There's No Allergies In Baseball; Leave our Peanuts Alone

Opening day is now finally officially here (we won't count last week's games in Japan or last night's game in Rainbow City). Cue up the organ, pour a frosty 11 dollar brew and grab a bag of peanuts and a hot dog and let's play ball! Wait, we can't have peanuts anymore at a baseball game? Thankfully, it hasn't gotten to that point yet but this season the Mets and Yankees will have peanut free sections to protect those poor babies who suffer from allergies to that silent shelled killer. You may have heard about the hundred or so people who have died from peanuts over the years so the NY teams are joining many other sissy major league teams in providing these safe havens. Well, all I can say to that is GROW UP YOU PUSSIES. The song says "buy me some PEANUTS and cracker jacks". It's an accepted part of the tradition of baseball. If you risk a painful death by sitting around someone eating a peanut, first of all, your life really sucks and secondly, stay the hell home and watch the game on YES in your nut free home. Listen to The Civil Wars and drink coconut milk while root root rooting for the home team, you fussy little troll. We're trying to get our peanut on here. Charles Darwin no doubt had the peanut allergy sufferers in mind when he fleshed out his natural selection theory. The fittest will be enjoying a bag of Planters and a Heineken while the allergic waste away in their segregated, pretentious peanut free zone. I hope they die and go to peanut hell, where Mr Peanut pokes you with his cane and forces nutter butters down your throat for eternity. It starts with one roped off section, next the entire stadium will be peanutless, and then where does it all end? No hot dogs for the pork averse? Only soy ice cream served in little helmets? That peanuts guy who works in the bleachers that looks like Pedro Martinez and throws behind the back passes to customers will be out of work. Where does it stop?? Even if you can't eat nuts, grow some and quit complaining.

Anyway, play ball and let's go Yankees! See you at the ballpark.

I don't Trust Any Man who Doesn't Eat Meat

There are only a few simple pleasures in this life that can divert us from the drudgery of our mundane existences on earth. One is women, one is sports, and the other is a nice, juicy steak. Yes, there's nothing that makes you feel more like a man than a slab of red meat and an aged scotch (if you're snooty like some of us at PTU). With the news that many of New York's finest steak houses are now charging the formerly taboo price of 50 bucks for a steak, as well as the ever present studies linking early death to red meat feeling manly is becoming ever more expensive and risky. But if you're one of those guys who doesn't eat red meat, you don't care. You're also barely a man.

Now I'm not saying that all men who refrain from digesting animals are less than a man. If you do so for dietary reasons, like you have already had a triple bypass surgery and now must eat boiled potatoes or your heart will explode, by all means say no to a ribeye at Lugers. But if you're a vegetarian or vegan for any other reason, such as you don't eat anything with a face or you find the treatment of animals appalling, go kill yourself. Lost one time PTU correspondent Blackie once wrote a pretty boring piece about how much he hated vegans, but even if he no longer exists to us, he had a point. Those preachy bastards place right below people who work at Cross fit and republican women as the most annoying beings in the universe. I love to eat things with faces. Everything I eat has a face. Even when I eat vegetables I draw faces on them, before I devour them. If you feel that badly for a cow, you should just stop living your life as a man. Have a steak, you twat.

Stop Waiting In Line For Sneakers, You Idiots.

I've said many times that I will no longer wait in line for a few things that tend to generate huge lines in New York: hamburgers, pizza, burritos, roller coasters, movies and of course, sneakers. All those other things usually attract a line of white people that doesn't last longer than an hour, that is with one exception. SNEAKERS. Waiting on line for Nike's newest rerelease of a Jordan or Foamposite has been around for a while - "NEW fuscia snakeskin Jordan 4's on sale at midnight! - and will be for as long as Nike enjoys money and kids in the hood remain conformists but recently the "waiting in line for days" thing has spiraled helplessly out of control. You see it at Apple stores for the newest iphones, Best Buys for one day sales on tv's, and at Foot Lockers for the aforementioned perp shoes. What has happened to people? While technology has transformed our lives so that we can shop, meet potential romantic partners and basically live an entire life sitting on our asses in our homes, certain products still have people camping out for days like the government is handing out the antidote to a flesh eating disease. Case in point is this Friday's release of the All Star and NASA themed Foamposite Galaxys which has some wastes of life camped out since LAST SATURDAY to cop a pair. I'm here to tell you: you assholes are stupid.

I love sneakers as much as anyone (please check out the many perp shoe entries on this very blog) but there is no sensible reason for anyone to stand in line for longer than 10 minutes for a pair of sneakers. I get the need to meet the approval of your classmates, coworkers, fellow inmates, or just people on the subway, but you know what's really cool and makes people envious? SNEAKERS THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS. And you know who has those Jordans you waited in line for 3 days for? THE OTHER THOUSANDS OF ASSHOLES WHO WAITED IN THAT LINE! And thousands of other similarly minded idiots who have taken off from work (ha ha, just kidding) or cut school or violated their parole curfews to camp out in front of Foot Actions around the country just so they can have the same footwear as someone's baby. There's nothing remotely cool about that. 95% of the sneaker game is getting that exclusive that no one else has, not the same pair of kicks that your best friend's grandma will be rocking. That ain't fresh. That's just retarded. Any sneaker head worth his childhood Eastbay subscription knows the key to being "fresh to death" as the kids say, is exclusivity as well as an individual take on a style that everyone has. If you're wearing the exact same sneakers that everyone else has including their mothers, babies, baby mothers, fathers, grandfathers, dogs and cats, and pastors, you are NOT FRESH. You losers need to get your asses on line for a real job that wouldn't allow you to take off for a week to squat on Herald Square and then worry about finding a sneaker connect. There hasn't been this many annoying people in tents since Woodstock '99, Or Occupy Wall Street. For those of you who do have jobs, hurry up and get off that line because the Jalapeno poppers at Applebee's are not going to serve themslves. Get a life, you unoriginal swaggerless donkies.

That Stupid Lexus Commercial is Ruining Christmas

Christmas is a wonderful (if somewhat stressful) time for everyone. Even Jews enjoy the birth of Christ as it affords them valuable movie marathons at the local Multiplex as us ignorant, Christians awkwardly try on our sweaters and eat turkey and whatnot. But there is a real war on Christmas, an assault on the true spirit of our holiest day. That is those awful Lexus "December to Remember" commercials.

There's so much to hate about this ad campaign. Firstly, it's just one douchebag after another giving their douchey spouse a luxury car with a big bow on it (a douchey bow I might add). Who can relate to this? I'm no supporter of OWS, but this commercial makes me want to pitch a tent in the nearest publicly funded park on Wall Street, and start eating cans of spaghetti o's in a drum circle. It's simple hate, but it feels so right to hate these idiots. The economy is going to hell, every day there's a new story on the nightly news proclaiming 90% of the country lives below the poverty line and is now eating urinal cakes for nourishment, millions of young adults are moving back in with Mom and Dad, Russia has a Satan missile and these fools are giving Lexuses to each other like they're Harry and David fruit baskets.

I wouldn't even hate on the ads if the execution was slightly less annoying. Each ad unspools in the same horrific manner: some type of annoying couple is going about their daily routine; getting ready for a night on the town, playing a generic version of Rock Band with the kids or something when they're alerted to a special gift lurking outside their home/condo. Unfortunately for us it's not a Satan missile, but a Lexus with a big bow on it. I understand that there is a world out there where people buy each other's cars for Xmas but it doesn't seem like this is relatable for much of America. And the way they cutely reveal the gift is gag inducing. These technological wizards somehow program their building's elevator or a video game to play that annoying Lexus December to Remember theme song. I suppose if you have the disposable income to lavish a 50 thousand dollar car on your loved ones you can also rig the elevator in your condo or pay somebody to reprogram your video games. And about that song, the whole premise of the ads rely on the gift recipient instantly recognizing that song as the "Lexus" song. I could hear that a million times and not associate it with Lexus. It sounds like a basic Holiday type song. But now I'll instantly associate that tune with douchey rich assholes who take over my tv during every time out of every NFL game and remind me of how much worse my life is since I'm sweating over buying an Ipad! Bah Humbug and go to Hell, Lexus!

Occupy Wall Street? Not me. I have to work.

We've hosted this image before here on PTU. But what does it really mean?

I think it's the proper image for this movement, but for the wrong reasons: The bull is still strongly raging as if the ballerina atop it isn't even there. She's graceful, but enigmatic and inconsequential.

The basic premise for the Occupy Wall Street Movement is that things aren't economically "fair".

I think George Orwell said it best in Animal Farm: All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

Let's not forget that social structures are not based on the idea that everyone should start off with the same things, rather that everyone is entitled to the same things given their contribution to that said society. For example: The country of Japan owes me nothing because I'm not a part of their "society". That is to say that for one, I don't pay taxes (participate) to Japan. In effect, I'm not entitled to the same rights a Japanese citizen in Japan would have. In fact, I'm most likely not entitled to any.

That being said, these people are not fighting for rights, per-se. Their fighting for what they believe are their rights - for what they believe they deserve as a consequence of just plainly existing. They're fighting for something that was never theirs in the first place.

Sometimes I hear things like: "Man! AmEx won't cut me a break on my credit card bill." Well, guess what? AmEx didn't force you to charge (not buy) a round of Patrón shots for your buddy's birthday. Some of these protesters seem to want to have their cake and eat it too. This is of course a generalization, but it's my belief that it's a mild assertion at most.

Look, I get it. Even I think that some high level corporate officers should be in jail. I'm not called the Motown Marxist for nothing. Sure, I would like to take a private Jet to Monaco every weekend where I can then drive my Maserati down the coast with my supermodel [wife]. And sometimes it sucks to think that a dude living 2 miles away actually does this. But that's never been the life I was sold/given/knew I had to adopt. Maybe my social status and personal handicaps taught me at an early age that fair isn't about getting what everyone else gets, fair is about given the opportunity to fight for what everyone else gets.

So when you do finally NEED to fight, have a good reason with purpose. It would also help if your actions didn't contradict your motives. That is, you don't actively participate in the very behavior you're rallying against. For causes like these it helps to be selfless... when it's sincere.

Dr Dre Is A Scum Bag

And now if you would allow me to rant for a second, I have something I need to get off my chest: Dr. Dre is the most over rated dirtbag scam artist in the music business. Yeah, I loved a lot of his music, dating all the way back to the NWA days, then to the G-funk era of The Chronic and Doggystyle to his dominance of the late 90s and early 2000s with The Chronic 2001 and the stuff with Eminem and 50 cent. But Andre's biggest financial success has also been the single biggest scam of the 21st century: the Beats by Dre headphones.

These flimsy piece of shit headphones have basically taken over the market, just take a look around you next time you're on the subway or at the gym. How every high school age kid and welfare recipient in New York can afford 300 dollar headphones is a question for the ages, but they make it happen. And it's not just the hood. If you're a reclusive hermit type just turn on ESPN and see all the athletes from LeBron to Kobe to the last guy on the Red Bulls' bench (they're a soccer team) walking to and from the team bus with the distinctive red B sticking out of their ears. Guess what? They've all been fooled! Bamboozled and hoodwinked! I, too, had the wool pulled over my eyes. Dre promised me that you couldn't really listen to music without a pair of his headphones so I had to see what all the hype was about. I expected to hear things I'd never heard before. Every note, drum snare and lyric sounding like the whisper of a thousand heavenly angels; music as God had intended. 2 weeks and 170 dollars later I had one working headphone and one blown out left headphone. And those were the least expensive ones in the whole line! Thankfully I spent another 20 dollars on insurance-since that's what you do when making an investment such as this- so I could trade the faulty joints in for another pair. Less than 4 months later these pieces of junk popped again. So I'm saying farewell to Beats by Dre. You've tormented me long enough, Andre. And let's be honest, every beat Dre's made since 2003 has sounded EXACTLY THE SAME. He's been riding those two albums for a 20 year career and somehow he's still looked at as some type of musical God even though a Jewish coke head was responsible for the majority of his instrumental "genius". He got lucky with Eminem (and really how much musical insight do you need to figure out that a ridiculously talented blond guy would be popular?) but most people forget the other 20 or so signings by Aftermath. For every 50 cent and Eminem there's 4 or 5 Joe Beasts and Bishop Lamonts. Those are actual names of rappers (look it up). And if the recent Ronnie from Jersey Shore like pictures and the couple of leaks off the mythical Detox are any indication, Dre's been spending his time sticking steroid needles in his ass instead of crafting classic hip hop records.

So, Dre, you had a nice 10 or 15 year run as a very good producer. You no longer wear glitter and makeup or pretend to be a gang banger, but I hate you and your cheap headphones that you've fooled the world into spending their hard earned money on. And guess what? The 40 dollar Sony headphones I bought today as a quick placeholder between my next purchase sound better than your overpriced garbage. Bose, here I come. Eat a dick, Dre.

Occupy Wall Street: A Disgrace To Real Hippies Everywhere

Some of us at PTU got into a vigorous debate today about the merits of the "Occupy Wall Street" protest. While most of PTU probably agrees with the majority of what I'm about to write, I'll be fair and say that Bottle vehemently disagrees.


Take a look at the image above that this group has on their own Facebook page and it highlights the main problem with this movement: they have no actual idea what their goals are. The only goal seems to be to complain about every liberal issue all at once while sleeping in the street without showering. Of course there are problems with corporate domination of American politics along with lots of other important issues, but these people aren't going to accomplish anything the way they are going about this.


Unfortunately our generation has turned into a bunch of whiners who like to blame everything on someone else. How can someone living in the U.S. possibly compare the challenges and oppression they face to someone living under a dictatorship in the Middle East? How does anyone who contributes anything meaningful to society have time to spend a month sleeping in a park and protesting every random issue known to man? Sure life isn't fair, but unfortunately the new norm is to sit around and blame everyone else for your problems instead of putting in some good old fashioned hard work to better yourself and achieve real change.


The hypocrisy is also rife among this group. Probably the best quote I've seen that sums this up comes (surprisingly) from the usually left leaning NYTimes:

"One day, a trader on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Adam Sarzen, a decade or so older than many of the protesters, came to Zuccotti Park seemingly just to shake his head. “Look at these kids, sitting here with their Apple computers,” he said. “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world. It trades at $400 a share. Do they even know that?".


Now, let me say that I think many of the issues that some of these "protesters" want to raise are quite valid. We do need to make sure we are enough of a civilized nation that we don't let people die from a tooth infection because they don't have insurance. We have to think logically and objectively about how our actions contribute to and modify the natural climate change that occurs over time. Unfortunately it seems like many lazy wannabe hippies are taking advantage of these problems to have an "experience". Someone should tell them that is what Burning Man is for, real problems need to be solved by real leaders with clear goals and objectives.


This gets me to my final point, which is that these people can learn something from keeping it real hippies back in the day. They were able to set clear goals and contribute to meaningful outcomes such as the signing of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the withdrawal of American troops from Vietnam. These modern day hipsters should take a lesson from the keeping it real hippies and actually get something done instead of blogging to their friends back in Kansas about the cool experience they had protesting nothing. Anything else is a disgrace to the original hippies they idolize. 

Hiking On The Iranian Border: BAD IDEA

By now you've probably read the story of the American Hikers who "wandered" into Iran while on a wonderful journey of discovery. After over two years in captivity, they were finally released after "someone" paid $1MM in ransom to Iran. Apparently they didn't see my map above before leaving and ended up in Iran accidentally while hiking in the peaceful Iraqi countryside. They whined about their time in Iran despite the fact their accommodations sounded quite nice compared to some American lock-ups like the Brooklyn House of Detention (certain unnamed PTU'ers can attest to this). The whole saga ended up getting resolved only when Sean Penn asked his friend Hugo Chavez in Venezuela to appeal on the lost hikers behalf.

If you read the accounts in the media these hikers are poor lost souls who were attacked by an evil government and had Spicoli from Ridgemont high save them. The obvious questions everyone should be asking instead are:

• Why are some idiot over-privileged UC Berkeley grads hiking around near the Iranian border? Does anyone in the world think this is a good idea?
• Their excuse is that they started out on on innocent hiking trip in the "safe" Kurdistan region of Iraq...like hiking in Iraq is a great idea to begin with. 
• Who paid the $1MM to get these jackasses free? Their families say they don't know who paid for their release, but it is obvious it was the U.S. taxpayer.

Next time you want to go hiking in a war zone or sailing through the water off the cost of Somalia be prepared to take responsibility for your own stupidity. 

A PTU Perspective on the Debt Ceiling Crisis

By now there is no way you've escaped the dire warnings about the world ending on August 2nd if the U.S. debt ceiling isn't raised. This is a complicated issue, and I certainly don't have the answer because if I did I'd be doing something much more valuable for humanity then pasting Scrooge McDuck into my PTU blog post. That being said, I'm getting a bit fed up with the ass clowns that aren't doing their job in DC.

Let's take a look at the two competing plans out there right now. Pretend you are drunk and playing Megatouch at the local dive...what is different between these two pictures (graphic is from the WSJ)



In my opinion, NOTHING worthwhile. To begin with I learned recently that one congress cannot bind another. This means that whatever kind of caps and crap they put in place, real fiscal reductions are only guaranteed for '12 and '13. Both plans leave a lot of room for imagination....what the hell is "at least 1.8 trillion to be named later". Is this a baseball trade? For the most part both these plans seem to kick the real hard choices down the road, which isn't surprising given the way our politicians like to operate.

While there is certainly a benefit to balancing the budget, certain schools of economic thought would alos question the wisdom of doing this now. The economy is barely sputtering along and the employment and housing markets aren't looking so great. While at some point we are going to have to get our house in order, doing it right now runs the risk of some really negative impacts on the economy which might take some time to clear up. I'm not sure all the Tea Party fanatics out there really have a firm grasp on these risks.

The real problem is that both parties are mixing ideology with economics. The Democrats want to ensure that NOTHING gets touched in Social Security or Medicare. The Republicans want to make sure that little Suzy doesn't have her taxes raised too much so that she can still fly to summer camp on a private jet. Long term if we really want to correct things, everyone is going to have to give something up. Poor people are going to have to expect cuts in their entitlements, and the rich are going to have to pay more in taxes. We may have to decide we can't help every backward ass country that has some dickhead dictator ruining everything. The point is that we will all have to accept some sacrifices, and our representatives in D.C. need to stop being a bunch of 5 year old babies and get this done. While I don't believe the global economy will collapse due to a partial U.S. default on debt, it will certainly do a good deal of damage to our global reputation as well as the value of the dollar.

Maybe the people involved in the NFL labor negotiations should stop down and D.C. since somehow they managed to find a way to compromise. Oh well, at least this fall when the economy is collapsing I can still watch football.

The New York City Subway: Still Grimy

Ah, New York City. The Big Apple, home to everyone from everywhere who's trying to chase their dream. It's a well known fact, bemoaned by us native NYers to the point of exhaustion to anyone who does or doesn't want to listen, that our home town ain't what it used to be. Johnny and Jilly Hipsterpants have taken over the outer boroughs to the point that the person whining about gentrification is starting to sound like those gay marriage opponents: It's a fact of life that you just have to accept at some point, even if you find it personally offensive. The invasion began a long, long time ago when most of us were still in jean shorts and Catapults. By now, a whole generation has grown up knowing Brooklyn (and other parts of the city) as artist and yuppie havens. As I've mentioned before, this has it's pros and cons (safety vs character basically) but for all those lovers of all things old and crappy, New York still has one remnant of the dangerous old days:

The NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY

Sure, it's not as dangerous as the 70s or 80s when you were as likely to get knifed in the gut as you are unlikely to get a seat on the 6 train during rush hour today, but every day for us commuting straphangers is another race against the clock to escape death or at the very least, a homeless person shitting themselves. Even if Times Square now looks like something Michael Eisner would hallucinate after a Salvia binge, the subway station is still a hot, muggy, grimy cesspool of diseased homeless people and pissed off commuters just like it's always been. And by muggy I mean there are a lot of people down there who want to mug you. There might be less graffiti down there, and there aren't as many marauding gangs looking for thrill kills or initiation beat downs, but everyone who's lived here for at least a year or two has a story about a close encounter with a naked crack fiend or screaming lunatic racist (who is probably also naked). Every girl that I know has numerous stories of homeless dudes (or even pervs who have homes) jerking off in front of them. If that is not an incentive to stay in Wisconsin and enjoy the lower cost of living, I don't know what is. And then there's the rats. This video may or may not be staged, but it combines the two key elements of subway travel in New York: sleeping homeless people and giant brown rats. That might as well be the MTA's slogan.

All this might make it sound like I hate the New York city subway system (and I do) but one aspect of the subways that's kind of cool is it might be the last real example of the New York City "melting pot". While most neighborhoods in and around the city are either homogeneously ethnic or are that common mix of new school out of town hip folks and original residents who are either left behind or refuse to go anywhere, the average subway station crams hundreds of different people together like sardines spanning every race, tax bracket, shape, size and color. A Benetton ad of people who hate their lives and each other, avoiding eye contact and trying to read Junot Diaz or Sistah Souljah (depending on their race) with a 300 pound Guatemalan's elbow lodged in their stomach and praying to Allah or Christ that there aren't "station delays" and that the guy in the bike shorts in his bare feet during a snow storm is just harmless crazy and not "stab you in the brain" crazy . Sinatra couldn't have said it better.

NFL Lockout: Screwing the Little Guys

As the NFL lockout enters it's third month, the Miami Dolphins announced pay cuts for team employees. These cuts target the team's operational staff, including some of the lowest-paid employees in the organization. The pay cuts vary depending on the salary of the employee. Employees making more than $75K will take a 20% pay cut, where employees making less than $50K will take a 10% cut. The pay cuts will end at the conclusion of the lockout. The Dolphins cited slumping season ticket sales (due to the lockout) as the reason for these cuts.

Other teams have instituted similar pay cuts and other cost-saving measures as well, including the Cardinals, BIlls, Packers, Charges, Raiders, Chiefs, Steelers, Bengals, and Rams. The Jets furloughed operational staff for two weeks and cut the salaries of the coaching staff. All league personnel at New York offices of the NFL had their pay slashed by 12% with a cut of 25% promised if the lockout extends into August. Commissioner Goodell reportedly slashed his own salary to $1.

I nearly lost it when I read about this nonsense. Let me get this straight. The owners decide to lockout the players, effectively deciding not to have a season, and the guys going to work everyday making peanuts (relatively) have to take a pay cut? The owners make a TV deal (one of the largest sources of NFL revenue) that provides guaranteed money and stop paying the players (one of their largest expenses), and the guys making the least have to take a pay cut? That's bullshit.

I recognize that sometimes workers need to share the pain when a business isn't do so hot. Market conditions may cause financial turmoil in an industry that results in the need for cuts to employee wages and benefits to ensure the continued survival of the business. I understand that. It's perfectly reasonable to reduce salary and benefits in those situations. Most people would rather take a pay cut than lose their jobs when their employer goes out of business. In this case, however, the NFL owners have decided to create this situation and the only threat to the league is this awful decision.

Here's a quick rundown of the numbers to illustrate how douchy cutting team employee wages is. The NFL generates about $9 billion in revenue a year. The owners keep about $1 billion off the top for operational expenses. The owners and players split the remaining revenue about 50/50. So, the owner's get about $4 billion more, for a total of $5 billion a year. The owners are guaranteed $4 billion in revenue from the current TV deal, which is about 80% of what they usually make. The owners aren't paying the players, so you don't need to worry abou that $4 billion, and they're not currently covering the cost of their medical care, which probably saves them tens of million of dollars (probably more). The point is that the salaries of these team employees should already be covered by the guaranteed TV money, but who knows since the teams refuse to open up their books.

Anyway, I think this is the most disgusting and deplorable development in this saga. While I think the players do deserve a deal similar to the previous CBA, I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for them considering the money that they have made. Non-playing team employees don't make anywhere near player money though. I bet most of their salaries go towards supporting their families, paying their mortgages, paying off student loans, and saving for their kids' education. My biggest problem with this is that these people have nothing to do with the labor dispute, but they have to suffer because the owners are intent on breaking the union. Okay, I get it, the players aren't bending over quick enough, so team personnel has to take it up the ass until then. Apparently, the owners are devoid of any sense of common decency, their greed seemingly knowing no bounds.

Assuming that the 2011 NFL season takes place, the NFL will presumably generate the same amount of revenue, maybe more, this season. In that event the owner will not loss any money. Will these team employees be reimbursed for those lost wages in that event? Probably not, because that will just be a little more money in the owners' pockets, and that's what this thing has been about from the start. I suppose I was okay with that when it was the millionaires v. billionaires, but now that the little guys are getting screwed, I think the NFL has stooped to a new low.

Why I Hate The Mets 2011 Season

I've been a Mets fan since the minute I started watching baseball. I guess it was easy in the beginning since I started watching around 1985. Back in those days the Yanks were suffering through some of the worst years of the franchise and the Mets were winning with a bunch of crazy drunks. The raw talent of a pitcher like Dwight Gooden was amazing, at least until the DWI's and the crack. It is sad to think that the Gooden may be the last great homegrown Mets pitcher.

I was out this weekend and a Yankee fan straight up asked me "Why are you a Mets fan?" I was able to come up with an answer but it took me five minutes to rationalize this decision. This year I'm fed up. I'm not going to give up on my team but I'm going to declare they have officially burned up all my patience. Now today we hear that Chris Young, who has been perhaps the best starting pitcher they have had so far this season, re-injured his shoulder and is likely out for the season. This comes right on the back of the news that their best pitching prospect, Jenry Mejia, needs Tommy John Surgery. What the hell is wrong with the Mets medical and training staff? This is not an isolated incident, the Mets players routinely fall apart (I'm looking at you Mr. Reyes).

This is all indicative of what is sure to be a long and torturous season where I have to listen to Yankee fans complain about Derek Jeter only hitting .275 and how Rafael Soriano is a terrible set-up man while they waltz into the post season. METS PLEASE WAKE UP AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!

Why I Hate Vegans

I saw about ten minutes of Scott Pilgrim v. the World the other night. I haven't seen this movie, but apparently Scott has to defeat all this girl's ex-boyfriends before they can go out or something like that. Anyway, one of the boyfriends is a vegan, and being a vegan gives him psychic powers. Ridiculous I know. One of the characters explains this simply, "[B]eing vegan just makes you better than most people."

This scene goes to be very amusing, but it reminded me of how much I hate vegans. I hate vegans because they think they're better than everybody. Vegans think they are better than everybody because they don't eat animal flesh (including fish) or products derived from animals. True (or ethical) vegans won't even use products made from the exploitation of animals. For instance, I played softball with a vegan who refused to borrow a glove to play in the in-field because they were made of leather. This same guy had to give up drinking beer for a bit because he found out many beers are filtered through fish parts (He ended up finding beers that didn't do this eventually).

Vegans seem to think they are morally better because they don't consume or use products derived from the killing or exploitation of animals. I think the idea that you diet makes you a morally better person is crazy and offensive, unless we're talking the Jeffery Dahmer cannibal diet. If you believe that, you are a douche. Don't get me wrong; eat like a vegan because you think it healthier or something. That's fine by me, but if you start spouting off some holier than thou crap, I want to supersize your face.

I also hate vegans because they act like they're cooler than non-vegans. I think this is related to the moral superiority thing, but it's also a function of the whole vegan culture. Vegans have to go to vegan restaurants, and vegan food stores, and use vegan cookbooks, and hang out with other vegans, because what non-vegan wants to eat vegan if they don't have to. Becoming vegan is like becoming joining a cult. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle, like being a, sigh, hipster. They're part of this select group and you're not, so they're cooler than you. That just pisses me off.

Finally, I hate veganism because I think it captures a very naive and perhaps a very dangerous worldview. It distorts what nature is and conjures up some hippie nonsense about a harmonious and peaceful natural world. Nature is cutthroat. It's dog eat dog. Man has carved out his place in the world, but nature is just waiting to reclaim what man's staked out for his own. If you ever saw Life After People on the History Channel, you'll get what I mean.

Sure, there are some hot vegans, but they're batshit crazy. It's not worth it. Stay away. Don't go near them. If a girl tells you that she's a vegan, politely ask for the check and get the hell out of there. In my opinion, vegans are worse than hipsters, worse than hippies, and worse than communists.

Holiday Weddings - WTF?

Of all the summer holiday weekends; Memorial Day is possibly the best. It’s the unofficial beginning of summer. Crashing someone’s barbeque is always okay, so long as you show up with a case of beer and a few bags of ice to toss in a massive cooler. You get to enjoy overcooked burgers that resemble hockey pucks and shriveled up hot dogs served up by your drunken grill master all day long. It usually provides for your first good weathered memory of a family member or friend getting really drunk and saying/doing something that may be embarrassing for them, but hilarious for all in attendance. Simply put, it’s great.

Much to my dismay, I just received a wedding invitation for the Saturday of this awesome weekend. After your 27th birthday or so, you come to accept that you will have to put aside one or two Saturdays every three months or so for some wedding or kid birthday party. What you never expect is for someone to take your great weekend hostage by forcing you to trade your cargo shorts (you need the extra pocket to carry that road beer home after the barbeque) for a suit and tie. So while PTU readers are enjoying good times, I’ll be watching two people exchange vows, followed by an indoor cocktail hour, a buffet and then some terrible entree. WTF?

The Royal Wedding - Who Gives A Sh*t

Part of beating the Brits in the Revolutionary War and bailing them out in World War II, means that I shouldn’t have the royal wedding shoved in my face. “What is the Queen going to wear? What is the prince going to say? Where is Kate staying before the wedding? Let’s get a play by play of them shaking hands and greeting people. Oh my, look at all of the hats!”

A balding, horse looking, figurehead is marrying his kind of cute high school sweetheart. I don’t give a sh*t. Part of being American means I shouldn’t have to give a shit or watch it or hear about it. Why can’t I just wake up and go about my morning routine of coffee and news? Why do I need a play by play of hand shaking, what Posh Spice is wearing, or what is the prince and princess’ carriage ride to the palace look like?

Prince Harry, please continue walking around with your ginger hair and your sneaky grin. Please continue to pull as much tang possible, getting twasted at every opportunity, and living up to your “Dirty Harry” reputation. The longer you keep this going, the longer you spare me and all other American men the torture of retarded women and media outlets glorifying bullsh*t we could care less about.

A Mets Fan Appeal To The Wilpons: SELL THE TEAM!

Even if we don't like to admit it to Yankees fans, Mets fans have it tough in this town. We might try to be optimistic, and about every 25 years or so something good happens, but most of the time  we suffer. This fact seems to be lost upon the Wilpon family, who have now demonstrated that not only don't they know how to run a baseball club, they also make some pretty bad business decisions. How else do you explain a major market baseball team ranked #5 in franchise value posting a reported net loss of $50M in 2010. Revenue was reportedly down $60M dollars last year, and not surprisingly 2011 attendance is expected to be significantly lower as the team continues to play like crap. This is all after a new stadium was built only two years ago. If you ask me, the stadium is the best thing about being a Mets fan in 2011.

For anyone who wants to read a detailed account of how the Wilpons have made us suffer, you can find that here on the Mets fan blog "Faith and Fear in Flushing". 

We have suffered for too long. The Mets are not run the way a NY baseball organization should be run. They don't focus on baseball fundamentals, they treat the fans like idiots, and they expose the team to potential financial ruin by investing with the likes of Madoff. They leave us to defend ourselves against Yankee fans while offering no real hope of building a solid team. They are a classless organization, firing Willie Randolph over the phone shortly after taking the Mets to the NLCS. 

Here is my goal for the season. Mets fans, here is my appeal to you. Please boycott this team. Drive them out of business. Make them lose money. The only winning season we can have in 2011 is the Wilpons selling the team to someone who knows what they are doing and wants to bring a winner to NL baseball in NYC. 

What's the Point of The Ice Cream Truck?

It's that time of year again. Now that the weather in New York is finally feeling like Spring, that can mean only one thing: The ice cream truck is back. I always loved the ice cream truck as a kid, and I can still remember being really excited when the truck would be parked outside of my elementary school. Well, I was a dumb kid back then, and like most dumb kids I liked a lot of things that I realize are pointless today (like Play-doh, picking my nose and rooting for the Jets).

Now, I have no beef with Mister Softee or Kustard King's selections, they peddle soft-serve ice cream, which is hard to come by particularly in the city. But the generic truck like the one that parked outside of my grammar school (it just said DANNY on it) sells the same shit that Ahmed sells to me for half of the price at the local corner store. If DANNY or whoever else sat quietly and waited for people to come to him or had some other sort of viral campaign to signal his arrival, I'd actually be cool with him. But he insists on playing that God damned song. I suppose this was good marketing though, since there aren't too many things I can instantly recall within seconds. I know that shit better than my first name. But that same 8 bar tune played on a nonstop loop must be the soundtrack to the slow journey into insanity (full disclosure, my bedroom faces a busy street).

The selection hasn't changed at all in the past 20 years either. They serve the same mixture of King Cones, Drumsticks and Good Humor bars (which I have to admit are incredible) as they did when "The Hogan Family" was still on. I'm all for nostalgia, but it's time for a change, fellas. Mix it up a little. Throw in some sour patch kids or Sun Chips, or there's no reason that we can't walk a couple extra feet to our local Optimo for our summer treats.

And lastly, ice cream truck driver has to be the employer of the shadiest people this side of a barber shop. Have you ever seen these guys? I know the only requirements are to be able to drive, count out change and sit in one place for 15 minutes, but most of these dudes look like they were on a work release program from Oz. Do we really want Adabesi serving Choco Tacos to our kids?

I hate you, ice cream man.

Disclaimer: Again, my bedroom faces a busy street.