still fresh in everyone's mind. I've never actually used crack (I guess that part got through to me) but what the Snake Man up there is telling you seems accurate. Coke, crack and weed will have you

• Stealing from your mama
• Lying
• cheating on your homeboys

Sounds about right. It all leads up to the big reveal at the end that he's some weird snake homeboy hybrid. There does seem to be an inconsistency with the premise of this PSA though. If he's such a snake, then wouldn't he be trying to lie to children and tell them that their lives would be perfect if they bought drugs from him? They would have an unlimited treasure chest of Transformers that were only released in Japan and life would be an endless day of nintendo and kool aid kool bursts times 1000 if they were to cop some dope from him? He's actually the most honest person I've ever met. Spells it right out for you. Not very snake like. Anyway, plot holes aside, this commercial went on to haunt me for years until I was eventually able to repress it with lots of weed! (Thanks drug dealers!)

Stay tuned to PTU for more awesome and sometimes disturbing commercials from our youth. Good luck, Snoot!

Happy Birthday, John Starks; We Love/Hate you

Today is grocery worker turned Knicks hero/goat John Starks' 46th birthday. The majority of people in the world (outside of the tri-state) are probably indifferent to Starks, but only remember two things about him: his dunk against the Bulls and his terrible game 7 of the NBA Finals. That's really all you need to know about Starks, actually. That, and he was basically a loser who couldn't crack an NBA lineup to save his life, drifting from rinky dink basketball leagues like the CBA and various training camps to eventually the ever popular "grocery bagger" storyline. He was basically Kurt Warner without the talent, wife with the lesbian haircut and of course, the championship ring.

Most Knicks fans have a love/hate relationship with number 3 or they just hate him. A lot of New Yorkers, like my brother and M@d $cientist, listed John as their favorite Knicks for years. We always heard about how he embodied everything that New Yorkers stood for. He was tough, wouldn't back down from anyone (he fought with Jordan and literally butted heads with the hated Reggie Miller) and made up for what he lacked in talent with hard work and grit. Most New York area basketball people will tell you that the Knicks fans will put up with losing as long as you work hard doing it. Lazy bums like the Knicks pre Amare and Carmelo were examples of the opposite type of player; the guy who collected a huge check but didn't earn it on the court, and Knicks fans showed their anger. Starks never had anything handed to him and worked his way to eventually being an all-star one season, the year after his shining moment in game 2 against the Bulls (I still have the poster of "the Dunk" somewhere in my parents' house). But, at the same time, Starks was an example of the type of guy who could make you scream and hurl Snapple bottles at the tv screen. Hot headed and impulsive, he'd sometimes ruin games with his temper (check out Ewing and Oakley's reactions to the Miller head butt if you can find video of it) or his relentless three point gunning. If he felt shown up by another player or he made a couple threes, you knew that the ball was going up every time it touched his hands, for better or worse. He also fed off his own bottled up energy so much, that he would sometimes psych himself out of games. Case in point: the Game 6 against Miami in 1997 that took place after half of the Knicks team was suspended for wandering off the bench, John was so jacked up off the energy of the crowd and all the hoopla, he dribbled the ball off his foot the first two times he touched the ball. This is probably what happened in game 7, and frankly, the guy deserves some hate for it. Whatever being clutch means or if it exists, we can all agree that being calm under pressure is something that all great players needed and John just didn't have it. It's unfair to expect a guy from Oklahoma who worked at the local Safeway to be the Pippen to Ewing's Jordan, but most Knicks fans would have settled for a Steve Kerr at least.

So, if you clicked on PTU today and saw that ridiculous Slam cover (sorry if I overuse the Slam covers, but there just so god damn awesome) you either said "That son of a bitch Starks! I'll never forgive him!" or said "It's Starks birthday? Who cares?"...wait, let me start over. You probably don't care either way about Starks's birthday but you most likely feel one of two ways about the guy: he's the biggest asshole ever, who ruined your youth and if he could have shot 30% in the biggest game of his life, the Knicks would have a championship in your lifetime, or you remember him as a hero of your childhood who overcame the odds and provided a great memory and poster for your bedroom. Either way, the guy is now a Knicks lifer (he works some made-up job title for the Knicks now) and we wish him a happy 46th.

Seriously, though, 2 FOR 18?!?!?!?

Was Tyson Really That Great?

Nostalgia has a way of coloring our opinions of people and events, be they historical figures or athletes who dominated our childhoods. Mike Tyson is an example of a public figure who, through time and hype, gradually become mythical and no one can really have a logical conversation about them. I wrote a while back about how Biggie wasn't really the greatest rapper of all time and you would have thought I had said Mother Teresa was a whore. I suppose a lot of Tyson fans have similar feelings about Iron Mike, and the argument for both of these childhood heroes is kind of similar as well.

Both were from Brooklyn and overcame physical traits that were unusual for their profession and would cause them to be picked on when they were younger (Biggie being fat, Tyson and his girlish voice), both achieved fame at a young age and were fairly dominant in their fields and both careers were cut short before they could totally realize their potentials leaving experts and fans to argue about them forever. The real huge difference here is that Biggie's career was cut short at 24 because of a senseless killing, and Tyson's boxing career never made it as far as it could because of his own doing. And there's always the argument that he wasn't that good to begin with and was the product of weak competition. But both benefit from nostalgia, Tyson even more so than Biggie (since BIG actually was great for a number of years).

With Tyson's recent induction into the Boxing Hall of Fame, there's been a lot of his old highlights shown all over the place, and no matter the competition, his knockouts are fun to watch. Tyson was so ferocious in his early years, knocking washed up or never was "tomato cans" (to use Hater J's favorite term), that it's easy to gloss over the fact that those guys were mostly bums that he was demolishing. One reason I'm glad that I was born in the 80s and not a decade earlier is I probably would have wasted a lot of time and money on 5 minute pay per view fights. Still, Mike was a phenomenon who tore into other fighters in a way that isn't seen too often, and he's probably the second most famous boxer in history. That's what makes it so hard to argue about him though, his public persona is so huge and he's become such a brand name (his Punch Out game is a classic for anyone born during the Reagan years) that arguing against him with a fan is pointless, despite the evidence.

When all is said and done, even if he never reached his full potential, or if you argue he wasn't that great to begin with and just dominated weak competition like the James Tilleses and Marvis Fraziers of the world, his impact can't be denied. Even now as he's basically a parody of himself, he's still an icon that inspires debate unlike any other boxer, as hard as Mayweather or some of the other new jacks might try to draw attention to themselves. He might not have been the greatest fighter who ever lived, but don't try telling a Tyson fan that.

Shaq vs Hakeem: Who Would Have Won?

This imagined one on one tournament of NBA players past and present over at Deadspin got us here at PTU to wondering about who would win such a thing. After much deliberation over the merits of Magic Johnson's defense and LeBron James's lack of a post-up game we decided on either Jordan or the dark horse sleeper candidate: Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon. With his soccer player quick feet, height and shot-blocking ability and moves that could make even the most athletic former Naval officer look stupid, Hakeem was the ideal one-on-one player. The only person who could combat the total package of a player like that would be another unstoppable force like Shaquille O'Neal in his prime, right? The good folks at Taco Bell had this same idea in 1995 in the fall after the Rockets had dominated Shaq's Magic in 4 games (3 and a quarter if you count the epic collapse that Nick Anderson will never forget). Sure, everyone had seen what two of the game's best big men could do against each other in a team context, but strip away pick and rolls and Kenny Smith and you'd be left with two dominant offensive monsters with decidedly different games. To hammer home the "two very different tastes that are equally great" theme, America's favorite bastardized Mexican food chain pulled out all the stops on a marketing campaign (who could forget this goofy gem?). Promoted like a prize fight, complete with up and coming point guard undercard (America hating fellow Muslim Mahmoud Abdul Rauf vs. Queens product Kenny Anderson), the event promised to be a more worthwhile pay per view event than most prize fights ever end up being. Sadly, an injury forced the Dream to drop out, and there was never another date scheduled for some reason, so we were all left to wonder what if?

Let's assume the rules would be typical playground stuff: half-court, winner takes out, 1 point each basket to 21, etc. The coin flip would be pretty important to see who got the ball first, especially in the case of Shaq. A much younger Diesel would seem to have no problem repeatedly backing down and dunking over a still spry yet aging Dream should he get the ball first (something tells me the rules might have had to be adjusted to ensure such a thing not happening). Even in his later years dominating the league with the Lakers, O'Neal had a fairly limited offensive repertoire, but in his Fu-Shnicken collaborating days, he was pretty much a one trick pony. A super athletic, brutally strong pony, but one-dimensional nonetheless. Hakeem, on the other hand, could face up and play back to the basket with equal success, tossing in fadeaways and drop step hook shots along with sick spin moves that made Ewing look like a statue. If he could strip Shaq or elevate to block him on an inside move, it would be fun to see how Shaq would try to keep up with him.

I could see the game playing out like this:

After an inspiring rendition of the national anthem by Jodeci (which Abdul-Rauf would of course sit through), Shaq wins the Pepsi sponsored coin toss (the traditional playground foul shot for ball would be unfair in this case) and proceeds to back down Hakeem for an early 7-0 lead on an assortment of two-hand slams and tomahawks, with a couple of short hook shots and bankers thrown in. Finally (after Shaq tires himself out almost taking down the basket) Olajuwon is able to poke the ball away and show off his moves. Wowing the crowd with ball fakes, spin moves, crossover dribbles and other moves no 7 footer from Nigeria should be able to do, Hakeem jumps out to a 3 point lead. Shaq would get the ball back on a rejection of a Dream jumper and the two centers would go back and forth until Hakeem would win the game on a patented Dream shake fadeaway that hits nothing but bottom.

Michael Buffer would announce Hakeem as the new Taco Bell champion, Shaq and Hakeem would awkwardly hug and promise to see each other in the Finals the coming June. Double Decker tacos for everyone!

Beef Song of the Week

Canibus-2nd Round Knockout (1998) Canibus Dissing LL Cool J
It seems like 400 years ago, but there was a time when the most buzzed about new rapper was this skinny kid from who knows where named after a marijuana plant, Canibus. Building up his considerable hype through the old school pre-internet method of mix tapes (some of which were actual tapes, if I look around my parents house long enough I might find the Canibus vs. DMX classic mix tape) and features on major label rappers' albums. In Bis's case (for some reason the shortened nickname version of Canibus is Bis not Bus) this meant brain melting, ugly face inducing verses on tracks with the Lost Boyz, The Firm and most notably LL Cool J. It was his verse on LL's posse cut 4,3,2,1 that ignited what became the most talked about beef in hip hop up until that point since Biggie and Tupac (although no one really thought this would amount to any violence).

In the original version of that song, Canibus raps a fairly innocent line about borrowing the microphone tattoo on LL's arm. Being the overly sensitive dude that he was though, Mr. Smith took this as some kind of insult, and tore Canibus to pieces in his final verse. Although Canibus reluctantly removed the offending line from his verse, LL left his scathing verse in the final version since he never actually mentions him by name and no one would know who he was talking about and would probably figure it for another nameless rap boast. That is, until Canibus came back at the legendary LL with this ridiculous diss track, possibly the best beef song ever all things considered; this was a new kid out of nowhere going against the veteran LL Cool J, the beat makes you want to punch your sister in the face and he even got Mike Tyson to spout some nonsense at the beginning, middle and end of the track. LL came back with his own rebuttal, but this was a knockout indeed. Canibus never lived up to the hype and drifted off into underground rap purgatory somewhere but he'll always be remembered as rap's Buster Douglas. Good night.

Best Line: "It's about who strikes the hardest not who strikes first, that's why I laugh when I hear that wack ass verse, that shit was the worst, rhyme I ever heard in my life, 'cuz the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th".

The Agony of Defeat

Well, that one hurt. In order to be competitive in this series, the Knicks would have to steal one on the road and then handle their home court business. The Celtics seemed ready to help them out with that first step, but the Knicks let the oppurtunity get away thanks to ugly offense by everyone except Amare and great offensive execution by Boston. I can't imagine the C's playing a half of basketball at home worse than last night's first half, and yet the Knicks let Jermaine O'neal (of all people) and the rest of their vets close the gap in the second half. O'neal's 7 foot jump shot is apparently unguardable. Carmelo went ice cold after a hot second quarter, going 1 for 11 in the second half, the Knicks couldn't grab defensive rebounds to save their lives, and the Boston dirtbags were going crazy. And still, the Knicks had a 3 point lead after Toney Douglas's "big balls" moment. It was all downhill from there though; Great out of bounds play, questionable offensive foul, Ray Allen big balls, no timeouts, Carmelo gets his pet shot (a little deeper than preferred), not even close, Celtics win, PTU staff takes shots of Jameson late into the night on a Sunday.

The Knicks have had a Japanese Tsunami survivor's worth of painful losses in their history (at least in my lifetime) spanning all levels of the Hurt-o-meter. Let's say 1 is a torn off toe-nail, and 10 is a Phillips screw driver in your scrotum. Reggie's 8 points in 9 seconds would be an 8 naturally (ball point pen to the eye-ball), and his 25 points in the fourth quarter of game 5 in 94 would be a 6 (car door repeatedly slammed on your fingers for a minute straight) since the pain is dulled by the fact we won that series. Games 6 and 7 vs. the Rockets were 9s because of how close they were to a Championship (tuning fork jabbed through your tongue), and Ewing's missed finger roll was a screw driver in the nuts since it was the end of the season and an era, and it was a God Damned lay-up. Avery Johnson's corner jumper in game 5 of the Finals was a 4 (yardstick across the knee-cap) since even if they had won that game, there was no way they would win the series.

Where does that leave last night's shit show? I'd say it was a 7 (bleeding hemorrhoids after a night of Indian food) which is also, coincidentally, Melo's number. The Knicks had a gift wrapped game won in what could have been a series changing defeat for the Celtics. Even if Boston, as expected, whupped them in game 2,the Knicks could come back to New York tied at 1 with rabid Garden fans out for blood over the Easter weekend. Instead, we all have to hope for Billups's injury to not be as bad as it looks, and a repeat dismal performance by the Celtics. I know Carmelo will have a better game (can't play much worse), but will the rest of the team be able to bounce back from a loss like that? Let's hope for the best. Here comes the pain.

Reappropriated Perp Fashion Of The Week

The North Face Steep Tech

Urban (or hip hop or minority or whatever you want to call it) fashion has a long history of taking something that was originally not meant for them, or at least not marketed to them, and making it theirs. It's kind of like the hip hop ethos itself; sampling records, writing graffiti over an existing wall or train, it's a tradition. From Polo to Tommy Hilfiger to Timberlands, rich white people clothing has turned into ghetto fads for years.

One of the best examples of whitey to perp fashion is the North Face Steep Tech jacket. Originally meant for white people to wear when scaling mountains or hiking, I can not stress enough how freakin popular this jacket was in New York in the 90's among people who probably didn't even drink Mountain Dew never mind climbed one. These days, it's sold at Jimmy Jazz and VIM and other horrible stores like that, in ridiculous combinations such as this, but the original is still a classic and there are still collectors out there who dress like Inspectah Deck did in 1993. Matched up with a Hot Shot backpack or the misguided fashion trend that was the waist bag, the North Face Steep Tech will go down in history as a reappropriated perp classic.

Beef Song of the Week

7. "F#%$ Wit Dre Day"-Dr. Dre feat. Snoop Doggy Dogg (1992) (dissing Eazy E, Tim Dogg, and Luke)
Old men like me love to talk about the good old days, when rap beefs weren't settled in YouTube clips and twitter accounts (you crazy kids and your twitting!), but in wacky low-budget videos shown on Yo MTV Raps and The Box, where a goofy looking comedian could play the part of the mark ass buster who's being dissed. The buster in question for this week's entry is none other than the late, great Eazy E.

Dre and Eazy revolutionized Gangsta Rap in the early '90s as the production/rapping and rapping/breakout star respectively of NWA. Due to a falling out involving Eazy's manager and original snake Jerry Heller as well as Eazy's desire to break off into a solo career, things got kind of ugly. My favorite part of the video was the fake Eazy dancing on the side of the road with a "will rap for food" sign. Classic.

Best Line: "Bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay, the sound of a dog brings me to another day. Play with my bone, would ya Timmy? It seems like you're good for making jokes about your jimmy. Well, here's a jimmy joke about your mama that you might not like. I heard she was a Frisco dyke"

Perp Shoes of the Week

The last two perp shoe entry endorsers (Grant Hill and Barry Sanders) proved that you needn't be an actual perp to inspire a classic perp sneaker. This week's perp shoe is another example, the Diamond Furies and the Ken Griffey Jr. Air Max that were worn by none other than Ken Griffey Jr.Although many of his best moments came against the Yanks, Jr.'s still one of my all time favorite players. Blessed with the smoothest swing I've ever seen in person, Griffey was the total package during his years with Seattle and his sneakers were also phenomenal. The Griffey air maxes have somehow become the most popular perp shoes in all of New York city over the past couple of years. Ride the 4 train for a half hour and I guarantee you will see at least 2 kids with some version of them. Maybe the only nike reissue that looks almost as good as the original (these black and red Cinncinati versions).

The New Once Upon A Sundae?

The Neighborhood diner is slowly becoming extinct in New York city as many of its' iconic diners have been permanently shutting down lately (especially in Manhattan). Luckily, Bay Ridge is immune to urban progress. Bay Ridge is not hip enough for the hipsters, yet no one would ever consider it "ghetto" (as least not yet). Even as cupcake shops and art galleries are popping up in some of the most notoriously slummy areas of New York, and much of the rest of New York has become kind of boring, certain parts of Bay Ridge (most of 5th Ave. looks like Fallujah) have maintained it's uncool, same old same old identity.

One of the best examples of this is Anapoli Ice Cream Parlor on Third Avenue, a throwback to old-school neighborhood establishments like Snoot's childhood favorite, Once Upon a Sundae. Walk in this family owned business any day of the week, and you can get a Cheese Burger Deluxe (with 2 or 3 onion rings tossed in with the fries) and a milkshake for under 10 dollars (milkshake is way better than the over rated Hinsch's, which looks like a nursing home) as well as catch up on all the neighborhood gossip. Last time I was in there, some guy sitting at the counter who I never met before told me way more than I ever wanted to know about the neighborhood's history. Can't be too mad though, at least there's a history to speak about.

The World's Most Expensive Arena

It's funny how the olfactory memory works. You know, the way certain smells trigger memories in your brain. For me, the smell of elephants is an unlikely source of particularly fond childhood recollections. That's because, as anyone who's attended spring events at Madison Square Garden can tell you, the stairwells reek of circus elephants. You can't escape it. And for 21 years I've smelled it, sat in section 207 row A, seat 10 and seen the Knicks play. In the 90's, it was great, Ewing and the rest of them playing deep into the playoffs every year. In recent years, the product on the court stunk worse than all the elephant dung in the world, but this season at least there's been a little hope injected into the Garden again. Except now I (or anyone else who's not exceedingly wealthy) can't afford to sit there anymore. How's that for some elephant shit?

On Friday, just three weeks into the Melo/Amare era, the Garden announced ticket price hikes on most of the seats in the World's most Famous Arena. While not out rightly saying that the trade (and increased interest) is behind the rising ticket prices, there is a mention of "team expectations" being a factor as well as the upcoming renovations that will enhance the viewing experience. They acknowledge that the team's moderate success as of late (tonight's no-show against the Pacers not withstanding) plays a part in price hikes, but that these plans were always in the works. Weather or not Dolan and the rest of Garden management is simply taking advantage of the renewed interest in the Knicks or the prices are a by product of rebuilding MSG to match the rest of the NBA's new arenas is besides the point though. What's most important here is NOBODY CAN AFFORD THESE PRICES.
Don't let the memo's claim of 49% raises fool you, either. That's just the average. My aforementioned seat in section 207 has for the past 8 years or so cost $95.00. The two seats that my family have had combined with food, parking, etc. has always been a fairly expensive night out but not outrageous. Next season, a ticket in those same seats will cost $230.00. It's one thing to bump up Spike Lee's seat from 3 grand to $3600, but the price for my seat (the last row before waiter service even) is more than doubled! For that price, screw a waiter, I want a Knicks city dancer to give me a lap dance during timeouts. In a real New York gentrification type move, the Garden is actually making section 207 a 100 section and renaming the section "Upper Club". Sort of like how Real Estate agents refer to parts of Sunset Park as "South Slope" to entice hipsters.

And for all those kids who want to see Carmelo and the new look Knicks, one game for a father and his 2 kids who drive from outside the city (after the beer with the pretzel stick and the cotton candy and dinner) will cost close to a thousand bucks for one measly game. This is for a team that hasn't won a playoff game in 10 years.

Now this might just sound like bellyaching from a bitter old fan, but maybe the Garden should listen to some of the bitter old timers. We've sat through Keith Van Horn, Jerome James, Vin Baker, Jared Jeffries, Moochie Norris, Isiah, Jared Jeffries again, and the list goes on and on. But we kept coming back like an abused spouse. Except now the Garden has priced out the rest of the real fans that they hadn't priced out already. I'm not going to be sitting in section 207 next season to see what Carmelo and Amare can do, for the first time in a very long time.

Smells like shit.

Johnny Bagel's Perp Shoes of the Week

That's right, Fila wasn't always exclusively worn by fat old guidos. During the mid 90's they attempted to infiltrate the sneaker market with a couple of NBA players. Jerry Stackhouse and Grant Hill were the first to rock them, but only Grant's really took off, as perps everywhere wanted to wear the same shoes as one of the smoothest young players. Grant would eventually have a string of debilitating injuries but for a couple years with the Pistons he was as athletic as anyone, and also had one of the sickest crossovers. There was a time when you couldn't turn on the tv without seeing him in a commercial for something. I was always a Nike person, but these 2 Filas were indeed a perp favorite.

A Very Special PTU Post part 1

If you're like all of us here at PTU and grew up in the 80's and 90's there's a fairly good chance you spent a lot of time in front of the TV watching sitcom greatness such as Saved By the Bell, Family Matters, and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air as well as the endless supply of Saved by the Bell knockoffs that stunk up the airwaves (Teen NBC?).

While everything about these shows was memorable, a staple of family sitcoms that really stood out during this time period was the "very special" episode. Taking a break from the usual hi jinks that the shows revolved around, these preachy little pieces of dung would try to teach an important lesson to the kiddies as well as making us all laugh at Urkel. I imagine these were churned out in accordance with the network's deals with lobby groups such as MADD and other anti-gun and drug groups. The formula was always the same. After things would go horribly, horribly wrong for whichever character that would dare step over to the dark side, everyone would have a good hug and cry and the stars of the show would speak directly to the camera and say something like:

"We have a lot of fun here usually but this is no joke. If you or someone you know has an issue with crystal meth/speed balling/marijuana/bulimia/excessive masturbation, contact a rehabilitation facility as soon as possible...."

I doubt any of these message episodes ever really turned any kids off to whatever they were supposed to (in some cases they probably made kids want to do them more) but the world is a much better place because of them. So, here's my favorite "Very Special" moments:

• Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Carlton gets a gun
  

One of my personal favorite "dangers of guns" episodes of anything ever. This episode finds Will getting shot at an ATM (the irony! He moved out of West Philly to escape that stuff) and Carlton getting all Charles Bronson towards the end. Will talks Carlton out of using the burner unfortunately and we all learn a valuable lesson; Don't go to the ATM wearing an 8 ball jacket.

• Saved by the Bell: Jessie Does Caffeine Pills

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited!" Where can I get some? I guess this was what led to her role in Showgirls.

• Hang Time: Anthony Anderson smokes cigarettes

My favorite thing about this is Anthony Anderson (who would one day inexplicably be in a Scorsese movie) is smoking right in the locker room after practice (skip to about the 2:20 mark). Side note about Hang Time; They won like 5 state championships in a row with their best player being a white girl and Anthony Anderson's fat ass the only black guy on the team. That Reggie Theus can coach.


Part 2 of a very special PTU coming soon, kids. Including drunk Urkel.

Perp Shoe of the Week

This week's perp shoe selection are the Nike Air More Uptempo's. These definitely stood out weather you were in gym class or running the court winning your 4th championship like Scottie.

While I complimented the simplicity of the Foamposite's last week for their lack of swoosh, these sneakers went the opposite direction, letting you know that the Nike AIR brand was not to be messed with. The olympics versions that Pippen rocked when he played for Dream Team 2 at the 96 games were my favorite. (Thanks to Sole Collector for the pics)

Old School Chris Rock

This is taken from an interesting time capsule of a stand up comedy film called "Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen" that I stumbled across recently. Featuring some names you will no doubt recognize (Tim Allen, Bill Hicks, Howard Stern's Jackie Martling) and some you most definitely will not unless you're blood relative to them (Andrew Dice Clay knock off Monty Hoffman anyone?) this is the type of movie your older cousin who was into Slayer would have on vhs that your mother wouldn't let you watch. Back in the day when a comedian talking about STDs was still considered "edgy", the crowd sounds like they just came from a Married With Children taping and Tim Allen was actually kind of funny.

While all of the big names involved here have aged considerably, none more noticeably than Chris Rock. Even though you get a little glimpse into the type of comedian he would one day become, the 21 year old Rock (wearing a pair of Jordan 3's) is much less polished and maybe a little angrier (as you can tell from his opening line "So I hate life...")without doing his trademark scrunched up face scream that he does now. He's also not all that funny. He goes from a not particularly hilarious routine about being racially profiled since he was born, to a riff on jerking off to Aunt Jemima and then (real 80's flashback) talks about Jesse Jackson running for President. Nothing here is really groundbreaking and if you were one of the howling people in the audience that night you probably didn't think this guy would become the gigantic star he is now but there's definitely traces of what was to come, especially in his last line:

"I was in South Africa the other day...or was it Boston?"

drops the microphone and walks off.

Rivalry Renewed?

The major news outlets in New York as well as most of the rest of the usual sports yakkers have been promoting tonight's match up between The Heat and The Knicks as a possible return to the glory days of the '90s. It was back in those days that the two then Eastern Conference powers battled it out seemingly every season in the playoffs, forming one of the most tense (and often brutal to watch) rivalries in all of sports.

Here at PTU we might have a tendency to glorify the '90s, but that being said, before we all get ahead of ourselves and say "Knicks Heat is back!", there are some pretty obvious differences between those fondly remembered days and whatever it is that might begin tonight.

Firstly, those games were for the most part an eyesore, holding the rest of the nation outside of New York and Miami hostage as the two teams struggled to score a combined 140 points on most nights. Tonight, as well as in the games that will probably follow between the two, I wouldn't be surprised to see one team score 120 themselves. Then, a final score usually looked something like 72-70. Now, that's not unbelievable as a halftime score the way the Knicks play defense and the Heat can score in a blink.

Secondly, those teams absolutely hated each other. ESPN had a great piece today breaking down the particularly ugly moments of the many series and you can see why. Pat "The Snake" Riley (or Rat Riley as Lupica used to call him, take your pick) and his ugly divorce from the Knicks made sure that this wasn't just a bunch of guys playing for an eastern conference championship. They really didn't like each other. Even the Van Gundy brothers didn't speak when their teams played each other. Fast forward to 2011 and the big stars of the new "rivalry", LeBron, Melo, Wade, Stoudemire, etc. may as well have a sleep over after the game. These guys are all good friends off the court. Could you imagine Dan Majerle and Latrell Sprewell going out for dinner after the game? Or P.J. Brown and Charlie Ward having a beer after body slams?

Finally, the biggest difference between the current Knicks-Heat games and the storied rivalry of the past is the lack of real drama. The Heat haven't won anything yet although they should cruise to a divisions title and are going to be a Vegas favorite to make it far in the playoffs and the Knicks are still barely over .500, who should be more concerned with The Sixers then what Miami's doing. If these two teams can manage to both be serious contenders at the same time (which I think they will at some point) then we might have, at least, a fun competition between two good basketball teams. But, let's not kid ourselves, it's nothing like the '90s.

Perp shoes of the week; All Star edition

In honor of the upcoming NBA All-star weekend this week's perp shoes are the Reebok Pumps. Probably the best example of dunk contest cross-promotion ever. Dee Brown had young perps everywhere pumping their sneakers so they could throw one down just like the little Celtics point guard. Of course all the pump did was tighten the shoe around your ankles a little but it still looked cool.

Best S.I. swimsuit cover ever?

Back in the old days before the internet, having a father with a Sports Illustrated subscription paid off once a year. The swimsuit issue will always have a special place in my heart. Who's the best of all time? These are my top 5, including that new Russian cover girl. Good Lord.