Snootfest 2011 Recap: Wife Beaters and Meatballs

This past Saturday was another glorious day in PTU history: the second annual Snootfest cookout. Last year's Snootfest was epic in it's own way, and it was a Herculean task to try to outdo it, but Snoot and his cronies were up to the task. Despite a crippling daytime temperature of about 110 degrees in the shade, there was an expectant tension in the air for what was to come: Would Hater J and Blacky peacefully coexist? Would M@d $cientist do his famed Pitbull dance? Would Johnny Bagels run out of cigarettes? To say there was excitement in the air would be an understatement.

The day began innocently enough; a couple rounds of that classic Italian old man sport, Bocci ball. Team Asia (Mr. D and Bagels) used their mathematical brains to compensate for their extreme race disadvantage enough to put up a good fight, but in the end, home field advantage and the promise of grilled sausage pushed the contest into the Italian host with the magic kaboose's favor. This led to the excitement of the Puerto Rican's arrival (naturally 2 hours after everyone else got there) and Hater J's magic punch was soon dished out in one of Mrs. Snoot's oversized punch bowls. A mixture of E&J, orange juice, Rum, apples and bravery that appears sweet at first but will eventually knock you over on your blancito ass (like most Puerto Rican women). Before long, dinner was served, and it was what you expect to eat at the typical suburban barbecue on a record setting scorching hot summer day: baked ziti, sausage and peppers and home-made meatballs. Mange!

After stuffing our sun beaten faces with the best that Palermo has to offer, it was time to relive our college years the best way we know how, epic flip cup and beer pong matches ensued until we all forgot how old we were (and some of us may have forgotten our first names). At this point, there was more wife beaters to be seen than in a divorce court, and the Hennessy and Jameson was flowing.By the time the first spades hand was dealt and Wu-Tang was blasting from the tinny speakers of Snoot's ihome, you would think it was a welcome home party for convicts released from San Quentin, if it wasn't for the keg of Yueng Ling that was still filling the plastic red cups.

As the night wound down, it culminated as these parties always do: an EPIC 20 person flip cup match. Mr. D showed his hall of fame talent, landing 15 straight first try flips, as DJ Bagels kept the hits coming. It was another classic PTU evening, one that will only be surpassed by next year's promised Slip n Slide and Bose speakers. You've been warned, Bellmore.

The Neighborhood Bar: We Love to Hate You

There's a bar in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn that is PTU's favorite bar. Maybe I won't go as far as saying it's our favorite, but most of us are there more than any other place in the world save for our own apartments (and even that is close).

It's nobody's favorite bar, I don't think, but somehow we end up there at least 3 times a week (work and family schedules allowing). It's not that the food is great (it's mediocre) or the crowd is so great (it's pretty terrible), but we can't resist parking our asses down on one of the stools or benches yet again and ask ourselves "Why are we here?". Not in a philosophical or existensial way, but literally why are we sitting in this bar again? It's New York City, there must be tons of bars that have the combination of vibrant crowd, delicious food and top notch beer selection that this bar lacks. I'm always hearing from other people who have more exciting lives than I do, about these magical bars that exist outside of the 3 block radius surrounding my apartment and The Slob Den. These supposed bars that the others go to serve an assortment of food that isn't named after streets in Bay Ridge and there are sometimes women at these establishments. These people take photos (most likely doctored. Technology these days) smiling alongside their reveling friends, drinks in hand, and carefree looks across their faces. No one has smiled in this bar in nearly 5 years (and that grinning clown was quickly shown the door). The people at these other bars dance to cool music supplied by hip, coke addicted d.j.'s. The soundtrack to this bar is a collective under breath murmur about the negative effects of legalized gay marriage and shrinking police pensions only slightly drowned out by Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits and Cee-Lo's "Fuck You" (that song gets played everywhere). Sometimes there's live music sung by a 42 year old drifter who sings Pearl Jam in a perfect Eddie Vedder voice and the Beatles in a perfect Eddie Vedder voice when he's not insulting the chinese man selling bootleg copies of X-Men First Class. The smiling people enjoy the finest cuisine at these other bars. Cutting edge fusion type stuff; sushi sliders or cotton candy ice cream sandwiches. The neighborhood bar serves burgers named after the surrounding streets and Calamari that tastes like rubber. Those other bars have every beer you could imagine on tap, as well as hundreds of others you never knew existed. This bar has a beer of the month that's 50 cents cheaper than the usual price and is usually something you never heard of, but after drinking it, wish you hadn't.

Yes, this bar has nothing that you'd want out of your local drinking establishment. It's across the street though (it's name rhymes with Jello Crook). Come by any day this week or next and say hello to PTU. We'll be there.

Pittsburgh Police Try To Tase Some Sense Into Fan

The other night an unruly Pirates fan was tasered by police in Pittsburgh for 'using excessive foul language and disrupting others enjoyment of the game'. There are so many jokes here I don't even know where to begin. First of all the victim is wearing what looks like a Dream Team Jacket (circa 1992) or possibly a Starter Jacket. Can we really say that anyone enjoys living in Pittsburgh or would enjoy going to a Pirates game? They haven't been worth watching since Andy Van Slyke was roaming centerfield and Barry Bonds had the head size of a normal human being.

I give props to this guy. We don't really know what he actually did since the video starts too late but he sure can take shots from the cops. He barely seems to notice that he is getting whacked by clubs. The Pirates have a tough enough time getting people to come to the stadium as it is. The last thing they need is for the police to beat the sense into the few remaining fans.

This is the second incident this season after Dodger fans beat a Giant fan in the parking lot after the game on opening day. I read that the guy in the latest incident was very drunk, which make sense when you see the video. This begs the question.....Should stadiums put tighter limits on drinking at games? I, for one, completely disagree. These people that are drunk and cause problems are the small minority and they should not ruin it for everyone else that wants to drink. There should be tougher penalties by law enforcement for people who become violent at games. Or maybe beer companies should lower the alcohol content (even more than they already do) on the beer they sell at stadiums. What do you think?

PTU Snooty Beer of the Week: Inaugural Edition

For the inaugural edition of Snooty beer of the week I'm going with one of my all time favorites, Three Philosophers from Ommegang. Keep in mind that for this PTU award, the beer should fall into a snooty category, so we will leave out some beers that might do well in a "keeping it real" beer category.

When I first graduated from drinking Labatt Ice during college, Ommegang was one of the first breweries that got my attention with some great snooty Belgian style beers. I believe the first time I came across this beer (and lots of others) was at this hole in the wall on Bleecker Street.

You can go to the Ommegang website here if you want to read all the technical brewing details, but here are the basics: It is basically a strong Belgian style ale mixed with some cherry lambic for a little sweetness. It will also knock you on your ass while you are drinking  it due to it's 9.8% ABV content. If you really want to step it up, this beer is also available in a limited edition cave aged edition as well. If you like beer with flavor but a little bit of sweetness to counter the bitterness (and also like to get drunk), this beer is for you.

Miguel Cabrera: Keeping It Real Update

Numerous news outlets are reporting that there is more to the Miguel Cabrera DUI story then just getting drunk. According to reports, Miguel walked into Cowboys Bar-B-Q & Steak Co and went crazy

"You don’t know me,” Cabrera told the bar’s manager. “I will kill you. I know all of you, and I will kill all of you and blow this place up.”


Here is to Cabrera stepping it up in the race to keep it real, I think he might get into the PTU Keeping It Real Hall of Fame on the first ballot now. 

Stupid Hipsters Get Tickets For Drinking Beer at "Art Gallery" in Bushwick

Cops bust Bushwick art space … for beer at opening!

A recent article in the Brooklyn Paper featured a story about whiny hipsters complaining about getting tickets for drinking beer in their "Art Space". Usually I don't like stories about police busting balls over people having a beer, but if you look at the picture you'll see why this is entertaining (always make sure you wear a wool hat or hood when indoors).

Here is to you NYPD, good job!

UPDATE: Bottle, this one is for you...pure ART!

Best Sports to Play Drunk

I went bowling for the first time in probably 10 years the other night and wouldn't you know it, I had a great time. The game itself is nothing special but the best part about it is without a doubt the fact that you can get really plastered and still enjoy it. In fact, it's encouraged. It's great.

So, what are the top 5 best sports to play while twasted and what should you stay sober to enjoy? (Of course, alcohol is required to enjoy WATCHING all sports).

Top 5 Best sports to play while drinking

1. Bowling
As I said, I had a blast. There's barely any movement involved here except getting your fat drunk ass up every 5 minutes and throwing a ball at pins. Also the best sport to eat buffalo wings while playing

2. Golf
Sure, golf requires eye-hand coordination and other annoying things that don't come as easy when you're drunk. But there's a hell of a lot of standing around. Also, best sport to smoke cigarettes while playing.

3. Foosball
This is a sport right?

4. Volley Ball
Especially on a beach,alcohol is a must to have fun playing this

5. Touch Football
Beer makes you unstoppable in the open field

Top 5 worst sports to play while drinking

1. Tackle Football
Or just hit someone in the stomach while their gut is full of beer

2. Full court Basketball
After Bottle's College Graduation party and about 5 or 6 pitchers of Coors Light, one of the guys we were playing against said "you guys smell like a brewery". I guess he meant it as a bad thing

3. Ice Hockey
See number 1

4. Marathon running
I've never tried this but I've seen how many people vomit when they run marathons sober. After reading this, I'm sure it's not a good idea

5. Archery