Happy Birfday, Nas: Top 5 Nas Songs Not On Illmatic

Jay-z once rapped that people in Brooklyn "argue all day about who's the best M.C., Biggie, Jay-z or Nas". It's a debate that will never end for rap fans. Not counting Biggie, who most people revere in Brooklyn like he invented pizza by the slice, it's really a 2 man race. Most people who know what "the purple tape" is will rate Nas and Jay-z 1 and 2 in varying order depending on their personal tastes. Being proud Brooklynites, most of PTU will probably rank Jigga slightly ahead of Esco, despite those silly nicknames, but the debate will never end. Personally, I think Nas is a more skilled rapper than Jay, but Jay's had a better career. Kind of like LeBron is more skilled than Kobe, but that doesn't mean he's a better player (at least not yet). Nas might be the best lyricist EVER, but for whatever reason he hasn't been able to put everything together consistently. His beat selection is a little off, and he can come off at best preachy and worst corny. This isn't to say he hasn't put out classic songs throughout his 20 year career. If we were to honestly put out a top 10 Nas list it would just be "Illmatic" but he's had some other gems aside from his epic debut. In honor of the little homies 39th birthday (good God, we're getting old) here's a few of my favorites post Illmatic:

5) Locomotive ft. Large Professor (Life is Good)

Yes, one of Nas's five best ever songs was on his most recent album. Part of my obsession with this track might be nostalgia for classic era hip hop (Nas even shouts out his "trapped in the 90s niggas" a couple times at the end), and another part is my lowered expectations for anything Nas has released for the past, oh, 15 years. But that doesn't take away from the fact that this is just a really, really good song.

4) Undying Love (I Am)

Remember how I said Nas might be the best lyricist in rap history? One aspect of his lyrical ablities that's a little under rated is his story telling, which is really, really good. Case in point the last track on the otherwise dissapointing I Am (the one with Nas looking like a Sphinx on the cover). Maybe the most vivid story I've heard on a rap song (even more than Story to Tell), Undying Love finds Nas coming home from Vegas to propose to his girl, only to find that he's been cuckolded by some poor fool. The last verse finds Nas and his Braveheart buddies (the subtle detail of Horse getting his foot stuck in the door is great) shooting it out with the cops before accidentally shooting his girlfriend and turning the gun on himself. "Now unto God we elope" is something you'll never hear in a 2 Chainz song. The racist cop finding their bodies at the very end is also a nice subtle touch. Great song.

3) I Gave You Power (It Was Written)

Another example of Nas's fine storytelling abilities. The whole "inanimate object personification" thing has been done to death in hip hop, usually involving someone rapping about a gun or weed as their woman (see Me and My Girlfriend by Tupac or Mary Jane by Scarface or a million other fucking songs). In 1996, though, this was still a pretty radical concept. Supposedly Nas didn't really want to do this, thinking it was a little too artsy for the mid 90s rap crowd that didn't listen to Organized Konfusion, but he eventually did it, and it's a classic track. Also featuring one of the least DJ Premierish DJ Premier beats (no scratched chorus for starters), this is a standout track on Nas's sophomore album.

2) Phone Tap (The Firm)

Nas, AZ, Foxy Brown and a couple other Queens and Brooklyn rappers joined forces with Dr Dre to create The Firm. They made an album in the late 90s that is widely considered a flop, mostly because Dr. Dre himself famously rapped that it was on a song most likely written by Eminem. Also, it was a bit dissapointing commercially and critically. As always, blame for a rap album flopping falls squarely and unfairly on the record label's shoulders. They probably shouldn't have released the awful Firm Biz as the first single and instead went with Phone Tap, which is a classic. The Dre beat on this is so great that it was a hit song for Carl Thomas about a year later.

1) The Message (It Was Written)

As previously mentioned, Illmatic is worshipped by rap fans, and even some people who aren't that into rap. A follow up was bound to fail, or at least come as somewhat of a dissapointment. However, the first real track on this destined to fail sophomore album starts out very promisingly. Built around a Sting sample, Nas spits quotable after quotable. "A thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers" will probably be on the tombstone of millions of people over this next century and if not then it should be.

Honorable Mention: Affirmative Action ft. The Firm (It Was Written)

I have trouble even calling this one a Nas song since it's a posse cut in the truest sense of the term but I'd hate myself if I didn't mention Affirmative Action. "Life's a bitch but God forbid the bitch divorce me, I'll be flooded with ice so hell fire can't scorch me". C'mon now, Nas.

Other Honorable Mentions: A Favor for A Favor ft. Scarface (I Am) (Motown Marxist's Favorite), Ether (Stillmatic), Street's Disciple (Street's Disciple), The World Is An Addiction (Life Is Good), Nas is Like (I Am), You're the Man (Stillmatic)

Top 5 Down Syndrome Athletes

The Cleveland Indians were in town to play the Yankees a couple weeks ago, and were easily swept out of the Bronx. As unsurprising at that might be the way the Yanks have been playing lately, there was one nice surprise: the return of Shelley Duncan! You might remember Shelley taking New York by storm a few years ago, cementing his legacy as another semi retarded looking White guy who caught lightning in a bottle for a few weeks with the Yankees (see Bubba Crosby, Shane Spencer, etc.). Where does Shelley rate in the all time down syndrome looking athlete hall of fame?

5) Timofey Mozgov

Remember Timofey? He had one good game for the Knicks and was then shipped off along with about half of the team for Carmelo Anthony? His claim to fame is that his last name is now a verb thanks to this. To be fair to Timmay, a lot of these eastern European guys look like their mother chain smoked when she was pregnant with them because she probably did, but Timofey is especially "special" looking. Blake Griffin should be ashamed of himself.

4) Shelley Duncan

There's Shelley. As I mentioned earlier, he belongs to that revered group of White guys who came out of apparent nowhere to have exciting shortlived careers with the Yankees. As exciting as those guy's shining moments were though, imagine if an actual dude with down syndrome were to somehow make it through the Yankees farm system and have a positive impact on the team. If he hit one home run, the hype around it would make Linsanity seem like the attention given to a WNBA preseason game. Mike Lupica would puke from excitement. Down Syndrome is so much cooler than being Chinese.

3) Chris Kaman

I've already written about this zombie looking creature before. You might have seen Chris suit up for the German men's basketball team a few years ago. He might only be like 1/8th German, but his looks are 100% mongoloid.

2) Shelden Williams

Shelden seems like a nice guy, and he was a hard worker in his couple months with the Knicks. Kind of like a less annoying Jared Jeffries. Of course, these are all descriptions you would give to someone who actually has Down Syndrome. Fortunately for Shelden, his large misshapen head wasn't enough to scare off Candace Parker. For now, Shelden holds the title of weirdest looking former Blue Devil, and seeing as how that list includes Mike Dunleavy Jr., Carlos Boozer and Cherokee Parks, that's saying something.

1) Sam Cassell

On the Sopranos, Johnny Sack once said to Paulie Walnuts "In the museum of noses, that is the mona lisa". Well, if Johnny was a Nets fan in the late 90s (and he might have been) he probably saw the Mona Lisa of down syndrome athletes, Sam Cassell running the point. Sam's worn a lot of hats in his basketball life: rookie contributor to championship team, wily vet, assistant coach. But all of those titles pale in comparison to his rightful position as head retard of the NBA. He easily could have starred in the Special Olympics but, being the hero that he is, instead played in the NBA. I kid Smilin' Sam, of course, but I'm just bitter about what he did to the Knicks in the 94 Finals. Ugly bastard.

Top 5 Hottest Female Athletes

You may have heard the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", probably as some ugly person's Facebook status. That's true, as one person's "hottest girl ever" is another's "fat, plastic cow" (often known as the Kim Kardashian theory). Even more important than the beholder, though, is the setting that the person is placed. For example, that one girl in your office who everyone drools over wouldn't get a second look walking through Manhattan. She's "office hot". This phenomenon translates to the world of sports as well. It's a well known fact that most female athletes at the professional (or at least televised) level are testosterone packed freaks of nature, and are decidedly unhot. Any woman who doesn't look like Jim Carrey's amazon character on In Living Color is suddenly deemed "so hot!" by us horny male viewers. You're going to see a prime example of this over the next couple months as we'll be forced to hear how ridiculously hot Lolo Jones is, the 29 year old virgin Olympic athlete, who is basically the definition of "athlete hot". She's built like Michael Johnson but does have some pretty eyes. Still, she's already reached over rated status, and the Olympics haven't even started. There are a few female athletes who would be hot anywhere though.

5) Maria Sharapova


A mainstay for years on people's hottest female athletes list, Sharapova is still keeping her spot in the top 5 alive. While Anna Kournikova was undoubtedly hotter (and still is) Code 73.4 of the Pervy Sports Fan Blogger sanctions (and Mr D) forbids us from adding her to this list since she hasn't been an active athlete for many years and now mostly lays on the beach with Enrique Iglesias, Sharapova is still a winning player. The fact that she's married to Sasha Vujacic detracts from her hotness a little though.


4)Danica Patrick


While slightly overrated because she can drive a car better than most dudes, and is surrounded by rednecks, Danica is still hot. It seems like she tries to overcompensate for constantly being in a helmet with the Go Daddy commercials and swimsuit modeling, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she could get it.


3) Jennie Finch


While some (like Hater J) might think she looks like a random white chick you could pick up at Off The Wagon after a pitcher of Coors Light and some chicken wings, you can't deny that she is one of the hottest athletes ever. It helps that the majority of softball playing women look like this but I think you could stack her up against any group of 9 chicks and she would still stand out.


2) Natalie Gulbis


On the totem pole of hot female athletes sports golf is somewhere at the bottom (with a few exceptions), next to field hockey and bowling but there's one golfer who catches our eye, and not because she wears pants like Chi Chi Rodriguez. No, it's because she has big ol' boobs and stretches like that. Fun Fact: That pic has been Snoot's screensaver on his computer for the past 3 years.

1)Malia Jones


Ok, so technically Malia is a model as well as being a surfer, so she barely counts as a professional athlete, but why don't you try coming up with 5 really hot female athletes? It's like picking the 5 best shows on BET, or the 5 most interesting things to do in Staten Island. So we're going to stick with a surfer/model as number one. Any excuse to post pics of her is fine with me.

Top 5 Crackhead Athletes

To quote another Dave Chappelle character, Cocaine is one helluva drug. And so is crack (or so I've heard). We all know that crack is wack, but some of our greatest athletes have enjoyed a toke off the pipe from time to time. In every case, it no doubt affected their careers and lives negatively but who are we to judge? We all have our addictions that are slowly killing us; smoking, sex, Indian food. Whatever your poison is, none of us could play at half of the level that these guys did sober as a judge, never mind while battling substance abuse. Craaaack.

5) Shawn Kemp


As far as I know, Shawn only dabbled in cocaine and not in it's poorer cousin, but we had to have at least one basketball player on this list. Imagine if the Reign man had played in today's NBA, with his ridiculous highlights and with Twitter and YouTube. He probably would be married to Lady Gaga right now or something. Instead, he developed a "booger sugar" habit, got as fat as Betty Draper and had a million babies. That's probably better than being married to Lady Gaga I guess.

4) Josh Hamilton


The man known as "The Natural" because of his seemingly innate ability to hit a baseball really far and he's White, is tearing up the majors these days, most notably with his ridiculous 4 home run, 18 RBI game last night against the O's. What if's are dangerous, but what if he'd spent his early twenties as a productive player instead of sucking the glass pipe and stealing chicken fingers or whatever it was he was doing. He'd probably finish his career with 900 home runs and go down as the greatest player ever. Even so, he's still well on his way to the HOF, but we'll never know.

3) Darryl Strawberry


Despite his own battle with the rock, Darryl was available to resurrect his career with the other New York baseball team. Before winning a Series with the Yanks, though, Strawberry was one of the brightest young stars in the game with the Mets. His career took many different turns including cancer, but it's a toss up between his crack head status or his NY playing career being his lasting legacy. Either way, Daaaaarylllll is another sad case of wasted talent.

2) Doc Gooden


I could have probably just made this list "THE 1986 NEW YORK METS" and been done with it, but that would be boring. Gary Sheffield's cousin was one of the fastest rising phenoms in sports history (look at his numbers, he had more complete games his rookie season than an entire roster would today), yet also had his career derailed by blow and it's many forms. Eventually, he'd also find his way to redemption with the Yankees before messing up his life a couple more times. Now, he seems sober, I guess, and recently made the talk show circuit with his book about his wild days (including the story of how he was doing lines in a Long Island housing project during the Mets' victory parade).

1) Lawrence Taylor


If we just did a list of the top 5 greatest New York athletes of all time period, L.T. might top the list, which makes it all the more impressive that he could also top this list of crack heads. Of all the sports, I would think football would lend itself most to the crack head lifestyle. You take a couple hits before kickoff and run around like a maniac, ready to rip the heads off of your opponent. I'm surprised more players haven't tried some crack before games. At the very least, it would ease the pain of having a 350 pound man jam his helmet into your shoulder blade. L.T. lived fast, with lots of drugs and hookers, and he's still around to tell the tales as well as have sex with hookers. Lawrence Taylor, the number one crackhead athlete of all time.

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Top 6 Samuel L. Jackson Cameos

You probably heard there's a movie coming out on Friday called The Avengers. It's the culmination of basically every Marvel superhero movie that's come out in the past 4 or 5 years. It's going to be awesome and make 8 zillion dollars in it's first weekend. You're going to talk about it this weekend with someone guaranteed even if you're just saying "ehh I don't know, Thor was pretty lame, I don't think I'm going to see it". But you will talk about it. And we don't know if it'll be really cool like the first Iron Man, or not so great like I heard Thor was, but I'll definitely think about it in between the mass of sporting events this weekend. One thing we do know about it is it will feature Samuel L. Jackson as black Nick Fury, a guy who already cameoed in the other Marvel movies leading up to this. Sam's made like 38 thousand movies, and maybe 10 of them have been really good, but he is the master of the memorable cameo, popping up in all sorts of movies for a few minutes and then either disappearing or dying. What were his top 6 motherfuckin cameos? (6 because I couldn't settle on 5).

6) Kill Bill



Sam's a Tarantino favorite, along with Michael Madsen and Uma Thurman's feet. He's starred in or cameoed in almost every flick that Q.T. has directed (including an uncredited voiceover in Inglorious Basterds). In this one, he just pops up for a second playing the guitar, but it was a welcome surprise.


5) Coming to America
Sam is so awesome in this as a deranged stick up man who attempts to rob McDowell's. This performance falls into his early crackhead stage, which was also on display in Jungle Fever. He is eventually taken down by Akeem and Semi and called a rhinoceros pizzle or something but not before turning in one of his most ripping cameos.

4)Iron Man

The Avengers was still years away, but fanboys were first introduced to the idea that there would be a movie at all with Sam's quick cameo at the end of the credits as Nick Fury and millions of comic book geeks lost their friggin' minds.

3) Goodfellas


This might be more than a cameo, I suppose, since he actually has a couple lines and a name, but Stacks was one of those "guy who shows up and promptly dies" characters that I mentioned earlier. Dying in your tighty whiteys after a night with one of your bitches is embarrassing but there are certainly worse ways to go than Joe Pesci pumping 6 shots into your head in slow motion. "You're gonna be late for your own funeral".

2) The Other Guys

This slightly underrated Will Ferrell movie from a couple years ago is great for about an hour and change before devolving into a kind of lame action movie, but until then it's vintage Ferrell. And it also includes one of the best SLJ cameos, although he actually was a large part of the marketing campaign, making his early demise alongside The Rock so funny. "Let's do this".



1) Deep Blue Sea

This movie is pretty forgettable besides LL Cool J's soundtrack song that featured an amazing chorus (DEEPEST! BLUEST! MY HAT IS LIKE A SHARK'S FIN!!!) and Sam's cameo and second straight early demise on this list. After delivering a stirring monologue, he's promptly eaten by a shark. Now that I think of it, I could have made this list top 5 Sam Jackson death scenes, since he dies in almost every movie he's in. Stay tuned for that list coming soon.

Top 5 White American NBA Players

Man, this was a tough one. Over liters of dark German beers at West Village bar Peculier Pub on Friday night, Snoot, Bottle and I somehow got to discussing the best White players in the NBA. Discounting Europeans and mixed race players this is about as tough as choosing the top 5 hottest WNBA players (believe we tried that one before too). But, being the suckers for a good list that we are, we decided to go for it anyway. We all know that there's been a severe decline in the White player going back some years now (SI did a story on this way back when)but I hadn't even realized it's THIS BAD. We've heard a lot about the lack of black baseball players but I could easily tick off 5 great African-American players who are active in the Majors. Long gone are the days of Dave Debusschere, Bill Walton, Larry Bird, hell even Jason Williams and Wally Sczerbiak would be an upgrade from most of what passes for a good White guy these days in the league. What did we rack our brains to come up with for White America and the NBA? Since the first one is easy, we'll start there and then go in descending order of White crappiness.

1) Kevin Love


A no brainer. The subject of a recent "what if he were a different race" PTU post, K Love may be a minority in the league, but he's not letting anyone bully him. Dominating all season, Love is putting up stupid numbers on a mediocre team in Minnesota. The fact that he's white has led to some stupid Larry Bird comparisons (his game is more Barkley and Moses Malone than Bird or McHale) but his play has put him in the running for top 5 white American player of ALL TIME if he keeps it up.

2) David Lee

The drop off from one to two is steep but wait til the next couple of guys. The one-time Knicks' all-star is still a dependable 20 and 10 guy on most nights, yet his defensive short comings are still a huge issue. Despite the occasional flashes that D Lee has showed through out his career, I don't think it's a coincidence that he's never been on a .500 team. He is definitely white, though, and stats like his leave him second to only one.

3) Steve Novak



Ok, I said the drop off was steep. A virtually unheard of journey man turned cult figure in New York this season, Novakane has demonstrated his 3 point prowess as a valuable member of the Knicks this season. Unfortunately, Steve is about as one note a player as there has ever been in the league. Even though he's nearly as tall as A'Mare, you're more likely to see Ben Wallace shoot a 3 then see Super Novak post up anyone. In the same vein as White players like Steve Kerr or Jason Kapono, Steve is the ultimate specialty player, he's in for one reason and one reason only. At least he has the only white guy celebration move in the league.

4) Chris Kaman


- This guy was actually an all star a couple years ago. Imagine that. I'm sure he still has some talent but there are a couple of factors working against this zombie looking fool. Firstly, he played in the Olympics for Germany which would normally eliminate him from the White American discussion. He's like 1/16th German. I'm all for national pride but how much love can you feel for a country that your great grandmother was from? That's stupid but another factor against the Kamanator is he's totally fallen apart since the Chris Paul trade. Just as that trade ruined Lamar Odom's fragile psyche it seems to have done the same for this ugly bastard. He's been off and on the injured list, has put up numbers way below his career averages and has recently missed more than a week's worth of games...with the flu! Who takes off a week because of the flu? I know playing for David Stern's Hornets in April isn't quite the same as going up against the Jazz in the finals, but man up, you punk. To make matters worse, he sat on the bench during the Lakers game on Saturday. If you're well enough to put your suit on and drive to the arena you could play the game. If I were one of his teammates I would have punched him in the balls.

Anyway, he's still one of the 5 best White American players in the league.

5) Mike Dunleavy Jr:

We are really scraping the bottom of the cracker barrel now. Dunleavy has been the typical white Duke player throughout most of his career. That is, he's been a severe disappointment to everyone and bounced around from mediocre team to mediocre team. But, he's still got some skills as evidenced by his Reggie Miller impression at the Garden last week. Another guy who had a Reggie like day at MSG this year was Ryan Anderson of the Magic. But I'm going to chalk his season up to a contract year anomaly. Also, he doesn't have any pictures as funny as that one of MD Jr.

Honorable Mentions: Ryan Anderson, JJ Redick, Kirk Hinrich, Luke Ridnour, Troy Murphy, Nick Collison, Blacky, Kyle Korver.

Top 5 Spike Lee Joints

Happy belated to the Knicks' number one fan and maybe Brooklyn's most famous resident, Spike Lee. While perhaps most well known for his die hard through-thick and-thin love of the Knicks, few people ever bring up the fact that he's a huge frontrunner when it comes to every other sport. He roots for both the Jets and the Giants equally depending on who's winning, he grew up rooting for and rooted for the Mets in the 80s when they were good, but now is seen at Yankee games and wears that stupid cap with all the pennants on it all the time. He probably would be a huge Rangers fan now if they had any brothers on the team. But, despite that douchey quality, Spike has still made a few really good films (along with some not so good). I have some issues with his film making style, mostly with his heavy handed at times preachy style and his over use of musical score, but there's a lot to like about his movies too and you can't deny his impact. What were his top 5 best?

5) Inside Man


Spike's biggest box office hit by far thanks to the presence of white people and the fact that it's one of his only forays into the heist movie genre. While I think this one was a bit over rated, and they really lost me when they got into the weird neo Nazi subplot or whatever, Inside Man was probably Spike's most entertaining flick. Plus, he wasn't in it.

4) Jungle Fever

John Turturro is great in almost everything (Transformers sucked but a guy gotta pay the bills). This one also stars a young Michael Imperioli (Chris Moltisanti from the Sopranos) and Nick Turturro as Bensonhurst guidos hating on their little sister's choice of a boyfriend. And this wasn't just any old Moolinyan, but Wesley Snipes. The blackest brother in the world. Halle Berry also pops up as a crackhead and Sam Jackson is killed by his father. It's pretty great (although the last scene is kind of lame).

3) 25th Hour


I'm a little partial to this one since the main characters are a couple guys from Bay Ridge (there's even a scene at their father's bar where the patrons are drinking beer and chanting "Let's go Yankees") but it's also Spike's most consistent work to date, in my opinion, if not the best. It doesn't veer off into any weird subplots and features one of the best monologues in film history.

2) Malcolm X

A great flick, even if you're not black (like we aren't) or aren't big fans of brother Malcolm. Spike's one truly epic bio pic is without a doubt among the best of his movies. Many feel that Denzel was robbed by the Academy (and some think it was a racist conspiracy resulting in Denzel having to be crooked before he took it) and his performance is pretty good.

1) Do The Right Thing


This is a no brainer as the number one Spike Lee joint, and he never really reached these heights again. Deals with racial issues without being overly preachy, features great performances from Turturro, Danny Aiello and even Spike himself is pretty good. Also had a great soundtrack and Rosie Perez's tits (or a close facsimile). Tons of quotable lines in this one. Sums up the racial divide in the late 80s in the scene below. Great stuff, Spike.


Honorable Mentions: He Got Game, Clockers, Mo Better Blues, Crooklyn

Top 5 Gangster Movies That Aren't The Godfather

The 40th anniversary of the Godfather's release is today, marking the day that cinema was changed forever. Seriously now, I'm not just bullshitting like James Lipton or something, the Godfather changed everything. Similar to how Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy's DNA is found all over the comedy of every black comedian that's followed them or every songwriter owes something to Bob Dylan, Coppola's masterpiece birthed the style of a million good, not so good, and flat out awful gangster flicks. Even if you've never seen it,you know at least a line or two from the movie, and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say it changed how we view the mafia or even how the mafia itself acts. Most of what we know and how we think about La Cosa Nostra and even some of how they operate comes from the Godfather. They're big fans just like us. So it goes without saying that Godfather 1 and 2 are the 2 best gangster movies of all time (we'll pretend GF3 didn't "exist", much like the Mafia no longer "exists"). But there's still been a few truly great gangster movies since then, as well as the hundreds of straight to dvd wannabe's. What were the 5 best? I also included the most gangster scenes from each.

5) King of New York

Not a Mafia movie really (although there are one or two unlucky Italian gangsters in it), but the sheer gangsterness of this movie puts it in the top 5. Some of the scenes are a little hokey, and it's a real downer (even more so than director Abel Ferrara's other big movie The Funeral despite that film's title) but it features Christopher Walken at his weird, creepy best. It also inspired an entire generation of rappers and was the inspiration for Biggie's Frank White alias. White murdering David Caruso at his partner's funeral might be the most gangster scene in the history of movies.("Hey you"). Also, this was the original KONY.

4) Casino



This one is severely slept on, partly because people think it's exactly the same as Scorsese's other great gangster movie. While there are certainly similarities (DeNiro in a lead role, Pesci fuckin people up, Rolling Stones music), Casino on it's own is a great movie despite shrill overacting from Sharon Stone. Plus, Don Rickles!

3) Donnie Brasco

Remember when Johnny Depp played normal people? Not foppish takes on Keith Richards or Michael Jackson voiced children's story characters? Donnie Brasco was one of those ordinary guys (relatively at least) that we don't see Depp do as much since he's dissapeared into Tim Burton's brain. While not as flashy as some of Scorsese's best, this is still one of the best gangster flicks ever, and even introduced a couple of entries into the gangster lingo: Fugazi and taught us what "Fugheddaboutit" really means.

2) Reservoir Dogs

Ok, so technically Resevoir Dogs and King of NY aren't Mafia movies and I guess would be considered more like crime movies, but Quentin Tarantino's directorial debut holds up to this day. Watching it now, it almost seems cliche until you remember that all those thousands of other sraight to the 5 dollar bin at Best Buy movies were just rip offs of this. In 1992, it was actually new and fresh to hear people having conversations about pop culture and to see horrific violence incongruously matched up with breezy 70s pop songs. Now, every dweeb with a Netflix account and Mac thinks they're the next Tarantino but when this movie came out there was only one.

1) Goodfellas


Was there any doubt? I go back and forth all the time about which is my favorite movie of all time, Goodfellas or the Godfather movies. While both dealing with similar subject matter, they share little else in common. Godfather is a nearly humorless, epic drenched in period seriousness while Goodfellas is just a nonstop, fastpaced tour of a gangster's life from the beginning to the end. Both are pretty much impossible to stop watching, but for different reasons, and depending on my mood I could list either as the greatest gangster movie ever. Take Godfather out of the picture though, and it's a no brainer that Goodfellas is the GOAT.

Honorable mentions: Scarface (blasphemous to some I'm sure that I left this off but these are my 5 favorites), City of God, Once Upon a Time in America.

Top 5 Worst Uniforms

It's not often that a topic can divide PTU...ok it happens all the God damn time. We disagree over the sky being blue. One thing that I thought would be something we all could agree on, however, was the unbelievably awful Grizzlies throwback uniforms that were unveiled last night in a nationally televised game against the Clippers (who actually wore some pretty nice throwbacks). Apparently there was a team by the name of the Memphis Tams (yes Tams) that must still have a large fan base who were clamoring for some love. Either way, stunningly, some of PTU disagreed with my assertion that this sickening combination made my eyes want to throw up. Where does this new atrocity land in the annals of crappy team uniforms?

5. Denver Nuggets (Rainbow Uniforms)


These uniforms made a bit of a comeback during the rappers wearing throwbacks craze of the early 2000's(of which I am admittedly a victim) but even if Fabolous might have rocked this jersey on 106 & Park it doesn't take away from the fact that these look like something Harvey Milk would have worn at a rally. Or the Situation.

4. Heat Black alternates

Somewhat of a controversial choice (I don't even think this is the ugliest Heat uniform) but I'll include it since one LeBron hating PTU member is so adamant about his hatred of this new alternate uni for the Hate I mean Heat. I'm usually a fan of all black team colors - it just looks more badass - but Hater J will point out that they look like they were made by FUBU or South Pole and were sold in the bargain bin at VIM in 1998. Either that or they were the away team on Hang Time. Of course, all these alternates are just excuses to get more scratch for the greedy team owners and no campaign writes itself better than "Back in Black".Black and Red is still a cooler combination though.

3. The Pirates (1970s Uniforms)

When designing a uniform there are a few basic rules to abide by: Use one solid color for the pants and top. Avoid horizontal lines (especially on the caps) and most of all, do not look like a gay bumble bee. At all costs, avoid the gay bumble bee look. The Pirates didn't listen. That didn't stop certain rappers from admiring that hat, but that is a truly ugly look. As a side note, that picture looks exactly like my father in the 70s.

2. Chicago Bears (1994 Throwbacks)

A lot of ugly things happened in 1994. John Starks's game 7, the OJ trial, Junior. But nothing compares to this disgrace of a uniform that Da Bears trotted out. This is Beetlejuice from Howard Stern type ugly right here. Movin' on....

1. Memphis Grizzlies Tams unis

All those other uniforms were kinda ugly, but HOLY CHRIST. Tim Tebow saw these and they caused him to doubt the existence of God. I'd rather stare at a spinal tap being performed while eating barbecue ribs than watch a quarter of the Grizzlies play in these uniforms. The jerseys aren't really all that bad (they kind've look like the old Slick Watts Sonics uniforms) but combined with the snot green shorts, it's a combination that is truly gag inducing. Personally, I would have rather seen the Big Country Reeves era throwbacks but I'm sure the Grizzlies are trying to forget that they ever played in Vancouver as much as I'm trying to forget I ever saw last night's Aquaman meets the Washington Generals meets a bucket of phlegm throwbacks. Fun fact about the Tams uniform (Tam stands for Tennessee Alabama Memphis): their owner also owned the Oakland A's, hence the green and yellow color combination. Hopefully, these uniforms will be retired along with the rest of the affronts to humanity on this list.

Top 5 Steve Buscemi Roles; Happy Birthday, Steve Buscemi you Ugly Bastard

Steve Buscemi has had an odd career (one that he spoofed in his SNL hosting duties last week) that has seen him go from dog featured comedic actor in small roles in your favorite quirky comedies and indie films to full on Cable star. From Trees Lounge to Ghost World to almost every Adam Sandler comedy ever, the one time fire fighter from Brooklyn has played quite a few characters in his day. Some of them creepy, some funny, all very, very ugly. But we're not here to talk about Steve's looks. In honor of Steve's birthday, let's take a look at Johnny Bagel's 5 favorite Buscemi roles. Despite the critical acclaim and overall awesomeness of Boardwalk Empire, Buscemi's Nucky Thompson really isn't all that great of a character so he didn't make the top 5.

5) Tony Blundetto in The Sopranos

Buscemi had already been with The Sopranos for some time in a writing and directing capacity when he made his first appearance in front of the camera as Tony's recently released from prison cousin, Tony (he was Tony "Uncle Al" while T.S. was Tony "Uncle Johnny"). If the sight of Gandolfini and Buscemi next to each other seemed strange at first (never mind that they were somehow related), his performance as Tony B. quickly put those thoughts to rest. Able to play an ex-con trying to go straight while still hanging out with Tony and the gang in the back of Satriale's, Buscemi played a believable knock around guy with his trademark quirkiness still intact. His quick descent from luckiest man in the world to lying on Uncle Pat's porch with half of his face shot off at the hand of his cousin was one of the stand out story arcs of The Soprano's 6 and a half seasons (as you can see above sans Van Morrison).

4) Donny in The Big Lebowski


The Big Lebowski is one of the best loved movies to involve bowling, nihilists played by Red Hot Chili Pepper's bassists and Steve Buscemi. Steve doesn't have too much to do in this one as the bowling loving, always out of the loop Donny, but his character does have the most memorable eulogy scene in film history (even if he doesn't appear in it).

3) Tommy in Trees Lounge

Buscemi's directorial debut features loads of familiar faces from the Sopranos and Goodfellas (the casting director would later work for Sopranos), yet despite the presence of the usual goombah actors (including a very good pre Artie Bucco John Ventimiglia), Trees Lounge is the lighter side of being a loser in Staten Island. This was the role Buscemi was born to play, an annoying, alcoholic loser who you actually end up rooting for. Although living above a bar doesn't seem all that bad.

2) Carl Showalter in Fargo

Buscemi might not be the DeNiro to the Cohen Brother's Scorsese (a couple different actors would probably fight over that title) but he was definitely a favorite of theirs during the 90s. While dweeby and awkward, Buscemi plays a dirtbag better than almost anyone this side of Mickey Rourke. And in the Cohen Bros's Oscar winning crime flick, he plays a particularly obnoxious dirtbag named Carl. Fargo's plot was the same as 98% of the other Cohen Bros. films; shlubby guy at the end of his rope comes up with a plan to make a quick buck (which usually involves a staged kidnapping) only for miscommunication and general incompetence to mess everything up. In this case, Buscemi steals the show as the loudmouth would-be kidnapper who eventually meets the wrong end of a wood chipper. "You should see the other guy" is a classic line when delivered by Buscemi after just being shot in the throat. This film also saw the screen debut of former Miami Heat Center Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

1)Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs


The film that probably introduced most people to Buscemi as something other than the guy who had one or two lines in a handful of films like King of New York or Martin Scorsese's portion of New York Stories or some other movies that didn't have New York in the title at all. Mr. Pink is Buscemi at his best. Playing a crook who doesn't know that his jewel thief partner is actually 5-0, Buscemi proves there's no honor amongst thieves. While the other guys are definitely bad asses and/or sick fucks, Mr. Pink acts as weaselish as he looks. Watching him in this now, you remember why Nucky Thompson is rather boring; Buscemi's at his best when he's a slippery, snake like small time crook not a stately, composed crime boss. The few scenes that Nucky loses it have been some of the more memorable moments of Boardwalk's first 2 seasons, but he's in his glory in Tarantino's debut. Why do they call him Mr. Pink? "Because you're a faggot, all right?!"

Honorable Mentions:

Psycho in Con Air, Creepy guy in Mr. Deeds and Nucky Thompson on Boardwalk Empire.

Happy Birthday, Steve!

Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods

Thanksgiving is a time of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, you have to deal with annoying relatives who you'd sooner spend a lifetime blocking from seeing your Facebook statuses than spend a dinner with, but there you are forced to make inane small talk about how you feel about your job for a good hour or so. Then, on the other hand, you have glorious food. Ah yes, thanksgiving food is about as good as it gets. I'm not sure if I love the stuff so much because it's only served once or twice a year or if it's just that gosh darn awesome. Either way, I feel like I could eat most of what's served on Thanksgiving every day for the rest of my life and would be content, even though that would mean I would never get my tryptophaned ass off the couch. What are the top 5?

5) Mashed Potatoes

The potato is one of those foods that's good in almost any form that it's prepared. Au gratin, baked, french fries, it's all fantastic. Mashed potatoes though, are a close second to baked potatoes as the very best type of potato (baked potatoes ability to be a vehicle for awesomeness like sour cream and bacon bits puts it over the top). Just make sure they're not too runny or chunky or you've fucked your whole holiday up.

4) Turkey with gravy

Turkey on its own is kind of a drag. It's dry and puts you to sleep while the Lions are still down by just one touchdown. But paired with gravy, it's delicious. Turkeys get so much attention around this time of year, but they're really nothing more than a vehicle for gravy. Stupid turkeys.

3) Pumpkin Pie

Apple pie might get all the love (the saying about being as American as, Jason Biggs banging it) but nothing beats a slice of pumpkin pie with some cool whip. It almost makes "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 100th time tolerable.

2) Cranberry Sauce

Some people don't like cranberry sauce. I don't understand those people since cranberry sauce is awesome. Whether sliced or in the sauce version with the little cranberries in it, it's one of the few times I don't mind sweet fruit (is cranberry a fruit?) mixed in with my meat.

1) Stuffing


Yup, stuffing. The shit that comes right out of the bird or the Stove Top kind. It doesn't matter what type of stuffing it is, that shit is crack. In the 90s there were these commercials that aired constantly that had a couple different premises: Some asshole would find a way to eat at his friends house because they were having Stove Top stuffing for dinner, and I guess their own mother was too stupid or had an alcohol problem and couldn't be bothered to provide her children with the stuffing they deserved. That mom was a real bitch. Another commercial involved two kids (one who was Hyde on That 70's Show) plotting to get their Stove Top fix. High five to stuffing! Stove Top also apparently came in a Pringles like can so you could feed your brood the stuffing they all love right out of the can. Just don't put any fruit or nuts in your stuffing, that's just gross.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!