Can Knicks Fans Leave The Knicks and Become Nets Fans?

No.

Who Wins a Fight Between Drake and Chris Brown?

Recently, M@d $cientist posted about fights he would like to see including a bear and a shark in outer space. Meanwhile, in reality, there has been a serious beef brewing between two of the most hated (and loved) guys in hip hop. Everyone's favorite Canadian Jew rapper Drake has recently been Twitter tussling with everyone's favorite woman beating punk Chris Brown, and it's recently erupted into bottle throwing cat fighting. All this reportedly over Rhianna, who every day seems to fall faster into cracked out Linsday Lohan territory . I'll admit the alleged first shot that is Drake's "I'm still fucking Rhianna" note is extremely badass but that doesn't take away from the fact that neither of these guys will probably ever have an actual fight. Who would win if these two were to ever let their entourages take a day off and really shoot a fair one? Let's break it down.

Both of these guys main strength is the ability to be simultaneously misognystic and loved by women at the same time. Drake's recently had lyrics like "she could have a grammy, I'll still treat her ass like a nominee" and Chris Brown punches women in the face. This ability doesn't really translate to street fighting though. Still, Drake has seemingly never been in a fight in his life (unless he got into at the craft service table on the set of Degrassi) and we KNOW CB can throw a punch. Also, Brown stands nearly 6-4 and is very athletic. Drake played a basketball player on Nickelodeon, but by all accounts is as athletic as every other Jewish Canadian. That is, not very. This isn't to say that Chris Brown would mop the floor with Wheelchair Jimmy. On the contrary, I think this would be a fairly even fight with neither participant landing many blows, and some occasional wrestling on the ground. In the end, Chris Brown wins an ugly, feminine fight. This will never happen because their vast entourages, agents, label heads, and hanger ons will ensure that these two are never in the same room again, close enough to scratch each other's eyes out. And even if they were, as tough as they talk on twitter, both of these douche bags would most likely prefer to say they're sorry, curl up with the latest sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, and have a cup of green tea than actually fight. I'd still rather see the shark and the bear.

I don't Trust Any Man who Doesn't Eat Meat

There are only a few simple pleasures in this life that can divert us from the drudgery of our mundane existences on earth. One is women, one is sports, and the other is a nice, juicy steak. Yes, there's nothing that makes you feel more like a man than a slab of red meat and an aged scotch (if you're snooty like some of us at PTU). With the news that many of New York's finest steak houses are now charging the formerly taboo price of 50 bucks for a steak, as well as the ever present studies linking early death to red meat feeling manly is becoming ever more expensive and risky. But if you're one of those guys who doesn't eat red meat, you don't care. You're also barely a man.

Now I'm not saying that all men who refrain from digesting animals are less than a man. If you do so for dietary reasons, like you have already had a triple bypass surgery and now must eat boiled potatoes or your heart will explode, by all means say no to a ribeye at Lugers. But if you're a vegetarian or vegan for any other reason, such as you don't eat anything with a face or you find the treatment of animals appalling, go kill yourself. Lost one time PTU correspondent Blackie once wrote a pretty boring piece about how much he hated vegans, but even if he no longer exists to us, he had a point. Those preachy bastards place right below people who work at Cross fit and republican women as the most annoying beings in the universe. I love to eat things with faces. Everything I eat has a face. Even when I eat vegetables I draw faces on them, before I devour them. If you feel that badly for a cow, you should just stop living your life as a man. Have a steak, you twat.

Derek Fisher is an Asshole and Other Insights on the Lockout

Fuck Derek Fisher. Fuck him good. I'm not going to get into a philosophical argument on the merits of the NBA economic system, and how ridiculously unfair it may or may not be. All I know is the NBA season is just about cancelled. Nobody really cares, outside of myself and a handful of other people in this country, but it's looking like there will be no NBA season this year all because one group of millionaires can't agree on exactly how they want to split up millions of dollars with another group of millionaires. And that sucks.

The Knicks were actually a half way decent team last year. Not great, but a million times better than the D-league team level embarrassment that was trotted out for the beginning of this century. There was a little bit of hope that maybe we'd have a fun team to watch for the next couple of years, or at least until Amare Stoudemire's knees exploded and Carmelo Anthony got tired of losing to the Heat. But now we won't get to see the Knicks or any NBA team run around in shorts this year. Your NBA season is gone, America. All because these dickheads are so detached from reality that they've deluded themselves into thinking that their lives are anything but the ideal life for anybody. If you could go back in time and find any of these assholes as they shot jumpshots outside their housing project buildings or dusty middle of fucking no where basketball hoops that they would one day be running around playing that game they love for millions of dollars, I don't think one of them would say "I just hope we're given our fair share of the BRI. It's only right". They would do the normal thing for a person who grew up in abject poverty. Jump at the chance to play a game AS A CAREER. I think most people would play in the NBA FOR FREE. The tradeoff for being that one in a million lucky son of a bitch that gets to play professional sports is you keep your mouth shut and do as you're told. This isn't about what's right and wrong and fair or unfair. You're an NBA player. Be grateful, fucko. So Fuck Derek Fisher, Fuck Billy Hunter, Fuck the army of money hungry agents who would trade their grandmother for a bigger percentage of jersey profits. Fuck David Stern and the rest of his army of snake owners. Fuck those idiot players who stand behind Derek Fisher after every 28 hour negotiating session, the cavalcade of scrubs like Mo Evans, Etan Thomas and Rasual Butler. Fuck the Red Rocket, Matt Bonner and his red hair and awkward jump shot. Fuck all of you, assholes. May the NBA ban all of you for life and force you to do something else with your life, you ungrateful wastes of athletic ability and God given talent. Eat a dick.