The Lock Yard Bay Ridge, a Review

"The Hipsters are coming . THE HIPSTERS ARE COMING" Are what they screamed as the announcement of this Beer Garden was going to be opened. Well to be honest if Hipsters love Artisan Sausages and Fancy Hot Dogs, then I expect to come in my the hundreds. But I am not a Hipster and I am not really sure what one is, but I didn't like my experience at The Lock Yard. Let me break it down for you

First I really liked the Pink Lemonade

It was not too sweet it was refreshing and provided a nice exhilarating quenching of my thirst. It all went down hill from there. I found the menu limiting if I was in the mood for hot dogs and sausages maybe I would have had a different experience, so I tried to make the best of my limited options and ordered a Kings Smoked Beef and Cheddar Sausage with onions. I'm not sure what the bread roll was that they gave it to me in but it dwarfed the sausage and I felt like all I was tasting was onions . Along with my order I ordered waffle fries with two dipping sauces. The first sauce I order was Carolina Gold BBQ and Sweet Bourbon Mustard. The Carolina Gold BBQ was really good, but the Sweet Bourbon Mustard was not sweet or any good, I spoke to a manager about it , he came back with replacement sauce but I didn't taste any improvement. When my fries arrived I thought things were picking up since they brought what appeared to be two portions of fries, now I started thinking "interesting generous portions of fries". When my bill came I got the bad news that for every dipping sauce I ordered , I apparently ordered another portion of fries. So I don't know if my server was just bad or this is a normal practice at The Lock Yard. Along with my experience I ate outside.

It looked nice at outside, but as you see it was pretty empty. Overall I didn't have a good experience , but I am willing to give the place another try, but nexttime I'll be in the mood for some hot dogs.

I give this experience 2.5 hot dogs out of 5

A Quick Rant about Wiz Khalifa

Look at that picture! This is one of the hottest rappers out right now? He looks like what would come out if Lenny Kravitz had sex with a crack head, gave that baby up for adoption, and then that baby was raised by gay beat poets. Rick Santorum saw this picture and said, "yeah, you know what? Maybe abortion isn't always bad". I'm not against some forward thinking fashion, but I'd say Wiz looks like he robbed a grandmother on her way home from church, but I think the grandmother would kick his ass if he tried. Even the two dudes next to him have a look on their face like "yeah I know he looks like an anorexic Maxwell, but hey he's paying for us". One of those guys is his boy Chevy Woods, so I guess I can't hate on him for trying to get his foot in the door with whoever, but c'mon Juicy J! You're like 40 years old, been in the rap game for a hundred years, you have an OSCAR, for Christ's sakes! There's got to be a better meal ticket than this. And Flex must be thinking "I used to DJ with Biggie and Wu-Tang. I used to set the trends and influence urban music when I dropped bombs on the exclusive Nas and Jay-z songs. I was instrumental in the culture. Now I do Lugz commercials and shill for weirdos that look like this. Where did I go wrong?". Or maybe he's just thinking, "what's that smell? Smells like burnt chicken grease and pistachios". This picture is also further proof that Amber Rose would bang a toilet plunger if it had a record deal and a video in rotation on 106 & Park. And to top it all off, he can't rap. At least Kanye justifies wearing skirts by being talented. For shame, hip hop! We can do better!

PTU Douchiest Neighborhoods in Brooklyn Power Rankings

L magazine, that pocket sized authority on all things hip and pretentious, recently ran their feature on the Brooklyn Neighborhood power rankings. I quickly glanced at it, so I'm not sure what their ranking system was. As opposed to New York magazine (which is also hip and pretentious but at least journalistically thorough) who had a complicated metric system to break down the order of their neighborhood rankings, L seems to just have ranked these in descending order from "where most of their art school classmates are moving" to "where most of their art school classmates are moving out of" to finally "where no one they would be caught dead speaking to would step foot in" aka Brownsville. Taking our inspiration from them, PTU proudly presents the Douchiest Neighborhoods in Brooklyn Power Rankings.

5. Park Slope

Park Slope held down the distinction as the first BK neighborhood to really make it for many years. By make it, I mean make it insufferable for normal Brooklynites to walk through without feeling like they've been transported to a land of yuppie couples, faux bohemian types (fauxhemian?) and of course, strollers. It's kind of a cliche now to make fun of Park Slope's stroller infestation (it's been parodied on at least 2 HBO comedies) but it doesn't make it any less true and annoying for us single bozos who hate children.

4. Bay Ridge

Sorry, Bay Ridge. We here at PTU have kind of a love hate relationship with you (M@d $cientist, you may want to skip ahead). You're still the most affordable safe neighborhood in Brooklyn, and you still provide so many memories for all of us. But you also are home to at least 3 active terror cells and some of the most douchiest fuck sticks this side of the Jersey Shore. Which is worse: the degenerate Arabs who wish they were Puerto Rican and while away their years on this Earth by hanging out in front of car services and McDonalds, hoping to one day grow up to be the next home-grown Jihadist just like their dirtbag parents or the spray tanned asshole with the Pauly D haircut and the Ed Hardy wardrobe that works out 9 times a week to stand around in Salty Dog and score blowjobs from Guidette nursing students? It's a toss-up for sure.

3. Bushwick

Bushwick was always regarded as one of those neighborhoods that you didn't want to wander through at any time, both for the local gang bangers or the Hasidic population. But over the past few years, those reviled hipsters have invaded East Williamsburg, bringing with them higher rents that their disappointed fathers will pay and the kind of "cool" buzz that gives unemployed organic smoothie makers a hard on in their skinny jeans. Bushwick Bill must be so ashamed.

2. Vinegar Hill

I'm not sure where this is, but it's called Vinegar Hill.

1. Williamsburg

That's right, the reigning champion of douchery, the Muhammad Ali of entitled hipsters, and the biggest reason that Brooklyn style is now considered to be something that looks like this: Williamsburg (or the even douchier nickname Billy Burg). With apologies to Hater J, who lived there pre-hippie takeover, Williamsburg has a couple things going for it; decent bars and restaurants, proximity to Manhattan. But it all pales in comparison to the extreme douche baggery that is on display every day in W'burg. Porkpie hat wearing pussies debating the works of Proust over PBR's and Hasidic Jews double parking make for one of the more annoying experiences you can have in New York. There once was a time that Brooklyn wasn't known for layabout artists and other similar morons, but now you can't separate the two. Brooklyn is hipster douches and there's nothing you can do about it besides write snarky, hate filled blog posts. 2 Broke Girls looks really annoying, too.

Honorable mention:
DUMBO (douchey acronym), Carrol Gardens (sorry Bottle, but kinda douchey), Sunset Park (perp douches), Brooklyn Heights (rich douches).

Occupy Wall Street: A Disgrace To Real Hippies Everywhere

Some of us at PTU got into a vigorous debate today about the merits of the "Occupy Wall Street" protest. While most of PTU probably agrees with the majority of what I'm about to write, I'll be fair and say that Bottle vehemently disagrees.


Take a look at the image above that this group has on their own Facebook page and it highlights the main problem with this movement: they have no actual idea what their goals are. The only goal seems to be to complain about every liberal issue all at once while sleeping in the street without showering. Of course there are problems with corporate domination of American politics along with lots of other important issues, but these people aren't going to accomplish anything the way they are going about this.


Unfortunately our generation has turned into a bunch of whiners who like to blame everything on someone else. How can someone living in the U.S. possibly compare the challenges and oppression they face to someone living under a dictatorship in the Middle East? How does anyone who contributes anything meaningful to society have time to spend a month sleeping in a park and protesting every random issue known to man? Sure life isn't fair, but unfortunately the new norm is to sit around and blame everyone else for your problems instead of putting in some good old fashioned hard work to better yourself and achieve real change.


The hypocrisy is also rife among this group. Probably the best quote I've seen that sums this up comes (surprisingly) from the usually left leaning NYTimes:

"One day, a trader on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, Adam Sarzen, a decade or so older than many of the protesters, came to Zuccotti Park seemingly just to shake his head. “Look at these kids, sitting here with their Apple computers,” he said. “Apple, one of the biggest monopolies in the world. It trades at $400 a share. Do they even know that?".


Now, let me say that I think many of the issues that some of these "protesters" want to raise are quite valid. We do need to make sure we are enough of a civilized nation that we don't let people die from a tooth infection because they don't have insurance. We have to think logically and objectively about how our actions contribute to and modify the natural climate change that occurs over time. Unfortunately it seems like many lazy wannabe hippies are taking advantage of these problems to have an "experience". Someone should tell them that is what Burning Man is for, real problems need to be solved by real leaders with clear goals and objectives.


This gets me to my final point, which is that these people can learn something from keeping it real hippies back in the day. They were able to set clear goals and contribute to meaningful outcomes such as the signing of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the withdrawal of American troops from Vietnam. These modern day hipsters should take a lesson from the keeping it real hippies and actually get something done instead of blogging to their friends back in Kansas about the cool experience they had protesting nothing. Anything else is a disgrace to the original hippies they idolize. 

Manhattan Mini Storage Ads Reviewed

If you've had the privilege of taking the subway in New York city over the past 8 or 9 years then you're probably familiar with a particular storage company even though you've never stored a damn thing in one of their units. Manhattan Mini Storage has cornered the market on sometimes funny, often political, always everywhere subway ads. Even if you don't know exactly what they're selling, those familiar ads have burrowed their way into your subconscious. The BIG BLOCK LETTERS and an abstract picture of something related to whatever the theme of the ad is, and that now familiar logo alongside the 29$, free move. What truly sets MMS apart from other local ads on the trains and through out the city is the willingness to push their political agenda whenever they can. I'm pretty liberal (I guess) and I find most of these kind of annoying. While most companies try to stay as bipartisan as possible in order to not alienate any potential customers, MMS knows they can get away with it in liberal Manhattan, while at the same time portraying a hip, edgy quality. Let's take a look at a handful of the more memorable ads to grace the N train and piss off your conservative friends and family.


Probably the most striking of the MMS ads, this particular one wasn't confined to the iron horse, but was actually a giant billboard overlooking the West Side of Manhattan. Again, these guys really don't give a fuck about normal marketing strategies. Advertising 101 would tell you: "Illegal abortion involving coat hangers is not an image that will help sell your product" (unless you were selling illegal abortions I guess). It is a clever visual joke (the coat hanger works doubly for the closet space reference and the abortion thing) but on the annoyingly liberal meter this one still scores extremely high.

5 rusty coat hangers out of 5



Some of these seem like relics from an ancient civilization where government bashing was the norm for snarky hip types. This particular ad was pretty lame. For one thing, the opposite of narrow isn't liberal, and they're mixing metaphors like a motherfucker here.The I heart Halliburton button is also annoying. If you didn't understand who Cheney meant, then you probably won't get the allusion to that. One of the worst ads in the collection, as he was one of the worst Vice Presidents of all time (see what I did there?)

2 out of 5 Water Boarders




Another tenuous analogy involving the Bush administration and how shitty your closet space is. Not very creative, but as annoying to a conservative New Yorker as Rachel Maddow. The manila folder with "war secrets" is a nice douchey touch.

1 Michael Moore baseball cap out of 5



This one's very recent and topical. You may have heard that the gay types had wanted to get hitched but some fuddy duddies in Washington wanted to rain on their gay parades. This ad is kinda straightforward but not as controversial as some of the others. It conveys the message that I think most people agree with these days: Why is it anyone's business if someone wants to marry a dude? Gay marriage doesn't affect you. These are the new school MMS ads that shun the message related image in the background for plain block yellow letters over a blue background, so no two guys on a wedding cake or anything to really hammer home the point.

4 out of 5 Lady Gaga t-shirts



Another new school entry, this one's gotta hurt for any long suffering fan of New York's most shitted on team. Imagine the rage that something like this must inspire in the beleaguered Mets fan on his way home on the 7 train from another ugly loss against the Marlins or some other minor league team. The last thing you need is to be mocked by the subway advertisements that usually provide you with such joy and comfort. At least Dr Zizmore never makes fun of your crappy fashion sense.

3 out of 5 Ike Davis Bobblehead dolls.




And finally, maybe the least political of any of Manhattan Mini Storage's ad lineup, but the one that basically sums up their attitude. Nothing says obnoxious liberal hipster like a kickball trophy, except a joke about the kickball trophy falling on your baby. I'm no stranger to cruel humor, so the baby thing doesn't really bother me (yeah, I laugh at dead babies), but the kickball trophy really turns my stomach.

5 out of 5 vegan barbecue restaurants

1st Annual PTU Hater J Birthday Extravaganza

We talk a lot about athletes being heroes, but next Monday America will celebrate actual heroism, and commemorate the courage that so many of us lack. And it's also Memorial day. Of course, I'm speaking of Hater J's birthday. Since that other holiday is going on at the same time, the PTU forefathers honored this occasion a week early the only way we know how: with copious amounts of beer, football and omelets.

It all started at PTU favorite Hop Devil Grill, which most of the country remembers as the site of one of the most memorable moments in sports: M@d $cientist's record breaking taco eating. Having already shattered the former record for tacos devoured, M@d decided to tackle the second most revered mark in sporting history: Mimosas chugged. The exact number is unknown (the homeless guy we paid to keep count passed out from excitement around the 20s somewhere) but let's just say there may be a shortage of orange juice in the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

After breaking another long thought unbreakable record and polishing off our steak and eggs and Captain Lawrence Liquid Golds we all travelled to Hater J's birth place, the mythical town of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. As most anyone familiar with the tri-state area can tell you, Willy B. has gone from a "keeping it real" Brooklyn neighborhood, split (as so many NY neighborhoods are) between orthodox Jews and mostly Hispanic and Black residents to a hipster artist and yuppie playground. Hater J and many o.g. W'burg people can tell you the love/hate relationship this has created for them; on the one hand the neighborhood has lost most of it's character and many of those who were born there were priced out by condos and other yuppie signifiers, but on the other, crime is down and you can pretty much do anything you please in the street without fear of police harassment. For that reason, Williamsburg makes for a great Sunday afternoon to drink styrofoam cups of beer purchased at Turkey's Nest and walk the streets like you're in some lawless hipster Mad Max world. It's great.

So, styrofoam cups of Coors light in hand, the next phase of the Hater J birthday extravaganza was put into effect: the 1st annual PTU football game. A hush fell over the crowd of assorted amateur rock stars and photographers, Jewish children celebrating their birthdays, and old people sitting on benches as the two teams lined up for what would be an epic match-up of blogging goof balls. Bottle led the attack, firing darts to myself and the chugging king with Favre like precision. The teams battled back and forth before a bone-crunching, teeth shaking birthday boy block (I'm not sure if he or $cientist took more of the punishment) freed up Snoot for a ridiculous Devin Hester like kick off return touchdown. The Jews looked away from their balloon animals, the hipsters put down their American Spirits, and it seemed like this would be the play of the day. That is until, the M@d Mimosa Chugger turned back the clock, diving face first for a one handed, ham string pulling grab that would make Dwight Clark cry like a little girl. Snoot, Mr. D and the rest of the opposing team slunk to the sidelines in disbelief and the First Annual PTU Hater J birthday extravaganza came to a fittingly dramatic close. Oh, and we also ate pretzels.

Until next year, happy birthday Hater J.

Why I Hate Vegans

I saw about ten minutes of Scott Pilgrim v. the World the other night. I haven't seen this movie, but apparently Scott has to defeat all this girl's ex-boyfriends before they can go out or something like that. Anyway, one of the boyfriends is a vegan, and being a vegan gives him psychic powers. Ridiculous I know. One of the characters explains this simply, "[B]eing vegan just makes you better than most people."

This scene goes to be very amusing, but it reminded me of how much I hate vegans. I hate vegans because they think they're better than everybody. Vegans think they are better than everybody because they don't eat animal flesh (including fish) or products derived from animals. True (or ethical) vegans won't even use products made from the exploitation of animals. For instance, I played softball with a vegan who refused to borrow a glove to play in the in-field because they were made of leather. This same guy had to give up drinking beer for a bit because he found out many beers are filtered through fish parts (He ended up finding beers that didn't do this eventually).

Vegans seem to think they are morally better because they don't consume or use products derived from the killing or exploitation of animals. I think the idea that you diet makes you a morally better person is crazy and offensive, unless we're talking the Jeffery Dahmer cannibal diet. If you believe that, you are a douche. Don't get me wrong; eat like a vegan because you think it healthier or something. That's fine by me, but if you start spouting off some holier than thou crap, I want to supersize your face.

I also hate vegans because they act like they're cooler than non-vegans. I think this is related to the moral superiority thing, but it's also a function of the whole vegan culture. Vegans have to go to vegan restaurants, and vegan food stores, and use vegan cookbooks, and hang out with other vegans, because what non-vegan wants to eat vegan if they don't have to. Becoming vegan is like becoming joining a cult. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle, like being a, sigh, hipster. They're part of this select group and you're not, so they're cooler than you. That just pisses me off.

Finally, I hate veganism because I think it captures a very naive and perhaps a very dangerous worldview. It distorts what nature is and conjures up some hippie nonsense about a harmonious and peaceful natural world. Nature is cutthroat. It's dog eat dog. Man has carved out his place in the world, but nature is just waiting to reclaim what man's staked out for his own. If you ever saw Life After People on the History Channel, you'll get what I mean.

Sure, there are some hot vegans, but they're batshit crazy. It's not worth it. Stay away. Don't go near them. If a girl tells you that she's a vegan, politely ask for the check and get the hell out of there. In my opinion, vegans are worse than hipsters, worse than hippies, and worse than communists.

Bottle's Hip Neighborhood Spot Review

"The revolution gets considerably more noisy when Smith Street is covered in sand, the petanque tournament gets into full swing, and the national TV networks descend on this little stretch of French Independence revelry". Known for sponsoring the annual Bastille Day party, Bar Tabac is the most French place you'll find outside of Paris. Upon ordering food, the waiter-in-super-tight-pants made a point to wink at me (which I assume he does to every customer, right????). The food was mediocre and, as expected, the crowd was kinda hipsterish. Although I didn't pick up on the scent of any smelly Europeans, I did notice a bunch of flies around the restaurant. They have live music on certain nights and most weekends (check out the website for a sample of the music). I haven't been there on a Friday or Saturday night but I assume it looks something like this:



If intent on checking it out, your best bet is to probably just go for coffee and some live music. Make sure to wear tight pants and a scarf.

I give it 2 out of 4 hipster beards.