Coughgate: Another Reason not to Like The Miami Heat

Has it ever been one wild season for Miami. Way back in November there was bumpgate, then crygate, missed clutch shotsgate, Retardedgate, gategate (LeBron and Wade jumped over a gate), and now the most annoying scandal of the season: Coughgate (or as some outlets are reporting it, snifflegate). By now, everyone's seen video of the two superfriends yukking it up on their way out of practice as D Wade made light of Dirk Nowitzki's much hyped coughing fits from game 4. Most people are classifying this as just another example of the unwarranted arrogance and all around dick headedness of the Heat, including Dirk himself, who called their antics "childish" and "ignorant". I'd have to agree with Dirk that this was very childish behavior on their part, and I also agree that it's time to move past this horrible affront to humanity and focus on what is the biggest game for at least 20 player's careers tomorrow night. Coaches' and player's careers are on the line here. But Wade (who's been the good one for most of the season) and LeBron and whatever supporters they have left shouldn't act like they're shocked that people are making any kind of deal out of this (or that douche-bags like me are writing 500 word blog posts about it).

For most players, a triple double on 45% shooting would be seen as a career night in the finals, except everything that LeBron has stood for over his career has singled him out as more than an average player or average mortal, for that matter. The chosen one, King or whatever other crap you want to call him, are not labels that are forced on him. He never said, "cool it guys, I'm just one of the guys". His decisions, and his Decision, were all marketing schemes to separate him from the pack. He wasn't built in a Nike factory in Korea in order to put up Lamar Odom numbers. There weren't ESPN cameras at Jason Terry's high school games. If LeBron doesn't do the spectacular, the Heat season will be over and so will the myth of the Chosen King (something even I bought into a couple weeks ago). Now, Wade has joined the pity party, basically claiming that everything they do is taken the wrong way because of who they are, and claiming that what he was mocking with the cough routine was actually the overblown media coverage that him and Bron knew it would cause. Like he's some type of satirist now; Oscar Wilde Wade.

Anyway, Wade's beef (and Bottle's) that he and LeBron are unfairly targeted or that the Heat's every move is wrongly magnified all the way down to the intent of their coughs, is way off base. The reason that we all make a big deal out of seemingly small things with Miami, is they wanted things that way. If you exaggerate your own personas and accomplishments to ridiculous heights, then you can't be upset when your criticisms are equally outrageous and petty. Same goes for LeBron's seeming bewilderment at the ridicule that's being tossed his way over his failures in crunch time this series. Now he wants to point out how all he cares about is winning and how we fans and those in the media don't understand that basketball has a defensive side too. Well, boo hoo, Bron, you can't have it both ways. It's similar to the girl who wears a see through dress and then acts like she's shocked when everyone stares at her nipples all night. If you throw a celebration for signing a contract, have a primetime special dedicated to you, and make fun of the one guy who's kicking your ass for 2 weeks, then you have to deal with the repercussions: all eyes are on you.

PTU EXCLUSIVE: LeBron James Interview

We're all pretty excited around here. In only our 4th month in existence and with not one press credential among us, we were able to score an exclusive post game interview with the most polarizing figure in sports after yet another late game meltdown.

PTU: LeBron, thanks for taking some time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us for a couple minutes. I know the media's been pretty harsh towards you lately.

LeBron: Thanks for having me, I love reading you guys, especially Bottle. He cracks me up and has supported me since day one.

PTU: Yeah, he's great. Now down to brass tacks. So, LeBron, what is it exactly that has been holding you back during the big moments in the Finals? You seemed to have everything going for you just a few weeks ago. Me and Bottle had already said you were now the closer and King. What gives?

LeBron: Well, uh, this is kind of hard to say...My vagina has been bothering me.

PTU: I'm sorry, I thought you said your vagina. Your what was bothering you? Shoulder?

LeBron: My vagina.

PTU: vagina?

LeBron: yes, my vagina. I've kept it a secret for a while. Even adopted a couple of kids to cover it up but I have a vagina. A big, sloppy, sometimes irritable vagina.

PTU: Well, this is big news.

LeBron: I wanted to break it here first. Plus, Oprah just retired so...

PTU: Thanks, LeBron. So, let's get down to business. Do you wear a jock strap?

LeBron: i have a specially made vagina strap.

PTU: Interesting. Do you have any issues with the menstrual cycle? Is this a normally functioning vagina?

LeBron: It's as normal as any other. To be honest, I've had a pretty heavy flow lately. I can't believe I'm telling you guys this.

PTU: it's ok, we're known for getting transgenders through tough times.

LeBron: No homo though.

PTU: Of course. Now, have you had any issues with yeast infections?

LeBron: All the time. In fact, remember when I bricked that 3 last night in the last 2 minutes?


PTU: Yeast infection?

LeBron: Bingo. It can be really irritating. Throws off my jump shot. Not making any excuses or anything though. I feel like I'm a two way player. I think I can help my team defensively even when my shot's not really falling. That and I have extraordinarily large female genitalia.

PTU: Do you sit down to use the bathroom?

LeBron: Well, I have a functioning vagina so yes.

PTU: Right, of course. How has having this vagina affected your relationship with team mates?

LeBron: Well, at first I think it took some of the guys by surprise, but now I think they've learned to embrace my vagina.

PTU: Well, this has truly been eye-opening, LeBron, and we want to thank you for shedding some light on a topic that is all too often ignored: professional athletes who have lady parts.

LeBron: Hey, what can I say? I got a huge pussy.

PTU: Love to talk more but I know you're busy. Thanks, and good luck in game 6, Bron.

LeBron: Appreciate it, man.

The Return of The Perp Shoe: Barkley Edition

Charles Barkley's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he is opinionated, and that's enough to make any former athlete a superstar in the usually bland commentator world. Chuck was once a dominating force in the paint though, and his sneakers were probably the second most popular basketball shoes to Jordans in the 90s. (although Penny Hardaway may take exception to that from wherever he is now). Before he was everyone's favorite goof ball tv analyst and said things were "turrible", Sir Charles was one bad man who, when not tossing fans through windows or mistakenly spitting on little girls, had two of the more memorable Nike ad campaigns: Godzilla vs. Barkley and the iconic "I'm not a role model" commercials.

PTU WNBA Preview

As we enter the dog days of summer, there's a faint ray of light that shines on the boring sports landscape every June: The WNBA! They got next! To prove that we're not actually Chauvinist pigs here at PTU let's give a little love to the lady hoopers. Let's preview the Eastern Conference, fellas!


Philadelphia Liberty Belles:
One of the 8 original WNBA teams and perennial powerhouse, the Liberty Belles are led by forward/center Shanelle Bourveiouisx (pronounced like it's spelled) who last season set an WNBA record with 15 straight triple doubles. The Belles are coached by former child actor Rick Shroeder who has done an admirable job.

Cleveland Unicorns:
The Unicorns dominated their division last year despite the mid season move from their local arena to a high school gym in nearby Dayton, Ohio. On the bright side, they had 10 sellouts in their final 20 games.

Boston Bedazzlers:
Jessica Pricely led a young Bedazzlers squad to a .500 record last season, even while recording a ska album under the moniker Janet Price and the Ponies, that was at the top of the college radio hot 100 chart for a record 9 straight weeks.

Miami Flames:
While their less popular brother team battles it out in the NBA Finals, the Flames are looking to improve upon last season's 2 win season. Rookie point guard Dataneesha McBride-Johnson will look to push the pace just like she did for East Nevada State last year.

Stay tuned for the Western Conference preview never!

Night of The Living Haters

If last Thursday's meltdown in Miami was Christmas for LeBron haters, then last night's no show was New Year's Eve, your 21st birthday and losing your virginity all rolled in one. Much like how the previous 2 rounds of unprecedented LeBron clutchness and awesome play in the 4th quarters were the worst possible ways for the Heat to win for Hater nation, these 2 losses in the Finals have been like Manna from heaven. You might have thought (as I did) that the haters were dead and buried by the sheer power of James and the Heat, but the hater has been resurrected. LeBron and the Heat choke away a 15 point fourth quarter lead after their usual premature celebrations (LeBron you punk!), and now LeBron barely shows a pulse in what might have been the turning point of the series, scoring in single digits for the first time in his 90 game playoff career (LeBron shrinks again!). It can't get any better as an Exhibit A for the haters.

Last night's performance was eerily similar to game 5 vs. the Celtics last season, the game that some people (including, most angrily, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert) accused Bron Bron of intentionally quitting on the team since he already had South Beach in his sites. So what's the excuse now? The only justification for all the douche baggery of "The Decision" and the pre season "we did it" circle jerk to calling yourself King would be winning what he claims is most important to him: a championship. Yet, in the biggest game of the season (before tomorrow's game stole that title) in which Miami could have dealt a knock out blow to the Mavs, LeBron comes out lacking any aggression and playing as passively as ever. It's all very strange and is proving the haters right. He's so talented and physically gifted that those of us who were on the fence about the guy (I'd put myself in that category even though I'm a Heat hater) wanted to believe that any game like last night or Game 5 vs. Boston had to be because of an ulterior motive, like a teammate was banging his mother, or he wanted to force his way out of the city. Maybe he's just not built for the spotlight like we thought. Even scarier, maybe Hater J is right and he's just a pussy. Anything less than a game winner and a 35 point average over the next 2 or 3 games, and it'll be hard to erase the memory of last night and game 5 from LeBron's legacy. The haters are on the verge of a takeover.

PTU Snooty Beer of the Week Returns

I took a little break from the Snooty beer listing but am coming back this week with one that is a great way to get introduced to Snooty Beer: Captain Lawrence Liquid Gold. This is one of the best featured beers that were available at Hop Devil Grill during the Hater J birthday celebration.

This beer is a good one to introduce to your friends that seem to drink Miller Lite (sorry M@d Scientist) every time you go to a bar with real beer. While relatively strong (6% ABV), it has a light color and isn't as bitter as some of the more hoppy snooty beers like an IPA. You can start feeding your crappy beer drinking friend these and the light color and somewhat less bitter taste will lull them into a false sense of security until they realize this stuff is twice as strong as their normal light beer crap. Next thing you know they will be pre-gaming with Dogfish Head World Wide Stout.

If you want to read a more detailed technical analysis you can find that here, but otherwise just pick some up this summer.

Can We Compare Dirk To Larry Bird?

Dirk Nowitzki (that's him up there looking like the prime suspect in the Long Island Serial Killer case) has catapulted himself into the conversation of best player in the league thanks to his unbelievable play of late. The funny thing is how far away he was from the discussion just a couple months ago. If you had asked just about anyone outside of Dallas or Frankfurt before this years postseason, they would have left Dirk off the list of the top 5 current players, never mind a place amongst the all time greats. This playoffs have changed everyone's (including my own) perspectives on the big German. And as we nostalgia obsessed old fogies are apt to do, we have to begin comparing him to players from the past (as unfair as that is to the modern player), and due to obvious factors, Dirk gets the Larry Bird comparison. During a recent Bill Simmons podcast, Celtic lover Simmons and his guest went as far as suggesting that Dirk has had a better career than Larry Legend because of Bird's injuries. This is crazy.

Kobe and LeBron get the Jordan comparisons, which is mostly because of their own Jordan obsessions. Despite both of them saying how much they hate being compared to MJ, LeBron wore number 23 for most of his career and Kobe is practically a Jordan impersonator. It's creepy how much (particularly in the early years) Kobe would mimic Jordan's mannerisms and speech patterns like the Talented Mr. Ripley or something. Dirk, of course, is white so Larry Bird is the first thing that comes to mind, but unlike with every other half way decent Caucasian player, this comparison makes some sense (Keith Van Horn had nothing in common with Bird other than neither of them had an upper lip). Besides the physical similarities between Dirk and the Hick from French Lick, neither of them can jump over a phone book, both have proven to be late-game specialists and both of them are in the running for greatest jump-shooter of all time, as well as greatest jump shooters over 6'9". Now that we've gotten that out of the way though, let's face facts. There's no way Dirk should be mentioned in the same breath as Bird as far as careers.

Scottie Pippen got rightfully roasted these past couple of weeks for saying that LeBron might be better than Michael, and anyone who says Dirk is as good or better than Bird should also have their head examined. Bird won 4 championships, and hit about a thousand (roughly) clutch shots and game winners in the playoffs. Dirk, thus far in a 13 year career, has one great Finals game and his teams have either been ousted prematurely (including one of the biggest upsets in sports history) or blown a huge series lead every season he's been in the playoffs. Not to mention that Bird was a premiere passer (maybe the best passer over 6'8" of all time) and made all defense twice, both things that Dirk struggles with. Bird may have had a superior supporting cast but that doesn't take away from the fact that the majority of Nowitzki led teams have choked down the stretch, no matter how awesome he has been so far this season.

It's easy to compare current players to the past, but it's usually not fair to either party. Dirk is a great player, and regardless of whether or not the Mavs find a way to win 3 of the next 4 games against Miami, his name definitely belongs in the top 20 players of all time (he's already a hall of famer without a championship ring). But Kobe's not Jordan, neither is LeBron and Dirk sure as hell is not Larry Bird.

Cops: They Are Such Douchebags

Now I understand that some perks come with the job - like ticket-fixing, parking at pumps, free donuts, etc. - and I accept this without being critical. I understand that in the line of duty, in a heated situation where split-second decision-making is crucial to save lives, cops are often unfairly criticized for their actions (like in the Sean Bell case, for instance - where I believe the cops did nothing wrong). But when it comes to a scandal like the recent rape charge, there is nothing left to do but throw your hands and admit: man, so many of these cops are just stupid, smug assholes.

I agreed with the verdict: the accuser admitted that she was blacked-out drunk, and in the end there wasn't any evidence (such as DNA) to sufficiently prove that rape occurred. But still, for this idiot cop to come in and out of her apartment multiple times, to get in bed with her, to sing her Bon Jovi - MAN, are these guys stupid assholes.

With all the teacher-bashing and Wall-Street-hating going on, why isn't there more of a focus on bad cops? At least teachers and Wall Street execs have strong qualifications, unlike cops who need like 6 credits of gym to make it on the force. You know, if you look into it, that one bastard kid in high school who was practically brain dead - who got into fights for no reason and had trouble passing remedial classes - is definitely working somewhere with the NYPD.

Cops seem to have set the bar so low that getting aquitted of a rape charge is seen as a success.

Good job, assholes.

Say It Ain't So!

In typical Knicks fashion, the Donnie Walsh era has come to an unceremonious close and he didn't even get that lousy t-shirt up there. The company line is that both sides agreed to amicably split, but the writing was on the wall at the Garden for a while. He was pretty much forced out by James Dolan's stubborn, pig-headed ways much like Jeff Van Gundy before him.

Donnie (being the patient, wise person he is) didn't want to sign off on the Carmelo trade as it eventually went down, trading half of the team for Melo and a couple other parts. But, Dolan stepped in at the last minute and made sure it happened. I have to admit, I was all for the trade at the time, and those impatient feelings were shared by a lot of Knicks fans. Who cares if we have to give up our mothers, get Melo in New York! Of course, that is why you don't have fans running the team, and you leave it up to a professional to make sound decisions regarding the franchise's future. Dolan is about as short sighted as you can get though, and only saw and heard what most fans were clamoring for; whether it cost him an entire roster that was already a playoff team or not. This power move (essentially minimizing Walsh's power as an executive) is what led to the split. So, ironically, the move that was only made possible because of the shrewd decisions of Donnie Walsh is what eventually did him in. It's kind of like if you somehow got your family out of debt after years of foolish spending and living beyond your means, only to have your brother swoop in and buy a Porsche at the last minute. I'm not saying the deal is a disaster (we still have a chance to scoop up a top notch point guard thanks to Walsh) but the sticking point of keeping one of the Knicks' perimeter players sure made sense in hindsight. He would have come in handy against the Celtics in the Playoffs.

Let's remember Donnie for the job that he did: achieving the impossible miracle of getting the Knicks under the salary cap, landing two superstar players and somehow resurrecting a dead franchise and making them relevant again. Now, if Isiah Thomas returns to run all the good that Walsh has done into the ground, I may just wait for the Brooklyn Nets to come to town to root for an NBA team.

Bottom 5: Worst PTU Posts Ever

It's been a wild 4 months all right. Before PTU existed, Bin Laden was still alive to terrorize the Western world, the Lakers were champions of basketball and Charlie Sheen was a relatively normal sitcom actor. Is it mere coincidence that things have changed so much since we came along? Of course, but that's just the type of hilarious content that has kept thousands of disappointed readers coming back for more day after day to not comment. As you can tell by our most popular posts, we here at PTU (that's a typical PTU contributor pictured above hard at work on another classic) stay on the cutting edge of sports, movies and lists about sports and movies. The only thing missing is a self-referential list about ourselves. There might even be a list about a list. It hasn't all been Pulitzer worthy material though. What were the very worst posts that we couldn't wait to spread all over the Internet?


5)Perpmelo Finally Does Something by Bottle

What's not to hate about his truly awful post? The oddly sized picture that has nothing to do with the content (Pauly D is the epitome of perp?) and looks like it was photoshopped by a Special Ed 8 year old? How about the use of NOT! which went out of style with Wayne's World? It all adds up to a very unpleasant post that even the Situation would find tasteless.

4) With First Pick the Carolina Panthers select by M@d $cientist

Why don't we let draft expert Jay Bilas analyze this post: "I tell you, Stu, I haven't seen a post this weak since Eric Montross. Let's start with the missing "the" in the title. That's not pro level talent right there, guys. That game changer and castle thing really went over my head. Uh, back to you, Stu".

3) A-Rod: The Yankee I Dislike The Most by Blacky

The War and Peace of awful PTU posts. If you can get past the first 3 or 4 paragraphs detailing the merits of everyone who has ever played for or against the Yankees, then you finally get to the titular "Yankee who we dislike the most". The payoff for suffering through all that rambling? Insightful commentary on why the author is like the millions of other people who don't like number 13 for the Bombers? An in-depth breakdown of one of the most famous athletes in the world's faults? Nah, he just chews gum weird and we don't really like him. Not sure why. Thanks a lot.

2)PTU End of The World Bucket List by Johnny Bagels

We at PTU are nothing if not topical, and what's bigger news than the end of the world? A bucket list seems like a great idea right? A WALK IN THE PARK AND A MUSEUM? Even Harold Camping thought Bagels was full of shit after this bucket of crap list. Unfortunately, this post is neither funny nor informative. It's just lame. Either a misguided attempt at humor or Bagels is really that much of a boring dick. You decide. Ugh.

1)Dog Eats Diabetic Man's Toes by Snoot

This was relatively early in our run and we were still trying to work the kinks out. At this point, I think we were still attempting to be a leading news source and what better way to keep the masses informed than with a story about a dog biting a man's foot. The best thing you can say about this pathetic post is it's short. Whew.

Honorable mentions:
Going Gaga by Motown Marxist: If a Lady Gaga post isn't gay enough, then the pleas for the gay community, questionable photo of a shirtless Milli Vanilli, and Rupaul references put it over the top.
Beef Songs by Johnny Bagels: Despite the popularity of the 50 and Game picture, no one likes these. Rappers have agreed to settle their differences quietly if Bagels quits writing these pointless posts.
The Singing Cowboy is an Asshole by Mr. D: what an edgy, original target, what's next? No one can understand the subway announcements?
Citizen Kane Review by Hater J: What more intelligent analysis can be said about Orson Welles masterpiece? Apparently none.

Keep coming back for more disappointment, folks! We're not done yet setting the blog world back 20 years, one lame post at a time. This post is sure to make the bottom 5 next time.

Dr. Death dies on National Donut Day. Reaction: "How sad!"

 

Jack Kevorkian, dubbed “Dr. Death” by The Media, has died at the age of 83 after a blood clot from his leg broke free and got lodged in his heart (possibly from eating donuts). Dr. Kevorkian suffered from Hepatitis C and Diabetes (prossibly from eating donuts as well), and is known for his work with assisting the terminally ill commit suicide.

Jack Kevorkian, as some of you may know, is a Detroit native, where even the doctors think you’re better off dead. I say that with slight jest, I actually supported ole’ Kevorkian’s working philosophy (and even some of his Art). His Eastern European roots no doubt influenced his sardonic character and wit as it has many-a-Detroiter.

Without going too much into it, I believe he was wrongfully imprisoned in to 90s for his work in assisting The Terminally Ill take their lives. Government says that a man/woman has complete providence over their life except when they want to end it. To that I say,  "Nay!" If I have the right to live life to the fullest, I should also have a right to end it when I deem appropriate in the way I would like (as long as no physical harm comes to others as a result). I should have a right to all aspects of my life.
Note: I would like to die eating a donut while skydiving.

Considering that Dr. Jack passed on National Donut Day, the crowd here in Detroit is especially sad.


Reactions, on this, a sad day:
"They should bury him with the key to the city. He is an appropriate mascot for a dying city..." ~Blog Contributer

"I shall celebrate by eating a Donut." ~Anonymous

The bus driver that shuttles me through the ghetto every week said, "Child, you crazy!" As she bit into the free donut I gave her.

"I eat a Donut every morning before going to work. Now this?" exclaimed one Detroiter that amazingly still has a job.

"Donuts are the bomb." ~Coworker

"Dr. Kevorkian used to walk around Royal Oak (the Detroit equivalent of NYC's Williamsburg) Was he a hipster or just creepy? ~Royal Oak Party Girl

Consider this a Memorial to you, Dr. Jack.

Are the Yankees Over rated or Just Hated?

Here at PTU, we know a thing or two about hating. The most common word in the titles of our posts is "hate" second only to "best" or "worst" and "LeBron" (who we always hate on). Hater J is a PTU founder and "things J hates" in the banner is about as broad a term as you can find. Suffice to say, we're no stranger to hatred. To call someone a hater, though, usually implies that they do so indiscriminately and often times out of jealousy (Hater J excluded, he usually has reason for his hatred outside of jealousy). And that's the definition that's usually applied to critics of the Yankees, most recently regarding another one of those anonymous Sports Illustrated Player polls.

The SI player poll is probably my favorite part of the magazine, since it's basically an open forum for the usually boring, don't offend anyone, players to shit on their colleagues (to an even greater degree is ESPN's Player X articles, where some nameless active player hates the hell out of his fellow players). Last week's issue posed the question "Who is the Most Over rated player in baseball?" and to no one's surprise almost everyone mentioned was in pinstripes (the only non Yank in the top 5 played for the Red Sox, naturally). Yankee hating is America's real national pastime (after Nascar) but there is also, of course, the frontrunner who's die-hard Yankee thru and thru despite never stepping foot in New York. And it must be particularly tough on other MLB teams to deal with the attention that even mediocre Yankee players receive from the entire country. Say you're a solid outfielder for the Pirates or some other team nobody cares about. Sweating your way through another long, awful summer catching fly balls in front of half empty stadiums and considering perking up your soul deadening boring existence by cheating on your wife if only any groupies recognized you. Meanwhile, Nick Swisher guest stars on How I Met your Mother and marries a chick from Gossip Girl while getting a hit every 4 days. Ouch. Are these guys really over rated or is this just jealousy from the huddled masses of Yankee haters on the other teams?

I'd say it's everyone's favorite cop-out answer (but true this time): a little bit of both. A Rod was already seen as one of the greatest players before coming here (and one of the most hated due to his douchiness) but what about the rest of the over-rated list? Jeter is a terrific player, a winner for his whole career, and a guy who always plays his hardest and has a reputation for being clutch. But,he is also without a doubt over-rated because he plays for the Yankees and they win all the time. If he played for the Florida Marlins, Minka Kelly would be dating Colin Farrell or someone. That doesn't take away from Jeter, just that he's benefited from being on the big stage, and part of that is a tendency to over rate him. Same goes for Joba and Swisher to an even greater extent. Two marginally talented players who've parlayed their status as Yankees into minor celebrities. And I'm sure nothing irks these other players who were polled more. This doesn't mean that the rest of baseball isn't hating on the Yankees, just that they may be justified in doing so.