Kobe Bryant achieved another milestone in his long, illustrious career last night, entering the 30,000 club, an exclusive group of one name guys like Michael, Wilt, Kareem and, uh, Karl (Mailman sounds better). Besides proving that guys whose names start with K are really good at scoring (watch out for Kris Humphries), the other bond that most of this group shares is Lakers purple and gold. 4 out of the top 5 scorers in NBA history at some point wore purple and gold (Malone had his one forgettable year chasing a ring but it still counts). This fact inevitably brings up the top 5 all time Laker discussions. Trying to pick a top 5 for a franchise that has arguably had more talent in their uniforms than Hooters is tough goings though. And since we love to argue almost as much as we love top 5 lists here at PTU, this is a prime opportunity for an argument about top 5 lists. Both franchises are literally embarrassments of riches. Both have dominated their respective leagues for decades, and both attract both front running fans and ardent haters in equal amounts. But what exactly makes a player a "great Yankee" or a "great Laker"? Can we call someone a "great blank" if they only played a few years for that team, or if they arrived as a player for hire out to get a ring? I say "yes" to both of those questions.
First off, let's get to the top 5s. For the Lakers, my top 5 in no particular order is Kobe, Magic, Kareem, Shaq and Jerry West. Getting narrowly edged out is Wilt, Elgin Baylor and George Mikan (sorry, guys). My Yankee top 5 would be Mantle, Gehrig, Ruth, Dimaggio and Jeter. My apologies to Whitey Ford, Yogi, Scooter, Mariano, and Reggie Jackson. I didn't include Mr. October but our own Hater J left him off his list due to the fact that he doesn't consider him a "true Yankee". But what makes one player a "true Yankee" or Laker and one not? The way I see it, if a player had his best years wearing your jersey, he can be classified as a great for your organization regardless if he forced a trade to somewhere else or arrived via free agency. Most Los Angelinos won't remember Shaq rapping about how his ass tastes (thankfully), or an aging Shaq struggling to dunk in Boston or Cleveland. They'll remember him catching the lob from Kobe in game 7 against Portland, or scoring 60 on his birthday against the Clippers, or absolutely dominating three straight Finals from 00-02. You can't leave Shaq off the list of top Lakers just because it's impossible to name 5 guys who had as dominant a 5 year span in purple and gold as he did. Unlike say Kevin Garnett, who came to the Celtics after his prime, or A-Rod who has won MVP's in pinstripes but has mostly been hated by Yankee fans, Shaq played his prime years for the Lakers and won three titles (winning MVP each year). He is as much a true Laker as there ever will be.
Kobe brought his wife Vanessa - once a skanky rap video model - from rags to riches, complete with a boob job, plenty of plastic surgery, and even an automatic Lambo (which he got specially made). Then, while in Colorado having knee surgery, he was accused of attempted rape by a 19 year old hotel worker. He eventually settled the case (by spending tons of $$$) and smoothed things over with his wife (even more $$). Who knew creeping could be so expensive?
Marv's victim - a former lover - accused him of biting her several times on her back while he wore a wig and panties. They eventually settled the case, but not before Marv temporarily lost his job and became the laughing stock of America.
Grant, who was in a relationship with Elizabeth Hurley (one of the hottest chicks alive), was caught with a Hollywood prostitute named Divine Brown. He received two years probation and was required to attend an AIDS education program. How she got the name Divine is clearly a mystery. (Just look at the pics above.)
Eddie, like Hugh Grant, was caught in his car with a Hollywood hooker. So why is he above Hugh in the rankings you ask? She was a MAN, BABY! Yes, Eddie was caught with a transvestite, which ultimately led to a divorce from his wife. Eddie claimed that he saw him/her on the corner and wanted to help, which his wife replied to by asking "well, why the hell did you let him get into the car?" Good question.
Arnold went from marrying into American royalty to yamming the woman who cleans his toilets. Now I can somewhat understand if he gave into a moment of passion, looked himself in the mirror, and said "never again with this hippo". Yet, the fact that she ended up pregnant leads me to believe that this was an on-going affair. Yes, one of the most powerful men in the country went back for more with the resident turd-cleaner. Now he is stuck with a child from an unwanted pregnancy: Something that celebrity money can't undo. Kiss your marriage and political aspirations goodbye, Arnold.