The Lock Yard Bay Ridge, a Review

"The Hipsters are coming . THE HIPSTERS ARE COMING" Are what they screamed as the announcement of this Beer Garden was going to be opened. Well to be honest if Hipsters love Artisan Sausages and Fancy Hot Dogs, then I expect to come in my the hundreds. But I am not a Hipster and I am not really sure what one is, but I didn't like my experience at The Lock Yard. Let me break it down for you

First I really liked the Pink Lemonade

It was not too sweet it was refreshing and provided a nice exhilarating quenching of my thirst. It all went down hill from there. I found the menu limiting if I was in the mood for hot dogs and sausages maybe I would have had a different experience, so I tried to make the best of my limited options and ordered a Kings Smoked Beef and Cheddar Sausage with onions. I'm not sure what the bread roll was that they gave it to me in but it dwarfed the sausage and I felt like all I was tasting was onions . Along with my order I ordered waffle fries with two dipping sauces. The first sauce I order was Carolina Gold BBQ and Sweet Bourbon Mustard. The Carolina Gold BBQ was really good, but the Sweet Bourbon Mustard was not sweet or any good, I spoke to a manager about it , he came back with replacement sauce but I didn't taste any improvement. When my fries arrived I thought things were picking up since they brought what appeared to be two portions of fries, now I started thinking "interesting generous portions of fries". When my bill came I got the bad news that for every dipping sauce I ordered , I apparently ordered another portion of fries. So I don't know if my server was just bad or this is a normal practice at The Lock Yard. Along with my experience I ate outside.

It looked nice at outside, but as you see it was pretty empty. Overall I didn't have a good experience , but I am willing to give the place another try, but nexttime I'll be in the mood for some hot dogs.

I give this experience 2.5 hot dogs out of 5

I don't Trust Any Man who Doesn't Eat Meat

There are only a few simple pleasures in this life that can divert us from the drudgery of our mundane existences on earth. One is women, one is sports, and the other is a nice, juicy steak. Yes, there's nothing that makes you feel more like a man than a slab of red meat and an aged scotch (if you're snooty like some of us at PTU). With the news that many of New York's finest steak houses are now charging the formerly taboo price of 50 bucks for a steak, as well as the ever present studies linking early death to red meat feeling manly is becoming ever more expensive and risky. But if you're one of those guys who doesn't eat red meat, you don't care. You're also barely a man.

Now I'm not saying that all men who refrain from digesting animals are less than a man. If you do so for dietary reasons, like you have already had a triple bypass surgery and now must eat boiled potatoes or your heart will explode, by all means say no to a ribeye at Lugers. But if you're a vegetarian or vegan for any other reason, such as you don't eat anything with a face or you find the treatment of animals appalling, go kill yourself. Lost one time PTU correspondent Blackie once wrote a pretty boring piece about how much he hated vegans, but even if he no longer exists to us, he had a point. Those preachy bastards place right below people who work at Cross fit and republican women as the most annoying beings in the universe. I love to eat things with faces. Everything I eat has a face. Even when I eat vegetables I draw faces on them, before I devour them. If you feel that badly for a cow, you should just stop living your life as a man. Have a steak, you twat.

Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods

Thanksgiving is a time of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, you have to deal with annoying relatives who you'd sooner spend a lifetime blocking from seeing your Facebook statuses than spend a dinner with, but there you are forced to make inane small talk about how you feel about your job for a good hour or so. Then, on the other hand, you have glorious food. Ah yes, thanksgiving food is about as good as it gets. I'm not sure if I love the stuff so much because it's only served once or twice a year or if it's just that gosh darn awesome. Either way, I feel like I could eat most of what's served on Thanksgiving every day for the rest of my life and would be content, even though that would mean I would never get my tryptophaned ass off the couch. What are the top 5?

5) Mashed Potatoes

The potato is one of those foods that's good in almost any form that it's prepared. Au gratin, baked, french fries, it's all fantastic. Mashed potatoes though, are a close second to baked potatoes as the very best type of potato (baked potatoes ability to be a vehicle for awesomeness like sour cream and bacon bits puts it over the top). Just make sure they're not too runny or chunky or you've fucked your whole holiday up.

4) Turkey with gravy

Turkey on its own is kind of a drag. It's dry and puts you to sleep while the Lions are still down by just one touchdown. But paired with gravy, it's delicious. Turkeys get so much attention around this time of year, but they're really nothing more than a vehicle for gravy. Stupid turkeys.

3) Pumpkin Pie

Apple pie might get all the love (the saying about being as American as, Jason Biggs banging it) but nothing beats a slice of pumpkin pie with some cool whip. It almost makes "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 100th time tolerable.

2) Cranberry Sauce

Some people don't like cranberry sauce. I don't understand those people since cranberry sauce is awesome. Whether sliced or in the sauce version with the little cranberries in it, it's one of the few times I don't mind sweet fruit (is cranberry a fruit?) mixed in with my meat.

1) Stuffing


Yup, stuffing. The shit that comes right out of the bird or the Stove Top kind. It doesn't matter what type of stuffing it is, that shit is crack. In the 90s there were these commercials that aired constantly that had a couple different premises: Some asshole would find a way to eat at his friends house because they were having Stove Top stuffing for dinner, and I guess their own mother was too stupid or had an alcohol problem and couldn't be bothered to provide her children with the stuffing they deserved. That mom was a real bitch. Another commercial involved two kids (one who was Hyde on That 70's Show) plotting to get their Stove Top fix. High five to stuffing! Stove Top also apparently came in a Pringles like can so you could feed your brood the stuffing they all love right out of the can. Just don't put any fruit or nuts in your stuffing, that's just gross.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Ladies, Gents, Children of all ages! The time has come for some FOOTBALL! Tonight's match up is The Saints of New Orleans vs The Packers of Green Bay. Rather then bore you with words on how much I love football and telling you how much you should love football, I am just going to break down the game.

Packers are going to win the game, here is why.

1. Saints defense is still Swiss Cheese, Rodgers and company will take advantage of that to the max.

2. Saints improved ground game is smoke and mirrors. The Saints will miss Reggie Bush more then they know. Teams use to have to game plan for him, now the Packers can just key in on the passing game and give Drew headaches all night.

3. Packers are at home. Short preseason + having to travel= not a good time for the Saints and their passing game that involves a lot of timing.

Even though you know the outcome, there is still plenty of reasons to watch the game. It will be exciting and its the only game in town. So put your feet up, grab some brews and chow down on your E.P.H. from Pete's and enjoy the game.

M@D out!

It's Not Delivery, It's Disgusting

As food marketing in the U.S. continues to resemble a stoner's wet dream, we are met with this stomach-turning combination. I'm no foodie snob, and I've been known to put away an Ellio's frozen pizza or two in my time, but pairing up chocolate chip cookie dough with it is kind of gross. The advertising campaign is equally disturbing.

Some asshole walks into a party toting 2 gallons of milk (which understandably is met with confusion) only to run into his white buddy (commercial friends are always inter-racial) who, holy shit, also is brandishing a milk jug like Jalen Rose would an O.E. 40. High fives! Nothing makes a lame party lamer than frozen pizza, except milk and cookies. Bad enough most of Middle America's (and really everywhere except the east coast and Chicago) idea of pizza is Papa John's with pineapple, now you want us to eat cookies and milk with it? Mama Mia! Michelle Obama can't be happy about this. Might as well feed little Billy some cookie dough with his supreme pizza, sit him in front of the 50 inch Plasma while he plays Call of Duty on-line for 6 hours and let his arteries clog up like the family toilet will an hour after choking down this crap. No wonder North Korea hates us.