What Makes Someone a "True" Laker or Yankee?

Kobe Bryant achieved another milestone in his long, illustrious career last night, entering the 30,000 club, an exclusive group of one name guys like Michael, Wilt, Kareem and, uh, Karl (Mailman sounds better). Besides proving that guys whose names start with K are really good at scoring (watch out for Kris Humphries), the other bond that most of this group shares is Lakers purple and gold. 4 out of the top 5 scorers in NBA history at some point wore purple and gold (Malone had his one forgettable year chasing a ring but it still counts). This fact inevitably brings up the top 5 all time Laker discussions. Trying to pick a top 5 for a franchise that has arguably had more talent in their uniforms than Hooters is tough goings though. And since we love to argue almost as much as we love top 5 lists here at PTU, this is a prime opportunity for an argument about top 5 lists. Both franchises are literally embarrassments of riches. Both have dominated their respective leagues for decades, and both attract both front running fans and ardent haters in equal amounts.  But what exactly makes a player a "great Yankee" or a "great Laker"? Can we call someone a "great blank" if they only played a few years for that team, or if they arrived as a player for hire out to get a ring? I say "yes" to both of those questions.

First off, let's get to the top 5s. For the Lakers, my top 5 in no particular order is Kobe, Magic, Kareem, Shaq and Jerry West.  Getting narrowly edged out is Wilt, Elgin Baylor and George Mikan (sorry, guys). My Yankee top 5 would be Mantle, Gehrig, Ruth, Dimaggio and Jeter. My apologies to Whitey Ford, Yogi, Scooter, Mariano, and Reggie Jackson. I didn't include Mr. October but our own Hater J left him off his list due to the fact that he doesn't consider him a "true Yankee". But what makes one player a "true Yankee" or Laker and one not? The way I see it, if a player had his best years wearing your jersey, he can be classified as a great for your organization regardless if he forced a trade to somewhere else or arrived via free agency. Most Los Angelinos won't remember Shaq rapping about how his ass tastes (thankfully), or an aging Shaq struggling to dunk in Boston or Cleveland. They'll remember him catching the lob from Kobe in game 7 against Portland, or scoring 60 on his birthday against the Clippers, or absolutely dominating three straight Finals from 00-02. You can't leave Shaq off the list of top Lakers just because it's impossible to name 5 guys who had as dominant a 5 year span in purple and gold as he did. Unlike say Kevin Garnett, who came to the Celtics after his prime, or A-Rod who has won MVP's in pinstripes but has mostly been hated by Yankee fans, Shaq played his prime years for the Lakers and won three titles (winning MVP each year). He is as much a true Laker as there ever will be.

Lamest Sneakers Of All Time: Reebok Shaq Kamikazes

Shaquille O'Neal was as dominant and influential an athlete that the NBA has ever seen and was more than worthy of all the accolades and praise he received since his recent retirement announcement. But while Shaq Diesel (seen above dunking on PTU hero and jean short enthusiast Derrick Coleman) dipped his size 22 toes into non-basketball related endeavors such as music and movies with mixed results, one world that the Big Marketer couldn't conquer was the sneaker world. Despite being perhaps the second most famous basketball player of all time (and arguably the most physically recognizable), Shaq never had a truly popular sneaker.

Most of the designs of Shaq kicks ranged from boring and clunky looking to just plain disgusting. These Reeboks (one of the last pairs that he wore before jumping ship to form his own brand of unwearable footwear) most definitely fall into the latter category. I mean, look at these abominations, but not for too long since they literally will make you sick. Who was in the Reebok offices in the mid-90s that thought the best way to compete with the dominance of the sleek and cool looking late 90s Nikes worn by Barkley and Jordan would be to produce a pair of sneakers that will literally make you dizzy if you stare at them for more than 5 seconds? I guess the idea was they needed to have a pattern that could match the maverick, outside the box thinker that Shaq was (and I guess he kind of was compared to most boring pro athletes), and I'm all for different and unique designs on sneakers but this is ridiculous. They look like the signs that doofus fans seated behind the backboard would hold up when players were shooting free throws so maybe it was an inside joke poking fun at Shaq's notorious foul shooting troubles. Whatever the thinking behind these truly horrible, vertigo inducing sneakers, the Kamikazes belong in the PTU Lamest Sneakers Of All Time closet next to the Catapults, never to be worn or thought about again.

Get your pair

So Long, Shaq

Shaquille O'Neal announced his retirement today via Twitter and while this might not come as a surprise to anyone (and it may be a season or two late), it's still an important moment for the NBA. Over the next few days, there will be a lot of obituary style profiles of Shaq on ESPN and on the blogs that will all remind us of what a ridiculous monster this guy was in his prime, and he was. The numbers he put up during the beginning of the Lakers 2000s dynasty are almost hard to imagine (he averaged nearly 40 points a game against the Nets), and were almost Wilt like; that is, people will read those numbers in 30 or 40 years and think that there had to be something up, like the competition was a bunch of 6"5' white guys or he must have been a huge ball hog, like when we try to diminish Wilt's crazy stats. Except, for those of us who watched Shaq (and were never able to see Chamberlain outside of grainy old footage and Conan movies), he really was that dominant; no numbers trickery needed. A 350 lb. (his weight was usually listed at about a small child's worth less than he actually was) behemoth, who not only could physically dominate inside, but also was able to move around pretty nimbly in his younger days. The overweight ogre trudging up and down the court for the past 5 years or so is not how I'll remember Shaq.

He also was a pioneering (so to speak) athlete/ multimedia icon. Jordan started it (and to a lesser extent Magic and Bird) by mixing fashion, movies and sports but the Diesel took the pro athlete as world wide entertainer to another level. Depending on who you ask, he may have done this to a fault, as some critics will tell you Shaq never had the commitment to basketball that could have vaulted him to greatest ever status. In the days before twitter (hell, before MySpace) Shaq was an expert self promoter who (for better or worse) paved the way for this generation of flashy one man brand names. No matter if his outside interests were a distraction, the man of many goofy nicknames was a truly one of a kind physical phenomenon on the court and that might be enough to forgive him for Kazaam, if not for Steel.

With his retirement, the era that has already begun it's fading away with the loss of the big 3 of the aughts (Spurs, Lakers and Celtics) to make room for the new big 3 is,if not officially, at least symbolically over. Shaq retires and brings with him the era of the dominant big man and leaves Grant Hill and Kobe as the last of the 90s all-stars,to make way for the new breed of superstar.

Shaq vs Hakeem: Who Would Have Won?

This imagined one on one tournament of NBA players past and present over at Deadspin got us here at PTU to wondering about who would win such a thing. After much deliberation over the merits of Magic Johnson's defense and LeBron James's lack of a post-up game we decided on either Jordan or the dark horse sleeper candidate: Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon. With his soccer player quick feet, height and shot-blocking ability and moves that could make even the most athletic former Naval officer look stupid, Hakeem was the ideal one-on-one player. The only person who could combat the total package of a player like that would be another unstoppable force like Shaquille O'Neal in his prime, right? The good folks at Taco Bell had this same idea in 1995 in the fall after the Rockets had dominated Shaq's Magic in 4 games (3 and a quarter if you count the epic collapse that Nick Anderson will never forget). Sure, everyone had seen what two of the game's best big men could do against each other in a team context, but strip away pick and rolls and Kenny Smith and you'd be left with two dominant offensive monsters with decidedly different games. To hammer home the "two very different tastes that are equally great" theme, America's favorite bastardized Mexican food chain pulled out all the stops on a marketing campaign (who could forget this goofy gem?). Promoted like a prize fight, complete with up and coming point guard undercard (America hating fellow Muslim Mahmoud Abdul Rauf vs. Queens product Kenny Anderson), the event promised to be a more worthwhile pay per view event than most prize fights ever end up being. Sadly, an injury forced the Dream to drop out, and there was never another date scheduled for some reason, so we were all left to wonder what if?

Let's assume the rules would be typical playground stuff: half-court, winner takes out, 1 point each basket to 21, etc. The coin flip would be pretty important to see who got the ball first, especially in the case of Shaq. A much younger Diesel would seem to have no problem repeatedly backing down and dunking over a still spry yet aging Dream should he get the ball first (something tells me the rules might have had to be adjusted to ensure such a thing not happening). Even in his later years dominating the league with the Lakers, O'Neal had a fairly limited offensive repertoire, but in his Fu-Shnicken collaborating days, he was pretty much a one trick pony. A super athletic, brutally strong pony, but one-dimensional nonetheless. Hakeem, on the other hand, could face up and play back to the basket with equal success, tossing in fadeaways and drop step hook shots along with sick spin moves that made Ewing look like a statue. If he could strip Shaq or elevate to block him on an inside move, it would be fun to see how Shaq would try to keep up with him.

I could see the game playing out like this:

After an inspiring rendition of the national anthem by Jodeci (which Abdul-Rauf would of course sit through), Shaq wins the Pepsi sponsored coin toss (the traditional playground foul shot for ball would be unfair in this case) and proceeds to back down Hakeem for an early 7-0 lead on an assortment of two-hand slams and tomahawks, with a couple of short hook shots and bankers thrown in. Finally (after Shaq tires himself out almost taking down the basket) Olajuwon is able to poke the ball away and show off his moves. Wowing the crowd with ball fakes, spin moves, crossover dribbles and other moves no 7 footer from Nigeria should be able to do, Hakeem jumps out to a 3 point lead. Shaq would get the ball back on a rejection of a Dream jumper and the two centers would go back and forth until Hakeem would win the game on a patented Dream shake fadeaway that hits nothing but bottom.

Michael Buffer would announce Hakeem as the new Taco Bell champion, Shaq and Hakeem would awkwardly hug and promise to see each other in the Finals the coming June. Double Decker tacos for everyone!