My Struggle to Root for The Brooklyn Nets

I've got a lot of hometown pride. As silly as it really is when you think about it to take pride in something you have no control over like being born in a certain borough, Brooklyn is my home and has been for my whole life with the exception of a couple years in college. So the news that a professional sports franchise is making their home in my borough should make me swell up with irrational feelings of pride. I love basketball and I love Brooklyn. Seems like a perfect match. I should have a Deron Williams (or whoever's on the team next season) fathead on my wall, and add the ugly B logo snapbacks to my wardrobe. Spread love it's the Brooklyn way! Except I'm just not feeling the excitement that the first team in BK in 55 years should be generating in me. This team is still the Nets.

I've spent my entire life either hating or laughing at the Nets, if not both at the same time. Imagine if you lived on a block with a kid for your whole life. He was a real pain in the ass, was a loser most of the time, and when he had some success he was tremendously obnoxious about it. You'd forget he existed until he'd pop up every once in a while and do something really annoying. Then, this guy decided to marry your sister. Now he's a part of your family. He shows up on all holidays and eats dinner at your house on Sundays. If someone insults him they're essentially insulting your family. That's how I feel about the Nets. They've forced themselves into my life now. I am indeed conflicted. If you did one of those infographics on my Facebook statuses, Brooklyn would appear about as often as "and" and "the". It's a big part of my identity. Like most Brooklyn people I talk endlessly about how great we used to be and how much I am annoyed by outsiders claiming our home as theirs. Now I'll be forced to hear "Brooklyn is having a terrible week" or "Brooklyn is on a hot streak" and I'm conflicted as to my feelings about that. When I hate on a team, I like to go all in. It's "Fuck Boston", "the Mets play in Flushing because they're shit", or "Miami fans are the lowest forms of human life". I can't say "Fuck Brooklyn". Not to mention I've already got an NBA team who just so happens to play in the same division and city, but if it were another franchise moving here (say the Kings who would fit right in in the county named for them) I could root for them as a second favorite, except for when they played each other. But I can't get the bad taste of the meadowlands out of my mouth. It tastes like crappy 12 dollar chicken fingers and swamp. How do you separate a team from the city they represent? I can safely hate the Celtics, and everything about them, but can I have the same hatred towards a team that plays only 15 minutes on the R train away from me? I can wish death on Pat Riley's greasy head down there in South Beach, but how could I hate the face of the Nets when he's my favorite rapper? Could I with good faith boo a team with Brooklyn on their chests, even if they still employ Kris Humphries? These are questions I'll be faced with this winter as Brooklyn is all over Sportscenter, the blogs, and social networks. I want to pull for them but I don't know if I can. Even if they somehow pull off a deal to get their own big 3, and are a decent team, they're still The Nets. I should be happy we've hit the big time. Then how come it feels like I'm going to be forced to hate my hometown? I'm excited for a team in Brooklyn, but why did it have to be this one?

"Bay Ridge Jersey Shore" Not Bay Ridge or Jersey Shore Enough

Brooklyn 11223 premiered last night and predictably it was a train wreck, but maybe not for the reasons we hoped for. Ever since it was first announced that there would be a reality show set in Bay Ridge, the outcry from long time Ridge residents and Blacky has been slightly more vociferous than that over the Trayvon Martin shooting. The chief complaints were "they're going to make us look like buffoons like Jersey Shore does" and even worse "that's not even our zip code!". After spending a few minutes attempting to find the Oxygen network though - and apparently it doesn't even have an HD feed on Fios - I can tell you it's much worse than Jersey Shore. And not in a "train wreck you can't look away from" kind of good way.

The first thing you notice about Brooklyn 11223 is that the production values are really, really bad. Like bargain basement cheap. If MTV is like McDonalds for your brain - you know it's bad for you but it's still ok when you're half drunk at 2 am - then this show was the ham and cheese sandwich in a bag they serve to homeless people, criminals waiting for their appearance before the judge in central booking and New York city public high school students. I have no experience making television shows but I'm fairly certain Bottle and I could make a superior product on my iphone video camera. Jersey Shore at least looks like it's relatively cheaply made yet has competent people working on it. And while Jersey Shore is full of semi attractive people acting foolish, this show features some of the uglier, obese residents of Bay Ridge acting childish and not in a funny way. The entire series revolves around one incident that may have happened years ago (one of the girls might have slept with one of the other girls boyfriends) that would usually be one of many annoying plot points on another more interesting reality show, but instead is the focus of the show. Besides what looks like a huge brawl at Bay Ridge bar Bullshots (and the cameos of local bars and folk hero Bay Ridge Yeti dancing were the ONLY high points of the show), there doesn't seem much worth watching here.

So relax people of Bay Ridge. Yes, Brooklyn 11223 is not an entirely accurate portrayal of your sacred neighborhood, although there are definitely a good number of people living there who resemble the cast (don't believe me, just go to Salty Dog on a Friday night). And no, that's not the correct zip code. The producers have said that the show takes place all over Brooklyn, but other than a quick fight on a Coney Island beach and some scenes in a Coney Island auto shop where some of the cast works, the show is mostly set in Bay Ridge. But you shouldn't have to deal with this show for long, and I wouldn't worry about your hometown becoming synonymous with drunken, Italian stereotypes (well, anymore than it already is). This show is terrible in a way that I believe won't lead to a nationwide craze, like the millions who love the pathetic yet lovable Guido antics of Snookie and the Situation. It's just a shitty show that will lead to a quick cancellation. America might love shit, but at least we have the good taste to recognize when it's packaged nicely.

Women of Brooklyn, Don't Hide Your Butts

There's been a rash of disturbing sexual assaults in Brooklyn over the past few months involving tiny Mexican men jumping out at young women and groping them. It began in Bay Ridge and Sunset Park earlier this summer and continued throughout the southern end of Brooklyn in Park Slope. Most of these attacks have fit the same pattern: a short, Latino man with dark hair in his 30s (and is it any wonder that the search up until this morning has mostly turned up nothing? That description fits every Mexican in New York city) follows a girl in her 20s or 30s (or late teens) from a train station and either grabs their ass or breasts or engages in some other type of pervishness. From what I understand, this guy (or guys) is not out to actually rape any of these girls but gets off on the sick, cheap thrill of grabbing and running. If not, then they are really, really bad at rape. They don't get past first base before the victim hits them over the head with her purse and they scurry off into the night to plot their next attack or their early morning shift making salads at Pax. In no way am I trying to belittle these poor girls who have been attacked though. These assholes are the lowest form of scumbag, well, maybe not the lowest but they're pretty skeevey. Some controversy has arisen over how women should combat these attacks though. Recent urgings by the authorities of women to cover their butts have been met (understandably) with resistance and scorn by women's groups and most people I've talked to. The ol' "she was asking for it" defense doesn't fly today, and it's true that women shouldn't have to worry about their mini skirt from Forever 21 setting off sick impulses in South American men they pass on the R train. I don't agree with the slut walks, which seem to think that it's a woman's right to literally dress like a prostitute and basically act like a whore (that's pronounced who-uh) and seem to mostly be made up of chubby girls in their underwear, but I do think that telling a girl she shouldn't dress in a certain way because it will attract gropers is wrong. If girls have to stop wearing skirts because a handful of dirtbags can't keep their paws to themselves then the terrorists have won. Or at least the Mexicans have.

PTU Douchiest Neighborhoods in Brooklyn Power Rankings

L magazine, that pocket sized authority on all things hip and pretentious, recently ran their feature on the Brooklyn Neighborhood power rankings. I quickly glanced at it, so I'm not sure what their ranking system was. As opposed to New York magazine (which is also hip and pretentious but at least journalistically thorough) who had a complicated metric system to break down the order of their neighborhood rankings, L seems to just have ranked these in descending order from "where most of their art school classmates are moving" to "where most of their art school classmates are moving out of" to finally "where no one they would be caught dead speaking to would step foot in" aka Brownsville. Taking our inspiration from them, PTU proudly presents the Douchiest Neighborhoods in Brooklyn Power Rankings.

5. Park Slope

Park Slope held down the distinction as the first BK neighborhood to really make it for many years. By make it, I mean make it insufferable for normal Brooklynites to walk through without feeling like they've been transported to a land of yuppie couples, faux bohemian types (fauxhemian?) and of course, strollers. It's kind of a cliche now to make fun of Park Slope's stroller infestation (it's been parodied on at least 2 HBO comedies) but it doesn't make it any less true and annoying for us single bozos who hate children.

4. Bay Ridge

Sorry, Bay Ridge. We here at PTU have kind of a love hate relationship with you (M@d $cientist, you may want to skip ahead). You're still the most affordable safe neighborhood in Brooklyn, and you still provide so many memories for all of us. But you also are home to at least 3 active terror cells and some of the most douchiest fuck sticks this side of the Jersey Shore. Which is worse: the degenerate Arabs who wish they were Puerto Rican and while away their years on this Earth by hanging out in front of car services and McDonalds, hoping to one day grow up to be the next home-grown Jihadist just like their dirtbag parents or the spray tanned asshole with the Pauly D haircut and the Ed Hardy wardrobe that works out 9 times a week to stand around in Salty Dog and score blowjobs from Guidette nursing students? It's a toss-up for sure.

3. Bushwick

Bushwick was always regarded as one of those neighborhoods that you didn't want to wander through at any time, both for the local gang bangers or the Hasidic population. But over the past few years, those reviled hipsters have invaded East Williamsburg, bringing with them higher rents that their disappointed fathers will pay and the kind of "cool" buzz that gives unemployed organic smoothie makers a hard on in their skinny jeans. Bushwick Bill must be so ashamed.

2. Vinegar Hill

I'm not sure where this is, but it's called Vinegar Hill.

1. Williamsburg

That's right, the reigning champion of douchery, the Muhammad Ali of entitled hipsters, and the biggest reason that Brooklyn style is now considered to be something that looks like this: Williamsburg (or the even douchier nickname Billy Burg). With apologies to Hater J, who lived there pre-hippie takeover, Williamsburg has a couple things going for it; decent bars and restaurants, proximity to Manhattan. But it all pales in comparison to the extreme douche baggery that is on display every day in W'burg. Porkpie hat wearing pussies debating the works of Proust over PBR's and Hasidic Jews double parking make for one of the more annoying experiences you can have in New York. There once was a time that Brooklyn wasn't known for layabout artists and other similar morons, but now you can't separate the two. Brooklyn is hipster douches and there's nothing you can do about it besides write snarky, hate filled blog posts. 2 Broke Girls looks really annoying, too.

Honorable mention:
DUMBO (douchey acronym), Carrol Gardens (sorry Bottle, but kinda douchey), Sunset Park (perp douches), Brooklyn Heights (rich douches).

The Neighborhood Bar: We Love to Hate You

There's a bar in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn that is PTU's favorite bar. Maybe I won't go as far as saying it's our favorite, but most of us are there more than any other place in the world save for our own apartments (and even that is close).

It's nobody's favorite bar, I don't think, but somehow we end up there at least 3 times a week (work and family schedules allowing). It's not that the food is great (it's mediocre) or the crowd is so great (it's pretty terrible), but we can't resist parking our asses down on one of the stools or benches yet again and ask ourselves "Why are we here?". Not in a philosophical or existensial way, but literally why are we sitting in this bar again? It's New York City, there must be tons of bars that have the combination of vibrant crowd, delicious food and top notch beer selection that this bar lacks. I'm always hearing from other people who have more exciting lives than I do, about these magical bars that exist outside of the 3 block radius surrounding my apartment and The Slob Den. These supposed bars that the others go to serve an assortment of food that isn't named after streets in Bay Ridge and there are sometimes women at these establishments. These people take photos (most likely doctored. Technology these days) smiling alongside their reveling friends, drinks in hand, and carefree looks across their faces. No one has smiled in this bar in nearly 5 years (and that grinning clown was quickly shown the door). The people at these other bars dance to cool music supplied by hip, coke addicted d.j.'s. The soundtrack to this bar is a collective under breath murmur about the negative effects of legalized gay marriage and shrinking police pensions only slightly drowned out by Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits and Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" (that song gets played everywhere). Sometimes there's live music sung by a 42 year old drifter who sings Pearl Jam in a perfect Eddie Vedder voice and the Beatles in a perfect Eddie Vedder voice when he's not insulting the chinese man selling bootleg copies of X-Men First Class. The smiling people enjoy the finest cuisine at these other bars. Cutting edge fusion type stuff; sushi sliders or cotton candy ice cream sandwiches. The neighborhood bar serves burgers named after the surrounding streets and Calamari that tastes like rubber. Those other bars have every beer you could imagine on tap, as well as hundreds of others you never knew existed. This bar has a beer of the month that's 50 cents cheaper than the usual price and is usually something you never heard of, but after drinking it, wish you hadn't.

Yes, this bar has nothing that you'd want out of your local drinking establishment. It's across the street though (it's name rhymes with Jello Crook). Come by any day this week or next and say hello to PTU. We'll be there.

What The Hell's Going On At Fort Hamilton?

Something crazy is happening on Shore Road. For the second time in the past month, New York High School football powerhouse (and Alma mater of about half of PTU) Fort Hamilton High School is in the news for the wrong reasons.

Bottle's Hip Neighborhood Spot Review

"The revolution gets considerably more noisy when Smith Street is covered in sand, the petanque tournament gets into full swing, and the national TV networks descend on this little stretch of French Independence revelry". Known for sponsoring the annual Bastille Day party, Bar Tabac is the most French place you'll find outside of Paris. Upon ordering food, the waiter-in-super-tight-pants made a point to wink at me (which I assume he does to every customer, right????). The food was mediocre and, as expected, the crowd was kinda hipsterish. Although I didn't pick up on the scent of any smelly Europeans, I did notice a bunch of flies around the restaurant. They have live music on certain nights and most weekends (check out the website for a sample of the music). I haven't been there on a Friday or Saturday night but I assume it looks something like this:



If intent on checking it out, your best bet is to probably just go for coffee and some live music. Make sure to wear tight pants and a scarf.

I give it 2 out of 4 hipster beards.

A Redneck Grows In Brooklyn

Had to comment on the recent announcement that Ted Nugent reclaimed his long lost son who is living in Brooklyn. The reclaimed son is named Ted Mann and he happens to be a chef in Bay Ridge who runs Cubana Social and some other unnamed local spots.

Ted is already talking about how is he beating the liberal out of his newly found son. Nugent explained it was his strong conservative values that led him to knock up his teenage girlfriend and drop his son off in a basket at Victory Memorial.

The New Once Upon A Sundae?

The Neighborhood diner is slowly becoming extinct in New York city as many of its' iconic diners have been permanently shutting down lately (especially in Manhattan). Luckily, Bay Ridge is immune to urban progress. Bay Ridge is not hip enough for the hipsters, yet no one would ever consider it "ghetto" (as least not yet). Even as cupcake shops and art galleries are popping up in some of the most notoriously slummy areas of New York, and much of the rest of New York has become kind of boring, certain parts of Bay Ridge (most of 5th Ave. looks like Fallujah) have maintained it's uncool, same old same old identity.

One of the best examples of this is Anapoli Ice Cream Parlor on Third Avenue, a throwback to old-school neighborhood establishments like Snoot's childhood favorite, Once Upon a Sundae. Walk in this family owned business any day of the week, and you can get a Cheese Burger Deluxe (with 2 or 3 onion rings tossed in with the fries) and a milkshake for under 10 dollars (milkshake is way better than the over rated Hinsch's, which looks like a nursing home) as well as catch up on all the neighborhood gossip. Last time I was in there, some guy sitting at the counter who I never met before told me way more than I ever wanted to know about the neighborhood's history. Can't be too mad though, at least there's a history to speak about.

Stupid Hipsters Get Tickets For Drinking Beer at "Art Gallery" in Bushwick

Cops bust Bushwick art space … for beer at opening!

A recent article in the Brooklyn Paper featured a story about whiny hipsters complaining about getting tickets for drinking beer in their "Art Space". Usually I don't like stories about police busting balls over people having a beer, but if you look at the picture you'll see why this is entertaining (always make sure you wear a wool hat or hood when indoors).

Here is to you NYPD, good job!

UPDATE: Bottle, this one is for you...pure ART!

A message from Charles Bronson

In the wake of the recent attacks in Bay Ridge a message from Charles Bronson:

"Ok dirtbags, I've heard about what's going on in Bay Ridge lately. You crap burgers attacking poor defenseless young dames. You slime buckets think your tough guys now huh? I'm coming for you, scum bags. If the police don't defense us maybe it's up to people like us to defense ourselves. Time to take out the trash. You've been warned,
punks".

Thanks, Chuck!

R.I.P. Duke Snider

Duke Snider, one of the best players on the 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers World Series Championship team, died this morning. Even though his greatness in center field was overshadowed by Mays and Mantle at the time, Snider was elected to the hall of fame and helped bring Brooklyn it's only professional sports championship of any kind. PTU salutes ya, Duke.

PTU salutes Chris Mullin

The basketball Hall of Fame finalists were announced today and while there were some surprise omissions one of the names made all of us at PTU happy. Brooklyn's own Chris Mullin. Born in the Flatlands, Mullin eventually played for Xaverian high school and St. Johns. A true New York guy, every time I hear him speak as an analyst for ESPN it reminds me of how rare it is to hear an athlete with an authentic Brooklyn accent. Despite a terrible case of white man's disease (at 6'7'' I'm not sure I ever saw him dunk) Mullin played 15 very productive years in the league and was a part of the mythical orginal Dream Team. He is also the only former NBA player who looks like he should be bartending at Kettle Black.

Chris Mullin, PTU salutes you. Here's hoping you represent Brooklyn in the Hall of Fame soon.