Top 5 Worst Uniforms

It's not often that a topic can divide PTU...ok it happens all the God damn time. We disagree over the sky being blue. One thing that I thought would be something we all could agree on, however, was the unbelievably awful Grizzlies throwback uniforms that were unveiled last night in a nationally televised game against the Clippers (who actually wore some pretty nice throwbacks). Apparently there was a team by the name of the Memphis Tams (yes Tams) that must still have a large fan base who were clamoring for some love. Either way, stunningly, some of PTU disagreed with my assertion that this sickening combination made my eyes want to throw up. Where does this new atrocity land in the annals of crappy team uniforms?

5. Denver Nuggets (Rainbow Uniforms)


These uniforms made a bit of a comeback during the rappers wearing throwbacks craze of the early 2000's(of which I am admittedly a victim) but even if Fabolous might have rocked this jersey on 106 & Park it doesn't take away from the fact that these look like something Harvey Milk would have worn at a rally. Or the Situation.

4. Heat Black alternates

Somewhat of a controversial choice (I don't even think this is the ugliest Heat uniform) but I'll include it since one LeBron hating PTU member is so adamant about his hatred of this new alternate uni for the Hate I mean Heat. I'm usually a fan of all black team colors - it just looks more badass - but Hater J will point out that they look like they were made by FUBU or South Pole and were sold in the bargain bin at VIM in 1998. Either that or they were the away team on Hang Time. Of course, all these alternates are just excuses to get more scratch for the greedy team owners and no campaign writes itself better than "Back in Black".Black and Red is still a cooler combination though.

3. The Pirates (1970s Uniforms)

When designing a uniform there are a few basic rules to abide by: Use one solid color for the pants and top. Avoid horizontal lines (especially on the caps) and most of all, do not look like a gay bumble bee. At all costs, avoid the gay bumble bee look. The Pirates didn't listen. That didn't stop certain rappers from admiring that hat, but that is a truly ugly look. As a side note, that picture looks exactly like my father in the 70s.

2. Chicago Bears (1994 Throwbacks)

A lot of ugly things happened in 1994. John Starks's game 7, the OJ trial, Junior. But nothing compares to this disgrace of a uniform that Da Bears trotted out. This is Beetlejuice from Howard Stern type ugly right here. Movin' on....

1. Memphis Grizzlies Tams unis

All those other uniforms were kinda ugly, but HOLY CHRIST. Tim Tebow saw these and they caused him to doubt the existence of God. I'd rather stare at a spinal tap being performed while eating barbecue ribs than watch a quarter of the Grizzlies play in these uniforms. The jerseys aren't really all that bad (they kind've look like the old Slick Watts Sonics uniforms) but combined with the snot green shorts, it's a combination that is truly gag inducing. Personally, I would have rather seen the Big Country Reeves era throwbacks but I'm sure the Grizzlies are trying to forget that they ever played in Vancouver as much as I'm trying to forget I ever saw last night's Aquaman meets the Washington Generals meets a bucket of phlegm throwbacks. Fun fact about the Tams uniform (Tam stands for Tennessee Alabama Memphis): their owner also owned the Oakland A's, hence the green and yellow color combination. Hopefully, these uniforms will be retired along with the rest of the affronts to humanity on this list.

A Quick History of Jean Shorts

Even though PTU commenter Shank's new favorite player, Shumpert, got most of the attention last week, the Knicks did pick up another player in the draft. Josh Harrellson, a big lumbering white center from Kentucky who they threw a couple bucks to the Hornets for. From what I understand, he's a good rebounder who can take up some space under the basket but more importantly, the man's nickname is "Jorts". The team gave him the name because he happened to wear some rather short denim shorts to a team meeting early in his college career and I guess it stuck, but that automatically gives him the best nickname on the team (sorry STAT).

Yes, jean shorts have made a comeback this year (mostly on women) but there is a long dynamic history of jean shorts. Let's take a stroll down jorts lane:

200 B.C.:
While drawing on walls in caves, prehistoric man also stumbled upon an alarming fashion trend: jeans that are also shorts. Many of the more snooty cave-men think the jean short wearers are trying to be black.

1960s:
James Dean starts a fashion craze with his iconic leather jacket and jeans look, instantly making the denim look a sign of cool rebellion. His jean shorts look didn't make as much of an impact.

1970s:

Daisy Duke wears jean shorts on the "Dukes of Hazzard" and creates a frenzy of horny jean short enthusiasts.


1990s:
By this point, jean shorts have officially become the signature outfit for any wigger or actual black person, or simply anyone who wants to appear as if they hang out at Friendly's on a friday night and take vicodin recreationally. Jean shorts are available in every color in the rainbow. Eventually, hipsters in Brooklyn and the Lower East Side and crack heads begin cutting their shorts to create makeshift jean shorts. Usually spotted at McCarren Park kicking ass in their Sunday kickball league or smoking crack, respectively. In either situation, jean shorts are the preferred look.

2000's:

John Cena becomes the unofficial jean shorts ambassador. Also releases a rap album and does whatever else he can to keep the wigger nation alive while simultaneously killing it until Detective Holder on The Killing revived it.

Mid 2000's:
Derrick Coleman dons a pair of jean shorts in the NBA Street video game, originally known as NBA Perps.

2011:


The era of the jean shorts has returned. Not only are they now fashionable as everyone from rail-thin runway models to abusive shit-bag Chris Brown have thrown on a pair recently, but the Knicks now finally have their very own jean shorts wearing center. Ewing had the bathrobe, but Harrellson (seen above wearing what I can only assume is jorts) will lead this new generation of Knicks in a slightly different choice of attire. The future of basketball is here, and it's wearing jean shorts.

Going Gaga

Trendy tunes aside, this whole trend of wearing a garbage bag in the shape of a duck is testing my nerves.

Where did you go to fashion school, Lady Gaga?

Who gave you a license to plagiarize, Nikki Minaj?

Even when Madonna rode in on her mighty steed from Michigan with a bad men’s haircut, 2 bucks, and shoulder pads, it was annoying.

I mean, I get it. You want to express yourself. But why should your self expression interfere with my blood pressure? In other words: I’m entitled to my opinion, and here it is: Stop wearing garbage claiming it is Art. It is not Art, it is Triteness. Albeit opportunistic, it’s the furthest thing from creativity that I’ve seen since Milli Vanilli.

Allow me to detract a moment from fashion and creativity (not so much the later) to talk about how Pop stars, in particular self described creative and strong women, use the gay community to their benefit.

The gay community has traditionally been loaded with creative and strong willed people. It has also generally been an oppressed minority throughout history. My take is that this very community is tapped by the likes of Cher, Madonna, Lady Gaga, etc. for their creative know-how. Heck, it even provides a scapegoat for when things go bad – a network of outcast you can turn to for support when the shit hits the fan, rather when your hits turn to shit and your fans flock to buy next big thing. And the gay community is more than willing to accept these types among there ranks to bring awareness and notoriety to their (sometimes) out-casted club.

I’m no RuPaul, but even I know when the gay community is being exploited in these situations. LIKE RuPaul though ~I gotta WORK~. PEACE! M-M out…

Reappropriated Perp Fashion Of The Week

The North Face Steep Tech

Urban (or hip hop or minority or whatever you want to call it) fashion has a long history of taking something that was originally not meant for them, or at least not marketed to them, and making it theirs. It's kind of like the hip hop ethos itself; sampling records, writing graffiti over an existing wall or train, it's a tradition. From Polo to Tommy Hilfiger to Timberlands, rich white people clothing has turned into ghetto fads for years.

One of the best examples of whitey to perp fashion is the North Face Steep Tech jacket. Originally meant for white people to wear when scaling mountains or hiking, I can not stress enough how freakin popular this jacket was in New York in the 90's among people who probably didn't even drink Mountain Dew never mind climbed one. These days, it's sold at Jimmy Jazz and VIM and other horrible stores like that, in ridiculous combinations such as this, but the original is still a classic and there are still collectors out there who dress like Inspectah Deck did in 1993. Matched up with a Hot Shot backpack or the misguided fashion trend that was the waist bag, the North Face Steep Tech will go down in history as a reappropriated perp classic.

Super Sperm Shoes Now Available On PTU

PTU has absolutely no control over who advertises on our site (well only a very small amount of control). Earlier today I was surprised to see Super Sperm Shoes being advertised here, so I snapped a screenshot of this ad in case any of our readers missed it. Any ideas on what they mean by saying these shoes are the "Rx for Pain"??

Please keep this guy in power!

Qaddafi is a gold mine of jokes. I would hate to see what happens if he faded from the public consciousness. Just click through on the links and you'll see what I mean.

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