America F%$& Yeah!

I wrote yesterday that I understand how silly it is to feel pride in something you have no control over yourself, like being born in Brooklyn, and that could also apply to other random forms of pride. Just like being proud of being Italian, or Chinese or, especially, being a patriotic American. The majority of people who are flag waving, love it or leave it, Republican voting patriots have no real right to be that way. They just got lucky enough to have their mother give birth to them within the U.S. borders. They (and this group includes myself) didn't have to work especially hard to stay Americans. You'd have to work harder to not be an American,in fact, seeing as how it is much more difficult to get up and go somewhere than it is to just stay where you are. This is a scientifically proven fact. And let's face it, for most people, being an American is really God damn easy. The ironic thing is the people who should really be blindly patriotic are the ones who that aforementioned group of REAL AMERICANS want to keep out, the immigrants. It makes more sense that you would feel a true sense of pride in actually doing something, like working really hard to get into another country and starting a new life there. If you risked everything just to have a new place to keep your stuff (as George Carlin would say) then you should really be like "FUCK yes, I'm an American! Kiss my ass, other countries!". But the weird thing about patriotism as well as any type of civic pride (such as being a proud Brooklynite like myself) is that most people believe the opposite: unless you were born here you're not truly an American/Brooklynite/whatever. It's not where you're at, it's where you're from. Being an "American" or whatever other country you represent is more about identity and searching for a sense of community than anything rational, and it's definitely not about remembering that we freed ourselves of the British. "Hey, we've been here long enough. Might as well feel something. And you've been here for a while too. Let's eat some wieners!"

That being said, I love the 4th of July and all that comes with it. Stuff your face full of barbecued meats, drink a ton of beer and set off some illegal firecrackers in your backyard. Take some pride in knowing that there's a few million other people doing the exact same thing. AMERICA!

Yes, Valentines Day is Dumb. Now STFU.

We all know Valentine's day is a pain in the ass for most people. If you're in a relationship it's a drain on the bank account and the one day that men have to do all the things that we thought we were done with a month into the relationship. And if you're single it's a reminder of how alone and incapable of love you are (or something). Blah blah blah. Everyone knows this, so just shut up about it and grin and bear it for one day of your miserable existence. If you're in a relationship, be grateful that someone can put up with your holiday hating ass for another 24 hours without stabbing you with a tuning fork, and if you're single (for Christ's sake) please stop bitching about how much you hate Valentine's day. Maybe the reason that you have no one to spend Valentine's day with is you are a whiny, drag to be with. You don't have to keep reminding people that it's "just another day" because if it were just another day then you wouldn't be telling people "it's just another day". When was the last time you walked into work on August 7th and said "it's just another day"? If you did, then you are a very odd person and that might also be a reason that you will not be sharing a creme brulee with anyone tonight. Valentine's day is kind of a cruel joke of a holiday, and is even worse if you just started dating someone recently. Does the relationship that just recently took the leap from occasional hook up to actual dinners require a gift? It's a tricky subject but in this day and age of no strings attached fuck buddies, it's more and more common to have a romanceless purely physical relationship with someone. So if you choose to enter such an arrangement where things will never escalate past emotionless banging, you can't be upset when you have no Ferrer Rocher chocolates coming your way in the middle of February. It's like the mafia: this is the life you chose, now you must deal with the repercussions. If you want the thrill of easy cash and no-show construction jobs, then you have to live with the threat of a bullet to the head or a possible RICO indictment every day. Same goes for Valentine's day. If you want the no commitment relations then you have to live with the annual girl's night out on February 14th.

So Valentine's day is here to stay. Deal with it. If you're in a relationship, have a nice meal out, leave the kids with grandma and go home and wake the neighbors with your aggressive love making. If you're single, go out with your other single friends and get wasted or watch some porn or whatever. Just don't bore us all with how much you hate it, because believe me, we all do.

Happy Valentine's day everyone!

Top 5 Thanksgiving Foods

Thanksgiving is a time of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, you have to deal with annoying relatives who you'd sooner spend a lifetime blocking from seeing your Facebook statuses than spend a dinner with, but there you are forced to make inane small talk about how you feel about your job for a good hour or so. Then, on the other hand, you have glorious food. Ah yes, thanksgiving food is about as good as it gets. I'm not sure if I love the stuff so much because it's only served once or twice a year or if it's just that gosh darn awesome. Either way, I feel like I could eat most of what's served on Thanksgiving every day for the rest of my life and would be content, even though that would mean I would never get my tryptophaned ass off the couch. What are the top 5?

5) Mashed Potatoes

The potato is one of those foods that's good in almost any form that it's prepared. Au gratin, baked, french fries, it's all fantastic. Mashed potatoes though, are a close second to baked potatoes as the very best type of potato (baked potatoes ability to be a vehicle for awesomeness like sour cream and bacon bits puts it over the top). Just make sure they're not too runny or chunky or you've fucked your whole holiday up.

4) Turkey with gravy

Turkey on its own is kind of a drag. It's dry and puts you to sleep while the Lions are still down by just one touchdown. But paired with gravy, it's delicious. Turkeys get so much attention around this time of year, but they're really nothing more than a vehicle for gravy. Stupid turkeys.

3) Pumpkin Pie

Apple pie might get all the love (the saying about being as American as, Jason Biggs banging it) but nothing beats a slice of pumpkin pie with some cool whip. It almost makes "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 100th time tolerable.

2) Cranberry Sauce

Some people don't like cranberry sauce. I don't understand those people since cranberry sauce is awesome. Whether sliced or in the sauce version with the little cranberries in it, it's one of the few times I don't mind sweet fruit (is cranberry a fruit?) mixed in with my meat.

1) Stuffing


Yup, stuffing. The shit that comes right out of the bird or the Stove Top kind. It doesn't matter what type of stuffing it is, that shit is crack. In the 90s there were these commercials that aired constantly that had a couple different premises: Some asshole would find a way to eat at his friends house because they were having Stove Top stuffing for dinner, and I guess their own mother was too stupid or had an alcohol problem and couldn't be bothered to provide her children with the stuffing they deserved. That mom was a real bitch. Another commercial involved two kids (one who was Hyde on That 70's Show) plotting to get their Stove Top fix. High five to stuffing! Stove Top also apparently came in a Pringles like can so you could feed your brood the stuffing they all love right out of the can. Just don't put any fruit or nuts in your stuffing, that's just gross.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Dr. Death dies on National Donut Day. Reaction: "How sad!"

 

Jack Kevorkian, dubbed “Dr. Death” by The Media, has died at the age of 83 after a blood clot from his leg broke free and got lodged in his heart (possibly from eating donuts). Dr. Kevorkian suffered from Hepatitis C and Diabetes (prossibly from eating donuts as well), and is known for his work with assisting the terminally ill commit suicide.

Jack Kevorkian, as some of you may know, is a Detroit native, where even the doctors think you’re better off dead. I say that with slight jest, I actually supported ole’ Kevorkian’s working philosophy (and even some of his Art). His Eastern European roots no doubt influenced his sardonic character and wit as it has many-a-Detroiter.

Without going too much into it, I believe he was wrongfully imprisoned in to 90s for his work in assisting The Terminally Ill take their lives. Government says that a man/woman has complete providence over their life except when they want to end it. To that I say,  "Nay!" If I have the right to live life to the fullest, I should also have a right to end it when I deem appropriate in the way I would like (as long as no physical harm comes to others as a result). I should have a right to all aspects of my life.
Note: I would like to die eating a donut while skydiving.

Considering that Dr. Jack passed on National Donut Day, the crowd here in Detroit is especially sad.


Reactions, on this, a sad day:
"They should bury him with the key to the city. He is an appropriate mascot for a dying city..." ~Blog Contributer

"I shall celebrate by eating a Donut." ~Anonymous

The bus driver that shuttles me through the ghetto every week said, "Child, you crazy!" As she bit into the free donut I gave her.

"I eat a Donut every morning before going to work. Now this?" exclaimed one Detroiter that amazingly still has a job.

"Donuts are the bomb." ~Coworker

"Dr. Kevorkian used to walk around Royal Oak (the Detroit equivalent of NYC's Williamsburg) Was he a hipster or just creepy? ~Royal Oak Party Girl

Consider this a Memorial to you, Dr. Jack.