SNL Breaks The Fat Chick Barrier

Meet Aidy Bryant the Jackie Robinson of fat comediennes. Saturday Night Live is a New York institution and has long reflected the diversity of it's home city through it's cast, with the exception of Hispanics, Asians and overweight women. Well, some of that is about to change when the 2012-13 cast takes the stage this Saturday for the season premiere. SNL has employed quite a few fat dudes throughout the years, from John Belushi to Chris Farley to Kenan Thompson (fat and black, a double whammy). But, somewhat surprisingly, this is the first time an overweight woman will grace the stage at 30 Rock as a cast member. In fact, this is the first time a non-skinny woman will be part of the not quite ready for prime time players. By and large, the show has always hired above average looking women (with the exception of a few like Gilda Radner or Molly Shannon)and left the fat guy shtick to the men. It's a double standard, for sure, but most overweight women are kind of seen as one-trick ponys to many people still. The majority of SNL sketches involve half of the cast playing the straight man (or woman) role and I'd wager that the prevailing notion for Lorne Michaels and the other decision makers is having a fat girl in a sketch would be distracting. In other words, you couldn't see a fat girl as anything other than "the fat girl". However, these are changing times, and Melissa McCarthy was probably the best host of the past few years. The writers on SNL are sophisticated enough to avoid simply utilizing Aidy as the female Chris Farley. Can you imagine the uproar if she was made to look like a pig or if there were a Patrick Swayze Chippendales type sketch built around her, where the punch line was just "look at the fat girl try to be sexy"? Even so, I anticipate Jezebel will have a 3000 word article about the sexist pigs at SNL making fun of the poor fat girl by October. At the very least, this casting should ease the load for Bobby Moynihan having to play every chubby White woman. Lena Dunham, you've been warned.

Top 5 Hottest Female Athletes

You may have heard the saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", probably as some ugly person's Facebook status. That's true, as one person's "hottest girl ever" is another's "fat, plastic cow" (often known as the Kim Kardashian theory). Even more important than the beholder, though, is the setting that the person is placed. For example, that one girl in your office who everyone drools over wouldn't get a second look walking through Manhattan. She's "office hot". This phenomenon translates to the world of sports as well. It's a well known fact that most female athletes at the professional (or at least televised) level are testosterone packed freaks of nature, and are decidedly unhot. Any woman who doesn't look like Jim Carrey's amazon character on In Living Color is suddenly deemed "so hot!" by us horny male viewers. You're going to see a prime example of this over the next couple months as we'll be forced to hear how ridiculously hot Lolo Jones is, the 29 year old virgin Olympic athlete, who is basically the definition of "athlete hot". She's built like Michael Johnson but does have some pretty eyes. Still, she's already reached over rated status, and the Olympics haven't even started. There are a few female athletes who would be hot anywhere though.

5) Maria Sharapova


A mainstay for years on people's hottest female athletes list, Sharapova is still keeping her spot in the top 5 alive. While Anna Kournikova was undoubtedly hotter (and still is) Code 73.4 of the Pervy Sports Fan Blogger sanctions (and Mr D) forbids us from adding her to this list since she hasn't been an active athlete for many years and now mostly lays on the beach with Enrique Iglesias, Sharapova is still a winning player. The fact that she's married to Sasha Vujacic detracts from her hotness a little though.


4)Danica Patrick


While slightly overrated because she can drive a car better than most dudes, and is surrounded by rednecks, Danica is still hot. It seems like she tries to overcompensate for constantly being in a helmet with the Go Daddy commercials and swimsuit modeling, but that doesn't take away from the fact that she could get it.


3) Jennie Finch


While some (like Hater J) might think she looks like a random white chick you could pick up at Off The Wagon after a pitcher of Coors Light and some chicken wings, you can't deny that she is one of the hottest athletes ever. It helps that the majority of softball playing women look like this but I think you could stack her up against any group of 9 chicks and she would still stand out.


2) Natalie Gulbis


On the totem pole of hot female athletes sports golf is somewhere at the bottom (with a few exceptions), next to field hockey and bowling but there's one golfer who catches our eye, and not because she wears pants like Chi Chi Rodriguez. No, it's because she has big ol' boobs and stretches like that. Fun Fact: That pic has been Snoot's screensaver on his computer for the past 3 years.

1)Malia Jones


Ok, so technically Malia is a model as well as being a surfer, so she barely counts as a professional athlete, but why don't you try coming up with 5 really hot female athletes? It's like picking the 5 best shows on BET, or the 5 most interesting things to do in Staten Island. So we're going to stick with a surfer/model as number one. Any excuse to post pics of her is fine with me.

Can We All Stop Saying Helen Mirren is So Damn Sexy?

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but there's certain women who everyone can agree on being the standard bearers for hotness in our current society. Every year when People magazine or Maxim or whoever releases their top 50 sexiest people, the usual suspects make the list (granted, this changes every few years depending on career trajectories and other factors but for the most part, you know who's making the cut). Occasionally, though, these lists of the ultimate sex objects, the most desirable females on the planet, sometimes try to get too cute or inclusive and we end up with some odd choices. Case in point: Helen freaking Mirren.

I'm not hating on Helen, she's a very attractive older woman, maybe the most attractive woman over 60 alive today. But have you ever been hanging out having a couple beers with a friend, who said "you know who I want to bang so bad? Jesus, that old lady who played Queen Elizabeth in that movie my girlfriend made us rent. OH MY GOD, SHE IS HOT"? If this has happened to you, you should probably ask him to stop being such a sarcastic asshole or you should stop hanging out with your grandpa so much. Mirren turned 66 last week and, God bless her, she's in tremendous shape for someone who was born during World War II, but the most SEXY WOMAN IN THE WORLD??? Jennifer Lopez being named sexiest woman by People Magazine was met with snickers for being too old and she's 20 years younger. It's nice that British society can see past age and all that, but these stupid polls aren't graded on a curve. What's the point of the poll unless it's representative of how people actually feel? Why not ask who's the sexiest left handed woman or hottest French Canadian? And this isn't just a British polling anomaly (where many of their women look like this). No, our very own Esquire Magazine (the authority on sexy women and what watch to wear with a seersucker suit), ran this piece a little while back. And now, an LA Fitness poll said she had the best body IN THE WORLD. It's the media equivalent of telling your buddy's grandmother she should be on Dancing With The Stars because she can still do the Charleston at weddings and say with a chuckle to her "if I weren't already married...". After Helen Mirren leaves the room, can we all go back to talking about the hot bridesmaid who had one too many shots of Jameson though? Sexiest woman over 60 is a bit like best dunker in an all white basketball league or best black swimmer; it's a small field. But we over rate any elder who doesn't look like Jessica Tandy as somehow sexier than Mila Kunis. One reason for this is (as Hater J pointed out) women want to be equal with men in everything, and one way is defeating the "double standard" that feminists are always going on about, that is that men age well and they don't. If it's good enough for Richard Gere, why not us? Sorry, sister, I'm all for gender equality, but facts are facts. It's also a coping mechanism for women, that if Mirren can be foxy waaay past 50, so can they. And that's true, but it doesn't make you better than the pretty, young things. Yao Ming was a great Chinese basketball player (the best ever) but I wouldn't over rate him as the best basketball player ever.

I'm fine with Helen Mirren: sexiest woman in the world (for an old broad), but if the parentheses are missing than I no longer take any stock in meaningless polls conducted by British newspapers I've never heard of. I never thought I'd see that day.

Nobody Likes The Asian Guy

Disclaimer: The stereotypes in this post are all jokes (even if they're all true).

It's sad but true. There's fetishes for everything, people have certain "types" that they're into spanning every race, color, creed, size, shape and occupation. But nobody has any love for the Asian guy.

The Asian girl gets more love than she knows what to do with. Black and white guys are lining up by the truck load for a crack at some Mushu Pork. I would say "Asian girl" is probably the number one fetish for non-Asian dudes. They can't get enough. I think it has to do with their reputation for being submissive and lack of body hair (but I could be wrong). Everyone loves the "exotic" looks of Asian girls, yellow fever is practically an epidemic. Just take a random survey of Asian girls and their partners walking through the city on any given day. You'll see more white guys than a Dave Matthews concert. Lots of girls have "things" for Latinos, black dudes, etc. No one has an Asian guy thing. If you see a white girl with an Asian guy, he's probably doing her taxes or something.

It probably stems from the old stereotypes, Asian guys aren't seen as sexy or handsome by most of America. They're always the nerd or villain in the movies we grew up watching, never the jock or hero. Girls like the athlete, not the ping pong player. They love accents, but not like the guy in that pic up there. Oh yeah, and then there's that other stereotype (I tell everyone I'm Chinese from the waist up). Most Asian guys I know don't want to come off as racist, and I have no problem with interracial dating (I wouldn't be here without it), but it's easy to see why all those black women in those Tyler Perry movies that I've never seen get so pissed at seeing black men getting snatched up by white girls. All the hot Asian chicks are with whitey.

So where does that leave the lonely Asian guy? Well, if you haven't noticed, yellow's in. For a little while last year, the top 2 artists on the Billboard top 100 were Asian for the first time. Never mind that those two artists were Far East Movement and Bruno Mars, it's still something. At least 1 and a half of the guys in Black Eyed Peas are Filipino. The number 1 boxer in the world is Asian. It's almost cool to be Asian now. I think if you're reading this and you're Asian, go out and find the first white girl you can find while the getting's good. Let's start eliminating the stereotypes one Becky at a time. It will make your ancestors proud. And if she resists at first, just tell her you're in Far East Movement. We all look the same to them anyway.

Baby Showers Blow

Baby Showers are awful.

I went to a Dominican shower once upon a time (was dragged by the girlfriend) and vowed to never attend again. Although booze, music and dancing make it better than standard "white" baby showers, they're still miserable.

Some oversized, painfully pregnant woman dances in what loooks like slow motion due to the fact her cankles are beyond swollen. People get twasted (too twasted), and it makes them acting like dick heads acceptable. You become a victim to women talking about the time they were pregnant or what it would be like if they had kids. And finally, you deal with, "Oh, that's so cute," about 50 times for some stupid clothes the kid will wear for like a month before he poops all over it, barfs all over it, or just grows out of it.

SCREW BABY SHOWERS

as told by Hater J

The Hottest Chicks Ever

We do a lot of talking about sports and other crap on here but we probably don't spend enough posts accurately representing what it is we b.s. about the most in our real lives; girls. Celebrity, non-celebrity whatever. Who's hotter is probably the biggest point of discussion in most dudes' conversations with other dudes. Of course, this is all relative, one mans' hottest girl is another's mediocre girl and the answers would probably change depending on culture and age.

So, the best way to decide this is to break it down by time period, the absolute hottest chicks of each decade as we see it.

The 1960's

Racquel Welch


Most of our fathers probably had a poster of her on their walls, Racquel here has definitely stood the test of time.

Marilyn Monroe

Yeah, she's really more of an icon now than any dude's fantasy, but there's no denying she was smokin' hot in her day (plus she looks a lot like the chick who we'll proably end up picking to be number 1). On top of that, she banged a President (back when that meant something).

Coming Soon: The Hottest Chicks of the 1970's.

New England Patriots Cut Tom Brady's Balls From Team

Unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worse for Tom Brady, as recent photos show him sporting a ponytail. It has been widely documented that Gisele has ordered Tom to grow his hair out, but this has to be crossing some type of line.

Question: Is Gisele worth giving up your manhood and wearing a 1980's white trash ponytail?

Best S.I. swimsuit cover ever?

Back in the old days before the internet, having a father with a Sports Illustrated subscription paid off once a year. The swimsuit issue will always have a special place in my heart. Who's the best of all time? These are my top 5, including that new Russian cover girl. Good Lord.