What Makes Someone a "True" Laker or Yankee?

Kobe Bryant achieved another milestone in his long, illustrious career last night, entering the 30,000 club, an exclusive group of one name guys like Michael, Wilt, Kareem and, uh, Karl (Mailman sounds better). Besides proving that guys whose names start with K are really good at scoring (watch out for Kris Humphries), the other bond that most of this group shares is Lakers purple and gold. 4 out of the top 5 scorers in NBA history at some point wore purple and gold (Malone had his one forgettable year chasing a ring but it still counts). This fact inevitably brings up the top 5 all time Laker discussions. Trying to pick a top 5 for a franchise that has arguably had more talent in their uniforms than Hooters is tough goings though. And since we love to argue almost as much as we love top 5 lists here at PTU, this is a prime opportunity for an argument about top 5 lists. Both franchises are literally embarrassments of riches. Both have dominated their respective leagues for decades, and both attract both front running fans and ardent haters in equal amounts.  But what exactly makes a player a "great Yankee" or a "great Laker"? Can we call someone a "great blank" if they only played a few years for that team, or if they arrived as a player for hire out to get a ring? I say "yes" to both of those questions.

First off, let's get to the top 5s. For the Lakers, my top 5 in no particular order is Kobe, Magic, Kareem, Shaq and Jerry West.  Getting narrowly edged out is Wilt, Elgin Baylor and George Mikan (sorry, guys). My Yankee top 5 would be Mantle, Gehrig, Ruth, Dimaggio and Jeter. My apologies to Whitey Ford, Yogi, Scooter, Mariano, and Reggie Jackson. I didn't include Mr. October but our own Hater J left him off his list due to the fact that he doesn't consider him a "true Yankee". But what makes one player a "true Yankee" or Laker and one not? The way I see it, if a player had his best years wearing your jersey, he can be classified as a great for your organization regardless if he forced a trade to somewhere else or arrived via free agency. Most Los Angelinos won't remember Shaq rapping about how his ass tastes (thankfully), or an aging Shaq struggling to dunk in Boston or Cleveland. They'll remember him catching the lob from Kobe in game 7 against Portland, or scoring 60 on his birthday against the Clippers, or absolutely dominating three straight Finals from 00-02. You can't leave Shaq off the list of top Lakers just because it's impossible to name 5 guys who had as dominant a 5 year span in purple and gold as he did. Unlike say Kevin Garnett, who came to the Celtics after his prime, or A-Rod who has won MVP's in pinstripes but has mostly been hated by Yankee fans, Shaq played his prime years for the Lakers and won three titles (winning MVP each year). He is as much a true Laker as there ever will be.

This Day in PTU History: Jim Abbott's No-hitter

If you're under the age of 18, it might be hard to believe that there was ever a time that no-hitters were a really big deal. Now a days they happen about as often as Joe Biden saying something dumb, (shit, even the Mets got one recently) but back in the day it was a truly huge accomplishment. And in the 90s it was especially difficult seeing as how everyone was on steroids and all. However, all those juiced up batters didn't prevent the Yankees from having 4 no-hitters during that decade. None was more impressive than Jim Abbot's, 19 years ago today. There might have been more dominating performances, and no-hitters in bigger circumstances (the Yankees didn't even make the playoffs this year), but consider this: HE HAD ONE FUCKING HAND. That's right, Jim Abbott not only pitched in the major leagues for years. He did it all with one less hand than I am currently using to type this meaningless blog post. And he threw a no hitter!!! It's a big enough deal that he even made his high school team in his predicament, but a no hitter for the Yankees? If Mitch Albom wrote that in a novel, we'd all laugh at how full of shit and Mitch Albomish that idea was. It's the type of stuff Christian movie directors put in their movies that we all think is so hokey, or Disney movies starring washed up sitcom actors and Eugene Levy portray. "Couldn't you end the movie with him just making the majors and maybe throwing a strikeout or two? Nobody over the age of 6 will buy this clown tossing a no-no". But he did.

How lazy does that make all of us feel? With our perfectly good two hands we can't even throw a no hitter on Playstation yet Abbott did it in Yankee Stadium. The Mets couldn't do it for 50 years. And even though Cleveland finished 10 games under .500 that season, it wasn't like Abbott was going up against the 2012 Astros or some other rinky dink lineup. This was an Indians team that included Kenny Lofton (when he was still really good) Carlos Baerga, Albert Belle and Manny Ramirez, and Jim Thome. You would think one of those guys would've got a hit by accident. But aside from 5 measly walks, Abbott got every one of those guys out. Imagine if Twitter or Facebook or even blogs like this existed while this was happening. Jim and the coverage his one hand would have gotten would have made Linsanity look like a one paragraph article in the Bay Ridge Home Reporter. Today, Abbott is mostly forgotten along with most of the early 90s Yankees not currently managing the Dodgers. You rarely see him at Yankee old timer events or throwing out the first pitch, and there's a generation of baseball fans who probably have no idea who he is. But he should be acknowledged for one of the all time "holy shit" moments in sports, the most unbelievable no-hitter in history.

PTU salutes you, Jim Abbott.

Who's Your Daddy? Best New York Sports Chants of All Time

Last Friday night, the Knicks blew out another miserable team at home, absolutely dominating a truly awful Wizards team. There was some controversy over whether or not the Wiz could beat Kentucky a couple weeks ago. After witnessing this game, I'm not sure they could beat Brooklyn College. Their girl's basketball team. One positive that came out of the extensive garbage time, however, was a new chant from the Garden crowd. This time it was "FORTY-SEVEN!" coming down from the cheap seats, a reference that at first escaped me (and apparently Steve Novak) to the score the Wiz were stuck on for close to an entire quarter of basketball. New york crowds often receive praise for being the most intelligent fans in sports (as well as some of the loudest) but we sometimes forget their mastery of the art of the group chant. We all know the basic chants: De-fense, charge, aaaashole. Those are all classics in their own right but from time to time we hear some truly inspired chants. It's easy to mess them up like that character on Conan O' Brien's show used to, but here are a few of my favorites.

"YOU"RE NOT JE-SUS"



That "LET"S GO YAN-KEES" rythym is so versatile any four syllables can be inserted in it's place and it sounds pretty good (besides We Want Tacos which is just bush league). Before Johnny Damon was a Yankees World Series hero, he was just another idiot on the eventual champion Red Sox with some decidedly un-Yankee like hair. Besides the great line "Looks like Jesus, throws like Mary" the Yankee Stadium bleachers also came up with "you're not Jesus" to try to get in his head. It mostly didn't work but was a great chant.

"UG-LY SIS-TER"


New York has known it's fair share of sports villains throughout the years but perhaps no one this side of John Rocker has inspired as much hatred amongst tri- state area fans of Reggie Miller. Just the sight of that monkey face on TNT still makes my blood boil. One silver lining to seeing Cheryl's more feminine brother every spring was a couple great chants. Of course there was "REGGIE SUCKS", "CHEEEERRRYYYYYLLLL" and the best of all "UGLY SISTER". Because nothing hurts a man worse than hearing 20,000 people simultaneously insulting your sister. And as you can tell by that horrifying photo, they weren't lying. This same chant was later used by Mavericks fans (amongst other Laker haters) when Khloe Kardashian's husband Lamar Odom was still an actual basketball player.

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"



Pedro Martinez was yet another Red Sox thorn in the Yankees' side for years. From the Don Zimmer fight to his many dominating performances against them to Grady Little fatefully leaving him on the mound an inning too long, Pedro and his Jeri Curl were smack in the middle of so much Yankee history. After a regular season loss to the Bombers, however, Pedro made the mistake of calling the Yankees his "daddy" and the rest was chant history that would last all the way until his reincarnation as a washed up pitcher with the Phillies in the 09 Series.

"POTVIN SUCKS"



We don't get into much hockey talk at PTU (and when I do I just make stuff up) but it's undeniable that hockey crowds know a good chant. One that's spanned decades is the ever present "Potvin Sucks" that is sometimes used to replace "Let's go Rangers" that refers to a guy who played for the Islanders 30 years ago. Like a good crosstown rivalry, a good chant never dies.

"WIIIIFE BEEEEATER"



Jason Kidd is one of the more respected veteran players now in the NBA but there was a time that he had some dirt on him. While his image is now pretty squeaky clean this wasn't always the case. During the early 2000s things were much different. The Nets were actually an exciting, fun team to watch that did nothing but win after replacing Stephon Marbury with Kidd at the point, and for a few years there dominated the Knicks (on the court if not in the papers). Present for most of the fun was Kidd's hot wife and weird looking child, sitting courtside until revelations about their domestic abuse were revealed, including Joumana throwing a cookie at Jason and Jason hitting her with a purse (or the other way around). Either way, they broke up and the Garden crowd was provided with a chant that was questionable in taste but truly insulting to Kidd. The way all great chants should be.

"FIRE ISIAH"



Simple yet gets the point across.

There's No Allergies In Baseball; Leave our Peanuts Alone

Opening day is now finally officially here (we won't count last week's games in Japan or last night's game in Rainbow City). Cue up the organ, pour a frosty 11 dollar brew and grab a bag of peanuts and a hot dog and let's play ball! Wait, we can't have peanuts anymore at a baseball game? Thankfully, it hasn't gotten to that point yet but this season the Mets and Yankees will have peanut free sections to protect those poor babies who suffer from allergies to that silent shelled killer. You may have heard about the hundred or so people who have died from peanuts over the years so the NY teams are joining many other sissy major league teams in providing these safe havens. Well, all I can say to that is GROW UP YOU PUSSIES. The song says "buy me some PEANUTS and cracker jacks". It's an accepted part of the tradition of baseball. If you risk a painful death by sitting around someone eating a peanut, first of all, your life really sucks and secondly, stay the hell home and watch the game on YES in your nut free home. Listen to The Civil Wars and drink coconut milk while root root rooting for the home team, you fussy little troll. We're trying to get our peanut on here. Charles Darwin no doubt had the peanut allergy sufferers in mind when he fleshed out his natural selection theory. The fittest will be enjoying a bag of Planters and a Heineken while the allergic waste away in their segregated, pretentious peanut free zone. I hope they die and go to peanut hell, where Mr Peanut pokes you with his cane and forces nutter butters down your throat for eternity. It starts with one roped off section, next the entire stadium will be peanutless, and then where does it all end? No hot dogs for the pork averse? Only soy ice cream served in little helmets? That peanuts guy who works in the bleachers that looks like Pedro Martinez and throws behind the back passes to customers will be out of work. Where does it stop?? Even if you can't eat nuts, grow some and quit complaining.

Anyway, play ball and let's go Yankees! See you at the ballpark.

Bobby V: Still A Clown

The first spring training game hasn't even been played yet but the Yankees Red Sox shit talking is in full swing. This is thanks to a new face who has been introduced to the age old rivalry, none other than former Mets and Japanese league manager Bobby Valentine, who seems poised to become the next Rex Ryan. A buffoonish loudmouth who says clownish things to draw attention to his team. It's all great when you're winning (sexy Rexy is a refreshing honest sports figure!) but when the losses come, it's ugly. Same will go for Bobby V. He's replacing a fairly boring guy in Terry Francona who tended to shy away from the rivalry talk even though that's all the media and fans want to hear for the most part. But with the comments from Russell Martin last season and now Bobby V's dumb comments about Jeter being lucky to make his most famous play, things are heating up a little. Valentine's always been a guy who likes to provoke even going back to his playing days, and this is obviously a ploy to win over Red Sox Nation. Except to just say dumb things about Derek Jeter might endear Bobby to the hardcore Sawx fans in Quincy and South Bahston, but to everyone else it just looks like an annoying cry for attention (particularly us over here in New York). So if that's what he was trying to accomplish, then congratulations, Bobby V. You sound just as dumb as the dumbest of Red Sox fans and you have successfully annoyed New York city. Jeter had to explain that the Yankees actually practice that play, and he wasn't really out of position, and then Valentine came out and said the old "utmost respect" thing for DJ, but there's no point in arguing in Jeter's favor. The best thing to do with people like Valentine or Rex Ryan is ignore them or accept their dumb comments as theatre like professional wrestlers yelling at the camera. At least for now we're all paying attention.

The Greatest Yankee Loss Ever

I've never been so happy to see the Yankees lose. The late season schedule resulted in the strange situation of Boston fans rooting for the Yankees and some Yankee fans (myself included of course) rooting against our own team. The result was a wacky, mixed up evening of misplaced loyalties and historic choking. I half expected to see AJ Burnett come out of the visiting bullpen and hit Evan Longoria in the face with a pie.

For a while there it seemed like we were headed for a one game play-in in Tampa tomorrow at best, and at worst the Red Sox clinching in Baltimore last night. The Yankees were playing like the Yankees, hitting grand slams and whatnot, and the Red Sox were clinging to a one run lead over an Orioles team who looked ready to start their vacations. But then in an occurrence that only a hackneyed sports writer could come up with, the rains came pouring down in Baltimore (get it? it's like symbolic). And while the Boston players sat anxiously in the clubhouse, they got to see the horrifying sight of the Rays rallying from a 7 run deficit to tie the game in the 8th inning. I can only imagine the looks on their faces being something similar to people watching the premiere of that new Kevin Dillon sitcom. Meanwhile, my face looked a little more like this from my couch.

So finally, game play resumed at Camden and Boston attempted to shake off what they'd just witnessed and do their part to keep their season alive. It looked like it might happen too. But then, something glorious happened. Papelbon's fish face firmly in place, the now 90% Red Sox Nation crowd ready to explode (this really isn't too much different from any Red Sox game at Baltimore these days), the Yanks and Rays now tied in extra innings creating hope that maybe the Sox could still pop some champagne before the night was over...and then Papelbon gave up two straight doubles. And Carl Crawford misplayed a line drive resulting in the winning run. Just 3 MINUTES LATER, Evan Longoria hit his 2nd home run in 3 innings to send the slightly more than half filled Tropicana field into hysterics and Boston fans to another long winter of discontent. Now, things can get back to normal. I can root for the Yankees as usual without any of that pesky hate that forces me out of my normal sports rooting routines. See ya next year, Boston.

Haters Unite! The Joys of Rooting against Boston

PTU's hatred of Boston is well documented. Hater J leads the pack with the most unbridled feelings of hate for Bahston with Mr. D not far behind. Lately, I've come to the realization that I too hate Boston more than previously thought possible. Boston hate is kind of in vogue these days, but we here at PTU don't hate because it's trendy. No sir, we've hated New England since Brady was a back up in Michigan and Kevin Garnett was still respected. I won't even eat Boston cream donuts or watch reruns of Cheers (but I do eat New England clam chowder, I'm not an animal). Ask Hater J his opinion of Good Will Hunting and he'll spit in your face. Yeah, we don't like Boston.

So it brings us great pleasure to witness the recent Red Sox slide. While I might have picked Adrian Gonzalez as my MVP and predicted the Sox would easily run away with the division not long ago, this is one time that I am glad to be proved wrong. The Red Sox are on the verge of a historic collapse and being the true haters that we are, it brings us almost as much joy to see the entire city of Boston considering a mass suicide in the Charles River as it does seeing the Yankees cruising to a division title. After tonight's gutsy play by my Tampa Bay Rays (including a triple play) to top the Yanks and a closer than it should have been game in Camden yards, the Sox and Rays are all tied up heading into game 162. The sign of a true hater is the fact that the misfortune of your rival gives you more pleasure than the success of the team you root for and that is most definitely the case here. I've never rooted this hard against the Yankees (it feels a little wrong but whatever). I have a feeling that the Sox will somehow pull this out but all of us at PTU will have our fingers crossed that they don't. In the meantime, I hope Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg, fucking Jim from the Office and whoever else is shitting their shorts over the prospect of their season ending in Baltimore on a Nick Markakis' base hit.

Let's go O's!

Who Will Win the 2011 American League MVP?

The baseball season is fast coming to a close and at this point there is still no clear cut MVP. Unlike previous seasons, no one is far and ahead above other players and there is no powerhouse team that is dominating the competition. The Red Sox and Yankees are battling for first place, as usual, with each team boasting at least one worthy MVP candidate. There are also a couple other nominees for the award this year scattered among those other teams in the league. As always, the winner will have to meet the standard criteria of dominance in at least (and preferably more) statistical category and should be a member of a winning team (this has not always been the case through out history, but barring a truly ridiculous season like the Texas A-Rod had in his MVP year, the MVP should be on a winning team). Who's on the short list this season?

• Curtis Granderson- The Yankee Centerfielder is making up for his disappointing first season in pinstripes with a ridiculous offensive year, on pace to possibly be the first player in forever to have 100 RBI, 40 Home Runs, 30 Stolen Bases and 10 triples. He's an absolute monster offensively and seems like a really nice guy (not that it matters).
• Adrian Gonzalez- Another recent addition to the Yankee-Sox rivalry, Gonzo has been hitting lights out this season. A shoe-in for the AL batting title (hitting a healthy .342), as well as the most consistent player on the Boston juggernaut who has barely lost this season aside from their early struggles and a couple hiccups here and there.
• Justin Verlander- I hesitate to award pitchers the MVP since they already have their own award, but Verlander's been so dominant that I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he took home the hardware this season. Virtually keeping the Tigers in the playoff hunt by himself (with some help from PTU hero Miguel Cabrera), Verlander is a no-hit threat almost every start, and he throws complete games like he's Doc Gooden in '86.
• Jose Bautista- This guy has really no chance of winning the MVP due to the fact that the Blue Jays kinda suck, and he cheats one of two ways (or both), but he's neck and neck with Granderson for the HR crown so you have to at least mention him. He burst onto the scene seemingly out of nowhere last season, crushing every pitch that came his way. The immediate thought (as always is these days) was that he was a juicer, but Toronto has also been known to cheat in subtler ways. The fact that his home to road homer ratio is so disparate only adds to the suspicion.
• Jacoby Ellsbury- No thanks.
• Dustin Pedroia- The scrappy little guy won it in 08, and he's putting up comparable numbers this season. While none of his numbers are very flashy, he's one of the leaders of the aforementioned never lose Sox so expect a lot of votes based on his "character" and such nonsense. That dominant photo above does make me like him a little bit more, but not much.

So, that's the list of nominees. Who's going to bring it home? I'm, of course, biased towards any Yankee so I'll say Granderson's historical season coupled with the fact that he's the most consistent player on a team battling for first place makes Curtis the feel-good MVP. Unfortunately, PTU doesn't qualify as a press credential so none of us have a vote (sorry M@D , you can't vote for Dante Bichette or Eddie Murray either) and I think the deck stacked with Red Sox players will result in the slow footed first baseman from Beantown being your 2011 American League MVP. The superior batting average and the likely first place finish for Boston is just too much to overcome. I'll settle for a World Series ring on Granderson's finger.

Congratulations, Jeter

Congratulations to the captain on joining the 3,000 club, and in as dramatic fashion as any sappy Hollywood screenwriter or Mike Lupica could imagine. The only thing that could have been more Hollywood like would be if it were a game winning home run and he winked at Babe Ruth as he rounded third base (I know that's impossible but Jeter hitting a home run is almost that crazy these days). Jeter becomes only the second player in Major League Baseball history to reach 3k on a home run, the other being former Yankee and chicken enthusiast Wade Boggs, who did so with Tampa. The fact that it was a home run also means that there is one lucky fat guy out in left field who caught the ball and will I'm sure be receiving a king's ransom in memorabilia or cash from the Yankees in exchange for the magic ball. Now that this plateau (or stateau as some bloggers have dubbed these type of records) has been reached, the Yankees can get back to focusing on winning games and staying ahead of the Red Sox and these Rays in the standings. For now, though, let's take a second to enjoy the moment and show some appreciation for one of the greatest Yankees to ever suit up in pinstripes, and the man who stands alone as the only Yankee to have 3,000 base hits. Then we can all get back to hating or defending him.

Congrats, number 2.

What's The Definition of Crazy?

You may remember this joker from last October. Grim LeRogue, the fanatical Cameron Diaz stalker who supposedly had a deathwish for A-Rod and ran on the field during game 3 of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium. At the time, it was a slight distraction from the Yankees unravelling playoff hopes, but when you really think about it, this was an awesome story. Not only did this guy legally change his name from (yawn) John Rogan, (who sounds like a 1960s soap opera actor) to Grim LeRogue, (who sounds like an idiot), but he apparently had pics of A-Rod with his face crossed out and other wacky things that would make you think that this guy was your textbook nutjob. Except a Bronx Supreme court found him to be as normal as you or I last week. Just an unorthodox self promoter. How come you squares at Madison Avenue don't have the balls to do what he did?

I guess this begs the question what exactly is crazy then if LeRogue up there isn't? Even if he claims he had no intentions of actually hurting A-Rod or Cameron, isn't it crazy enough just to pretend like you might? Supposedly, he's a big Yankee and A-Rod fan, and the John Hinckley routine was just a scheme he cooked up to drum up hype for his book entitled (and I'm not making this up) "Children's Edition: The Illuminati Code Cracked". Oh, well in that case, he's the picture of mental stability. I'd say the fact that he jumped onto the Yankee Stadium field during a nationally televised baseball playoff game with heavy police presence, changed his name to a bad comic book character, and wrote a book about the Illuminati is enough evidence that he is bat-shit, balls to the wall, nuts. Just the fact that he believes in the Illuminati is enough reason for me to believe he's not only bonkers, but a dick. He might fancy himself some type of free thinking, marketing genius, but if I were to change my name to Creepy McSpooky, and ran up to the White House lawn with a diary strapped to my ass professing my love for Michelle Obama, I would expect to be promptly locked up under the jail for the rest of my days. This isn't to say that A-Rod is on the same level as the President, but if you're crazy enough to do that for attention, who's to say you're not crazy enough to follow through with your "pretend" threats? After all, there's no greater promotion than actually murdering someone.

Are the Yankees Over rated or Just Hated?

Here at PTU, we know a thing or two about hating. The most common word in the titles of our posts is "hate" second only to "best" or "worst" and "LeBron" (who we always hate on). Hater J is a PTU founder and "things J hates" in the banner is about as broad a term as you can find. Suffice to say, we're no stranger to hatred. To call someone a hater, though, usually implies that they do so indiscriminately and often times out of jealousy (Hater J excluded, he usually has reason for his hatred outside of jealousy). And that's the definition that's usually applied to critics of the Yankees, most recently regarding another one of those anonymous Sports Illustrated Player polls.

The SI player poll is probably my favorite part of the magazine, since it's basically an open forum for the usually boring, don't offend anyone, players to shit on their colleagues (to an even greater degree is ESPN's Player X articles, where some nameless active player hates the hell out of his fellow players). Last week's issue posed the question "Who is the Most Over rated player in baseball?" and to no one's surprise almost everyone mentioned was in pinstripes (the only non Yank in the top 5 played for the Red Sox, naturally). Yankee hating is America's real national pastime (after Nascar) but there is also, of course, the frontrunner who's die-hard Yankee thru and thru despite never stepping foot in New York. And it must be particularly tough on other MLB teams to deal with the attention that even mediocre Yankee players receive from the entire country. Say you're a solid outfielder for the Pirates or some other team nobody cares about. Sweating your way through another long, awful summer catching fly balls in front of half empty stadiums and considering perking up your soul deadening boring existence by cheating on your wife if only any groupies recognized you. Meanwhile, Nick Swisher guest stars on How I Met your Mother and marries a chick from Gossip Girl while getting a hit every 4 days. Ouch. Are these guys really over rated or is this just jealousy from the huddled masses of Yankee haters on the other teams?

I'd say it's everyone's favorite cop-out answer (but true this time): a little bit of both. A Rod was already seen as one of the greatest players before coming here (and one of the most hated due to his douchiness) but what about the rest of the over-rated list? Jeter is a terrific player, a winner for his whole career, and a guy who always plays his hardest and has a reputation for being clutch. But,he is also without a doubt over-rated because he plays for the Yankees and they win all the time. If he played for the Florida Marlins, Minka Kelly would be dating Colin Farrell or someone. That doesn't take away from Jeter, just that he's benefited from being on the big stage, and part of that is a tendency to over rate him. Same goes for Joba and Swisher to an even greater extent. Two marginally talented players who've parlayed their status as Yankees into minor celebrities. And I'm sure nothing irks these other players who were polled more. This doesn't mean that the rest of baseball isn't hating on the Yankees, just that they may be justified in doing so.

A-Rod: The Yankee I Dislike the Most

I really don't like A-Rod, which is funny, since I actually like many players on the team currently. I have a lot of respect the core three of Jeter, Posada, and Rivera, now in the twilight of their careers, despite recent events. Rivera is the best closer ever. It's too bad he's blown three blown saves against the Orioles. Despite that stat, his performance is on pace to roughly equal the quality of his performance last year.

I think Mark Teixiera is goofy looking motherf'er (I feel like him and John Lackey have to share the same horrible overbite genes), but he's a solid first baseman. He does insist on making nearly every play to 1B for an out more dramatic by scooping up the ball into a quasi-fist pump, holding up the glove to the Ump as if to say, "You see, I got." I remember making fun of Cano several years back for having a lot of errors at second base. That doesn't seem to be a problem any more. He's one of the best hitters on the team now, a superior player than the guy on my fantasy team five years ago.

Brett Gardner might be the fastest guy in the league. Too bad he struggles to get on base. Nick Swisher is my personal favorite. He's goofy, but so damn likable. I really enjoyed the Swishawk. I actually wish he was playing a little bit better. He's a strange and entertaining man. Check out his twitter feed if you into that sort of thing. I even like Joba, who looked terrible last time I saw him. I swear he got fatter. And if you type "Joba Chamberlain" into Google, Joba Chamberlain gains weight, Joba Chamberlain fat, and Joba Chamberlain overweight are suggested as possible searches. Looks like he's been hitting the buffet line a little more often than the training room. He's got a really touching story with his dad and all, but hasn't lived up to expectations. I guess he's doing better in the last few games. His ERA dropped to like 3.8, which is respectable.

Anyway, this post isn't about those guys. It's about A-Rod and why I don't like him. Now, I don't think that he's not a great player. I don't think that he's not one of the best hitters ever. I just don't like him. And it's hard to explain why I don't like him. It's not that I don't like him because he's not clutch. It's not that I don't like him because he's a Yankee, although I think slapping Bronson Arroyo's hand in 2004 didn't help. It's not like I don't like him because his life is way better than mine in many respects. I don't dislike him because of his divorce, potential cheating, or any other nonsense in his personal life. It's not about his stats, his ability as a player, or the life he leads as a result.

I don't like A-Rod because he seems like a douche. He just comes across that way. Maybe it's the occasionally frosted hair, those purple lips, or those hamburger helper mitts he wears. Maybe I dislike him because he's hopeless in love with himself. Remember that picture above. Nope, it's not Tiger Woods. It's A-Rod. Yeah, I suppressed it from my memory too, because he literally looks like he's saying to himself, "I'd do me. I'd go gay for me." Maybe it's that attitude. I'm not sure, but he just seems like a colossal douche. The guy's nickname can be literally translated to "a dick." That probably doesn't help. Maybe I just hate his face. I got into an argument with some girl who thought he was the hottest Yankee (No Homo. Note, a guy can say or do anything, as long as he says "No Homo" afterward or doesn't make eye contact.). I got it when chicks thought Jeter was hot. It made sense, but A-Rod just looks weird.

Jeter and Cano seem like alright guys. Maybe it's because they smile all the time. They project a quiet confidence that doesn't seem arrogant or indicative of insecurity. A-Rod, however, projects douche-ness constantly. Whether at bat, on the field, post-game, or in a commercial, A-Rod just oozes douche. Remember that Nike commercial with A-Rod training with a medicine ball? Yeah, I haven't bought a Nike product since seeing it. Nike sales probably slumped after it aired. Come to think of it I don't remember him being in any ads lately. It might be that he hasn't been in that many or it might be that he has so little charisma that I don't remember them.

Another reason I don't like A-Rod is that he does not seem that tough mentally. He's an extraordinarily talented athlete, but he comes across as very weak mentally. I feel like if he got cancer, he'd never play again. He doesn't seem like he would come back harder and stronger like Lance Armstrong (who may be a cheater) or Jon Lester. I just don't see it. He just seems like a whiny bitch. His career would be over. Yes, I realize that at his age, this comparison might not be fair, but I would feel the same way if he was ten years younger. And I don't think coming back from what I understand to be a relatively minor hip surgery proves otherwise.

I was reminded that I don't like A-Rod over the weekend when I saw him at bat with a big wad of sunflower seeds and what appeared to be like five pieces of gum. He looked like he had a dick in his mouth. I was somewhat concerned he could choke, but then I thought, "What an asshole. This guy is supposed to be focused on this at bat and he's got his mouth so full of crap he has to spit out sunflower seeds in between each pitch. Maybe he'd be hitting better if he wasn't so focused on what's in his mouth and was paying more attention to the game." Don't get me wrong, I liked the result, but I couldn't help thinking that he was being a lousy teammate and player there. Maybe I haven't seen enough tape of A-Rod. Maybe he does better with a dick's worth of crap in his mouth. I don't know, but I know I don't like him.

Tip Included . . . Not

If you lucky enough to afford field level seating at Yankee Stadium, you don't have to fetch your food and drink, but instead can have it delivered directly to you. You'll pay an additional twenty percent service fee for the convenience and any "additional gratuity" you deem necessary. Funny thing about this involuntary service fee is that your server doesn't get the full twenty percent. Instead, servers receive about five percent of their gross sales, but would presumably receive the full amount of any additional gratuity. Servers, however, are not permitted to explain the fee to customers, so it's highly unlikely they receive any additional gratuity from people that think they just tipped twenty percent. This is what a new class action lawsuit against Legendary Hospitality alleges.

I understand that Legendary Hospitality (co-owned by New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys, and Goldman Sachs) is a business trying to maximize profits, but obviously they're taking advantage of their customers and their servers in this case. I am fine with them charging more for the convenience of getting your food delivered directly to you, i.e. having a different price list for the items. Instead of their being a different price list though, there is a disclaimer on the cup holders stating, "A 20% service charge will be added to all listed prices. Any additional gratuity is at your discretion." This suggests to the customer that the items are priced the same and that they're tipping their server when they pay the fee. In reality, the items are actually twenty percent more expensive and they're not tipping their server.

Here is my problem with this arrangement. If people knew they were paying twenty percent more and not tipping their server, they would realize they would have to pay a thirty percent premium on their order (assuming they tip at least ten percent) to tip decent. If I knew that, I would probably go get what I wanted myself rather than pay twenty percent more and not tip, or pay thirty percent more to tip decent. Not everybody would go this route, but I think it would be enough people to make the concessions significantly less profitable over the course of a season.

I believe that the people running the concessions at Legendary know this, so they reasoned that if they suggest that this mark up is actually a gratuity, people would be okay with paying the mark up. By not letting the customer know that this is not a gratuity, Legendary is taking advantage of people's good nature (wanting to tip the servers) and the servers by depriving them of money that customers intend to be their tip. I'm okay with charging more, but be honest about it. That way people can decide for themselves whether it's worth the cost.

Inside The Pinstripe Curtain: A Mets Fan Goes To The Yankees Legends Suite

As you may know from my previous posts about how I'm fed up with the Mets futility, for some unknown reason I'm life long Mets fan. To be honest, I have almost zero interest in the Mets 2011 season except for my hope that the ownership will change. When the opportunity came up to go to this weekends Yanks-Redsox game in seats 9 rows behind home plate, I couldn't pass it up despite my allegiance to that other NY team. I even decided I would do something I've never done before and root for the Yankees, since it seemed like a waste to sit in good seats and root for Boston. As it turns out, maybe a Mets fan rooting for the Yankees wasn't so good for them, since they played so poorly that I felt like I was at a Mets game (as of this writing, the Yanks are down by 2 runs and are a few outs away from a sweep).

In any case, I always wondered what the hell you get for paying $275 per seat face value for these types of tickets, especially since I usually buy 5 dollar tickets on Stub Hub for Mets games and stand up the whole time by Beer Island. I tried to get as many pictures as I could without looking like a poor homeless person that snuck into the rich people section, check them out after the jump. Pretty much everything in these seats is "free", except for your alcohol.

Is Jorge Wrong?

The latest storyline of the young, uneven Yankee season involves one of the last big 3 remaining from the dynasty years. Jorge Posada reportedly asked out of the lineup after being dropped to the bottom of the order (maybe deservedly so) for the big Saturday night game against the Red Sox. The silence of the other Yankee bats is forgotten as we all take turns wondering if Jorge is just being a spoiled baby stomping his feet at Joe Girardi's strict discipline, or is Girardi, as he does too often, engaging in some more Joe Torre like over reacting and over managing? The score of the game is less important here, it didn't make the Daily News' coverage until 6 pages in of Jorge talk. So is Georgie in the wrong here? I say yes he is, but his frustration is understandable, and may be a sign of bigger issues for the Yanks.

Posada is definitely wrong for asking out of the lineup if he is healthy enough to play, as all reports seem to indicate. Regardless if he's still a day to day player or DH, he's viewed as one of the veteran leaders of the team, and refusing to be lowered in the batting order sets a bad precedent, and can't be good for team morale. Posada has always been stubborn and head strong, as was evidenced by his lack of embracing the DH role. Russell Martin practically had to snatch the catcher's mask from Jorge as the season began. He's a millionaire who has been able to achieve things such as a disproportionately hot wife because of this attitude. But the fact that he is asking out is indicative of the possible lack of respect that Girardi commands from his players, a few of whom once played alongside him. It has to be tough to listen to your former teammate tell you you're just not good enough. Just imagine if one of your co-workers, who you came up in the ranks with, was promoted to your manager, and then decided to demote you. Regardless if your performance dictates this, it's still gotta sting. If Bottle became Editor in Chief of PTU and told me not to write something on here, I'd probably post angry things about him and his mother (don't think about it, Bottle). This has to be especially annoying to Posada, who came up under Girardi as a young catcher. It must be equally difficult to take orders from a 40 year old man with braces.

The Yankees over the past 3 seasons have seemed to win despite Girardi's meddling, rather than because of it. He has a nagging tendency to over manage (especially when it comes to pitching changes) and his critical choices have been second guessed around here for a reason. When the team is rolling, and winning championships, it's easy to ignore some of Joe's shortcomings, and the team was talented enough (and I believe still is) to still be a winning club. But when the bats stop working, and the pitching and defense is at times as sloppy as the drunk girls post-gameing at Billy's, it takes a real strong skipper with a hold of a locker room to get things back on track. You have to wonder if Posada is alone in shaking off Girardi's authority, or if this is just a symptom of a team wide distrust.

Derek Jeter - Stop the Hate

Derek Jeter has spent his entire career being hated on and almost always being held up to impossible standards. When entering his prime, people loved to remind him that he wasn't as good a hitter as A-Rod or Tejada. He's never been implicated with anything involving steroids...the guys he was being compared to have. He wasn't as good a fielder as Omar Visquel. Yeap, he wasn't as good, defensively, as the best defensive short stop of the 90's, and arguably one of the top 10 greatest defensive short stops to ever play the game.

Now, at age 37, Derek Jeter is contending with a new impossible standard. Derek Jeter 2011 is being compared to young Derek Jeter. The Derek Jeter who wasn't good enough then but still managed to amount Hall of Fame numbers, improve his defense, and win a ton of titles in the process. Aside from Barry Bonds, not many ball players put up numbers better than the numbers they put up in seasons played in their mid 20s. Its an unfair comparison, but the Yankees Captain is asked to do exactly that. Like other points in his career, he doesn't get mad about it. He doesn't cry about it in the press. He goes to work, and then he produces.

While Mr. D continues to send other writers at PTU slanderous emails about the production (or lack thereof) of Yankees captain Derek Jeter, the man put together an impressive game yesterday going 4-6 with 2 homers. He saw his batting average jump to a respectable .276 for a short stop and placing him 11th in short stop batting average. The Captain is also currently top 10 amongst all short stops in hits, runs and even home runs (although that isn’t saying much given that aside from guys like Tulowitski, Gonzalez, or Hanley Ramirez, there aren’t many power hitters at the position).

I will concede that yesterday’s game will probably be the best performance at the plate we see Jeter put up this year and not something that will be the norm. However, I think it’s fair to say he isn’t as bad as his first few weeks indicated either. You can expect his year to finish with about 175 hits, 65 RBI, over 100 runs scored, and somewhere around a 275 BA…all very respectable numbers for a shortstop at the top of your lineup. He'll probably be top 10 in all meaningful stats. The Yanks may contend for another title. Then when next year comes, he gets to try and prove his value again.

The Father, The Son, and the Holy Jeter

Happy Good Friday. Jesus, we're cool with you and I know this is your big weekend and all, but some other holy man is also being persecuted: my man Derek Jeter.

The Judas' out there are hating on my man Jete, saying he's too old, his days are numbered, that he should just retire and leave the Yankees alone. While he can no longer perform like he used to it, we should have respect for this man for what he has accomplished.

Besides all the professional accolades - the championship rings, the hits, the Gold Gloves - he has also made love to every woman I dream about in the midnight hour. And now, with Minka as his Mary Magdalene, there is nothing he can't accomplish.

Jesus and Jeter have many things in common, besides both being great at baseball. Like JC, Jeter will rise again on the third day. Come this weekend, Jesus will be resurrected. All the haters will shield their eyes from the glory that will be emanating from his holy bat.

Expect a .300+ average for the rest of the season. Jeter's back.

Yankees vs Red Sox 2011 Part 1

And so it begins again, another season battling it out for first in the AL East, except this year has started differently than most people expected. The Yankees have been pretty good, minus the 8th inning Tuesday and some missing MPH's off of Phil Hughes's fastball. The Red Sox, meanwhile, have gotten off to about as awful a start as you can imagine, losing games on base-running mistakes, not hitting, hitting but not pitching, forgetting basic rules like force-outs at home, and generally looking terrible. Red Sox Nation is crumbling, and anything less than a sweep of the Yankees this weekend will signal absolute disaster in Bean Town. "Don't even get me stahted about the Sahx".

Most of this panic is warranted (0 and 6 after the acquisitions they made is inexcusable) but let's put things in a little bit of perspective. The season is 162 games, that's 156 more games left. They've yet to play a home game and they started the season on the road against what seems to be an offensive juggernaut in last year's AL champ Rangers. PTU contributor Lupica already wrote his "worst team money can buy" column this morning (and only mentioned fathers and sons once I believe) and ESPN has begun their doomsday clock "computer simulated" championship odds crawl on the bottom of the screen (Johnny Five apparently thinks the Red Sox are 20% less likely to win the Series after this week). Don't get me wrong, I'm loving every minute of this; I wish they would lose every game the rest of the season, Carl Crawford would be run out of town crying, Dustin Pedroia's scrappy little ass would get lyme disease, and Ben Affleck would fall down the stairs. But it's a week into the season, and most likely the Sox will get it together enough to be right there, annoying as ever, breathing down the Yankees' necks for the last couple weeks of September. Let's get it started.

Kemba Keeps On Dancing

The Kemba parade continues! It was just announced that Kemba will be throwing out the first pitch at the Yankees vs. Orioles game on April 13th. Fresh off his amazing championship run and winning the Bob Cousy award as the best college PG, he keeps on dancing. Hater J, thanks to your negative comments earlier in the year Kemba has been inspired to reach new heights, culminating with throwing out the first pitch at your holy shrine of Yankee Stadium.

2011 Baseball Predictions

Yeah, big surprise. The team that spent a crapload of money to sign a bunch of all-star pitchers is going to beat the rest of the league. The other team that spent zillions of dollars, the Red Sox, will come in second. Eighty percent of the teams will have no shot at all, with their puny salaries which amount to roughly what the Yankees spend on cleaning supplies. Anyway, here's how the 2011 season will play out:

AL Playoff Teams:

Red Sox
Twins
Seattle
Yankees (Wild Card)

NL Playoff Teams:

Phillies
San Fran
Cubs
Cincinnati (Wild Card)

Red Sox over Seattle, Twins over Yankees
Red Sox over Twins

Philly over Cincy, Cubs over San Fran
Phillies over Cubs

Philly over Red Sox

MVPs:

Pujols
A-Rod

Cy Young:

Roy Halladay
Buchholz

You can count on it.