"Bay Ridge Jersey Shore" Not Bay Ridge or Jersey Shore Enough

Brooklyn 11223 premiered last night and predictably it was a train wreck, but maybe not for the reasons we hoped for. Ever since it was first announced that there would be a reality show set in Bay Ridge, the outcry from long time Ridge residents and Blacky has been slightly more vociferous than that over the Trayvon Martin shooting. The chief complaints were "they're going to make us look like buffoons like Jersey Shore does" and even worse "that's not even our zip code!". After spending a few minutes attempting to find the Oxygen network though - and apparently it doesn't even have an HD feed on Fios - I can tell you it's much worse than Jersey Shore. And not in a "train wreck you can't look away from" kind of good way.

The first thing you notice about Brooklyn 11223 is that the production values are really, really bad. Like bargain basement cheap. If MTV is like McDonalds for your brain - you know it's bad for you but it's still ok when you're half drunk at 2 am - then this show was the ham and cheese sandwich in a bag they serve to homeless people, criminals waiting for their appearance before the judge in central booking and New York city public high school students. I have no experience making television shows but I'm fairly certain Bottle and I could make a superior product on my iphone video camera. Jersey Shore at least looks like it's relatively cheaply made yet has competent people working on it. And while Jersey Shore is full of semi attractive people acting foolish, this show features some of the uglier, obese residents of Bay Ridge acting childish and not in a funny way. The entire series revolves around one incident that may have happened years ago (one of the girls might have slept with one of the other girls boyfriends) that would usually be one of many annoying plot points on another more interesting reality show, but instead is the focus of the show. Besides what looks like a huge brawl at Bay Ridge bar Bullshots (and the cameos of local bars and folk hero Bay Ridge Yeti dancing were the ONLY high points of the show), there doesn't seem much worth watching here.

So relax people of Bay Ridge. Yes, Brooklyn 11223 is not an entirely accurate portrayal of your sacred neighborhood, although there are definitely a good number of people living there who resemble the cast (don't believe me, just go to Salty Dog on a Friday night). And no, that's not the correct zip code. The producers have said that the show takes place all over Brooklyn, but other than a quick fight on a Coney Island beach and some scenes in a Coney Island auto shop where some of the cast works, the show is mostly set in Bay Ridge. But you shouldn't have to deal with this show for long, and I wouldn't worry about your hometown becoming synonymous with drunken, Italian stereotypes (well, anymore than it already is). This show is terrible in a way that I believe won't lead to a nationwide craze, like the millions who love the pathetic yet lovable Guido antics of Snookie and the Situation. It's just a shitty show that will lead to a quick cancellation. America might love shit, but at least we have the good taste to recognize when it's packaged nicely.

The Neighborhood Bar: We Love to Hate You

There's a bar in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn that is PTU's favorite bar. Maybe I won't go as far as saying it's our favorite, but most of us are there more than any other place in the world save for our own apartments (and even that is close).

It's nobody's favorite bar, I don't think, but somehow we end up there at least 3 times a week (work and family schedules allowing). It's not that the food is great (it's mediocre) or the crowd is so great (it's pretty terrible), but we can't resist parking our asses down on one of the stools or benches yet again and ask ourselves "Why are we here?". Not in a philosophical or existensial way, but literally why are we sitting in this bar again? It's New York City, there must be tons of bars that have the combination of vibrant crowd, delicious food and top notch beer selection that this bar lacks. I'm always hearing from other people who have more exciting lives than I do, about these magical bars that exist outside of the 3 block radius surrounding my apartment and The Slob Den. These supposed bars that the others go to serve an assortment of food that isn't named after streets in Bay Ridge and there are sometimes women at these establishments. These people take photos (most likely doctored. Technology these days) smiling alongside their reveling friends, drinks in hand, and carefree looks across their faces. No one has smiled in this bar in nearly 5 years (and that grinning clown was quickly shown the door). The people at these other bars dance to cool music supplied by hip, coke addicted d.j.'s. The soundtrack to this bar is a collective under breath murmur about the negative effects of legalized gay marriage and shrinking police pensions only slightly drowned out by Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits and Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" (that song gets played everywhere). Sometimes there's live music sung by a 42 year old drifter who sings Pearl Jam in a perfect Eddie Vedder voice and the Beatles in a perfect Eddie Vedder voice when he's not insulting the chinese man selling bootleg copies of X-Men First Class. The smiling people enjoy the finest cuisine at these other bars. Cutting edge fusion type stuff; sushi sliders or cotton candy ice cream sandwiches. The neighborhood bar serves burgers named after the surrounding streets and Calamari that tastes like rubber. Those other bars have every beer you could imagine on tap, as well as hundreds of others you never knew existed. This bar has a beer of the month that's 50 cents cheaper than the usual price and is usually something you never heard of, but after drinking it, wish you hadn't.

Yes, this bar has nothing that you'd want out of your local drinking establishment. It's across the street though (it's name rhymes with Jello Crook). Come by any day this week or next and say hello to PTU. We'll be there.

What The Hell's Going On At Fort Hamilton?

Something crazy is happening on Shore Road. For the second time in the past month, New York High School football powerhouse (and Alma mater of about half of PTU) Fort Hamilton High School is in the news for the wrong reasons.

The New Once Upon A Sundae?

The Neighborhood diner is slowly becoming extinct in New York city as many of its' iconic diners have been permanently shutting down lately (especially in Manhattan). Luckily, Bay Ridge is immune to urban progress. Bay Ridge is not hip enough for the hipsters, yet no one would ever consider it "ghetto" (as least not yet). Even as cupcake shops and art galleries are popping up in some of the most notoriously slummy areas of New York, and much of the rest of New York has become kind of boring, certain parts of Bay Ridge (most of 5th Ave. looks like Fallujah) have maintained it's uncool, same old same old identity.

One of the best examples of this is Anapoli Ice Cream Parlor on Third Avenue, a throwback to old-school neighborhood establishments like Snoot's childhood favorite, Once Upon a Sundae. Walk in this family owned business any day of the week, and you can get a Cheese Burger Deluxe (with 2 or 3 onion rings tossed in with the fries) and a milkshake for under 10 dollars (milkshake is way better than the over rated Hinsch's, which looks like a nursing home) as well as catch up on all the neighborhood gossip. Last time I was in there, some guy sitting at the counter who I never met before told me way more than I ever wanted to know about the neighborhood's history. Can't be too mad though, at least there's a history to speak about.

A message from Charles Bronson

In the wake of the recent attacks in Bay Ridge a message from Charles Bronson:

"Ok dirtbags, I've heard about what's going on in Bay Ridge lately. You crap burgers attacking poor defenseless young dames. You slime buckets think your tough guys now huh? I'm coming for you, scum bags. If the police don't defense us maybe it's up to people like us to defense ourselves. Time to take out the trash. You've been warned,
punks".

Thanks, Chuck!